| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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Worst of all, I'm in a new relationship. My new girl understands my feelings, but it hurts her, so i stopped talking. (probably the reason why i'm venting this here) I try to understand why I miss her so much, thinking if I find the reason I can go on with my life. I made myself believe I had managed to create a goddess out of her, to worship every time things went bad in the new relationship. But it wasn't that. I started to think it was purely sexual. So I ended up in bed with girls that resembled her. Even now I don't see how I could have been so stupid. I try to keep as busy as possible. Problem is I'm heading towards a nervous breakdown. I can't go to a public place alone without sweating and trembling hands and feeling like i have to get out of there as quickly as possible. |
do you know the secret handshake? |
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obsessions are not your friends. however, with help i learned how to let it go and stop blaming myself. hell, i even discovered some cracks in the 'goddess''s pedestal. but i couldn't get out of that thinking without the assistance of some very caring individuals. seriously. get help. it's worth it to let that shit go. |
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you're getting there, though. keep working on it. |
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oh dear, sweet valium. |
Let me try this again. "Fuck you, you asses." *plural* |
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What did agent d ever do to u? Back off, bitch. d ain't so bad. |
The "agent," for your information, pissed me off with all that "muscle lady" crap. Body builders are a bunch of pansies. I could kick him and his muscle-bound dream girl back into the middle of last week without breaking a sweat. And furthermore, I'm sick of his "looking-for-muscle-lady" messages in all the truck stop ladies rooms. DO YOU HEAR ME AGENT D, STAY THE FUCK OUTTA THE LADIES ROOM, YOU FREAK!!! I'm watchin' for you, sucka, and you're gonna get it! As for you, dumpster boy, why donja just crawl back in with the slime and maggots you came from! |
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I guess I figured out what my biggest problem was. I quit school and home at the age of 16, worked in some factories, nightshifts etc. At 21 I decided I wanted to get my highschool degree, to be able to study at the art academy...I get my degree and meet this girl. She's a few years older, her last relationship went bad because she had a sexual affair with the guy living next door. She broke up with her steady partner but still loved him as a good friend. Nothing that I couldn't understand. Problems only arose once I noticed she still slept at his house sometimes. If she would at least have said something about it, I could have understood, but she didn't and I kept silent. So one night, after going out, I see her car in front of his house again. I wait untill 8 in the morning and see her leave. She doesn't notice me, and once she's around the corner, I ring at the guy's door, as he's a friend of a friend of... So he's surprised, but as a good psychology student, remains calm and we sit down to talk about the situation. He confirms what I already knew, nothing sexual going on, but ;(and that's where the shoe didn't fit); said that I was jealous about their relationship. He still loved her as he used to do before their incident but she definetely couldn't see him as someone more than a very good friend. Ok, I understand, but then she could have told me this herself. I decided not to go home through that neigboorhood again. Once I saw her she didn't say anything about that night and I just forgot about it. A year later, when cleaning my drawer I find this book and can't resist reading it. Her diary. Very very wrong thing to do. About people she still loved (hear me coming?). I tilt and once she comes home, tell her about it. Now the discussion didn't go about her and relationships but about me reading her personal stuff and I must admit she was right. Another year later, we're quietly sitting at a pub, when a guy comes up she recognises as an old friend. I can't think else than he's an arrogant prick and tell her after the evening is over. We get into a big fight, her argument being that I'm just jealous, my point being that I don't like him and don't have to blindly accept everyone she likes. Afterwards she told me that the guy we met that evening was the guy next door which she cheated her boyfriend with. The next few weeks this guy regularly called her by phone and I let him do. Around the same time I proposed her to live together and rent a house or something. At first she was enthousiastic, but that vanished away, I didn't see why, and a week later she phoned me to say she found a better appartment she was going to live in. Without saying anything anymore about my proposal. What bothered me the most was that she never came over to my place, I always slept over at her place. Renting my own place, working for it while studying and being at her place most of the time, not very logical, but if she said the time wasn't good for her to take the step, okay. A year later I make the same proposal, and believe it or not, exactly the same thing happens. Meanwhile, she's paid by her parents, she gets a free scholarship etc. This makes my life and its financial troubles look miserable in her eyes. She even bought me prada shoes and all...I started feeling very insecure about myself, my age, my family etc. After a third time being put down not living together, I break up with her. I don't hear from her for a while and a girlfriend tells me she went living together with a guy from class she hardly knows, after she slept with the guy next door again. Since my last post here, I called her to go drink something and her response was: "I don't want to do anything my boyfriend (the guy from class) wouldn't like, you see I learned from my mistakes: it's better to have a clean breakup when having a new relationship." That's what hurt me the most I think. Now there's only anger left. |
I think perhaps,when analyzing the situation,that you might of been somewhat of an enabler.I think we all fall prey to this gray area,when it comes to love.We tolerate things that ordinarily we wouldn't,when we are in love. That doesn't make it any easier.But at least you tried.Its time to move on.Let it go. And hopefully,she did learn from her mistakes.Hopefully,we can all learn from our mistakes. Let it go. |
the boy set himself up for it. dude, have some spine and some integrity and for god sakes learn to see when a girl doesnt respect you. you shouldnt have asked her to move in with you so many times. once is enough. she seemed to loose respect for you long before, but just didnt have didnt have the balls to tell you. sorry your are all sad and such, but, you kind set yourself up for the repeated rejection. |
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She was on anti-depressiva, always stressing for school, money, life. Her first boyfriend ever was the only one she really loved, but he appeared to be schizofrene and was taken in constant observation. So their relationship somewhat ended four years before I met her. When she met me, she compared me a lot with this guy, apparently I even looked a bit like him. At that time I didn't know anything about that story. It was only after a year or so, she came up crying at my door, saying this guy's parents called her to say he committed suicide in hospital. I went to his funeral with her. I didn't have a very easy youth but I always had the feeling I was doing quite good. I mean I felt like it's part of life, the ups and downs, if it sometimes meant not having money or security. I had a friend who shot a bullet in his head ten minutes after I spoke him at a birthday party. It was like someone sent me a card telling me that nothing in life is important enough to be angry over forever. It's like the only thing you can be angry for is when there's no one anymore. I guess, when having a fight over something, I always had this feeling in myself like "I can take a lot more than this, I know what's worse". That's why I tried not to give in to my "negative emotions" and always tried to understand her. Now this may sound as it was hard to do that, but in fact, it felt liberating. |
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i want to thank all of you for your advice and good humor bless you all... |
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