I now humbly submit a couple pieces of my poetry, one free form and one lyric. Critisism, praise, indifference; all I ask is for your opinions. The first is simply ramblings of a three AM escapade, and thus: Bit by bit Twist by twist Heartstrings Tied in knots Like tangled hair After the fact One must cut the threads To maintain order And comfort One must cut the threads Inch by inch Slowly forward My heart goes out To the world Reluctantly, relentlessly, forboding, wise I find odd confusion within me A confusion of emotion and need For that wich keeps me enchanted For that wich we call true love Two handed handshake Two fisted grin Everyone behind their own backs Slanderous treacherous Treasanous fools Waiting to betray themselves - I'll have no part With a steady hello I will not become involved These horrible mongers Can destroy themselves I'll not be who must take blame She stole my heart! It must be a crime to humanity For she stole my heart! I blame her I blame both her and I For she stole my heart! And I have not been the same ever since -for she stole my heart… -it's a crime to humanity -for she stole my heart… -(and) made me love… And the second is one of the only decent piece of lyrics I've written. It's not all good but I tried. Here we go: LOVE AND DESPERATION What is love But a dagger stuck inside me That hurts me so constantly It is called love Love is just another word for pain I need to get away from it But when I stand out in the rain I can't help but think of it And love is only sorrow disguised as happy times And I know that love will kill me in the end I never understood it never in my life The closest I could really get was 'friend' I remember once I loved someone It only brought me close to suicide I still feel it burning deep inside me The really is no place to hide She didn't love me She never loved me She does not love me (And) it destroys me I still love her so much I'd kill for her Be killed for her She doesn't understand me and I'd kill for her Just might kill her Cause she doesn't understand me I hate her Because I love her I've gone blind I've gone blind in my mind's eye The static in my mind is why There is light in my eyes I only have one eye to see through And it's the cherry eye of love I feel drunk and I feel stoned Like the gods that reign above Love took my common sense And now I'm all alone Relying on my crazyness I hope to stumble home That's all for now, Strange

I must say, I very much enjoyed the "two handed handshake" stanza. Good flow to it, nice punch. As for the rest of it, it was reasonably well constructed, but the flow seemed choppy and at times the tone couldn't hold itself together. It was whiny, which is fine, but it was trying to be something more than that. Pieces need to be honest.

Given, the lyrics (love and desperation) especially are whiny, but hey, I've got the right to whine. I thank you for the fact that you gave real constructive critisism, it's nice know there are people willing to do so. As for flow, one thing I've noticed in lyrics is that flow quite often depends on the individual interpretation of the vocalist/reader. For instance (this particular song probobly isn't the best example) Spiraling Shape, by They Might Be Giants. If you ever hear it sung it has wonderful flow, but just as dry text it's almost clunky. Sorry and thanks, Strange

I liked both of them Strange...heres one of my very favorites...I didnt write it...it was written for me.. its very nice...in my opinion.. A dream.. You walked into my life nothing but a vision, a hope, a dream Me, never knowing the possibilities. Fraught with frustration our early moments Unable to speak the truth inside, The greatest of storms with fury unleashed. An omen of the power of the love to come? Sensing perhaps something different, it seemed Possible with you, this dream of dreams. Something about you, drew me, called me From the bottom of the heart. I listened to it call, sometimes screaming To respond. Not enough of you could I get, The insatiable urge to have you near, Overwhelming. And Yet, through the storms We waged. Finally a breakthrough, a day a goodbye to one, A proposal to you, the only one. Ever. Anticipation. Yes? Yes! Oh, the joy, the fun, the laughter, the love. Feelings never felt, emotions never seen, Words never uttered these are what You bring from the depths of my soul; Touching me like no one before; Loving me like I never knew. We move onward together, toward something unknown, The excitement building as we near. Never so looking forward to a moment, an instant In time, when, there you are love, My vision, my hope, my dream. ~ I love you so very much baby