Gee, I am so glad you have returned, and I hope you stay for a while. I was just wondering where you had gone, and look: you show up. So, how are you? How have you been occupied since your last visit? Are you still in school?

Where is Gee? She's not actually working, is she? Doesn't she understand how important my questions are???

Ah Gee... like the sands through the hourglass she slips away silently.... like the spunky boy that works in my building... sometimes you see him (usually when its raining and you look like a drowned rat, or when you've just come back from lunch and have food on your chin), and some days you don't.

Oh, good, I need this. This is going to be a long message, so feel free to not read. I think it may be that I only return to sorabji.com when something Happens. anyway, here's what happened to me. I had a big Big argument with my mother in which she told me the old me was dead, mocked me when I told her how much happier I am now than I ever was, and told me I have no family. then I told her to fuck off and I hung up on her. I've never done that before. that was well over a month ago, and I'm still not speaking to her in anyway other than e-mail. I gave up the four-year-old dog I've had since she was an itty-bitty-puppy to a strange man (who seemed nice) because I realize I'm not home enough to take care of her properly. she's a very needy dog and I have very little Home Time lately. My friend Eric, who you'll remember I had such a wild crush on a couple years back, moved away to Nova Scotia with his girlfriend. I do love that boy. not IN love, just love. I will never be completly over him, either. I got to see a lot of him before he left. the last night I spent with him and my roommate Jamie (who is closer to him than I am). Jamie was going to see him again in a couple of days without me, and at the end of This night she cried herself silly because she didn't want Eric to go. This was the last time I was ever going to see him, and I wanted to be the silly-cryer. but instead I had to comfort her. and then comfort her again when she saw him next. I found out that my grandmother is a number. She died Several years ago and my SHIT HEAD uncle decided not to get her a tombstone. my mother would never be able to afford such a thing, so when my uncle SOLD MY GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE he was supposed to buy her tombstone. 10-15 years later we find out that never happened. She's a number on a plaque. worse still? she was supposed to be burried next to her late husband. they're actually on opposite ends of the cemetary. My friend Marcelline has to leave the country. she's been going to school here for years, paying outragioous international rates, and now that she's done and it's taking her "too long" to find a job, they're kicking her out. I don't want to hear any assholes defend my country's stand on this. JUST DON'T. whatever you may think, just keep it to yourself. now is not the time. she's my friend and that's all that matters. one of my best friend's is moving to pursue her PhD. Good for her, bad for me. my friend Susan just found out she has cancer. my hamster died. So. I have lost a lot. all of this within the past month or so. of course I realize my life is still infinately better than it was a few years ago, and maybe I have nothing to complain about, but oh well. this is a lot of loss for me. it's been a Bad month. Here's where it gets worse. I've lost my faith. I have no religious affiliation, but I've always had faith in a higher power. I always believed that someone was watching me, loving me, with me. no matter how alone I felt, my faith was there. when something bad happened, I comforted myself by thinking that it was a test, or God was building my strength, or there was a reason for this even if I couldn't see it right now. I believed in fate and magic and fairy tales. all that's gone. it was building over the past month. the other day when I got an email from my mother telling me that she and my siblings were being evicted and she wouldn't tell me where they were going, my heart broke. it feels like just like when I was in love and I found out he'd been cheating on me. I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I certainly don't feel loved by him, if he does exist. really it doesn't matter if he exists, because if he does I don't believe he has the slightest interest in me or anyone else. I don't want to wish for anything anymore. I don't want to hope. I don't look forward to things. I'm numb. There's a hole inside me. I swear. when you believe in something as much as I did, and then it's gone, you really notice it. Think of the person you love more than anyone else in the whole world. Think about how you'd feel if you woke up tomorow and realized they were just a dream. they never really existed and you can never get them back, but you can remember what it was like to Have them and Love them and be Loved by them. and now it's gone. it's a lonely lonely feeling. all of a sudden life seems so short. I don't want to talk to my friends about this. I feel silly. I never seemed like the kind of girl who Believed so strongly (how strong was my faith if it could be shaken by a few measly losses? they don't feel measly to me.), but my faith in God was always a part of me and it got me through a lot. You know I used to consider every thought in my head a prayer. I used to think everything as though I were talking to God. he was inside my head, inside my heart. I couldn't lie to him, and so I could never lie to myself. now when I think/talk, there's no one listening. I used to think there was nothing sadder than someone who had lost their faith. now look. anyway, there's good stuff too, but all I can see right now is the bad stuff. I'm hoping to get over it soon, but I don't know. either find some way to believe again, or accept the fact that I'm alone. but really, I've never liked being alone - I'm a people person. this is going to be hard. worst of all, I'm doing this all alone. more alone than ever before. ps...I know that it could be worse. I'm sorry for being so selfish, but this is how it is right now. well. I needed to talk.

I've missed you Gee,it hurts me to know you are hurting,I wish I could give you a big hug.

Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that so much has gone sourly in your life. I know it's not my place, but I hope that you reconcile with your mom. I know from my own life that it's hard to accept changes in people right away, just because you miss the familiar. It could be that, even though you know that you were changing for the better and becoming happier, your mom was just hurt that she didn't recognize you any more. Not that you did anything wrong or that you shouldn't have changed, mind. I wish I knew what to say to help you regain your faith. I'm really sorry that you're suffering that now. Aw, gee, Gee, I wish I could give you a big hug, too. My little sweet pea.

We love you gee. Stay here and talk.

Cheer up Gee. Life is our trial. We must go through pain to appreciate the good. (Sometimes I wish I could have a little less pain in my life). God has not abandoned us. It's just he has more important and pressing issues to deal with in the Universe than our petty little problems. After all he created the Universe. With its billions of Galaxies. Each of which has billions of stars. And, there are billions of stars capable of supporting life. Even being omnipotent and perfect, do you really think he looks over every single little detail of every life every where? Life is chance. Life is risk. Life is a random set of circumstances set before us. God has given us the greatest adventure that there is. Unfortunately some of us have a bad time. I believe that is why we are here. To live and learn.

You didn't get your cuteness from your Mum, Gee. Would an Australian Pepsi can cheer you up a bit?

Yeah, Gee Stay and Talk. I just met you and I like you bunches yup, it's always about ME Seriously, take care of yourself and vent all you want.

you're such a nice girl for Semillama. It's like I invented you or something. You're all nice. I would really love an Australian pepsi, actually. I don't have one. Here's some more news about me that isn't as down: I switched my major from Humanities to Anthropology. I'm just a teensy bit scared shitless. Since this is my last year, I'm taking ALL of the core courses at once. I'm taking courses that are prerequisits (sp) for other courses I'm taking At The Same Time. This should be fun. I really just want to hurry up and graduate. I want to go to college afterwards. something in my room smells like smoke. I hope it's not my bra because I'm too lazy to take that many items of clothing off right now. one of my best friend's was thrown across a table by her husband last night. it was her birthday. My gut tells me that this morning she's forgiven him. what can I do? Lately I feel so helpless. my friend's tell me their problems and I feel such a strong urge to help them. so far I haven't been able to help anyone, and it's driving me crazy. Maybe I want to help them because I don't know how to help myself. Shrink Gee!

Hey lady! How are you feeling today? I've always said that you can't help others until you help yourself. Maybe you do want to help them because you don't know how to help yourself; or maybe you're just a wonderful person. Or maybe it's both. Who can say? And I think that helping other people is a good way to start helping yourself...you just have to make sure that you are getting back what you are putting forth, either directly or indirectly. Be a little self absorbed if you must. Do all the silly crying you want and need. As far as faith is concerned...I don't know what to say about that. For me it's never been about having it or not, but how connected I feel to my soul or spiritual side or what have you. It's then that I feel protected and strong and whether it's because of a higher power or just because my neurotransmitters are working properly, I don't know but it's what keeps me going. And when it's gone...sometimes it takes therapy, sometimes it takes music, sometimes it just takes a hot bath and a cup of tea. I hope whatever you do to keep yourself strong will help restore your faith. I'm taking an anthropology course this semester. And I am thinking of using anthropology for my methods requirement. You must tell me what you are reading. And, did you ever figure out what was burning?

aren't you the sweetest. :) there wasn't anything burning. it was just a smokey smell, like when you come home from hours at a bar. I think it actually was my bra, which means today is Bra Washing Day! yaaay. I hate washing bras. this is so hard. I don't know what to do. how am I going to get through this day?

Gee, only Atlas and St. Christopher have successfully carried the world on their shoulders, and neither of them existed in real life. Don't worry yourself about things that you can't change. Spend time with your friends who are moving or ill. Be good to yourself.

Instead of fretting over things you can't control,do something to keep your mind busy. I've been doing alot of stinking thinking myself,so I decided to do something positive. I think I mentioned the John C. Pappas school for the homeless here before.They were trying to close it down,thank God they didn't and now they have opened a new one right by me in Tempe. I'm going to start volunteering there,my oreintation is the 18th of this month and I'm really excited about it.I love kids and these kids need all they can get.

Gee, You're still swell in my book. Even though I never sent you those flowers. Faith will find you again; if she doesn't, her sister Serenity is bound to bump into you when you least expect it.

gee you're the cutest. You win. Not me. Lovely girl. Do you still have your pager? i still have the number. Can i call you? will that make you smile? or just freak you out. I think of it every time i pass by the # in my little book. Really i do. If you don't think that god loves you, then surely you have to see that every other living thing does. I bet birds land on your shoulders when you walk and sing in your ear. And if they don't and they drop poop on you from the sky, just know that it's their way of saying HI. Because you are Gee.

aww, that's so sweet. I'm making an effort to be cheerful. I'm thinking if I act happy enough, eventually it won't be an act anymore. Maybe? I've brooded for long enough. you think it'll work? I don't have the pager anymore. I have a new phone number, though. call me anytime. email for the number. EVERYONE IS WELCOME.

an old Cherokee story: to his grandfather the youngster asked: "Grandfather, it feels as if there are two wolves inside me, one angry and sad, and the other quite full of bliss. The angry one is jealous, hurtful, vengeful, sarcastic, greedy, always hungry, never satisfied. The blissful wolf is quite the opposite: free, generous, open, helpful, mindful of others, slow to anger and thoughtful in speech. Tell me, which of the wolves will win this fight for my soul?" Grandfather thought a moment and said, "The one you feed." Smiles, generosity, helpfulness... are contagious.

gee, what's up with your mom? why is she mad at you, and why is she being evicted? j- i think that's just great. i have a feeling that you will be totally beloved by those kids. good for you.

Thanks Agatha I'm really looking forward to it:)