Subtitle: Where's Martha Fucking Stewart When You Really Need Her? So anyway... I've had a craving for delived eggs for the past 2 days. And I firmly believe one shd always satisfy one's cravings. Deviled eggs/ caviar/thai stick/good champagne/freebase/ lobster/Ben & Jerry's/other people's spouses... If you've got a hankering for it/then go out & get yrself some! (Okay -- not other people's spouses. Or minors. But anything short of those two/you shd definitely scratch that itch.) And lo & behold /after tossing off a rather casual prayer to the Almighty on Thurs. nite to have my IRS refund miraculously appear in my checking account ASAP becuz I gots no groceries/when I called the tellerline [Good] Friday morning/my $$ was there. (Snigger if you want to/but prayer works!) So I went grocery shopping yesterday afternoon & bought myself a dozen eggs & some Gulden's brown mustard (that yellow stuff is for sissies) /borrowed some relish & mayo from Mom's (becuz for some reason/I never use either of those condiments. The leftovers wd've stayed in the fridge til they spoilt) & proceeded to boil up the chicken ova about 40 min. ago. I diced an onion into a bowl (really an oversized coffee mug. But remember/I'm single...)/tossed in some relish & mayo/then transferred the boiled eggs into my only genuine mixing bowl w/cold water & a few ice cubes/so they'd cool down quickly. And when I went to peel them/don'tcha know the egg shells stuck horrendously to practically every damn egg! The whites are so mangled I can't even stuff them. Talk abt being pissed! So what did I do wrong? Was it the ice cubes? Whenever I make deviled eggs/I always add a few ice cubes to the cooling bath. Never had a problem w/it before. I boiled them about 10 min. -- which she be okay/becuz when you've got a lot of eggs in the pot/you have to increase the standard 5 min-benchmark time for making a single hard-boiled egg. And I turned the burner down to med. as soon as they came to a boil. Only one cracked. But I was only able to remove the shells from 3 of them w/out totally shredding the whites. Look -- I know we're at war in Kosovo & there are bigger problems to worry abt. But I reeaalllly wanted those deviled eggs. And now I've got a mug full of deviled yolks! I worked from 10pm - 3am at my nite gig (since I was off & slept in yesterday) & I've gotta put my car in the shop @ 8:00am. So I planned to stay up all nite/make myself some deviled eggs & bacon& (I splurged on Boar's Head thick-cut -- Yum!) /then drive over to wake up my Da so he cd follow me to the gas station & give me a ride back home (which he already volunteered to do). And I cd surprise him w/some deviled eggs when we got back to my crib. Becuz tomorrow's is his birthday. But now all I've got are deviled egg yolks! (But the 3 I did manage to stuff were Umm, Umm Good!) And then I come back here & read Mark's post to S.E. abt how he's papering over his windows w/tin foil becuz he hates the sun. When it's finally Spring again in NY. So now I've got no deviled eggs & Mark to worry abt all damn day... Plus Six threw up her dinner again last nite. Which happens every time I don't give her a fingertipful of vaseline by 11:30pm & she eats late. (The vaseline eliminates hairballs. And since came home late/she ate late). But I swear /she seems to be able to upchuck at will! And she's been her perfectly happy, playful self as usual/so I don't think she's sick. Maybe I need to take her to the vet... But the only way to tell if she'sgot a huge hairball in her stomach wd be to do an MRI. Can you imagine what it must cost to have yr cat MRI'd? It's times like this that make me wish I was married. Or at least shacked up w/someone who was all abt making my life blissful & handling all my stressful situations for me. Shit -- at this point/I'd settle for a beer-guzzling slob in his boxers. So long as cd make perfect deviled eggs.

Martha is probably consorting with one of her supremely buffed "experts" and too busy for us slobs in the dust. So I will tell you how to make a perfect deviled egg, eggs being my main thing this time of year. Put the room temperature eggs (don't take them directly from the fridge to the stove) into a pan that just fits. Cover with cold water. Bring to a boil. Put the lid on and turn the heat source off, AT ONCE. Go away for about 45 minutes, or overnight, or whatever. These eggs will not overcook. I usually wait about 25 minutes for 8 eggs. Take the lid off the pan, run it with cold water until you can put your hand in to pick up an egg, leaving the rest of the eggs submerged in the cooling (heat-transferring) water, Crack and shuck the egg immediately, and IMMEDIATELY cut it and remove the yolk to a separate place. Now you have time to let everything cool while you prepare the stuffing. Just keep the whites under a damp paper towel. You're going to squish the yolks anyway, so don't worry about them at this point. This way you avoid that dark ring around the yolk, and get perfect little white boats to put the filling in. If you love Gulden's I cannot help you. I hate the stuff, the way it looks and stinks. Try some sweet-hot mustard with no seeds, or some chinese extra hot diluted with lemon juice. Or use the damn Gulden's. See if I care.

and i have long red hair, not silvery. really really red, as red as that russian ice dancer person. i wear it braided or tucked up at work, because it's so red it's distracting to the general public. please do not visualize sheila with long silvery hair. it's all wrong.

i don't trust the "turning off the heat source" part of those instructions. please convince me. also, i make my deviled eggs with only mayo, salt, pepper, paprika and coriander, and stone ground mustard. that beer mustard is good. skip the relish, it's all wrong. as for the eggs you have now, it's time for egg salad.

I say take the yolky stuff you have left over and the shredded whites and make devilled egg salad. I make devilled egs with hot dog relish because it's less sweet, and paprika, and I use the yellow mustard because I love it, and then it I put in a little korean chili pepper paste, because it's the right thing to do. Sometimes, though, I get egg salad cravings, and then I use green onions, mayo, grey poupon country style mustard (I have a fetish for this because the boy I lost my virginity to introduced me to it, and also pita bread) and dill. Lots and lots of dill. Sheila, I kind of always imagined you with a crew cut, because it's such a sensible and dramatic way to wear ones hair. Oh well.

feed me.

that method of cooking eggs is a time-honored technique called "coddling." I used to do that every morning at breakfast time when I had only one burner to cook with. I would boil water in a saucepan, drop an egg or two in, then remove and cover. then i'd make coffee in my double-waisted maker and lastly cook oatmeal. by the time i was finished the eggs were nicely soft-boiled. sometimes i would toast bread over the burner using a bent hanger, a trick i learned from the blues brothers.

agatha, you have to have faith, and leave the egg long enough. don't do it if you want instant hard eggs. in that case you can steam for 20 minutes. don't boil, steam. boiling is traumatic for the ova. think about it.

the eggs sticking to theshells or shells to the eggs just mean they are really fresh..which is good..right?

I don't think the sticky shells means they're fresh. Actually/I think it means they're old. But it's Easter week/so the supermarket must have received a huge shipment of fresh eggs. Yes? Part of me is pissed off becuz I tried to save a buck & bought the reg. jumbo whites/instead of the free-range browns/which I usually buy. They always behave perfectly in the kitchen. I don't really like egg salad. And a red-haired Sheila is far better than a silver-haired Sheila any day. I always said if after I die I find out that reincarnation is legit/I want to come back as a woman w/flaming red hair. Like Angie Everhart. (But not so skinny. )And green eyes. Which means I'd have to return to earth as a Whitegirl. But it mught be nice to see how the other half lives. Plus I"m abt ready to ring that silver-haired bitch's neck. Or the agency's neck. Or both their necks. The agency (Interim Personnel -- Avoid them like the plague!) dicked me over BIG time today. Jason/the rep who got me this job/called MY PARENT"S HOUSE -- not my house/which he has the # to/which he called me at all week long to finalize this thing -- & left a msg. w/my Da that I was not to go into work Mon. becuz there was some 'problem'. Of course/he did not divulge the details to my paterfamilias. (Not that Da wd've gotten the msg. right anyway. I adore him/but he's awful abt phone msgs.). But 'm sure Jason called there instead of calling here so he wdn't have to actually speak to me. He told me on Fri. that he wd be speaking to the atty. over the weekend to finalize the paperwork on her end. And I'm sure the 'problem' is that she balked at their fee. During the interview/I told her I wanted $20,800 per yr. if I took the job. A lousy $10/hr. Which she was perfectly amenable to. But she said Interim wanted to bill her $14/hr. for me/which wd add up to $6720 over the usual 90-day window that most temps work before becoming permanent at the job they're at. I told her to negotiate w/them for the rate she wanted to pay -- if she preferred to do a direct hire/most agenices wd bill her 10% of the 1st year's salary at which she agreed to hire the temp. Which wd only cost her $2080. But I guess they tried to bill her some exhorbitant rate/& she refused. So now I am once again fucking unemployed. I swear -- this is the shit that makes decent people climb into the bathtub & poke their eyes out w/an icepick. Except I don't have an icepick. I knew she wasn't going to be in the office/but I called there & left a msg. asking her to pls. call me & let me know what this mysterious 'problem' is. She's never dealt w/a temp agency before. But she needed to fill this position ASAP/& she didn't have time to do the whole newspaper ad/ gathering resumes/scheduling interviews song-&-dance. All this BULLSHIT over a lousy $10/hr. job!!!!! I made more than that on my 1st gig fresh out of college! Everyone who hangs out here @ Sorabji makes 2 or 3 times that much/I'm sure... But I really don't give a fuck what I do for a living/if I'm not making movies. I just wanna be able to have company-paid health ins./earn enuf to pay my bills & save a wee bit/work for & w/reasonably decent people who don't fuck w/me too much/& sleep well at nite becuz my job ceases to exist in my mind when I walk out that door @ 5:00. All of which this gig wd have provided. If Interim hadn't screwed me by trying to bilk this lawyer. I swear/if I had a dollar for every time this shit has happened to me over the past 18 mos./I wdn't need to fucking work! I wanna drink. But since I'm jobless once again /buying booze is out of the question... Hey Nate -- wanna stop buy & bring me a bottle of Hornitos & a few nips of Grand Marnier? I'll supply the blender & the Rita fixins. And anything else yr little heart desires...

i don't make that much. just thought i would mention that. i made the eggs the way you said, sheila. they came out excellent. happy easter.

Ummm. I make more, but 'member I'm a sekkitarry, so not too much fucking more. I made $100/day straight out of college, but no takes were taken out and there were no bennies, it was contract work for the gubmint while they had a hiring freeze. Who's gonna feed tha swine? wouldn't it be like casting pearls before him?

tap your hard boiled egg lightly against a hard surface and then gently roll under palm until the shell is throughly cracked. start peeling at the wider end of the egg, over the air pocket. that was the question, right? how to peel a hardboiled egg without fucking everything up? oh, and RC- sorry about not making it with the tequila. i was out of town this weekend and didn't get your message until now.

rc just inspired me to figure my hourly rate..before taxes and everything.. *sigh*