So, tomorrow I have to go and get back my spare keys and sundry personal belongings from someone who meant a lot to me. (ooooo past tense I must be getting over it) I need advice on the most dignified way of handling it. I assume screaming "you selfish whore" and trashing the place is a no-no. Is it the strong silent type or the smile sweetly "aren't we all grown-up about this you heartless bastard" approach? help?

the biggest conundrum in these situations is whether to dig the hole now. If you find a good place and dig the hole before you have the discussion, you'll have an easier time disposing of the body if you accidently whack your ex. this can greatly reduce your chance of getting caught. The flip side is, if you do get caught, you'll have a harder time dodging 1st degree murder. The 12 magical people will be less likely to believe that "crime of passion" story if they have any indication of premediation. ideally, now is the time to start telling people in subtle ways about how you are afraid your ex is going to kill you. hold off on your "final" discussion for a few weeks, allowing your "fear" of your ex to percolate through your circles of friends and relatives. of course, this is entirely hypothetical.

Actually, what you want to do is bring her a house cooling present. I suggest oleander, which is poisonous, but only if she's dumb enough to ingest it. But it does send a subtle message. I love you like poison, baby! Or maybe some nice foxglove or something else pretty and deadly. I only suggest oleander because it grows wild throughout many parts of the country and is mentioned in "My Old School" by Steely Dan. Belladonna, on the other hand, I associate with Stevie Nicks' solo career (ack). Be gracious, refuse to be aboveboard. The moral highground is always the best place to be, but you want to couple it with subtle childishness and vindictiveness.

I've dug the pit. There's no problem about the 1st degree murder thing over here, we only have murder and manslaughter and we don't have the death penalty - yippeee! I'm not going with the belladonna or other plant based crime due to the fact that ANYTHING connected with Stevie Nicks is a crime against humanity and I'd be up on charges in The Hague quicker than you can say Arkan. All I've got to do know is convince her to follow me to the secluded forest clearing and bob's your mother's brother. It should be pretty easy I'll just imply that there's a picnic there THE FAT WHORE! I'm calm I'm calm I'm calm

I wonder why it is that people we used to really dig become fat whores and ugly jerks the minute they decide they don't want us anymore.

Well personally, it's a bitterness thing.

I have noticed that the gals from the british isles are the fattest in all europe. american tourists are also noticeably chunky. today on kiev's crowded main square, I heard some english being spoken, and I turned to look. sure enough, it was coming from the two short pale plump girls. the average weight of patrons in the british pub on rue st. denis in paris has got to be 15 kilos more than at the other bars. I have no idea where they get their clothes from (marks and spencer?). and one night I had dinner at some touristy place in st. michel, and a huge tour group of teenage american tourists came filing through the dining room and up the stairs. those girls sure filled out their wide-legged cargo pants. last week a female ukrainian colleague was talking about how she was gaining weight, then told me, "you're pretty skinny ... for an american girl." hahahaha. so what's the correlation between speaking english and being fat? (although the australian girls I've known have been skinny. the only girl I can think of I've seen from new zealand is the xena chick -- she's very solid-looking.)

Isn't there a difference between being "solid" and being fat or overweight? Personally I think girls look waaaaaaaaaay better when they're solid.

lucy lawless is solid. the british chicks who hang out at english pubs on the continent are fat. not that fat isn't beautiful, etc., but I wonder why english speakers seem to weigh more than the slavs, romance-language speakers, dutch, scandinavians, et al.

Supposedly the Barvarians are the stoutest of all. It's definitely genetically based. Whenever I go to England I think how do they do it? Drinking like fish and smoking like smokestacks and eating cheese at every meal? Thinner than Americans by far. You probably only notice the fat English speakers because the moderately overweight (but not obese) are usually more outgoing in my experience. Plenty of emaciated American girls here in America. Their bodies are childish and un-sexy I think. I prefer the gals with the curves.

So many foreigners think American girls are all supposed to be 6 ft. tall, size 9 waifs becuz we have so many damn supermodels & actresses here. When most of what you get from American culture is magazine covers & Playboy & dubbed episodes of Baywatch/it's easy to think that's what Americans look like. But they say the avg. American woman is a size 14. I don't think that's 'fat'/as long as you're at least 5'5" tall. There are a lot of obese people here/becuz fast food is so predominant. They don't have too many McDonald's or KFC's in Scandanavia & Yugoslavia & Portugal. My personal idea of great fast food is take-out sushi. It's low-cal, it's quick & delicious. So how come there aren't sushi emporiums all over America? I Dunno. But just wait... Ten years from now/when the fast-food conglomerates have saturated all of Europe/most European women will be porkers too.

good point. it's happening to the japanese. there, mcdonald's restaurants are replacing takeout sushi, I think. haha, I think I'm helping perpetuate foreigners' stereotypes about american girls, as I'm one of very few american women living in ukraine, and I'm a little over six feet tall and wear less than a size 14. plus, they probably don't know that the woman on xena (which is broadcast here) is from new zealand, not hollywood.

I am so sick of the American body image for the female. Maybe it's b/c I live in CA, which is a great place for femenism, except for the whole anorexia thing being everywhere. What about the number of fat men. Why don't we hear about it all over entertainment tonight when DiCaprio (sp?) gains 5 pounds (and have you seen him lately? ) I personally think that skinny men are a hell of a lot more appealing than skinny women. Same with fat women vs. fat men. I'd sleep with a woman a little over my usual (slightly zaftig) taste, but I am almost never attracted to fat men.

John Travlota is positively TUBBY

YES! Even his HEAD is fat! How does that happen?

P.S. What happened when you went to pick up yr stuff? Is she now among the missing?

I got my stuff, it was ummm, tense. I went for the walk away feeling like shit, looking like a twat routine rather than the full blown murder, shallow grave, on the run type shenanigans. She's phoned me a few times (I love my answer machine) saying I should get in touch, I just can't phone her back. Mainly because I know I'm so low maintenance I'll forgive her anything. I'm debating whether or not to phone as I type.

Twat routine? Say what?

It's a british thing. You have twat unusual which is simply shock. Then there's twat unique which is falling in love, shot in the face type horror. Twat routine is just looking like an arse. Either that or I missed a comma.

Y'know that twat = pussy in America, right? But don't call her yet. You're still trying to get over it. Then again/if she begs you to come back & offers a reconciliation trip to Hawaii/you cd say yes/go away & shag her on the beach a few times/then call out another woman's name while you're in bed w/her on the last nite of yr trip. She'll gladly cut you off once the return flight lands. So you'll get a free vacation & no guilt for breaking it off.

damn. i should've thought of that three years ago...

twat = pussy over here too (what with it being OUR language and everything) didn't call, not going too. Hawaii, that would involve her DOING SOMETHING FOR ME, which is against her religion.

British is what you folks across the pond speak. English is what we Americans have done to the British language -- vs. what the Aussies have done to it. (Altho' I'm amazed that 'twat' is Britspeak. Seems too vulgar for you guys to have made it up. Not when you call asses 'bums' & hookers 'tarts' & use 'bloody' & 'bleeding' as curse words.) But 'wanker' is my favorite British word so far..

bollocks

I fought the good fight. "the cat and the rooster." boring. my boss, the bloody wanker, refused accept my translation of the title of the ukrainian children's play "kotik i piven" as "the pussy and the cock."

so how bad a word is bloody to the british? is it like "damned" or is it worse?

Bloody, it's like heck I suppose. Pretty low grade swearing. Now FELCHING that's toxic.

felching in toxic here, too. unless you use one of them cool bendy straws.

C'mon now -- the Sorabjites are the ones who proved to me that felching is nothing but an urban myth. I posted a story abt it somwhere /under Rare Weirdness I think/& was duly corrected w/a link to a site debunking the tale I'd quoted. Nobody's ever stuck a hamster up someone else's ass. So what does 'felching' mean in Britspeak?

Ahem, basically there's no polite way of putting this, but it's sucking your manonaise out of the arse you just deposited it in. As I said Toxic. And the hamster thing is true, well doormouse at least.

i'm almost afraid to ask, but... how do you know?

be sure you tape the hamster's mouth shut with duct tape and cut off it's paws.

you don't have to do that. just cut out its teeth and de-claw it.

or put it in a sock