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and for the most part it is, however, i need some help..... she has a sense of responsibility like no other, in regards to her job. She works for a japanese company, deals with morons, is underpaid, over worked and disprespected on a daily basis. They expect the world of her, cause she has brought them the world , but refuse to give her any title higher than "asst. manager" even though she is repsonible for an entire division, a division comprised of....1 employee. The only division in the LA office not in the red. Yet she is pushed to do more. She has a company cell phone, she gets calls up to 10pm at night, at home. Playing "stick-phone", with some of the neighborhood kids has crossed my mind more than once. In general, the japanese men she deals with are whiny, childish, selfish little baby fucks, who rely on her too much and love to steal her ideas. She is waking up with her heart and arms hurting while on business trips and at home because the only thing her boss has to nag her about is her punctiuality, of which she typically sucks at, but goes beyond the call of duty with out a second guess, I see it as a trade off. She got back from Vegas last night, stressed, worn and tired. She woke this am, and decided to take the day off. Already she is getting calls on the cell phone, people buggin her. I jsut talked to her and aksed how her day off was going, she slept nearly 12 hours and was frantic on the phone with me. She even gets calls on the weekends and holidays. She is in the beginning process of starting a business, she comes from a long line of self employeed people and is tired of working with assholes and many clients have expressed interest in ditching the japanese element of her work. She is in the process of creating a business plan. Bottmoline, she is stressing beyond belief, trying to start this business up in a matter of a month or two. I tell her it's too much and it's going to land her in the hospital. I say she leaves and finds another job temporarily, get her sanity back and then spend good quality, stress free time starting the business, with a more level head. She is hell bent on doing it now. Ok, all of this has been my observation as a friend. As a husband, there are added elements I am sure you can guess. Lack of intimacy being key. Trying to talk about it only adds problems, and Im not always good about approaching it correctly, as some of you regualrs know I can shoot my mouth without a thought, and regret it later. I just don't know what to do, but it seems to be reaching critical mass. Any ideas, any anecdotal info that might aid me, or at least get this off my mind for a minute? How's the weather? Are you happy? Tell your mother i said hello! love waffles |
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I have a pretty frantic job too, but I really get my kicks out of it in a big way. I secretly adore it when the phone rings at 10.00pm with someone needing my help. It's a huge power trip - being that essential. However, it is a falsity in many ways, cause they'd survive just fine without me, if they had to. In a lot of ways my job is my life and I lose perspective on it constantly. I don't know how I'd cope with a partner. The last time I tried, about 8 months ago, he was the aggressive possessive type and saw my job as competition. It was a nightmare, sitting in the bathroom making secretive calls to work rather than upset him. It does sound like Nico is planning to get out of the situation herself, but until she does the stress is going to continue. Are you helping with the business plan? Try and get involved with her business at the ground level, so you won't be shut out like you are now. To increase the intimacy...can I suggest you offer her massages, bubble baths, champagne picnics in the sitting room...anything to destress her. And then go in for the kill once she's relaxed (just joking, but you know what I mean) Whatever you do, don't nag her. That's just going to put more pressure and guilt on her. I think she'll come to her senses by herself. You just have to give her the room to do that. In the meantime, try and be glad you have a strong woman who's out there trying to do something. She's lucky to have you. |
it's difficult to lend my own self to this business plan as I am in the midst of my own launchings so to speak. Keeping myself focused on my photography and learning to deal with my underqualified, overincompetent bumbling boob of a boss is challeging enough. Mentally i don't have the capacity to offer her much assistance while she works on this business plan, i am there for a second opinion when she needs it. When things are running, perhaps i can even look forward to let go of my day job. It's not that I'm shut out now, it's her job. If anything i'm a base of reality to help keep her grounded. Today I went home for lunch, she was stressing about the calls that came in on her phone, i begged her to turn the god damn thing off, and tossed her the car keys, told her to take me to the metro to get the fuck out of the house. In reality, those intimate suggestions are good sounding, but you know, my morale is low. I have my own stresses you know, I need my own bubble baths. It's a two way street and I've been driving solo for awhile already, so it's difficult. But lets not focus on that aspect. The two of you have said somethings i needed to hear already so thank you. |
Patrick, how about you get Nico all relaxed with a bottle of wine tonight, take her hand and tell her that you're missing her (try not to make it a guilt thing), you admire her for what she's trying to do but you're starting to feel a bit neglected and you're worried about her as well. Then tell her you want to have a holiday this weekend...lock the apartment door, and do nothing but wallow in each other. No interaction from the outside apart from foraging runs to get food, porn flicks, lingerie, whatever. Just time for you both to unwind and kinda rediscover what's important...each other. Call it the "Fuck you World, I'm getting off" weekend. And you must include at least one candlelit bubblebath complete with strawberries and champagne (or alcohol of your choice). |
I'm glad to hear Nico is planning to strike out on her own. I never quite knew what it was she does -- something in fashion or textiles...yes? But I know they've been dogging her out for a while now. So it's good she's itching to get out on her own. But how supportive of her are you willing & able to be right now/if she quits her job & strikes out on her own? Can you 2 swing yr expenses on just yr income? Are you willing to deal w/having her around a lot more than you're used to/& having her (possibly) need your help & input - vs. just needing someone to blow off steam with -- re: her new biz? Burning the candle @ both ends will kill her. She really can't try to get her own thing off the ground while putting in 12 hr.days & traveling all over the world for the Japs. I suggest you suggest to Nico that she steal all the office supplies/client contact info/software/etc. she can from the office/then give them her 2 wks. notice. They will no doubt counter w/an offer of #1. a promo w/a better title & more $$ #2. more ##/which won't fix the problem, but more is always good. Either way/it gives Nico the chance to go toe-to-toe w/her bosses. If being promoted to Mgr. along w/getting an assistant & a bigger paycheck wd make her worklife more bearable/then I say she shd take them up on their counter-offer. Then she can bank all the extra $$ she's bringing home w/her raise & use the additional time she'll have (becuz her asst.will be pulling some of the weight) to work on her start-up. Then in 6 mos. she can then quit w/a nice cash cushion that you 2 prolly wdn't have had otherwise. And then the can plunge full steam ahead into her own venture. But next to having kids/or losing a parent or spouse/starting a new business is one of the most stressful experiences you can go thru in life. You're the most uxorious husband I know/but be sure you're prepared go the extra mile to be supportive. |
Having been out on my own during the wonderful decade of the 80's ... was the hardest job I ever had. Working for oneself means working working working....unless one is willing to set rather firm bounds. Both of you might end up working more hours, seeing each other less, and making less, and giving more to the government...simply by attempting the american dream of sole proprietorship. At the height of the foolishness, I had fourteen employees, an 8000 sf operation and mail order business, some incredible tax liabilities that offset the desireable tax-reducing opportunities, and the sad reality of seeing my boys grow up in an atmosphere where work was not separated from home, despited two houses both with tennis courts seldom used...foolishness. Find out what spiritual need or want owning and running your business will provide and the material will fall into place. Everytime one puts the material first, failure is inevitable. Examine the risks - esp as noted above: can you guys make it on "one" let alone "no" income? if both of you start a business at once. If you have five years living expenses put aside, go for it. If not, wait. Otherwise the undercapitalization -- not so much of the business but of your LIFE -- will tear you both apart. Aw hell, I broke one of my rules: giving senseless opinions, what passes for advice. But I wouldn't want to see you Patrick and the Mrs. ice pik each other... |
Why did the pervert cross the road? Cause his dick was stuck in the chicken. </end moonits comedy injection> |
Then you'll have something for the mantle. Seriously, it sounds like she's very employable. Why not find a job with similar pay htat will treat her much better? A good headhunter would have her in a much better situaion in no time, I would think. And for you, if she's really this stressed out and working so much, you need to make sure you take care of the little, common stressful things, such as the household odds and ends. And for pete's sake, take Cat's advice and remind yourselves why you are married in the first place! |
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sheila, is that you? sheila, what are you doing? |
thanks for the help people......(and kind words) |
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Somebody's been watching too much Crocodile Dundee me thinks. |
puny link. |
everyone else gets to rock around here, I thought it only fair you had your chance too. |
I'm sorry to hear your honee pot is so strung out. I know no one who runs their own business who is not strung out though and I'm sure (a bit like myself) she has a love hate thing with being a workaholic. She does need to learn how to set boundaries though. RC has the fine advice as often she does. I do think you should try to see if you can just set up a day where there are no cell phones etc. It will be hard for the Mrs. to do since she is under stress but you know, people need that kind of time off from their life, even when they feel they should be working as hard as they can. You can only run at a wall so long and (for me at least) after a while you get to a maximum saturation point where you aren't producing, you're just being stressed. Boundary setting is hard though, I think you have to come to it by really waking up one day and saying 'hey, this stress is dominating my life, fuck this'. I too would support the, 'I know you're stressed but I think we need some time together and you need some downtime because it would help both our mental health.' Easier said than done. Keep us up to date and yes, be happy you have such a friggin' kick ass wife! |
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