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He checked in with me a few minutes ago, and I smiled and was happy to see him, but when he said he couldn't go to Howard U. for a meeting because he "was in no state to do that," I didn't say anything sympathetic or "I can imagine...how are you doing?" No, instead I told him that a problem we had in his absence got worse, and he heaved a sigh and went back into his office, and I could have bit my tongue in two. Why did I say that? So now I don't know what to do. The poor man has already got three tons of work on his shoulders, and now he has this grief weighing on him, not to mention his wife's grief (it was her brother), and it kills me to see that kind of suffering, and I'd like to do anything I could to alleviate it even a little. So what should I do? |
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Talking/acknowledging,the loss helps.It helps validate the exsistence of the dead person.Don't harp on it,but acknowledge the loss.I usually say something to the effect of: "I know you are going thru a very hard time right now,and I just wanted you to know how sorry I am that this has happened.But the thing to center on right now,is how fortunate you were,to have had this person in your life.Remember the good times,and how much joy he brought to your lives.He will always be with you in your heart,[I usually touch my heart at this point,to emphasize this thought],and no one can take that away from you,he'll always be there." Then,even though,I personally don't believe in the existence of God,[I realize that most people do,though],I say something to the effect of: "We don't always understand how God works,or why he would take [insert name here],but we know that so and so,is happy,and at peace,and has no more worries.He is safe where he is.He's the lucky one.Its us that are left behind,that still have to suffer.So try not to grieve,but rejoice in how fortunate you were,to have had that person in your life.You know he would not want you to be unhappy,so remember,he'll always be right here[indicate heart area],and will bring a smile to your lips,every time you think of him." As most people believe in God,this seems to offer comfort to the grieving. |
i dunno how close this guy was to his brother in law. I know, if my brother in law died, id be most upset for my wife. im not terribly close to him, so I wouldnt offer such a speech. as it really tends to sound like a load of crap. I know you mean well, but Id rather something simple. When my father died...being the first and only close death, I most appreciated those who let me know "i was in their thoughts" and if there was anything they could do, I was to let them know. I believed them when they said this, and did indeed call on a few to rely on. the coffee idea also sounds like a nice idea. but its going on lunchtime there, so maybe wait till the later afternoon. Simplicity and sincerity spidey. You can't do anything about his workload..just let him know he and his family are in your thoughts and if there is anything you can do, work related or not, to let you know. |
I'm hoping I'll run into him on the way out tonight...I can ask him how he's doing then. If I miss him, I can easily ask the same questions tomorrow or next week. I was worried that I should go up to him and apologize for my earlier insensitivity, but that's a bit much, I think. I was really upset at myself, though. It was kind of scary. Anyway, I went to Mass across the street at noon and offered it up for him, his wife, his brother-in-law, and his b-i-l's family (I think he has grown children). I also prayed that I would handle things in the way the God wants me to, and then I felt better. I had thought of asking him to lunch, but I then I thought that would be kind of awkward, so I'm going to let things happen as they may. One thing I have done, though, is take care of as much work as I can without getting him involved. I don't want to give him any more work to do than he already has. |
Unfortunately,in my line of work,I have to comfort grieving loved ones all to often.These words help.It helps the ones left behind,to think of their dear departed one,as being happy and at peace.Death is a very hard thing to deal with. |
jules mum is in the hospital at the moment - in intensive care, and they dont know whats wrong. tomorrow i am baking and giving it to her dad, cause the man cant cook and the weight is falling off him. |
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I feel so much better now. |