in 1992 i was declared officially schizophrenic and thus relieved of the pressure of having to work to have a roof over my head it helps and a lot but every passing day i feel very dingy about it especially in the morning when i watch all the other people get up and get on the bus or driving their cars or walking down the street to their hundreds of boring but useful jobs i worked as a florist for a few years when i was younger hopping from shop to shop i took a couple of classes learned to make those hideous FTD posie nosegays (wo)manned the counter could never chat up the customers because i didn't know how to talk about stuff like restaurants and tv shows and who won the football game last night so i kept getting gently let go and going on to the next place with a shaky reference and a resume only covering 1/2 a page with very l o o s e a n d d o u b l e - s p a c e d t y p i n g (well, not THAT loose) after i was about 25 it became clear to me that i wasn't cut out for floristry i worked for a few months as a clerk in a heavy-metal clothing outlet that was the best job i ever had i loved it after 5 months the boss had a mistress who needed a job and he unceremoniously handed mine over to her concocting a rumour that he had seen me come to work with signs of hard drug use when at that time i did not do such things at all after that, i was desperate and started working the sex industry at which time i most assuredly came to work with signs of hard drug use and then it was for real i started as an escort and ended up on the street many stories there, some good, some terribly hideous but as the years rolled by they took their toll and in 1996 i called that quits i have not worked since then that means it has been 10 years since i last legally worked i wish i could work i wish i could have the endurance to have energy that lasted all day i wish i could chat up people about boring topics without looking so bored i wish i could make sense of things that i am told to do that don't make sense to me or else just do them, without questions like a good little slave but time and time again it's been shown that i can't seem to do that so now i am a domestic engineer of sorts although no way would i ever call myself that i just take care of my life and the home of my mate and i and learn to make web pages of a saleable nature slowly but surely and i can't say its an unhappy life but i wish i could work sometimes just to know i was capable of it