I'm tired of liveing and have nothing to live for. each day seems to drag by and nothing changes. I've tried to do new things but that only leads to trouble.

have you checked out www.mymiserablelife.com? I was feeling pretty bad the other week (tho not suicidal), and realized that I have it pretty good compared to these folks. If your life isn't as bad as these, well, then maybe all you need is a change of attitude. If your life _is_ that bad, post it there to get yourself a little fame, then ask here and elsewhere to get advice on how to deal w/ depression and your other problems.

Dear XL-You sound profoundly depressed. What is going on; or NOT going on in your life ? Do you live alone ?? How old are you ? Are you able to get to a mental health center in your area?? Most cities and towns have suicide prevention hotlines that can hook you up with the right people, and get you started on medication that can help alleviate symptoms of depression,(I mean that torturous, painful feeling) Talk to someone !! Please!!! You may feel like that now, but later you will be grateful that you got help. I KNOW how it feels-i've BEEN there. This is a disease, that is treatable, and CAN get BETTER !!! Try it !! :)

Oh bah. XL, shut up. Life sucks. So just pretend it isn't so golly-darn awful and just ignore all the garbage that ruins it all for you. Live for yourself. Of course, it WOULD be better if I practiced what I preached...I feel a lot like you do. Just a sort of "sick of it all" feeling. But when I'm on here, or I'm out riding my bike and such, I have a gollity-gee-nifters-yup time. Or something like that. Try being exceedingly silly when you're down. Or just rant on about it all. Do you create art?

Oh, and Tired, I could really give two fucks less about how badly off others are. All I know is that I'm not having a good life, and that's all that matters to me. Those starving people or those people that are drunks or drug addicts or get beaten...or whatever...well, that's their problem. Let them deal with it. That really makes me sound like an asshole. Oh well. It's what I feel. Those people don't matter to how I'm going to continue to exist.

Zeph: yah, that's what I would have thought about myself before looking at the site, too. But some depressed people will think that they're not depressed, they're looking objectively at a bad life. But when you realize that your external situation is a lot better than other peoples', you look at the inner causes of the depression. And the inner causes could just be chemical. If you're doing drugs, except for maybe pot, this might be a good time to lay off, XL. If you don't exercise, now would be a good time to start. Or you could ignore me. Doing art might help you, but then again, you might start seeing new problems, such as being bad at it, other people not caring about it, and so forth. But hey, that might just be how I look at it, give it a try and if you can put up with starting from scratch and don't care about having an audience, it could be beneficial.

I like the story at mymiserablelife.com where the guy marries the chick only to find out she's fucked everyone he knows and then she gets fat. She farts in bed and it stinks so bad he has to go sleep with the dog on the couch. poor bastard.

I'm begining to agree with XL.

XL, I almost did the deed friday night. I was wicked depressed. I felt like shit. I didn't care anymore. I turned on my radio, however, and listened to a metal show on a local college station. It fucking saved my life. Probably not a good thing, but whatever. My parents came in to speak to me while I was all giddy and happy from listening to the show, especially because stuff I really liked was being played. They made me turn off the radio. They took it away. We started arguing. I told my mom to fuck off. still more fighting. I start twicthing convulsively, uncontrollably. That went on for ~8-9 hours. My parents called my psych and got a prescription of a valium-esque drug for me to relax me. Didn't work. I got possibly an hour and a half of sleep that night. I kept on hallucinating. I had trouble using the bathroom. I lost something like 6 pounds (possibly more) from all the sweating. I had literally soaked my bedsheets and pillow with sweat. I felt insanely hot. But I was really cold. It hurt. I had to strain all my muscles to prevent myself from breaking down into full body contortions, which is what happened when I tried to relax. My head was thrashing back and forth, and i was just shaking. It was one of the most unpleasant experiences in my life. The morning after, and the following days, I was incredibly sore all over. And exceedingly tired. Even if I climbed the stairs, I would collapse with exhaustion at the top, on the floor. That afternoon, my girlfriend dumped me. I really don't remember much else happening that day. The same with sunday. I did find, however, that I lost the ability to have an orgasm on sunday. I tried for 2 hours. Nothing except having an erection for 2 hours and a big helping of confusion and frustration. It still isn't working right. Whatever. I finished Beowulf yesterday. Like, my fourth time reading the damn book. Had a meeting with my psych and the parents today. it fucking sucked ass. my mom dropped me off at the library about an hour ago, and I've just been working on finding significant quotes in beowulf, and my mom won't come pick me up until around 6 tonight. I essentially got kicked out of the house today. Humpf. Only reason the old bitch drove me over was because my bike has holes in the back tire, and I can't get to a bike shop any way except driving. And I can't drive, nor do I have access to a car. I'm fucking sick of this shit. But I'm not going to kill myself. I may want to, but I'm not. Life's kinda hard when your predominant emotion is hate. I don't feel right since friday. Like something's missing, or something. I need a break. School starts next wendsday.

damn sounds like me after that coke binge i went on sat night seriously, you seem to understand whats happening and thats half the battle.......hang in there..... so many parents these days are miserable failures......you should tell them.

For one thing why would your mom drive you to the library,but not drive you to the bike shop?Why did they take away your radio?Hon,I'm sorry about your girlfriend dumping you,but like you said,school starts next week,new girls,a whole crop of them.Nothing is worth trying to kill yourself,I tried to do that when I was younger and I,m so glad someone saved my life now.Not that my life is a party,and I am depressed too,but I take medication for it,are you on anything? I also have realized that the things that really get me freaking are things I have no control over,so I just have to let it go,it helps really.It sounds like you might have had some kinda bad reaction to the medicine your shrink gave you,making you even more anxious,but I'm no M.D. Let me know how you are:)

J, thanks for the concern. I'm ok. My girlfriend dumped me the day after, so I really didn't receive the full brunt of that until I had somewhat...healed (?) from my fridaynight/saturday morn. I'm on prozac. 40mg daily. This is so fucking stupid. I'm depressed as hell, and I really don't have it so badly off. My shrink thought that maybe it was just an anxiety attack...just like everything in my life had reached a peak and I couldnt take it anymore. Can one of you adopt me? Patrick: I'f I'm like that without drugs...well, lets just say that that's quite frightening!

Nothing is really worth making a huge mess and hurting the people around you. I thought there was something in commiting suicide too, when I first entered high school. But I realized there really wasn't any point to it. It's tempting to say you'll do it. You get attention and stuff. That's why I tried, the first time. Life sucks, it's true. But I made a conscious decision to force it suck less, and it worked. Life doesn't suck now, which is good, because I couldn't handle the problems I face now if I was like I was then. Now I can make light of the world so that I can approach serious things seriously, but not dangerously. Or something. I'm babbling, aren't I? I need to stop that.

my own personal experience is that there's nothing that can happen during your youth that you can't eventually get over. suicide is bullshit. i know that probably sounds condescending as fuck, but it's true. i've seen far too many people blow their brains out over shit that ultimately doesn't even matter...shit that, if they'd simply waited, would not matter at all. i'm thinking of this guy who gassed himself to death when we were in high school. he had scholarships to damn near everywhere & was a brilliant student. what a motherfucking waste. & the best writer i personally knew ate a bullet at 25. jesus christ. just remember that the weird shit--the parents, the sexual/relationship horseshit, the whole package--ultimately fades over time. true, it can sometime gets rebirthed as brand new horseshit, but one can cope. always & forever, one can cope. i've gotten all worked up about various people & situations that seem SO fucking stupid to me now. thank god i didn't kill myself over that pile of shit. however, i do understand the anger & bewilderment of youth. in fact, i understand it so acutely that i still feel like i'm living in the big fucking middle of it, even though i'm old enough to be a grandmother. i remember being stuck at home. to suggest that my families, both adoptive & natural, were dysfunctional is a tragic understatement. beatings & rape were just part of the scenery. so i concentrated all my effort on the glorious day when i could fucking pack my bags & leave (which i did at 16). anyhow, at 18, you're free. you don't owe any adult or legal guardian jack shit. if you DO owe anybody anything by that age, then you may have set yourself up for a fall. the goal is absolute independence. any game plan that leads to continued slavery (for instance, to the parentoids) is bogus & needs a major revision. escape is crucial. freedom is everything. remember, adults can only hold bullshit over your head for so long. then you hit 18 & become an adult yourself. so it's time for planning out the ultimate revenge...liberty. my advice to any young person is to aggressively seek out independence. not just from family, but from relationships & the whole goddamn package. as for relationships, they're usually bullshit. if you can't be content w/ extended periods of your own company, you can't be content w/ anybody else's company. nor can a person carry off a successful relationship w/o taking time to know who the hell they are. so many people want to rush into relationships before they've got a grip on a relationship w/ themselves, which is a recipe for guaranteed disaster. individuality, freedom, strength, liberty, rationalism, independence: they beat the crap out of suicide any day of the week. if you'd ever like to talk, e-mail me. i'm sometimes slow to answer my mail, but i do answer it. pilate is also very concerned about your situation, but he's unable to post right now. however, he's here & he's thinking of you. we're thinking of you. & remember, i'm an adult, & everything i've just said is establishment propaganda.

Indeed. How true. It is such bullshit most of the time. So frustrating, but such bullshit...

You really need a place to stay, i got a spare room, Zephyr...but you will have to get a job if you plan on staying! (Ic an only afford to donate so much free crash space, and some friend's experiences have taught me that offering crash space without some responsibilty in return is a recipe for disaster). Actually, from what I remember, being a teenager is a recipe for disaster. If you're on Prozac, don't take any St. John's Wort - it will screw you up. I personally prescribe heavy doses of Black Sabbath and early Rollins Band (lifetime, The end of Silence) for the girlfriend trauma. Never Say Die!

I almost told him to run away, but he never said he was abused,plus the streets are not pretty.

sem can i stay at your house? we can stay up late and make mac and cheese and i will make you laugh until you piss your pants. and i promise to geta job. just give me a chance. i am suffering here in the desert plains of Plano. (can i say that?) it isn't really a desert, not geographicly, but emotionally. you get my meaning. where do you live anyway?

Think twice about the suicide thing, my nephew killed himself earlier this year[quite upsetting for the survivors],but the point of this post is----------------------the family,on a weekly basis,packs a picinic basket,loads up the crew,and off they go to the cemetary,and lunch with our dear departed family member.IS this how you want to spend ETERNITY???????????Family and friends gnawing on chicken bones,pass the potato salad,what do you mean you didn't bring the bundt cake,are you gonna eat all your pie? Somehow,this offends my sense of humanity,I neither bake,nor accompany them on this bizaare ritual.[admittedly,I have considered making a tape,and hiding it in one of the many spanish moss covered oak trees at the cemetary,and playing it in the middle of their snack feast,"TAKE YOUR CHICKEN AND CAKES,AND CHECKERED BLANKET AWAY,AND LET ME REST IN PEACE,[but bring a cake for my birthday,althought,I won't be able to blow out the candles.And bring gifts,expensive ones,stuff I'd like,and can use where I am.Then leave,and don't come back till my next birthday,with another cake and more good gifts.]" Then I'd like to go and collect the "gifts",and see what they think might be handy items for the afterlife!Maybe recycle the "gifts" at X-mas,covertly slipping them under the X-mas trees of the givers.That should be an interesting X-mas morning.[My s/o would kill me,so I'll have to be sneaky.]Don't know if I'll ever do it,funery customs differ in different regions,and superstitions run high in this area.Maybe one day.

I would guess Zephyr that no one close to you has ever taken their own life. It sucks. It's nearly three years and it still hurts like it happened yesterday. I wanted to follow but I lacked the courage. Plus I saw the devestation written on the faces of his entire family and all of our friends. Selfish. And none of us have any idea why. I bet I'm not the only one who feels like they are slightly to blame. crap.

"it isn't really a desert, not geographicly, but emotionally. you get my meaning." That pretty much sums up where I live too. But you're welcome as well. You have to make vean mac and cheese though, cuase I don't like the normal stuff (although I am not a vegan). And suicide really sucks. I only know one person who did it, and it's such a selfish thing to do. Everyone is capapble of change and of doing good. Why remove the opportunity to do some good for the world? Don't kill yourself, go volunteer at a homeless shelter or at the Sierra club. You'll definitely start feeling valued and needed.

Sigh. I completely just lost my train of thought. I think that something was on the rails. whooooo..........sleep now damnit!

melly, you're a peach. xoxo I want to come live with Semillama and Kymical and laugh&pee too.

We can start a commune.

Actually, in all seriousness, we should.

Commune with Sem! I'm there! Can we garden in the nude? Just think Sem, you could go from being single to having a whole harem.