Hey, folks. This weekend I suffered a trauma that I completely played down, but which has left me feeling really disoriented and sickened. A little background: my brother moved to Missouri a couple of weeks ago with a woman he met on IRC. In the intervening time he has become a born again christian. To each his own, and it seems as though this might be a far more productive line of self-improvement for my brother, so yeehaw. Further background: my brother writes my dad monthly, and in return receives $100/mo. towards living expenses (my brother is disabled and his disability doesn't stretch very far). Further further background: my parents divorced when I was 17, though they should have done it years before. My father is a bad man, but I've always been able to say that I have some good memories of him and he loved us to the best of his ability, which wasn't much, because as a person he was broken. So, my little brother has for years been subjected to my dad's sex stories of my mother and of his first wife and of countless other real or imagined partners. My dad is one of those sad men of a certain generation who genuinely believes in the allure and mystique of the "cocksman." My little brother has always been up front with my dad and told him to shut the hell up, but he has recognized the pathos of the situation and largely left my dad alone about this ickiness. My mom reports that she spoke with my brother on Friday, and that my brother was really upset. It seems he'd called to check in with my dad, let him know where he was and what was going on. My dad, instead of being icky in his usual fashion, told my brother he (my dad) would have taken a stab at me but he figured I'd disapprove of incest and might castrate him. My mother reports that my brother (who fears my dad, as we all do, because he beat the crap out of us and was generally crazy and kept lots of firearms in the home with which he was quite proficient) wanted to fly through the phone and choke my father to death. My little brother (who was my dad's favorite punching bag) informed my father that castration would have been wasted on a corpse and that I would have killed him (my dad). I have two older brothers. Both would be equally horrified by this story. Here's the dilemma. We've always been a family who shares the latest dad's craziness status report. This reportage, however, is very incendiary, and my dad is almost 70 and in ill health. I cannot stop my little brother from narc-ing on dad, but I feel like I shouldn't mention this to my brothers for a couple of reasons. (1) My dad is shit-house nuts. I think this story actually illustrates how crazy he's gotten, because even if he always has been genuinely this evil, he's at least had the sense in the past to filter this kind of thing in his discussions with his children. I am now, btw, really worried about my step-sister, except she's always had good resources outside of that home and frankly I don't think my dad would dare take on her mother or the church community or her mom's family. He is, frankly, more than a little afraid of black people in that mindless way of whitefolks of a certain age and my step-mom and her family and the community my step-sister interacts with are black. My step-sister is also 19 now, and going to college, and I already told her (and her mom, and her brother) years ago that if they ever needed to talk to me for any reason they should call collect and if they ever needed to get out for any reason I would get them to wherever I was and they could stay as long as they liked. Still, I want to make sure everything's cool, or have my dad killed if it's not cool, and how do you ask? (2) My dad didn't say this to ME. My brother wouldn't make anything like this up, but I don't have the context in which it was said, or the tone of my dad's voice, or anything to go by. My dad has always tried to impress with what a sexual creature he is and how the moral laws of the hoi polloi do not apply to him; I suspect he was trying to do just what he did, shock and upset my poor brother to the point of blind rage. Any suggestions? Keep in mind that I worked really hard to get to the point where I could talk with my dad, that I sign my letters to him "sincerely," that a lot of my dealing with him has to do with forgiving him for being a broken person...I just don't have the foggiest notion whether I need to confront him, whether I should call and make sure my stepsister is ok and insist on speaking with her and explain why to my step-mom if she answers or my dad if he answers, I don't know whether I should call my older brothers and tell them to call Philip and get the story from him, I don't know whether I should start seeing a therapist. Because, you know, all my life I've always been able to say "well, he's a sad sick fuck but at least he never messed with kids sexually..." You know? And now I don't have that certainty, and I'm paranoid and anxious. Argh. This SO sucks. I cannot begin to describe how this sucks.

Call your step-sister right away Margret,you don,t need a therapist,but it sure sounds like your dad does.I wouldn,t even speak to him if I were your brother.I,m sorry about this hon,it does suck.

oi vey, let me go thwart my head into the wall..... ok margret, any and all females with contact to your pop need to be made aware or at least checked on. Do not assume they will contact you. You can make a phone call, beat around the bush, see what you sense, if anything at all and speak accordingly. If you hear trouble in their voice, ASK bluntly. If not, just make sure they are ok. I understand your concerns of not wanting to rock the boat entirely on something that was never said to you directly. I don't know if you should confromt your dad about it. What good what it do? If it would set you a little more free or unload a few bricks, go ahead, but otherwise, this man is on the flipside, nothing you or anyone else say to him will have many ramifications, it's too late it seems. But most importantly, look out for the women he has contact wit, this doesn't hurt, and I am sure they may be appreciative.

Maybe you yourself may want to talk to a friendly counselor? I don't mean therapy or anything, just an informal chat. Bounce these ideas off her and see what she says. I mean, we're just a lot of schmucks on the Web.

OK, but I have a pathological hatred of mental health professionals. And my experience of people in general is that everyone knows someone who's had some sort of anxiety about this...or something similar...or bad things resonant with this nasty overtone... I will be composing a letter in my mind to my step-sister all day. I don't think I dare the phone, because I would freeze and panic. I think I will actually talk to my mom about this tonight. My mom is pretty solid and really cool, and she was raped by her uncle from the ages of 14-17 or so...and she said she was afraid to say anything for fear she would either not be believed or would be blamed. She will know what to do. And maybe I should ask my oldest brother, or his wife. I just don't want to fall into the trap of generating the kind of family hysteria my dad thrives on because it makes him feel powerful. I want to go about this in such a way as to minimize his personal power. I also want to approach my step-sister in such a way as to minimize any harm even living with him may have done. He's such an asshole. I can't believe that after all I've been through to get to the point where I can talk to and about him without screaming hate filled invenctive, after I've reached an equilibrium where I felt that though things were bad they could have been worse, he's upped the ante. Nevertheless, he never DID touch me in any untoward way. He did used to say creepy things which I have forgiven him, so maybe I will tap into THAT forgiveness to mellow this out. He used to say things, when we went out to eat alone together or something because he picked me up after softball practice, like "everyone in here thinks you're my teenaged mistress..." and I'd respond with "...ummm, dad, I imagine everyone in here thinks I'm your daughter, because I am."

so you're saying your mom was raped in her mid-teens, and then married a guy who talks about coming on to his own daughter? hmm.

Complete agreement here!I would contact your sister and her mother. Start your conversation gently, but to the point, "I hate calling you like this, but some information has come my way that has me very concerned,I don't know if this is true, but felt I needed to pass it on to you so you could be aware of a potential problem." You do not need to give your source,but as a mother, she will thank you. Please don't hesitate on this matter, but get in touch with them ASAP.If it is true, the damage he could do to her would be irreversible,a life ruined for a disgusting perverts pleasure. PLEASE act promptly.And please, if there are any grandchildren that he has access to,you MUST do everything in your power to never let them be alone with him. Good luck. But it has to be taken care of as soon as possible.

Actually, my step-mom is a great woman but very sick, and has been most of my step-sister's life. She has benign tumors on her pituitary which totally sideline her. My step-sister has had to be grown up for a long time, and I would call her before I would call Cherise with this. My dad does not have access to any grandkids. I have to nephews, but my father is not left alone with them for a second.

Well, it sounds like your family has your pops in hand, so far. I think that your idea of discretely contacting your relatives about this is actualy a very good one. Heck, Margret, you're brilliant, I think you already know what you're going to do.

You're a lot more brave than I could ever be, Margret. If I were in your place I would have nothing more to do with my "father". you should absolutly talk to your step-sister. good luck.

I'm sorry this got dropped on you, Margret. You certainly don't deserve it. I agree w/everyone else. Call yr step-sister -- TODAY. Don't beat around the bush -- get to the point/tell her what she needs to know & ask her if she's had any incidents w/yr Dad. If she has/then let her talk it thru w/you if she wants to. But pls .to advise her to get prof. help /even tho you don't have must use for therapists, etc. If yr brother wants to kick yr Dad's ass/I say let him. He's long overdue.