i ended up running into someone tonight. someone i've been avoiding for a long time. we used to be in this band together. band broke up. fucked up vibes all around. much hurting. "personality conflict" doesn't even begin to cover it. i felt like a stake had been driven through my heart. we saw each other tonight after years of not speaking. we immediately hugged. we also agreed to play together again. all of the bitter feelings in me seemed to melt in that moment. all was forgiven, more or less. i feel in some way that it was all too easy, that i showed great weakness. i could've turned a cold shoulder, stayed tough, not spoken. but i felt compelled to patch things up. i felt genuine warmth in that moment. christ help me, i almost felt love. keep in mind that this dude is a fucking martian. cruel streak from hell. but he's a talented musician, one i've worked quite well onstage with. i need somebody to jam with right now. i feel like i've just agreed to session w/ satan himself. but the devil has some pretty good tunes & i'm willing to play along, at least for now. i feel that i was weak. but i also feel that it's about time to drop the grudge.

I know both of you----my line of thought is, drop the grudge-----forgive....but don't forget. He's the same guy he always was....but keep it in perspective.... You two have done good things in the past and you can do good things, STILL.Just keep control and get WHAT YOU WANT out of it.

i'm not even sure that "grudge" is the right word. it's not that deep. it's more like a rememberance of being fucked over. it's not like i've obsessed on this shit or anything. i just don't wanna get burned again. i'm actually looking forward to the collaboration. like i said, we've worked well together in the past. i just don't want to get screwed again. the guy's a psychic vampire. this time, i've got my eyes open.

just wondering how you deal w/ psychic vampires when you know damn well what they are. at least this time, i'm aware of his little malfunction. how do you deal w/ toxic people, aside from simply not getting involved w/ them in the first place, a basic guideline i've already blown? sometimes, it's very difficult for me to turn people away when they start becoming unbearable. this time i definitely hope to have the balls to tell him to back off when he starts getting too pushy. i'm too nice. i'm so nice it's like a goddamn disease. my niceness could crucify me someday. i smile sweetly when i should, by all rights, be telling people to go take a flying fuck. part of me wishes that i were colder & meaner. but then i wouldn't be able to live w/ myself.

Well about the Toxic vampires, I can't help you on that except for avoiding them during the day time. As for your friend turned, ex-friend, turned quasi jamming partner again. Go for it, just don't fall down the same hole as last time.

this guy has a very strong, dominant personality that seems to overshadow everything else. his often hateful personality seems to swallow up everything in its path. he's abrasive & callous. however, he's a damn good musician on a number of levels & he CAN be sweet when he tries. just having him around to work w/ tends to turn me into a songwriting machine. i do love the sonofabitch as a friend & collaborator. which is the problem. he tends to emotionally attack the people who care for him most. caring is a weakness that he responds to w/ callousness. i'm just wanting to get back in the saddle again musicially, to the point of being willing to work w/ some fairly twisted people to achieve my goals. but this time, i'm coming at it w/ a desire for self-preservation as well. i have no intention of sacrificing myself again, not even for the chance to do what i love the most. i'm a little scared, but also excited. i hope this works out.

does your music lean more toward the technical or the emotional?

the emotional. definitely. i'm not an overwhelmingly technical person. i'm trying to move in a slightly more technically precise direction, but i'm still primarily an emotional player.

Y'know....again.....just do what you gotta do. Its not a big deal to deal w/certain people and whatever personal idiosyncracies they may if you just keep them in PERSPECTIVE and leave them in a spot in your life where they can't have an ill effect on you.....

you're right. it's not a big deal...until, of course, it becomes a big deal. i realize that a lot of it also revolves around my own weird personality. i don't react to the people & events around me like a normal person. but you knew that already. to me, a band optimally becomes like a family unit. if it makes any sense, i hate playing w/ people i don't love. there are moments where musical bonding is more intense than sex. i want to reach that magical headspace & stay there, the intense joy of the musical experience at its best. well, it's hard to reach a state like that when one of your own players is busy relentlessly stabbing you in the back. on the other hand, i realize that i'm hardly perfect & i can also be a weird person to deal w/ at times. but i'd like to think that i'm harmlessly weird, instead of dangerously weird. one of the reasons that jamming w/ this guy is so compelling to me at the moment is that i don't have to explain my behavior to him. he KNOWS i'm nuts. he knows what i'll do. he won't be surprised by anything. i really dread having to explain myself to people, which is one factor that keeps me from jamming w/ strangers as much as i'd like. i have to set everything up, explain my weirdnesses, so that when i behave in my usual manner, they won't freak the fuck out. i have intense phobias, for instance, that most people don't (won't) understand. i have to explain about my life, my medical state, my weird living quarters...every little fucking thing in the world & i HATE it. i hate having to explain myself to new people. it keeps me from getting out very much. i'd rather be alone most of the time than to have to knock myself out trying to get people to understand me, let alone accept me. the hell of it is, i'm not that hard to deal with...IF you accept the basic premise that i'm a bit beyond eccentric. people get freaked out about the small stuff. if folks would just pull their heads out of their asses & realize that it doesn't MATTER if i'm a flaming weirdo, things would go a lot smoother. i see no viable way of changing myself at this late date to suit anybody else. so why can't people just accept the fact that i march to the beat of a 500 ft. spastic acid-gobbling ninety-handed wind-up drummer? christ, it's not like i'm ed gein or somebody. i'm benign. harmless. funny, even. i'm downright hilarious in my complete inability to cope w/ day-to-day living. all i wanna do is play my damn guitar. no issues, no problems. just open up & lay some righteous noise on somebody. no explanations or excuses. just jam like a maniac. that's where my head's at right now.

You rock. That's all I have to say.

whatta cool thing to say. thanx. wish i WERE, in fact, rocking. jamming. right now. but i'm not. just playing w/ myself, at least musically speaking. i'm getting back into some weird musical roots & also expanding into new areas. i have such a strange & eclectic background that it just confuses and/or repels most of the rock musicians i've worked with. i have a strong background in bluegrass & southern gospel, including sacred harp. pug & i have been grooving on sacred harp recently. for those not in the know, sacred harp has nothing to do w/ an actual instrument. it's a very old & traditional southern singing style ("shape note" singing). very backwoods & magnificent. it sounds like nothing else on the planet...except, perhaps, for certain types of revolutionary war era american music written by guys like william billings, about whom i may eventually rave under the "obscure composers" heading here. i grew up playing music that's quite uncommon & not really heard much anymore. stuff straight out of the southern boonies. it strongly influenced me as a guitar player & i have a style that's quite unique, or at least that's what i'm frequently told. i'm a fairly fast picker w/ an unusual style. i'm getting into everything from metal to colonial religious anthems. just starting to venture into jazz, too, which is largely foreign territory to me. there's a lot of jazz i can't stand. i just wade through it all until i find something i can actually groove on. a lot of jazz, though, reminds me of just slightly more energetic muzak. makes me think i'm in a dentist's office or something. it doesn't usually rock. when it DOES take off, though, it can be a wonderful thing. & there's the blues. howlin' wolf forever and all that. anyway, i'm rambling. sitting here half asleep, trying to cook. pilate's boy, brendan, is here w/ me & i'm cooking for us both. bren came over to borrow my bass again. he's such a cool kid & i enjoy his company very much.

She forgat to talk about the greatst band in the whole damn world. Captain Benteen. The Captain will save your soule, belive and groove my children. the Captain will now bapteise you, in soulsaveing rock androll! see you beutiful bastards round, 23 skidoo. luv Brendan

CAN I GET AN AMEN?

You can get a big ol amen right here! ~ Yowzah! I gota go home now I maybe rocknroll jesus but even I got to go home when daddy says. I dont mind i got a great dad now. Big groovy sweet hip daddy! 2 of em. they knoow i'm the lord so everythins OK.

brendan! pilate's tales of you make my day. you're part of a story that lives in the back of my head where i still believe in the beautiful things in this world.

Hello! I havn't read much here coz I cant read so good at least not very fast I trust dear old Dad said good things about me which he should becase i am one hell of a swell guy. I am siting here with a friend she snuck out to come see me and then we came to see Crimson.We knew she wold be up. She play cool music and shes real cool for an old geazer. We talked about pentecoastal Church Music and how it becme rock. Just like Elvis. I sang in Church and now i'll be singing the Gospel of rock! I sure wishI could type better this is taking for ever. Bye!

"she's real cool for an old geezer." groovy. be sure to put that on my tombstone.

*laugh* Holy shit. Captain Benteen, seeing you here just made my day. Made my fucking week. 23 skiddoo yerself, and fnord! too. Damn. Y'ARE pretty cool, for an old geezer, Crimson. it's just not stylish to deny your own coolness, you know. heh. madness like water. Time for all good Tom's to hit the sack, though. Sweet dreams, kiddos.

A-ha.....so Lil' Oswald was tormenting Crimson last night while I slept. That's okay. I know he's safe over there. Brendan, if you see this, I do worry about your walking around town at night. Just ask me (or Daddy Trace) and we'll take you over to Crimson's place. Any time, day or night, no questions asked. And now, perhaps the Good Captain will make an appearance at home to take out the trash and wash the dishes. There's a nice stack of plates that are probably growing fur by now.

The Catpain has beat you to it! Dishes are done and trash is done hauled off. I am very good today I even cleaned the bathroom sink and you should pay me lots of mony for this. Dont forget the Captain takes VISA. Keota is comin over for dinner tonite. We may be practisaing too, get the earplugs now!

As my pal Jake says, "Rock out with your cock out!" Take that as you may. Send tapes of C. B. my way when you have 'em, and I'll send you a copy of my old noisy band that I was in with Skooter, the Warren Commission.

cool beans. i wish i had the time to get out my guitar and actually (deep breath here) learn to play it. good luck, cap'n. i had an audition today for placement in the mt.hood symphonic band. it turns out that i don't suck as bad as i thought. am currently writing a paper (well, more of a script) about common misconceptions of natural selection. titanic style. with a song in it about darwin. expect it to be on the rental shelves somewhere around spring 2002.

my traps are collecting wayyy too much dust and nico's moog is sitting all too quietly in that thriftstore suitcase

A Moog? coolness! So many musicins here. Luv it. I wish I could read the posts better it is very hard for me to do. Writing is even worst and it makes my head hurt like a big badass head ache. Im here bugging Crimson and my daddy too and they love every minute of it because its ME and i am after all teenage Jesus. Not realy I could get struck by litening for that. Makeing a post here yesterday was my very 1st time on the internet. It is all new to me but I like it ok espesally the porn. Hot damn!

you little chimp, if you've been surfing for porn on my computer, i'm going to rap your knuckles.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the hole time your were out to lunch i looked at pictuers of guys with ten inch dicks! but To bad they were all smaller hung than me. not every one can be hung like Captain Benteen and his mighty footlong love machine. HUZZAH!

crimson, pilate...i will be sure not to divulge where i work while the teenage jesus is drifting around. yes cap....my wife plays moog, i play drums.....LA music scene is a sucky scene and honestly my photography has taken so much of my time...but we hope to move into a house we can build a studio in the near future.

Oooooohh,Pilate,he is indeed a cute little tyke! Welcome Brendan.We have long been awaiting your arrival!You've made your dad very proud.[I'm having a little trouble though,with trying to picture Crimson as a "cool old geezer".] But seem to now have an image of a "tuna can penis" that I can't seem to shake. We're glad your'e here,and good luck with your musical aspirations. :)

You are so cool every one here is just too cool. I am at Crimsons' and we are talking about Church. I am a church kid and i have a hard time because I do have faith but am afraidt of Church people. I want to be sinner but a saint too. I say Im God a lot but I am kidding. I am a terible sinner and a faggot to but it is so damn fun! Does God not want me to have fun, sure he does. If God donst want me to use my dick why did he give me one and if I'm not supoosd to wear girls' close why does fish net hose fit me so damn good? God made me pretty, not my fault! Some day you know I will have a hot boyfreind and lots of money but for now I have my family and even when the boy and the money come I will always have my beutifull family that I luv very much! Lord almighty I am tire d of typing.

church people are totally weird. be very afraid. especially of the potluck dinners they have.

"God made natural numbers. Man did the rest" --Some famous old coot of a mathematician.

Sound advice Patrick.Be wary of church-folk.They usually want something...........your soul.

And your money.

I had a bad time today I had to read too much and it startd pissing me off it is HARD for me and my lesson is way to hard and I begun geting reall upset and Daddy says I got to do it anyway.And I got mad but now Im' over it but it is still too damn hard and I can't read this bull shit it givs me a head ache from Hell. Fuck reading and fuck school too, no I do'nt really mean it but sometime I could just go God damn nuts! I am home schoolet and Daddy does his very best and don't get mad when I am slow they put me in a retard class in school special ed I hated school those mean awful bastards can suck my balls still even now. I AM NOT stupid but I am slow and people get mad at me, I cant type fast nether I tok typing in school and I got a F! It all make me feel stupid and I just wana scream I am not fucken stupid God damn it, I am not mad at my Daddy in any way at all I am just real frustreted and he said' it was ok for me to tell you that! He said I should try my best to spell good here but I dont care right now Ill try to do a beter job later. I may not so smart but I'm stil good looking! Ha!

Brendan, I want you to know that I am very proud of you. I've never seen you write so much at one sitting before. It's not all spelled perfectly, but when we're pissed off it's okay to bend the rules a little bit. I love you very much. You are very smart and talented. I know that the lessons can be hard, but you are intelligent and you will get through them. I think that your headaches may come from the fact that you need glasses. We talked about this last night. You can have contacts if you want. We'll get you checked out. I understand your rage against the school system. But don't have rage against the learning process. You are smart and you will excel. I know you will. I believe in you one hundred percent. Daddy Trace and I are going to take you out for dinner tonight and we'll all talk. It doesn't have to be heavy. We can talk about whatever you want. I'm looking forward to it because you're always so interesting to talk to. I always walk away learning something when we talk. So you're my teacher, too, and I've never had a better one. Son, you make me proud.

goddamnit this shit makes me tear up.

yeah Brendan......reading used to give me headaches too....then i got glasses and things got a bit better. Its worth looking into. Even now, when i don't wear my glasses to drive or work in my darkroom....i get headaches. You should know that at one point or another everyone hates school, work, people and life in general. Life can't be super fun all the time. I'm sure you know this. but believe me, and i think most will agree...being your age....you are at the doorstep of some of the best times of your life...really you are, especially with folks like Pilate, Trace and Crimson in your life. Few teenagers can be so lucky. Oh, by the way...Daddy Pilate mentioned a while back you were expressing interest in photography. Are you still interested? I do a lot of photography...I have a studio and darkroom. In fact im going to spend a few hours in the darkroom tonight. It's quite relaxing on days when "school sucks". Most folks around sorbaji can tell you, i love talking about photography and sharing what i know. if you have any interest and I can help...here is my email address thewaffleboy@hotmail.com

totally nate

Brendan, your reading will speed up the more you read. sorabji.com could actually help in that. your typing too. And find something you like reading. anything. Check with Daddy Pilate, but Charles Bukowski, for me, writes in a voice that is really easy to read. I fly through his books. His books tend to be full of sex and booze, though. I think "Ham on Rye" would be a good one for you. I'll send you a copy if you (or Pilate) emails me an address.

nate, patrick, you guys are really cool. pilate & brendan are gone right now, but i'm sure they'll appreciate your posts. as for bukowski, hell's bells, why didn't i think of it sooner? i've got plenty of buk right here & should've unloaded it on the kiddo a long time ago. i think brautigan's short poems might also work. i'd love to get him started on chester himes novels or other fun stuff but that might be something for a little later down the road. brendan gets easily frustrated with reading, but he's persistent as hell. he keeps trying again & again. i think it's admirable & i often wish i had that much perseverance. he's trying to do research for a report he's trying to write & it's driving him berserk. the texts are written a bit (or a lot) above his present reading level. he doesn't understand why more books aren't written in simple english. he's getting obsessed w/ the biblical stories of absalom and job (two completely separate stories, of course). he's been reading them out of a children's bible. we're working slowly toward the real thing. but if basic encyclopedia entries are confusing, then holy writ is utterly mind-boggling. still, he's trying like hell. & for that, he's got my everlasting admiration.

brautigans short stories are priceless. the ones that totally perk my day up are the ones contained in Tokyo-Montana Express. Short and sweet. I rotate that book along with a few others in the jon.....

Brendan,I'm kind of like you,but I know I'm smart but it didn't show up in school,probably because of my behavior problems.Anyway books I liked at your age...the electric kool-aid acid test,animal farm,johnny got his gun,to kill a mockingbird,the Grapes of wrath.Of mice and men,hey I did read Steinbeck!!!!!!!

those are all cool books. i remember reading "the outsiders" by s.e. hinton when i was about 13 & really digging it because it was written by a teenage girl. i wanted to be a novelist too & i saw it as inspirational. truth is, i might think it's tripe if i re-read it, but at the time, it worked quite nicely. i think comic books might be helpful, too. when i was teaching english to foreigners i often recommended comics & other pop culture reading. a lot of people thought i was horrible to suggest such trash, but it's a quick intro to idiomatic english. i'll use whatever works. with comix, you don't have to stretch your attention span too terribly & there are groovy pictures & plenty of pop culture references. i've always maintained that reading something is always preferable to reading nothing. read the paper, the comics, a racing sheet, a junk mail circular, but just keep reading relentlessly. i think brendan's still suffering from some bad educational experiences. every little problem in today's school system has to be diagnosed & pigeonholed. for instance, a dear friend of mine w/ an astoundingly high IQ was diagnosed in school by a sadistic teacher as being retarded because she didn't keep her desk clean. it was a nightmare. she was suddenly whisked off to the "slow" classes & felt like she'd just stepped into hell. everybody treated her like she was brain-dead. i myself was removed from honors english & put into the remedial class because i admitted in a class discussion that i'd smoked marijuana before; the honors teacher felt that good literature would be wasted on such a person. so i was dropped into a classroom w/ people who were functional illiterates. the only two people who could read were myself & a girl who'd been stuck in there for getting caught making out w/ a boy. we were forced to do reader's theatre versions of greek plays, reading all the parts, while the jocks threw shit at us & tormented us mercilessly. i got teased & sexually harassed by my fellow "students" to the point that all i can say is this--the school system is just goddamn lucky i didn't pull a columbine routine on them. they'll never know how close they came. brendan was diagnosed as EMR (educable mentally retarded). pilate & i don't buy it. brendan IS learning a hell of a lot & he's making more progress w/ pilate's gentle instruction that he ever could've made in school. anyway, the EMR diagnosis upsets brendan terribly, as it would any thinking person. he's a bright, sweet & funny kid, very inventive & creative, who just fell through the cracks. he has a hell of a way w/ words & sometimes says absolutely amazing shit, especially when he starts making up rants in his captain benteen persona. i really like it when he starts getting all biblical & apocalyptic. at least he made it through school w/o getting totally doped up on ritalin or some other quick fix.

i agree with the comic books. i always forget, though. educated society has really demonized comic books. your stories tend to trouble me, crimson. i just had no idea that these things go on. this is a reason why we need to raise teachers' salaries. we need to have a situation where we have more people who want to be teachers than a need for teachers. if you don't have "ham on rye", my offer stands. i think that would be a great book for the capt'n.

Heh.....yeah some R.Crumb might be fun. Slightly titilating (as comics should be) and terribly critical and synical (as most teens are) and damn funny.

I collected comics in my youth. (and still do, to a small extent) One of my favorite comics was a graphic novel of Othello with the complete, unabridged text. It was my first introduction to Shakespeare. It was great because when the text got confusing the pictures helped with the context.

i found a comic book of grimm's fairy tales in the library...it's pdc. i know this isn't classic literature or even very dignified, but the books by francesca lia block are wonderful. she uses fairly simple language, but her books sparkle somehow. try "weetzie bat" or "baby be-bop". get contacts. they're infinately better. the reason why i got them in the first place is because my sister bent my glasses in half and my dad broke them while trying to bend them back. just don't get yourself punched in the face while wearing contacts. they slip out of your eyes and hurt like hell.

i do have "ham on rye" here. i'm not seeing it at the moment, but i know it's here. i've got just about everything in the bukowski catalog. i should have it in brendan's hands by the next time he comes over. getting stuck in remedial english was a nightmare for me. i didn't fit in & obviously stood out as a geek. the harassment was unreal (not to mention condoned by some of the teachers themselves) but it eventually taught me a certain amount of strength. i finally had to muster the balls to stand up against a lot of guys who were bigger & more powerful than myself. never underestimate the power given by the school system to the likes of cheerleaders & jocks. i was just thinking recently about the high school guidance counselor who told me i'd make a better truck driver than a college student because i was too "coarse" for the college experience. my coarseness was based on several factors, like the fact that i once wrote a school paper defending homosexuality & also that i said in front of a disapproving teacher that i liked george carlin's comedy routines. back then, carlin was considered by the country club set to be quite lowbrow & vulgar. it was considered shocking that i liked carlin. anyway, there were only two ways to go at the last high school i attended...you played tennis & hung out w/ mummy at the country club or you were a working-class schmuck. this was a school that divided students officially into "workers" & "college track". the workers got far less an education than the college track kids. i had a love of literature & plenty of intellectual curiosity. that was not enough to put me on the college track. social skills played into it heavily. i did not have a debutante party. i was refused for the local literary societies because of my leftist politics (yes, even as a teenager, still too young to vote). the literary coteries were run by vapid old bats w/ blue-tinted hair & they only picked the "good girls" to recruit. nobody would have me. my revenge was rather stupid but i decided to devour the town's youth. i took the virginity of half of those old mummies' sons & grandsons. i turned every high-class kid i could onto dope. i started whispering anarchy in their dainty little ears. many boys learned under my tuition that hanging out underneath a tree swilling boone's farm & reading blake was a hell of a lot more enlightening than watching pops play golf for the millionth time. i wanted to turn their daughters into dykes. i waged a hate campaign against the whole fucking county. i bought myself a good time. my revenge was ultimately meaningless to anyone but me, but i got a certain amount of satisfaction out of it. about the comic books...pilate thinks it's a good idea to get brendan reading more comics. i think so, too. i think they can be a great educational tool & also just plain fun sometimes. i'd never discourage a kid from reading comics. as a kid, all of my comics were destroyed by my stepmother, who pronounced them "satanic" after hearing a sermon on the evils of comic books. she made me burn them all. all of the copies of mad magazine had to go, too. i had amassed a huge comic collection which would now be worth a shitload of money. i'm expecting pilate & brendan to come home today w/ the news that the adoption is official. nothing should be stopping it now. brendan's planning a party tonight. i hope to god nothing weird happens to blow this.

If your looking for current comic books with literary value, try Kurt Busiek's "Astro City" series. Busiek creates a world with complex characters, and tells super hero type stories in novel ways, most often from the viewpoint of regular people on the street and minor characters. The plots are complex and always interesting. They're available in compilations. here are some Amazon links: Life in the Big City Confession Family Album Tarnished Angel (still in hardback) Check out the reviews on Amazon. Lots of good info there...

Christ! I used "your" instead of "you're" Feh!

fuckwit.

May your asshole become a Kracker Barrel cheese factory outlet frequented by midgets suffering from athelete's foot.

MAY IT EVER!!!!

Bah!

You guys need to get a room. This is a place of ass worship you know, show some respect. Please turn your hymnals to page 23, "How Great Thou Ass"

My favorite is "Lo, How an Ass is Sprouting"

or "ass of ages, cleft for me". pilate is depressed. it's kind of weird. i've never seen him like this. the adoption didn't go through. however, it WILL go through, probably on monday afternoon. it's just a technicality. there are a couple of final documents he needs to sign, etc. he was supposed to have done all that yesterday, but the person w/ the papers didn't even bother showing up, leaving pilate waiting for hours. finally, she called, mumbling some half-assed excuse into the phone about having to go pick up her kid from dance class, some crap like that. so her dealing w/ HER kid meant that pilate was completely denied having HIS kid. she already HAS a kid & the fucking dance class stuff could've waited for the ten minutes it would've taken her to run the papers over. every minute that goes by w/o the adoption being finalized, pilate becomes more justifiably paranoid. it's just more time in which the local morals police could find a thousand reasons to take brendan away. pilate's got a real fear of brendan being taken away from him, a fear which has now evolved to the point that he's not wanting to leave the kid alone for a minute. pilate's frustrated as hell, just wanting this to be over with. he's exhausted emotionally. brendan still had his friends over & had a little low-key party celebrating the adoption being finalized, even though it wasn't. one of his friends, violet, is staying w/ him all weekend. brendan's little brother, nicky, was also there briefly. pilate began getting all protective of nicky, which was kind of odd. he has a strong protective streak & when it really comes out, it can be fierce. i think he suddenly realized that nicky's still got a few weeks before his own adoption goes through & this kid could also be yanked away by the state at any moment & returned to the custody of his biological parents, which would be disastrous. in reality, pilate only has to wait until monday afternoon. but to him, right now, that almost seems like a lifetime.

Pilate'll do fine, I think.... Nate---great call. "Ham on Rye" is a kickass book---a definite favorite of mine----and a must for the dejected teen in all of us. Bukowski talks a couple of times about the whole "Stone Boy" stance---his refusal to allow his Dad to dunk his face in the puke. That ran home to me like a fucking rocket sled. As far as comics I think my reigning favorites might be the WATCHMEN mini-series, THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS and ARKHAM ASYLUM....there was also this DAREDEVIL graphic novel that Frank Miller & Bill Sienkiwicz did....anything by either Alan Moore or Frank Miller, anyway.... ELEKTRA: ASSASSIN---goddammit.... And any of the fine Piranha Press releases....mostly out of print, now, I think..... On Ass Worship I present a belated Christmas Carol: O Holy Ass....

"O Little Ass Of Bethlehem....." Things are okay now. I can't explain what went through my mind earlier. It was completely illogical and depressing as fuck. But everything's better now and I realize that things will be all right. Thank God I've got a lover who can deal with me even when I'm not functioning at optimal levels of sanity.....and a kid who can help keep me together. Brendan helped me a hell of a lot. His input was very valuable.

Comic? Say no more! The "Big Book of..." series should be rright up Cap'n bent-teen's alley, especially teh Big Book of conspiracys and the one about the unexplained. Don't forget Edward Gorey! If you game, C.B., Knights of teh Dinner Table is amust. Actually, I think it is even if you don't, it's one of the funniest series out there (along wiht its companion books - hackmasters of Evernight and Knights of the Dinner Table Illustrated). Try Transmetropolitan too - I think you would identify with it. Check out the Life is hell series too. As for book-books, Vonnegut is pretty easy to read. (I think) Keep it up, the more you read, the easier it gets, and the more joyful it is. You 'll improve quickly, I can tell from the clarity of your posts. Someday, you'll have to tackle the Lord of the Rings (i just finished something like my 40th re-readof the series, brought upon by too much excitement caused by visiting lordoftherings.net[which if you haven't seen the trailer yet, go aand look at it]).

The Cap'n has already been exposed to the Big Book of Conspiracies, thanks to Uncle Pug. The reading is still a bit advanced but Crimson and Pug have been helping out when he gets completely stuck and can't go any further. The text in some of the comics is still a little beyond what Brendan's able to cope with, although he keeps working hard on it. The pictures do help quite a bit. He also enjoys just plain old comics and kinda likes the Silver Surfer series in addition to old House of Mystery comics. Crimson has also turned him on to Milk & Cheese and Hothead Paisan, both of which he likes a lot. Most parents would probably be alarmed by their kid reading something like Hothead Paisan but I approve. He's also trying to read Marilyn Manson's autobiography and any number of magazines, ranging from rock mags to porn. Somebody gave him a stack of porn magazines. He looked at the pictures a long time ago and is now actually trying to decipher the text.

hm i really have no idea how i would feel about my own child being exposed to porn [as if you can really prevent it] -whether or not i would condone it. but your openness with brendan doesn't shock or bother me in the least. it seems like the most straight-forward choice. my hesitation i think stems from my own personal indoctrination into a christian 'sex is scary if you're not married' position. it seems that i've fully absorbed that line of thought. although the actions of other people don't bother me, i have a whole different approach with myself. sometimes i am relieved that my discomfort [emotionally, really] prevents what my will-power alone would not. not everything, mind you

Brendan's already had sex and drug experiences. He had these experiences well before I ever met him. If he's old enough to have been to bed with men, he might also be old enough to look at nekkid pictures of them. I worry sometimes about the kid's outlook on sexuality. I see if this way......if Brendan looks at a few dirty pictures and comes to me to talk about it (and he does) then we have a starting point for discussing the whole issue. He'll probably see dirty pictures whether I approve or not. Besides, these mags aren't all that bad. It's not total hardcore. More beefcake than anything else. Fluffy porn, not disturbing porn. Something for him to giggle over, more than anything.

i was exposed to quite a bit of porn as a kid. i also watched adults screwing in front of me. all of this happened before i hit grade school. then things cooled down a bit & i didn't get exposed to large quantities of hardcore porn again until i was about 12 or so. by then, the porn was truly hardcore & some of it was also rather violent. but it didn't harm me in any way that i can tell. it's no biggie. the porn didn't disturb me half as much as what the actual adults were doing to me. the images on paper couldn't hurt me. the grown-ups could hurt me, & often did.

I looked at some porn when I was a kid....near as I can tell, it didn't make me a bad guy.... WHOOP! S'cuse me----gotta pull the kittens out of the oven for some additional basting....

my dad had hustlers on the back of the toilet for guests. how thoughtful! hustler and gray's anatomy. 8 years old and i knew all about hoochies. they were a lot hairier back in the 70's.

The porno isnt a bad thing I think its funny! Its not like I'm a perv sitten insde my room all day wacking off to pix. The Captain has a life! And I coud get models that look like that any day of the week becase I am so damn hot. Do I need porno, no I dont! I read othre stuff too like potery and I am tryin to get what Alan Ginsberg wrot but it is hard but at lest he talks about geting laid which is some thing the world needs more of, in the 1960S people said to make luv not war. Now everybody laugfs at that but its' stil l a good idea cuz, if folks was gettin some they would not haev time to bitch at each other! when I am King there wo'nt be no more war just sex forevar.

I spelt forever wrong, It is FOREVER. No body had to tell me and I got it on my own! Daddy Trace give me my vocab. words for this week and I got all of them 100 per cent for last time and here is what they was, ecstasy omnivore spacious familiar official cryptic snide commit rogue gallant. These are the hardest ever. I wish i did not forget them all ritght away! I knowe what they mean but speling them on papar is hard as hell and Daddy was bein a dick cause he know these are VERY hard! Ha. hes never a dick really and I love him bigtime but God damn who make up these words there so hard I have to say them in seantances and its way easyer to speeak them than to write down.

it will get easier. remember that the words are just a tool for you to be able to tell everyone your brilliant ideas.

I had challenged Brendan to use all of the above vocabulary words together. After an hour or so of thinking about it, this is what he told me (verbally, not on paper) "Being a good omnivore, I ate some ecstasy. As I sat in my spacious and familiar laboratory, the government official looked at me in a snide way. However, I was gallant to the old rogue. Later that night, he would commit suicide and leave a cryptic, disturbing note about an alien from Venus named Valiant Thor and his plans to infiltrate the Pentagon." This is the kid the school system declared barely capable of learning. The kid they diagnosed as mentally retarded. What gives me the creeps is wondering how many MORE kids they screwed over. They decided that Brendan simply couldn't learn so they put him in a "class" where he played with construction paper and stared out the window.....for years. During that time, he was seriously traumatized by other students. It will take a long time to undo the damage, but with patience (and Brendan's incredible level of cooperation) we're going to overcome these problems. I have a smart kid and nobody can convince me otherwise.

i don't think i could put that together and relate it without writing it down. maybe there is good in all that. they left him alone in a way to develop his unique character and now he's found you to help him relate it to the rest of the world. i think school seriously stilted my ability to think.

Here's a thought: use each weeks vocab words in lyrics to a song that Cap'n Benteen will come up with music for and possibly perform. Then you will have better lyrics than 90% of recording bands.

That's a really cool idea. I'll have to tell the Cap'n about it. When the kid put those words together like that, it just blew my mind. I got him to say the whole thing again and I just sat there writing it down. I don't know if Brendan would ever have written that down on paper but he's great with spoken word material. I'm trying to get him to write poetry. Thanks to Crimson for the "Valiant Thor" reference. She's been telling him about VT, the alien from Venus who's supposedly spent time with Nixon and other figures in Washington. Brendan loves stuff like that.

cap'n, i'd kill you if it meant i could steal your powers. hell, that goes for all of you. you all rock.

that is slinkster cool! i'd love to hear what he'd come up with if he played with a magpo kit. another poet i recommend is marvin bell. he's got some wonderful and humorous "dead man poems". i'm working on a zine. email me if you want a copy, and i'll send it off when it's done.

I did a zine for about 8 years...it was a lot of fun and it enabled me to meet some very cool people..... I think I have some superpowers...one is the ability to pound a baseball bat through the head of a gentleman. I try not to use it that often, tho----

The adoption was finalized today. You don't even know how relieved I am. Over the weekend, I became seized with an overwhelming fear that something was going to happen to overturn the adoption proceedings. But it's done now, at last. Trace has asked me if I want to move our marriage plans forward. With Brendan really being really ours now it seems as if our getting married is a nice idea. It does sound pretty damn compelling. We'll be talking about it. We're engaged but not set to get married for quite a while. He wants to move the date up. I think he'd be all for our getting married tomorrow if I agreed to it. I just marvel at what a cool and wonderful little family I've got now. I could start getting all sappy here but I won't. Trace and Brendan are just the best. That's it. The best.

congratulations and best wishes.

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Its realy over and I have goten adopted! My bro. Nicky askd me if I feel any difrant now, what a funny thing to say but it DOES. Every thing has chainged now no one can take me away and thats a real good thing. Nickys' getin adopted by a preacherman whos real nice and not mean. Nicky is a real cute kid but got way too much enargy it's like tryen to keep up with a tornado. He is in a privaet school and get good grades like I never did. Stil in grade school and spells better than me damit! Ha. Or whos lafing.haf my age and reads books I cant. But, I will get ahead and kick ass.

haha! best wishes! on the zine front, i'm almost done gathering my writing together. i'm going to edit a paper i did last week, then i'm going to rewrite it to size and put in some illiustrations. again, please email if you'd like a copy.

hey Pez, Crimson is gona eMail you for a copy and then everyone here will see your great zine! I am at Crimsons place with my friend Keota and we are buggen the hell out of every body. Not realy becaus God knows every body luvs us so much! I am not a pane in the ass I am THE FUTURE. I am the Archbishop of funk. Bow down and show a little respecte or I will smite you betwean the loins with my twelev inch mallet of love. At Crimsons' it is cool and we can burn insense and play weard music and play with her rats and pester crap out of every one all day long.

Pez, baby. Hit me. 17913 NE Oregon, at 181st. Damn. I knew I forgot something. Meant to invite you to our little housewarming party last weekend. Sorry. It was crazy. and now: my fucking phone has been disconnected. I write this from Kinkos. Must find work, pay bills, etc. Damnit. Maybe I'll SELL a 'zine. didn't think so. later, kids.

i had a rat his name was nigel hooray for futures looking up

i saw a rat today. a dead one. i'm going to write about it in my zine. which i'll get out as soon as i draw some decent pictures and find that scene i wrote from ee cummings' play. i think that makes four i need to make, counting one for myself.

oswald, the latest statement reminded me of "renagades of funk" by rage against the machine. thought you'd like to know.

i have a rat eating my house. at night, over our heads. skipping through the ceiling gnawing on my wooden home. i am going to kill it.

Could be that you have a Siberian hamster named Basil on your hands.

whatever it is, it will die.

I actually have the original "Renegades of Funk" (Afrikka Bambatta) on 12" vinyl. I originally picked it up for the cheesy cover art. I need to get a record player at some point, though, so I can listen to it.

Used to love playing with those bigass rat traps (the snap kind) when I was a kid. My dad caught a few rats with them, but mostly mice. They'd basically squash the mice in half. When I was first in college and living in seedy hellholes in upper Manhattan, we'd bait 4 or 5 mouse traps and hear the snap 3 or 4 times a night. Fuckers would eat right through those plastic bags of rice and leave little droppings everywhere. I remember one time having a poker game and being drunk off my ass and went into the kitchen for another beer and finding a mouse running around the counter, and after many tries, I nailed one with a beer bottle. In another place, we'd use glue traps, but those seemed cruel -- a lot of times you'd come back and they'd still be alive. Good luck with Basil, Nate. Shame nobody got that reference -- doesn't anybody appreciate Fawlty Towers?

Anastasia. No luck yet with the traps. But i haven't heard the little fucker since i set them. maybe he took off because i got human smell all over the place. eat you bastard. eat and die.

just thinking about my happy fuzzy little rodents here, the ones in the cages, & kinda wishing that rodents weren't so universally reviled. but i understand about the ones that get loose in your house. i used to share a wretched little apartment w/ a hugeass wharf rat. it was terrifying. he spent his time creeping between my shower stall & the kitchen. i could hear him breathing.

One of my favorite books is King Rat.