| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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about a situation I was in with a girl colleague awhile ago. It was something I always wanted to talk about with people I did not know but could not until I discovered this great site. I seek any opinions, perspectives, experiences from others they'd like to share. I am an "average looking" male (straight) who has poor self-esteem as a sexual person-I do not believe women find me attractive, or if they do I could not believe it could be that sexual. I am slightly overweight and am losing my hair but I just don't care to do anything about it.(so I'm not a "10" nor am I tall dark and handsome, etc-just an average guy). Unlike other men at the job I do not harass sexually girls at the job and am very quiet and keep to myself, etc, you may know my type. I have a job, a decent one with good bennies and live on my own and support myself. I have my own office, title, etc. Awhile ago there was a girl at the job who I considered "cute"(lived with her folks) and for awhile there I thought she was friendly and sweet (but maybe a bit too sickly sweet, if you know what I mean) etc.Months later at work we had a Christmas grab bag and I found out through a co-worker who was later my worst, most viscious enemy that this girl had a really bad crush on me (or so he said) and according to my enemy "she melts when she is alone in the room with him".(he jokingly said to me "it was a pleasure banging her"). I was flattered and started to get interested in her. She had somehow "fixed" the grab bag with someone so that she got me as her gift recipient.(normally workers just pick names out of a hat). She bought me a cute shirt from JC Penney and I thanked her for it. My first conversation with her I recall was about the field we were working in ie.- how long it took to get the degree, etc.how she wants to get the degree too.. I noticed she was looking at me in a very controlling, disdainful kind of way, and all of a sudden she was "asking" me if I should be standing up instead of sitting and then would tell me to "sit down, you're making me nervous". I wasn't offended at this but just thought she was probably just a rather nervous type of person or something. The next conversation she was in an even worse way than the one before. We spoke about the field again and out of nowhere she said "not for nothing, but this is not the type of job anyone would want to spend a career doing". I was really offended at that remark but didn't say how I felt. Instead I explained to her that still one has to pay the bills and eat and I asked her what kind of job would be one to spend a career in. She then started complaining about how there's no professional supervision of staff, etc... and sat there with her arms folded. I explained to her that there didn't have to be professional supervision because we weren't mandated to do so and it wasn't cost-effective or something. She would not respond to that. I instantly lost interest in her with those remarks because I felt that was a way of her saying "you don't make and will never make enough money to support me or a family"., etc-get what I'm saying? I chalked this girl up to just digging for gold. Then it became a nightmare to work with her--angry hostile looks, mutterings under her breath ("after all I've done for you and all you do is ignore me...), threatening to get me "in trouble" with the higher-ups for "not doing" things (in other words I'm incompetent and not worthy of the degree I earned). Other times she would dress provocatively and act sexual and sweet but it was so fake. As time went on she would demand that I make conversation with her in the mornings saying that it was "rude" not to. I would overhear her telling other workers that I have done "the same thing (job) over and over again for years" (in other words I never got the "big promotion"). I was being accused of being a "snot", ignoring our clients concerns and needs as well as hers.Then I started inquiring into her personal life through other workers to see why she was being so difficult.. Someone on the job ( a good friend and ally) told me that she was dating someone who intentionally planned to end the relationship with her, but not before he got his way with her, if you know what I mean.("he dragged her ass through the grass"-words of a co-worker). So she was badly hurt. Then I also was tipped off that several of the other male workers on the job were verbally and physically and sexually innappropriate to her.(including my "enemy" mentioned earlier).It was not uncommon for her to come to the job some days with hickies on her. This girl was actually pretty smart, but I personally couldn't stand her and could not respect her, especially after finding out the way she let guys treat her. Some workers told me I was too sensitive toward her, that she was just a "go getter" type but otherwise a nice girl, others told me she was a phony who deserved to be hurt. Once she left $35 out on her desk and someone stole it.Once a client stole her mother's tupperware and she had a fit. I'm almost certain it was a bunch of people who she was driving crazy with her irrational demands. Once her new car was stolen and she accused her neighbor of not "looking out" for her (how could they have known?). What do people make of this? Is this common ? Do you think my "enemy" really meant what he said about her liking me or was it just malice on his part? Was it just a ploy to just get me talking to her and do you think he told her to be difficult with me as part of a sadistic plot or something? Let me know what you all think. I'm waiting!!! |
she sounds freaky but of course it's only your side of the story maybe you don't realize that she was trying hard to get you to like her and then she felt rejected and started trying to hurt you [possibly because of the immaturity and very low self esteem she seems to show] or maybe she's just crazy i'd say it was a good thing it didn't work out, though you sort of sound like you think you missed something and you'd like to try again. i wouldn't. i'd be polite, stay away from her, and don't give anyone a reason to fire you. unless you want that to happen. maybe you needed an event to shake your life up [perhaps you should push it further] oh, and if you assume women won't find you attractive they probably won't, and vice-versa. |
attractive and you will be. You should see some of the crazy looking freaks around here who are gettin' some, so to speak. I would also think about finding a different place of employment, it sounds like you work in a very negative environment. As far as your looks go, well, just the slightest bit of care and average looks turn into cute. If you are balding, try a really short hair cut or even going all the way and shaving your head. and then, forget this girl. and go to nerve.com and put up a personal and go for it. It worked for me. |
There is always someone who will find who you are attractive, whether you do or not. If you just be confident in yourself and your abilities, someone will fall for you. Don't psych yourself out. There are lots of women out there looking for an average joe with a college degree and a job and is self supporting. It's the whole package that is truly sexy and not just the hairline. |
How others think of your appearance relies heavily on the way you carry and present yourself. Just out of curiosity...do you have a pic you could send me?? |
been a surprise. I never expect it. I definitely didn't think Elizabeth was attracted to me. At least, at first. Good thing I figured it out! |
computer. I've been told that I look like George from Seinfeld (I dislike that and I actually would rather be told that I look like Woody Allen than George--I don't think I look like either). Here's what's weird. I work with psychiatric patients who say they think I look like Elton John and Paul Anka.(ok.) When I started my job years ago a patient told me I looked like Phil Collins(better). Steven Segal is my idol. |
And, don't idolize Segal. He amy be skilled in Aikido, but he magically bounced from 2nd dan to 5th dan after marrying his shihan's daughter. |
What a ridiculous story. |
LS |
though he does sound neurotic, but i didn't want to say that |
Now I'm confused. |
he can still kick vandamme's ass. |
know CZ or anyone else on this board. I doubt we know each other. I'm in New York City. Where is CZ and everyone else from? I was seriously asking for advice about that situation and I was pleased with many of the responses, except for being labelled as neurotic and a jerk and seeing my story as ridiculous. It's 100% true. While my concerns about a "sadistic plot" may sound ridiculous, there are some mean-spirited people in the world who do mean things to each other. I honestly thought that "enemy" of mine was telling me the girl liked me as a way to get me to talk to her, then had her deliberately be "difficult" with me so it would create tension and conflict. Perhaps he hoped I would raise my voice to her out of anger or say something innapropriate to her so that they could get me in trouble or perhaps even fired. Perhaps they wanted my job. Or perhaps he already slept with her or maybe was waiting for me to make a move on her so he could then move in on her. Or maybe he was waiting for me to ask her out or something so then they could fabricate a harassment suit against me. I'm sure you now will think after reading this post that I am even worse than neurotic now! Antigone-I got your message about my other post about the guy who took my project I was working on. There was no relation to the guy in that post. The guy in the other post and my "enemy" in this one are 2 different people. Both are scumbags and intimidators but the "enemy" is more overt about it. The other guy is more devious. I hate them both. I was not given a promotion--I was paid money as "hush money" to silence me about the other guy stealing my project. I retaliated against him when I found out he was engaging in fraud on the job and went behind his back and got him fired as well as his own immediate supervisor who let him get away with the fraud. I don't like being bullied or intimidated by co-workers and when it happens I get even. That's all I'm saying. |
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When asked,"Is it me,or the rest of the world?",well,chances are it isn't the rest of the world gone awry. |
Here's an idea, if she acts bitchy towards you, move on. Let it go. Get on with life. Besides, who works in an office and doesn't have an "enemy"? |
I work with this bitch in the office. I work with this right jerk. Enemy, god how old are you? |
RI, I'd suggest finding another job. What a sick bunch of individuals you work with. |
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serious (I'm not being sarcastic here). Seems like everyone is thinking I'm crazy. To be fair to some of them, some are correct about letting thisstuff get to me. |
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Is it possible that when this woman came to you about employee supervision, she was seeking help about other employees sexually harrassing her, when you gave the lame-brained response, she lost all faith in you as a colleague? |
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"She then started complaining about how there's no professional supervision of staff, etc... and sat there with her arms folded. I explained to her that there didn't have to be professional supervision because we weren't mandated to do so and it wasn't cost-effective or something." im not avoiding the obvious...that this women is a snippy little tart, but maybe there is more here than meets the eye. |
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(I'm asking these questions seriously, not in a "WTF??" kind of way. The story was confusing to me, so I may not have gotten what you're getting.) |
If thats the case, shame on her for being cryptic, but the possibilty remains. It seemed to be a turning point in her behavior towards him. this statement the poster makes bothers me too: "but I personally couldn't stand her and could not respect her, especially after finding out the way she let guys treat her." like she is responsible for others' behavior? Coming to work with hickies, and shot skirts are not invites for harrassment from other workers. hell id be an annoyed employee if money and tupperware was being snagged from my desk too and there seemed to be little supervision or repercussions for those commiting these 'office crimes'. |
way she let guys treat her." Hey, when I read that, I thought "'she let guys treat her'? What about the way she treats guys?" She seems evil. I say run away. |
she talks to guys. That comment she made to me ("not for nothing but this isn't the kind of place anyone would want to spend a career in") really pissed me off. How else does one pay the bills and put food on their table? I've had the same thing said to me by other people in respectful, non-emotional overtones(ie-"look, it's not the best job and it's not the worst"). I took her comment to me to mean "you cannot and never will be able to support a family". And yet she continued to want my attention. Why not get it from those who make the "big bucks" at my place? Maybe because I said I had a title and my own office people here on the board assumed I had more responsibility than I really did. If she had any problems with being harassed the procedure would be to report it to other staff. I am not an "official" supervisor of other staff but only of a small operation. I never was and do not pretend to be otherwise. That's the problem she had with me. She needed me to have the "big" position that I did not have and the position of authority that I did not have. And when it occured to her that me and my job had their limitations(doesn't pay so great, not that much authority, etc) she freaked out and made that comment to me. Because I couldn't be the person she wanted me to be-dynamic, loud, aggressive, outgoing, a ham , etc.. So my position was, if she wants all that, go find it elsewhere in other workers. |
i guess there are a number of nuerotic guys in nyc. many of which i have dated. |
mean "you cannot and never will be able to support a family". And yet she continued to want my attention." Maybe it is because that is not in any way what she meant by it, but that she was frustrated with her job and this company and was interested in you. I do question how much she was actually interested, though if she was short even on the first conversation. You may be jumping to some wrong conclusions here. Reading something into the conversation that just wasn't there other than in your own mind. |
LS |
lonestranger. You were honest and told it like it may be. For awhile I felt my weekend posters thought I was disturbed and I started to feel really embarassed. However, a number of them were right,that may be I am reading too much in to it. I do have issues with being myself. I am not a risk taker nor aggressive. And I suppose I believe that is what women want in a man. What really hurts me is that several people younger than myself have been promoted in a matter of say maybe 1-5 years and now probably make more $$ than I could ever make in my 11 years at this job. And every one of them has the qualities of "deviousness", promiscousness or aggressiveness going for them. It gets to the point where I have a total inferiority complex and no longer go to office parties or fundraisers becaue I feel like such garbage. The guy who stole my project in my other posting (he was fired for fraud) got my project because the boss told me point blank--that he is more aggressive than me and that's why he got it. Okay, so wimps aren't respected and rulebreakers are. So don't I have every reason to believe that in a marriage I won't be respected either because I'm not aggressive? Don't ladies want a man who can provide and put more than enough food on the table? How do they do that? By being aggressive?? What exactly is being a man about about in Y2K decade? |
Not all women want risk-takers. Not all women want aggressive men. If I remember correctly... "Sweet dreams are made of this Who am I to disagree? I travel the world And the seven seas-- Everybody's looking for something. Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused." --Sweet Dreams, Eurythmics LS |
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I'm not a crazy person! Lone Stranger, Eri, Bell Jar and Spider see the situation. Lone Stranger, was that tune from '83, singer Annie Lennox? Are the Eurythmics still around today? |
You don't have to make mega bucks to support a family. You just have to re-prioritize things. When Spunky and I first met and when we married we were both working. You spend what you make. I had to quit working when I was 5 months pregnant with our youngest daughter for health reasons. It was hard at first, but we are doing just fine now. And I am a rare woman that I actually choose to stay home. Most women I know tell me that I am a failure to "women's lib" and all that was worked for by staying home and raising the kids and cooking and cleaning. There are many women who love their careers as well. Who don't care about you not making tons of money, because they make their own. I think you are trying too hard, when you think about these things, and see things that aren't there. You're over-analyzing things. Relax some. Loosen up and don't dwell on things so much. You're making things harder than they are or than they have to be and that is why you come off as neurotic. |
I don't want that for my kids. |
but, i'm glad you felt that i understood you. |
when life passes you by. You don't have to be an obnoxious shithead to be aggressive. The word is not completely negative in connotation (sp?). Maybe if you have a problem with using the word aggresive in refernece to your self, then use "assertive" instead. Take from me. I supervise people and the ones I want to keep around and treat right are the ones whom you might define as "aggressive" ( I wouldn't) - they are the ones who take the initiative and get stuff done. We have one guy who is not aggressive as far as work goes, and we really are just waiting for him to leave. |
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now i'm going to be mean. or am i? is it necessary? no. well maybe yes. what you sound like, is a whiney loser. not that you are one, or act like one all the time- but you project it very well. people aren't always being 'aggressive' it's called passion. if nothing you connect to in your life evokes passion than you should re-think things. i don't see how anyone can be so resigned to such overall mediocrity your attitude seems to be- 'i'm not particularly happy about anything i do, but i just don't care to do anything about it' there must be something you love and maybe it's the crazy people talking to you like you're sane. me for instance. for the record, i'm regretting this already. |
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Some quotes came to mind when i read the news: "I do mind, uhh the Dude minds, this will not stand you know, this aggression will not stand man!" -Jeff 'the Dude' Lebowksi "Let me tell you something pendejo, you pull any your crazy shit with us, you flash your piece out on the lanes, I take it away from you and stick up your ass and pull de fuckin trigger til it goes click" -Jesus Quintana "Dude, don’t walk away man, this affects all of us man, your basic freedoms!! Im stayin. Finish my coffee.....enjoying my coffee." -Walter Sobchak "Duuuuuude...uhhh Duuuuuuude...fucking Germans, nothing changes. Fucking Nazis" -Walter Sobchak "It don't matter to Jesus. But you not foolin me man. You might fool de fox in de league office but you don't fool Jesus" -Jesus Quintana "3000 years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Colfax...YOU"RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IM LIVING IN THE PAST!" -Walter Sobchak |
when it comes to work projects and as far as I know no one is waiting for me to leave the job. But a people pusher I ain't. When others talk of how I sound like I accept only mediocrity, it sounds so contemptous. As if people who have better jobs are worthy of more respect. |
who stalked you. I'm not into that. Semillama-Are you saying that because I wasn't given a big promo (was given one years ago but wasn't "big") my employer would prefer I leave? (I realize this can be harsh sounding on the face of it bit I am asking a genuine question here). Is anyone who stays in the same job resigned to mediocrity? |
being that assertive is everyone saying I'm not going to be able to keep any job for any appreciable length of time? If I'm so non-assertive why has my employer kept me on all these years when countless others were fired? |
I am not looking down on you in any way. I just don't understand why you aren't doing things to better yourself as a person. If you are trying to be the best person you can be then the job is unimportant, because it is the person that counts. |
man, that's my favorite dear rl, i was not speaking only of your job, no siree. buck up. why not make your life into one that you're excited to be living? |
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"She would not respond to that. I instantly lost interest in her with those remarks because I felt that was a way of her saying "you don't make and will never make enough money to support me or a family"., etc-get what I'm saying? I chalked this girl up to just digging for gold." The girl may be evil. We don't know. You can't change that, anyway. But look at this statement that you made. She complained about the job not being one she thought anyone would want to make a career out of. You took this to mean you would make a bad husband. Whoa. You shouldn't have taken that so personally. At this point in the story, she hadn't done anything weaselly, so for all you (and we) know, she could have been complaining about her own situation. Like, *she* wouldn't want this to be *her* career. Nothing to do with you. And certainly nothing to do with your abilities as a provider. Let me confess something. Once, I was speaking with my boss about the town we work in. (We were talking about the different personalities of the towns in our area.) I said I would never live here, even if I could afford it, because whenever I've been here on a weekend night, the place is full of middle-aged businessmen who seem to be trying to recapture their youth. I said this with a sneer. Then I realized I was talking to a middle-aged businessman who is sensitive about his age. Eep. I hadn't thought of holding my tongue because I don't think of him as a member of that category. And I told him that and made a joke. He said he was not offended. (Hopefully, he was telling the truth.) Now we joke with each other about our ages all the time. The point is, people can be insensitive without intending to. I think by taking this girl's remark (and other subsequent comments and actions) personally, as personal insults, you made things worse than they had to be. Also, I'm appalled that your coworker joked to you about "banging" her. Jeez, I'd say she had a right to complain about working in a hostile environment when that kind of thing is said, even behind her back. How crass. |
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I don't think they're around anymore. At least not in an album creation mode. Probably just touring or something. Anywho. Fight for what you want, and piss on the little people. Then when you get what you want, pull up as many little people as possible. LS |
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Someone bitching about not wanting to make a career out of their current job has nothing to do with whether or not someone else would be a good provider. When you do nothing but complain you do look like a whiney ass. There has got to be something you can do to be happy, there is always something. Stop bitching about it and do something aboout it. I had a co-worker spreading rumors that he had been sleeping with me (after I dumped him because he treated my daughter like the plague). Most people knew we had been dating and they knew it wouldn't work, so they weren't suprised when I ended things. Most people didn't believe that we slept together and thought he was talking out of his ass because he was mad that I dumped him. If people actually had believed him, I think I would have reacted differently, rather than just laughing it off. (I am 5'2" and 100 lbs, he was 6'7" and 360 lbs, so the thought of us having sex was a hillarious mental picture). If people seriously believed it, whether I did it or not, I think I wouldn't have reacted well. What is done outside of the office is just that, outside of the office. |
In Sonoma County? LS |
usual. |
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her" like you mentioned above, has also harassed several other people at the job in the past. What was his "punishment"? He is now running his own division of the company, married (wife is 15 years older than him), new baby, house, etc. Once he told someone that he admits his only goal is to get to the top and that he admits he doesn't care who he hurts to get there. Apparently this was 100% true. Can you believe this? How many ladies out there interested in this man? |
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"On today's show, we're going to make doilies from scratch, paint the kitchen a beautiful shade of fuschia, and then I'm going to reveal my large hooters. They're good things." |
LS |
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Hasn't anyone ever told you to piss up a rope? LS |
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LS |
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LS |
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but i know magic when i see it. |
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That's an image. LS |
One time,when I was about 10,she tied my hands behind me,tied my feet together with a belt,tied a gag around my mouth,and shoved me out the door,at about 8:00pm.I tried to hop over to the neighbors for help,but in Phoenix,we have to irrigate our yards,and there are little levy's,so your irrigation water doesn't spill into your neighbors yard,and I was trying to hop for help,and I fell,right on the little levy hump,and it knocked the wind out of me,and I couldn't breath,and it was especially difficult,beings as I had a FUCKING gag in my mouth. I've ALWAYS hated my bitch sister. But silk has always been one of my favorite fabrics. |