This isn't your usual meeting. I've been talking to this guy for about 9 months off and on. We've found that one of the thing we have in common is bondage. We are both switches, he prefers sub and so do I. We have played online, and we both want to do it in person. So yesterday, he told me he could fly to my town and stay with me for the weekend. Being that I live in campus housing, we decided that we could stay at a hotel. Ok here's the part i need advice on. Should i do it or not? For one, I have a boyfriend, but it is not going well between us, and I have considered breaking up with him. He pretty much refuses to do the bondage thing. What do you guys think?

don't do it.

Sounds pretty sketchy to me.

Sounds very sketchy to me. If you decide to ignore our advice and go through with it, make sure you alert several people in the area and tell them where you're going, so they know where they can start looking for your body when they don't hear from you.

Where to start looking for my body? That makes me feel safe... I planned on telling my roomate all that. So why does it sound sketchy?

A) A man you have never met before B) is going to come and stay with you for a while and C) inflict pain upon you while D) you are incapable of resistance. This doesn't sound sketchy?

Ok good point. I guess that was the horny part of me talking. I decided not to do it. Thanks for helping.

damn... i wish i had gotten to this thread earlier. i would have been the only one saying "do it." but i guess only you know your judgement of people. i would do it, and i have done it. but then again i think that somehow i am just lucky. some guy sent me a lot of money once, and another turned out to be someone that showed me some of the most beautiful things in life. there is the good in it as well as the risk. but as i said only my experience and from what i am told by the media, i am very lucky. i too am interested in bdsm. and i have met guys through that intrest as well. and if you are interested in this lifestyle you already know the cardinal rule. safe, sane, consentual. etc... i think the boyfriend thing would probably complicate things. assuming he would want to hang out with you ror something while this guy was in town. blah blah blah... but you decided not to, so i don't know why i am continuing.

He/she didn't decide not to, they just told us they did.

i don't see what the big deal is. It's not like she will be tied up upon getting the formal greetings out of the way. She could take an evening to just have dinner and get to know him. He is not staying with her, he will be in a hotel. People go out with virtual strangers all the time. BSDM peopl usually have parameters and safety nets established, depending on how well she knows this guy would determine how much she trusts in him. Now seeing as how he is a new guy, i would suggest taking it slow.

There have been a couple of well-publicized BDSM murders lately, resulting from Net introductions. I don't know what dinner first would prove. Rhiannon summed it up pretty well. But hey, it's not like it's got anything to do with me. I already KNOW you're all freaks.

well there is inherently a risk when you meet ANYONE over the internet. The nature of her fetish certainly doesn't lend to any amount of security, however, it could happen with someone she met at a bar as well.

AKA, please read these all the way through http://members.tripod.com/~ThroTchr/rants/newsub.html http://www.bdsm-online.com/common_sense.htm before you go any further.

markus, were you saying that aka was lying? i would say for a first weekend then- tell him to stay at the hotel and you'll stay at your own place. you could find out if he's one to cross boundaries you don't want crossed.

bring a friend with you... :)

AKA, my two cents: you say you have a boyfriend but it's not working out. Before you even think about meeting someone online, shouldn't you straighten things out first with him, either by breaking it off, or fixing it?

No, I just found it either convenient or naive that they could ask, "Why would it be sketchy?", get an obvious answer, and then say "Oh, OK, I guess I won't do this thing I've been obsessing about for months." It seems to me to be a toy not fully put away in the toychest. Not that it really affects me either way. It was a passing comment on my part, and only AKA can answer that, if they care to in the public forum.

I was making light of this when i said to bring a friend..my true advice is not to do it, cause if it really felt right, you would not be asking us.

It'd be just like having a bulldozer and crane war after years of tedious contemplation: Who would win in a fight? Oh yeah. I'm a thinker. Maybe AkA just couldn't think about the sitution and needed someone else to do it for her. Which isn't a good solution. Any drop of negative feeling should be examined as to why. Especially if you've come to a place like Sorabji for an answer, there must have been something there to hold you back. Right? But noone can really say NO. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T DO IT. That's opinion, that's basing it on personal morals. It's probly what they wouldn't do, but it doesn't fit everyone that way. Maybe you're okay with casual sex. Martha Stuart is too. But Barbara Walters probly isn't. Rather, you could just weigh out the good and bad. And I see a lot of bad. It is a little dodgy. But if you like bondage, maybe you could go to someone else. Like your boyfriend. And then dump his ass. Tie him to the bed posts or handcuff him, get him on the verge of orgasm, almost there, almost there, then leave. Kill two birds with one stone.

I don't think anyone was telling her it would be immoral. I think we were trying to tell her it would be unsafe. You should only engage in those kinds of activities with people you know for certain are trustworthy.

Oh yeah definately.

Wow...got alot more response than I thought I would. So to shed light on a few things... The reason I decided to get some outside opinions on this is that I wanted to do it, and couldn't come up with any reasons not to(besides the obvious--meeting a stranger in a private place, which I had done before so that wasn't really an issue. Like kymical, i think i have just been lucky so far) but for some reason, there was this nagging feeling that I shouldn't do it. And I thought getting other people's point of view on this might help me figure out what was holding me back. And I think it's partially because I need to get to know the guy better(we dicussed this, he agrees) and partially the bondage thing(not only am I meeting a stranger, he will be tying me up, etc.) and maybe a little of it was the boyfriend thing(who by the way has absolutely no bdsm tendencies). and lastly, part of it was because this was brought up so suddenly and I had to decide quickly. I'd rather have time to think about it. so my final decision(for now)is to not rule it out completely, but definitely get to know this guy alot better, and meet him in a non-bondage situation first. Rhiannon-I read the first link, it was helpful, but couldnt get the second one to work.

Weird, it works fine for me. Oh, well, it basically said everything the first link said. I'm glad you've decided to make a more sensible decision.

this reminds me of what I was asking about. Is sexual compatability important to what could be a long term relationship?

some folks think it IS the long term relationship.

I wouldn,t want to be in a long term relationship with someone I wasn,t sexually compatible with,sex is very important to me.