| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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I spent most of my life being told how ugly I was. That no one would ever want me because I am so ugly (and that held true for a long time for me). That my butt was too big, and my boobs were too small, and I was so skinny I looked anorexic. Things did get better as I hit adulthood, but I was so high maintenance. I would spend 2 hours grooming and primping just to go with my father to the feed store. It was ridiculous. But for the first time I had boyfriends and people told me I was beautiful, and I was friends with the cheerleaders, whatever. Then life happened. So about 6 months ago I was realizing that I am approaching 30, and have battle scars from having kids and all the hell I put my body thru with 7 pregnancies and only 2 babies. My butt sagged, my boobs shrank and still managed to sag. I have these lines around my eyes and on my forehead that will never go away and show my age. My grey hair got a lot worse. I made the mistake of allowing myself to think I was ugly and unattractive again. I looked at myself in the mirror and wanted to cry. So I decided to work on that. Work on my body issues and realize that I am a beautiful person irregardless of pounds, inches, battle scars, or signs of age. Granted I still color my hair to cover the grey, but only to match my natural color. And not that often either. More importantly I have been working on moving on from the body issues that have held me captive for the past many years. You all have heard me bitch about my small breast size tons of times, and have also seen pictures of me in a bikini telling me basically that my insecurities are silly. Up until last month I had NEVER EVER been seen even in my own home without a bra on, with lots and lots of padding. Afraid that others would realize how small I am and I felt embarrassed constantly. So I have been determined to realize my own power to be beautiful and sexy with my breasts being as small as they are, cuz it is not necessarily a flaw, just a part of me. This has been a very big struggle for me. About a month ago I went to a small drumming circle with some close friends. It was while Spunky was in Alabama preparing to move. It was at the house, or rather the fields and fire pits of someone I had met several times before. She's a wonderful woman who (like me) had tons of bullshit gossip going around, so I felt a bit of a kindred spirit with her. So I get there and we are waiting for the others to arrive and they get out the drums and I get out my violin and we get out the drinks and are all playing, just messing around. One of the guys starts talking about his different sarongs asking if anyone wanted to borrow one to get more comfortable. I decline for now but say maybe one day I will because I have never worn one and don't own one, but wouldn't mind being that comfortable with myself. So this woman who owns the home comes out of her room and declares that she is playing dress up with me, cuz she thinks I would look good in pink. I didn't do my hair, it was in a ponytail. No make-up. I was wearing a tank top and cut off sweat pants as shorts. Then she drags me back to her bedroom and pulls out the pink.....HOT PINK....not something I would normally concider at all. And she hands me a sarong and a tube top......now up until this point I had NEVER EVER worn anything without a bra, and well you can't exactlly wear a bra with a tube top. I was nervous as hell, but I put it on anyways. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and my fears were basically insane anyways. I was so amazingly comfortable that whole night. Running around the fire in this outfit, the reactions I got, I felt great and so at ease, as if I never had anything to worry about before. And I had a total blast that night. Completely lost track of time, got home late. Had tons of fun. It got me to thinking.....that maybe when I was insecure about my body, and others told me I was being silly, that there was nothing wrong with me, well, maybe they were right. So this has been a big important to me, understanding what it is about me that draws people to me, to see what they see. My husband and my friends have been a great help. I have a better picture of myself now that I am so much happier with. I bought a couple of tube tops recently. I got them on clearance, buy one get one 50% off and they were only 99 cents to begin with. But they (like most things) are a little big in the rib cage area (it's only 28") so I have to take them in. Today we were shopping at this high end mall in the area, and I ran across this store that had this awesome display. I got two shirts, and neither of which can I wear a bra with. They are both lace and see thru (except in the breast area). One is red lace and has a red lining with support for the bra area, and the other is a black lace bustier with flesh colored fabric in the front, but see thru in the back. The store was packed so I didn't get a chance to try them on. Hayley had to go to the bathroom and the lines were very long. So I just bought the two shirts, and some pasties to wear with a backless dress I bought in pink (and relatively see thru) recently. I also bought Hayley some new earrings. I got out of there for $35 and was happy, except worried that the shirts wouldn't fit or would look bad or something. And the woman who was helping me in the store was asking questions (I was again embarrassed) because I didn't get to try the shirts on. Told me that the shirts run small, so they should fit me, but if not to keep the tags and bring them back. So as soon as we got home I tried on the shirts. They both fit and fit well. I felt sexy. I think I am going to wear one of these shirts the next time I go to PNO, and tease the fuck out of whoever I can :p I feel like I am making more progress in the past couple of months than I have been able to in the last 10 years. But I wonder if I am the only one who has these issues, or has. What have others done to overcome these worries about themselves? |
:) and i think lines are sexy- especially around the eyes |
I went back into therapy, which has helped a lot. Sem's been wonderful. My closest friend here in Atlanta praises him endless for what he does for me. Generally when I eat well, exercise regularly, write in my journal,and do things that aren't school related, my body image and personality complex tend to improve. |
I even did some yoga and standing pilates today, though I didn't get through the whole work out, I was pleased with what I did accomplish, knowing if I keep it up I will be able to do more, and fix my one issue. It's all up to me now. I just have to take care of myself, and for the first time in a long time I am trying to do just that, and have the motivation to do so, cuz I feel so good afterward. I have obviously been writing more lately, as the above post is almost a frickin novel. Drinking less. Eating more regularly. I dunno. Today I feel really good. Good about me, and I can't remember the last time I did that. |
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you go, eri! isn't weird how it seems that those who are the prettiest and/or seem to have the most going for them suffer more than your average person from body issues or esteem issues? one of my yoga teachers is the same way. she is just stunningly gorgeous, fit, smart, and sweet, but she admits to struggling with self esteem all the time. it's wild. |
This came to me after one of my male roommates got pissed off at a woman he slept with (for a variety of reasons) but one of them was that she said she was good-looking and she wasn't. But his tone was as if she didn't have any business thinking so. She must have been attractive enough for him to sleep with and I think he was just looking for reasons to dislike her and he was also kind of messed up. But I can't help but wonder if there is some kind of undercurrent in our thinking that makes it, not just about feeling attractive, but that we don't know how to do so, without some kind of *proof* It also occured to me a few years earlier when I met a guy over the internet and talked to him on the phone and he kept asking me if I was good-looking (because he was "a really good-looking guy) and I kept saying that I had good features like pretty eyes and a nice smile. Apparently that wasn't enough and he asked, "has anyone ever told you that?" The only reason I went out with him was because I was interested in how "good looking" he really was. Not too many straight guys I know describe themselves that way and I was curious. He said he was blond and kind of nordic looking. In reality, he was pudgy and had no cheekbones and spent a good part of our short coffee date looking at the scrawny hippy-chic brunette behind me. Then there was another guy who was surprised when I referred to myself as cute. I don't know if he was surprised at my confidence or because he disagreed. These are extreme examples, but I think they reflect the way we've kind of internalized some aspects of the the whole "men look and women look at being looked at" phenomenon, even if it's not accurate or fair. |
He was pissed off at her for a variety of reasons. |
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i could/will have smaller thighs...but i'm cute and screw all-y'all that have a problem with that |
Why? Because I can't do anything about my face except take care of my skin. It's not my fault my cheeks are wide and my mouth is small. It's not a testiment to my character that my nose is long. Genes gave me my face, and there's nothing more to it than that. And by the same token, there's no good reason for people to be unduly praised for their beauty, because they didn't do anything to earn that beauty. They got their faces from their genes. So go ahead and call me plain. I'll agree with you. It hurts a lot more when someone insults my personality or thinks I'm stupid. |
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(ps. Spider is cute and don't let her tell you any different) |
because eva is so damned beautiful and distractingly cute, i made out like a bandit at trader joes. the woman ringing me up was so in to her, she forgot ring up the other 5 bottles of wine i had. |
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It got to the point where friends would treat me like personal possessions and get all jealous and shit, and it got really fucking weird. So I acknowledged that people were for some strange reason attracted to me, but never understood it. I would get told things like "people are attracted to your spirit" "it's your soul that makes you beautiful" things like that, which didn't help me in the least. Then I realized later on that I was putting it all on my physical appearance, not thinking that people could be attracted to me for reasons other than my breast size. It took me years to get this huge light bulb to go off, but finally I started to understand more. There are things I do that I don't think about, they are just natural to me. I never thought of myself as special, just plain old me, and those things were things that everyone did, right? Well, OK, maybe in a perfect world, but we don't actually live in one I guess. OK, that probably didn't makes sense. But my point, the thing that gave me my latest boost, was that I realized one huge thing I have been missing. Your sense of humor, and the light in your eyes when you smile, your sense of play, fun, adventure, your intelligence, they all effect your physical features as well, and can make anyone beautiful. So this is what has attracted people to me, my sense of humor, mischief, ability to carry on intelligent conversations. The fact that I happen to have a 22" waist, only makes it even better. |
at least in my case anyway so we moved so the boss didn't want his disgusting gunky old phone [you cannot see the numbers on the keys] so they switched mine with his /me pissed i ask why [everyone else has the phone they had before] "oh- yeah, yours was the only one that would work on b's extension" i see this as a blatant and ridiculous lie and i am totally worked up about it |
. I think some pretty women may have self-esteem issues because they attach all their self-worth to that beauty. It becomes a burdon that must be kept up. Eri mentioned the realization that people can like her for reasons other than her body. . I had a female friend for a while when I was young who went to a different school. She kept asking me if I was popular. If other people liked me, then I guess it was ok for her to like me. Eventually she discovered the horrible truth: I was a geek. . And what Spider said. It's ok not to fit the commonly-held ideals of beauty. Speaking of which, I'm _way_ overdue for a haircut. . And if the jerk didn't like his old phone, they should have bought a new one or said, "It works fine. Get over it." . /me needs a nap. |
he confirmed that it was a lie grr |
. Or just tell them that if it's not good enough for him, it's not good enough for you, either. . If he programs a lot of numbers into his phone, reprogram them to random people superior to him. Or glue a couple of the buttons up. |
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he is the owner but he's not the one who lied this is all so childish i hope i am learning my lessons on the chance i ever need to use them |
http://www.latimes.com/la-ca-ozzy7dec07,1,2548523.story Sundays LA times. it explains why the Osbornes were such a fucking hit over the last two years. Ozzy was on a cocktail of 3-4 pills a day. everything from amphetimines, pain killers anti-psychotics, anti-convulsants and muscle relaxers. How is he still alive? |
the magic of ROCK. speaking of body image, i didn't realize until this pic that this dress makes me look real chubby Also, i'm wearing the same thing in both pics, for some reason. Also, i met spongebob! suckers!!! |
"Eri mentioned the realization that people can like her for reasons other than her body." and it goes the other way too. Halfway through my best friend's first year at college she told me that most of the people she used to hang around with in her dorm just gradually stopped talking to her, and now ignored her completely. "Why did they do that?" i asked. "Oh, i don't know, probably the usual- because i'm fat. That's what i get for being fat." She *is* large, but carries it well, and i met these girls when they were still talking to her. They didn't care about her looks. In actual fact, i'm sure the real reason they avoided her was because she can be the most disagreable, anal, confrontation-addicted bitch on earth. (she's on pills for it now, thank god). But she never imagined her weight had nothing to do with it. |
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. The mozaic makes me imagine that picture to be part of a news story reporting on Spongebob's illicit affair with a young girl---her face obscured to protect the innocent. . Or maybe it's a photo included with a ransom note. $1,000,000,000 by Friday or the Sponge gets it! |
. I've also met people who _won't_ have anything to do with someone they consider to be overweight. . I attack the latter people with screwdrivers. |
couldn't the liar have switched her/his own phone with the grody one? what shit. |
i like the idea of ruining the phone out of spite. stick it in the microwave for 2 or 3 seconds. |
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Then I ran into her and her girlfriend at PNO and she said that she knew that pagans were more relaxed about their apprearance, wanting to be more natural, but did they have to be so "fat and ugly"? Like why didn't they take any pride in their appearance? I left. I know that I am small, very small, but small doesn't necessarily mean beautiful. And most of these people were big compared to me, but so is 97% of the earths population. They were clean, wore clean clothes, and many of them were dressed really nicely with their hair and make-up done. I was so pissed off then. Most of my family is NOT small by any stretch of the imagination. I don't judge beauty on the size of clothes you wear, or how expertly you apply your make-up. Cosmetics are man made and don't define beauty, though they can be used to enhance it, they are not needed in many cases. And your size is just how your body was made. You don't have to be waif thin to be sexy, and usually if you are waif thin, you look sick instead of sexy. Anyways, seeing how upset I got at other people being so shallow, reminded me that I don't judge people based on those things, but I do judge myself that way and it is stupid of me. I think that was the start of my change. The beginning of it all. |
Had there not been many antsy children around, i was also hoping to get a pic of me with Dora the Explorer or Jimmy Neutron in a headlock. fuckin' Dora..... |
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All I could think of was, one day, I will bench 100. And that day will be within the next couple of months. And: if I could bench 300, goddamn, I'd never stop benching. I'd pick strangers up off the sidewalk and lift them in the air just to prove I could. I'd be such an asshole, so proud of myself. Yesterday, I did 10 real boy pushups. Last month I couldn't do one. I have hard swells of muscle in my arms where there were no muscles before. This feels awesome. |
Yeah, feels pretty cool. :) Keep it up. Having strength helps you metabolically in many ways and helps you have confidence. It also makes you look great. |
three times a week. It's been a long time, now. Pushups are supposed to be one of the best things you can do for your whole body. Arms, yes, but core too: it takes a lot of strength to keep from bending in the middle. Two years ago, I lost 30 pounds, half of which without thinking of it. I gained it back after the move and with the depression. It's been a few months since I last weighed myself. Two weeks ago, I started riding again. I'm doing 20-30 miles on Saturdays, one shorter ride last Sunday, and yesterday some of my friends (and I'm starting to have friends again!) convinced me to hike Mission Peak with them. I wasn't the slowest going up, but during the last rocky climb I stayed right behind our slowpoke, encouraging her and keeping my pace down to avoid spraining an ankle. It felt good (and there were cows and birds of prey and turkeys and paragliders). One of the guys hikes it every week and did it twice yesterday. This Friday, I'm riding a cargo bike along with the San Jose Bike Party to help fix flats and collect trash. And I already want to hike Mission Peak again, even with my sore legs (which are starting to get hard again with about 100 miles of riding). |
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I'm forced to lift only what I can handle. |
gild the lily. am looking forward to the "buff librarian bench-presses unsuspecting pennsylvanians" videos on youtube. |
In my reading about proper bench press form, I've learned that I haven't been doing them correctly. You're supposed to tuck your shoulderblades, lock your elbows, contract your abs on the extension, etc. -- I don't think I've been doing that. It's Spring Break this week so the gym is closed, but next week I'm going to work on this -- maybe that's why my lifts are so weak. Droop, you must have killer arms from years of wheeling yourself around. |
get the job done. though now they're middle-aged arms; the recent three weeks of arm pain makes me wonder if their best days will soon be behind them. i still get more exercise now than i ever did in my 20s, but one day i might just have to buy myself a mule. (they will have dismantled medicare by then.) have you read that "boffins" in the u.k. have found that saturated fat (burgers, boudin, butter) isn't as unhealthy for you as the nutri-nazis have been asserting for years? beef up on beef. (for now.) |