| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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godless heathens. hit pipe freezer bottle absolut cap won't unscrew urgent: piss frosty hands on nutsack tap flush cap unscrews with a hiss- drinks like water twenty five degree vodka. i have a drawer full of wires. a powerstrip, ethernet, phone, coax, speaker, what i'd call rca, power extension. plus a timer of the sort that will turn on and off an appliance at set times. plus a bowl that chordata gave me, which contains a roach that looks enough like its namesake to startle me. some homeless man sold her the bowl, i probably rolled the joint. probably a long time ago. definitely a long time ago. i disect it into atomic components- yellow paper and the tamale itself, a lump of weed the color and shape of cheap hamster feed. aside from being tapered instead of perfectly pellet shapped was the only thing that indicated it wasn't hamster feed wrapped in stained paper. i found six beers hidden in my fridge. i have a bottle of vodka. i've found a secret stash of potent, resinated weed. i took myself from sober to well off in about eight and a half minutes. what is this? this pipe. this "peanut". it's ill suited for the task at hand. it requires a slow, soft stream to keep from lodging burning vegitation in the back of your throat. but this rock of petrified grass requires a strong vacuum. something special. sends ash into my mouth. this pipe should be violently downsized with a hammer. i'm too lazy to go upstairs and get the hammer. i mean to say, i'm too lazy to go upstairs and get a decent pipe. what is this? i live a disturbing dichotomy of intense responsibility on the job and a remarkable lack of responsibility at home. two nates. and they war- an excess of time at the office makes home-nate less willing to work around the house. and on nights like these home-nate gives the first few hours of work-nate hell by having that extra beer, staying up that extra hour with that extra bowl. what is this? listening to mahalia jackson feel like a motherless child. listing, pot, beer, vodka- sliding into afterthought lost in manners of speaking. i'm in this place that feels so much like nothing i wonder if i could possibly be sane. i've focused myself on career. again. for now. whatever. i find myself awake and paranoid in bed. often. the drapes seem to billow with people behind them, or breezes that indicate doors open and THEY have found a way INSIDE. i swear the furnace has lit the deck on fire the glow is on my curtains. that noise, i need my fat dowel, my BEATING stick. but no, it's under my bed, there might be poisonous spiders... it's dave's age of extreme weed paranoia. is that trademarked? with your feet in the air and your head on the ground, it is said. i've lost the ability to enjoy dope. but i haven't lost the will to try. and alcohol might make me have nocturnal hallucinations. dreams that superimpose themselves on the waking reality. my dead granddad used to have this happen to him when he drank, my mother tells me. thank the lord, i thought i was alone. death, i am alone. so here i am, drunken and stoned. fearless! courage is a toss up between ignorance and stupidity. what is this? heather is in detroit and i miss her terribly. i wonder what i have to offer her. hal, that's about the stupidest thing you can do when you dig someone. just so you know, since you always seem to require the instruction of everyone in the book of love. so, the courage. i've had the courage to invest quite a bit of myself into this proposition. this idea. of her. i think about strange blends of adult and child future. this place where i can enjoy the playful irresponsibilities of my early 20's and reconcile them with the home buying, finer things in life enjoying, yard for a puppy having responsiblity of my late 20's. yard for a puppy, that's coming. i can see a house on the peninsula with a yard and a dog and a solid, adult uniqueness that she can bring. she has an eye. man, she has an eye. she puts things together; uncovers, discovers, creates-- it's incredible, for the first time in my life, i enjoy her without needing to compete with her. like no one living, she pentrates me with shivers as monet or michalangelo, bukowski, waits- external to my ego. beyond my control. beyond my control. beyond my control is something that annoys the hell out of me. in the moment. i am used to being in control. i'm used to being right most of the time, too. but beyond my control is also the root of everything i've ever lacked. everything i've ever desired. those who were in my control, that was maturbation. often, complex masturbation. maybe masturbation with numb hands or arthritis, but ultimately masturbation nonetheless. sad but true, women of my past. my fist and i are an easier path to the same end. but now, a distinction. she is her own person. frustrating, but only because i am used to beating off. so to say. what is this? kd lang lesbian canadian. california's gonna be the place for me. bjork has sung something that struck me, "if you leave it alone/it might just happen/anyway//it's not up to you" it's not up to me. i tend to have more security in my life. security is serenity. my shoulders haven't untightened for years. what is this? i get scared too, hal. i'm somewhere between adult and child, where i look like one and feel like the other. i've realized that no one really knows what they're doing, but i can't quite accept it. i still don't know what i'm doing, man. look at me. i can still shake in bed at night. i can still wonder what the point in waking up is. i long for the days when i knew everything. false confidence is security still, and security is serenity. joy. ignorance is bliss, maybe they say. maybe ignorance is ignorance of bliss, too, and you only realize it was bliss once your realizations have caused you to pass it by. drink, hal. drink and fuck and to hell with responsibility. borrow money from the government. i don't know anyone who regrets how they spent their student loans. wine and dine and stink up your fingers in a cornicopia of cunts! in the name of education, for chrissakes do it man! your future is certain for as long as you can maintain the lifestyle! as in, your future will certainly start the moment you stop. and your future will be uncertainty. but for now, anything can happen. fight, fuck, drink and drug. when it's over you'll have to forge ahead in your life, but never before. no one expects anything from you. no one. if they do, it is an illusion. what is this? chinese food buffet in missouri and not half bad. duckblinds for sale in the parking lot of the home improvment emporium. i drove thousands of miles with her head on my lap. she filled me with feelings of freedom. the desert was cut cliffs red mesas and thunderclouds. thunderclouds bunched up over where the road went, shooting lighting and pulling cotton rain to the ground. huge drops and hot wet asphalt in the nose. we stopped to look at the tourist trap navajos and blankets and little plastic deer glued to pieces of petrified wood. i feel like the deer is she is the petrified wood. what is this? crazyness. |
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deep-down, i think i'm just fishing for a "fuck you, you ass." |
And in case I'm not being clear enough, there's no sarcasm in this post. Well, not much. |
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slept in pheonix. came in late, left early. |
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LS |
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i just talked to nate on monday. he's doing really well. who would have thought that he'd be the one talking me down off the ledge? writing that makes me laugh! the sincerest laugh. it's so beautiful. your future will certainly start the moment you stop. and your future will be uncertainty. siri, remind me next time to ask him about creative outlet. |
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which reminds me. shout-out to mt and the sorabjiite underworld. you don't even know your own power. without you i might have slipped off the ledge, even accidentally, a long time ago. |
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i want to get this down before i forget. had a dream last night that murdered someone. never dreamt that before; it was disturbing. in the dream i was with a friend (nobody i know in real life, just a generic friend) and another male-female couple. we were at a crappy lakeside restaurant. skipping to the important details of the dream, it turned out that i was invited to this restaurant by these folks who intended to have a foursome on one of the restaurant tables. in public, in the middle of the day. i and the two other women each got our turn receiving oral sex, while one or the other was doing something to the one male. when it was all over, i was like, oh shit, all these people saw us, i bet someone called the cops. so then the male disappeared from the dream and it was just us three females. his partner suggested that in order to get away we should jump into the lake. so we did that. and then it turned out that her intent was to use swimming in the lake as a trap so that the cops would come and get me. so after quickly assessing my options, instead of swimming away, or getting out of the lake and driving away, i decided that, being a water ninja, it would be really easy to just drown this woman. so i swam over to her, and got her down under the water and held her there until she died. the other woman (my "friend" in the dream) just watched it all from a nearby distance in the water. the end. |
Consult your psychian before use any dosage. |