| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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*joke 1* Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Bob says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand." Cilla is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once its all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Bob, tell me, does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Bob replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my wallet." *joke 2* A man goes into the doctor's walking bow-legged. "What happened to you? You look like you've been riding a horse for 4 days." inquires the doctor. "You have to help me," the man replies,"I had a sports accident and ended up with a cricket ball stuck up my arse." "How's that?" asks the doc. "Oh, don't you start," moans the man |
As for Cilla... |
When the bowler thinks he has got someone out or when a fielder catches the ball straight off the bat, he turns to the umpire and yells out "How's that!", encouraging a favourable call. |
except for Brockian Ultra-Cricket: The following are the official rules of Brockian Ultra-Cricket From Life, the Universe, and Everything by Douglas Adams (Adams had expressed the dismal view that cricket has become yet another example of the British tendency towards masochism.) Rule 1: Grow at least three extra legs. You won't need them, but it keeps the crowd amused. Rule 2: Find one good Brockian Ultra-Cricket player. Clone him off a few times. This saves an enormous amount of team selection and training. Rule 3: Put your team and the opposing team in a large field and build a high wall around them. The reason for this is that, though the game is a major spectator sport, the frustration experienced by the audience at not actually being able to see what's going on leads them to imagine that it's a lot more exciting than it really is.A crowd that has just watched a rather hum-drum game experiences far less life-affirmation than a crowd that believes it's just missed the most dramatic event in sporting history. Rule 4: Throw lots of assorted items of sprting equipment over the wall for the players. Anything will do - cricket bats, basecube bats,tennis guns, skis, anything you can get a good swing with. Rule 5:The players should now lay about themselves for all they are worth with whatever they find to hand. Whenever a player scores a 'hit' on another player, he should immediately run away and apologize from a safe distance. Apologies should be concise, sincere and, for maximum points, delivered through a megaphone. Rule 6:The winning team shall be the first team that wins. |
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If i took a picture for you it would cheapen it all somehow. |
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