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will people so kindly post some silly poems that make them happy. i don't want it to be too long. i want to give a nice, silly, sweet poem to this lady i work with on monday. she is awfully sad on mondays and i want to make her feel better. |
I had a duck-billed platypus when I was up at Trinity, With whom I soon discovered a remarkable affinity. He used to live in lodgings with myself and Arthur Purvis, And we all went up together for the Diplomatic Service. I had a certain confidence, I own, in his ability, He mastered all the subjects with remarkable facility; And Purvis, though more dubious, agreed that he was clever, But no one else imagined he had any chance whatever. I failed to pass he interview, The Board with wry grimaces Took exception to my boots and then objected to my braces, And Purvis too was failed by an intolerant examiner Who said he had his doubts as to his sock-suspenders' stamina. Our summery rejection, though we took it with urbanity, Was naturally wounding in some measure to our vanity. The bitterness of failure was considerably molified, However, by the ease with which our platypus had qualified. The wisdom of the choice, it soon appeared, was undeniable; There never was a diplomat more throughly reliable. The creature never acted with undue precipitation O, But gave to every question his mature consideration O. He never made rash statements his enemies might hold him to, He never stated anything, for no one ever told him to, And soon he was appointed, so correct was his behaviour, Our Minister (without Portfolio) to Trans-Moravia. My friend was loved and honoured from the Andes to Esthonia, He soon achieved a pact between Peru and Patagonia, He never vexed the Russians nor offended the Rumanians, He pacified the Letts and yet appeased the Lithuanians, Won approval from his masters down in Downing Street so wholly, O, He was soon to be rewarded with the grant of a Portfolio, When, on the Anniversary of Greek Emancipation, Alas! He laid an egg in the Bulgarian Legation. This untoward occurrence caused unheard-of repercussions, Giving rise to epidemics of sword-clanking in the Prussians. The Poles began to threaten, and the Finns began to flap at him, Directing all the blame for this unfortunate mishap at him; While the Sweds withdrew entirely from the Anglo-Saxon dailies The right of photographing the Aurora Borealis, And, all efforts at rapprochment in the meantime proving barren, The Japanese in self-defense annexed the Isle of Arran. My platypus, once thought to be more cautious and more tentative Than any other living diplomatic representative, Was now a sort of warning to all diplomatic students Of the risk attached to negligence, the perils of imprudence. Beset and persecuted by the forces of reaction O, He reaped the consequences of his ill-considered action O; And, branded in the Honours List as 'Platypus, Dame Vera', Retired, a lonely figure, to lay eggs at Bordighera. |
The wind can be calm, Yet sometimes it blows. Through the hair on my head, And the hair up my nose. -Footsies- My feet are so good, My feet are so fine. I know you want to sniff them, but you can't, 'cause THEY'RE MINE! HAHAHA! |
So long as you suffer from any complaint; But, if you don't, there's no denying The chances are that you're not trying. |
-Ugly- Ugliest man in town was Raphael Martinez he's kin to them Martinezes I never told you about had them triplet boys 2 borned hooked together on one leg and this sister that grown a extra tit right abover her hip they sed but they never cut them apart borned dead so they took the 2 and put them in a museum in a jar where you can go see them looking at you through the alcohol he wasn't born that way herded sheep up above sawmill road this one morning he woke up wished he hadn't of couldn't stand up the pain was so bad he known he couldn't live with it and it was too far to town like a weasel inside him chewing he said he found his pistol put it in his mouth and pulled bullet torn out his cheekbone shot off half his ear never hit no brains at all and that was the only bullet left he couldn't get to the rifle so after he waited to die and finally didn't taken his knife cut his throat but didn't hit a vein stabbed hisself but the blade was turned wrong on a rib and bounced off stabbed hisself higher and harder hit his collarbone so it broke the knifeblade off part of it stuck in the bone he thrown hisself in the fire sed that hurt to bad to stay it was coals from last night melted his face on one part burnt off the hair on that side where it never did grown back closed up one eye carterized his neck where he cut it so it almost stopped bleeding sed he could hear hisself frying for somebody's breakfast but he had to roll out couldn't stand it no more found a shoeing hammer took and hit hisself hard as he could between the eyes with both hands on the handle knocked him out so hard he should of starved to death before he woke up but didn't had a lump the size of a ostrich egg growing on his face so he had one more idea tied a pigging rope on his feet drug hisself to this mule he had a mean kicking bastard crawlt up on his back and tied his hands to his feet under that mule's belly sed he never known how that mule let him get on he's hollering so of the pain when he moved that mule hated being loaded and he'd even untied him first he could of run off or kicked him in the mouth there on his knees he figgered that mule would at least thrown him off over his butt and kick loose cave mebbe the rest of his head in mule turnt and went to town got him there by afternoon passed out people who found him was scairt to death seen that one side didn't have no face left blood all over that mule like he'd been swatting flies on him with a icepick the took him to the hospital couldn't figure out what was wrong saw all them holes in him burnt off spots blood everwhere when they went to lay him out straight he'd scream like hell and they couldn't understand a word of it the only English he's speaking was Spanish couldn't wake him up enough to shift his gear tried to patch him up best they could without it costing much they known it wasn't no insurance nobody wanted the mule that night they sed he set up hollering like a sonofabitch grapt his privates like he'd pull it off they taken and given him a shot by next morning he passed as big as then end of your thumb this kidney stone sed it turnt his gentile inside out never seen one that big before he bored a hole in it worn it for a necklace I seen it many a time my god he's ugly about half a face with the eye shut on that side half a ear throat cut scar and his arms blistered from his elbows to hands where he lain in that fire dent between his eyes and a big white spot where his cheekbone used to be before the bullet come out wasn't a kid in town who'd say on the same side of the street as he's walking on never bothered him a bit he's happy as a goose and about that many brains left so about a year before he died he come in to the doctor again all wadded up in a bunch he kinfolk brought him give him the examination and the x-ray by then doctor sez I got bad news for you sed his face went as white as a Nazarine preacher or a highway patrol doctor sez you got the cancer Ralph Martinez almost fell off the chair started laughing and bawling did the cross thing sed oh thank god goddam thank god I's afraid it'd be the kidney stone again he's so happy they sed it almost looked like that face would of busted like a balloon sed he wasn't afraid of no cancer or dying cause he been there before but with the kidney stone it wasn't no way he could find out how to not be there when it happened and that's just too ugly for him to have to think about |
(To be said in one breath) Elaine gives me a pain, Gill makes me ill, Winnie's a ninny, Orin is borin' Milly is silly, Rosy is nosy, Junie is loony Gussie is fussy, Jackie is wacky, Tommy is balmy, Mary is scary, Tammy is clammy, Abby is crabby, Patt is batty, Mazie is lazy, Tiny is whiney, Missy is prissy, Nicky is picky, And almost everyone Makes me sicky. **************** Needles and Pins Needles and pins, Needles and pins, Sew me a sail To catch me the wind. Sew me a sail Strong as the gale, Carpenter, bring out your Hammers and nails. Hammers and nails, Hammers and nails, Build me a boat To go chasing the whales. Chasing the whales, Sailing the blue Find me a captain And sign me a crew. Captain and crew, Captain and crew, Take me, oh take me To anywhere new. ******************* Magic Sandra's seen a leprechaun, Eddie touched a troll, Laurie danced with witches once, Charlie found some goblins' gold. Donald heard a mermaid sing, Susy spied an elf, But all the magic I have known I've had to make myself. ********************** Me-Stew I have nothing to put in my stew, you see, Not a bone or a bean or a black-eyed pea, So I'll just climb in the pot to see If I can make a stew out of me. I'll put in some pepper and salt and I'll sit In the bubbling water--I won't scream a bit. I'll sing while I simmer, I'll smile while I'm stewing, I'll taste myself often to see how I'm doing. I'll stir me around with this big wooden spoon And serve myself up at a quarter to noon. So bring out your stew bowls, You gobblers and snackers. Farewell--and I hope you enjoy me with crackers! ****************** hell. http://www.ezy.net/~quix/shel.html |
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