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my brother is 21 and is my mom's dear sweet little boy who does no wrong tells no lies and of course i am the little bitch child who somehow managed to crawl out of her womb to plague her life with misery. well thats how i feel anyways. i have high anxiety and have taken meds for it but i still want to die. i mean i would never do anything stupid, i dont think. its just when she yells at me and tells me that i cause all the problems in our family and that i think i am better then everyone else (and i dont think that if anything i think i am a little pile of poo poo on the side of the road that most people dont even notice) i feel terrible. i cant have a conversation with her without her telling me that i am arguing with her and if i say i'm not trying to argue with her she says see your doing to now. i am going nuts i need help. my brother walks all over me because he knows he will get away with whatever he does to me. seriously he takes me stuff and if i say anything to him about it (no matter how nice i say it) he calls me a bitch and i get in trouble for acusing him when he has never lied to me or any other bull crap reason my mom comes up with. my dad is passive in all this he would rather we all leave him alone. he is a nice guy and i mean i love my parents and i think i try to please them soo much and it kills me that they think i am such a failure. i mean damn i got a full ride to a 4 year university that gives me money every month during the academic year to live on, i work my ass off to keep a decent gpa (3.1), i try to take my dad lunch when i can when he is at work, i try and do nice things with my mom but somehow i always say the wronge thing (most of the time i dont even know i've said the wrong thing it). i dont know if anyone cares or if anyone will even read this. but i seriously wish god would have made me someone else. i am so depressed i wonder if you can die from sadness. (by the way i was raped last year and my oldest brother was killed the day before christmas this year) life sucks, tell me what to do. |
You need to see a therapist. Can you see one at home, or would you have to wait until school to start? It sounds like your family, especially your mom, hasn't fully dealt with your brother's death. Has it always been like this, before your brother died? Do you belong to a church or temple? Can you talk to your pastor or rabbi about any of this? Can you find a support group of some kind in your town? A bereavement group or something? Start an exercise program of some kind. Yoga, maybe? Something to work out all the anxiety and anger. When I wasn't getting along with my mom, I just spent a lot of time in my room reading, listening to music, and writing in my journal. Do you have any friends there? Extended family? Can you get a job of some kind that will keep you out of the house and away from everyone? Where do you live? Are there any free or inexpensive summer concerts or community things you can do on the weekends, just to get away from them? Can you get a job or internship of some kind? I'd say, stop trying to be nice and just start doing things for yourself. Get some help. Get a life (not in the mean way, I mean, make a life for yourself outside of your family). |
Does your family know you were raped? How have you delt with it? Has the rapist been charged/tried/convicted? You REALLY need to get therapy for that. Hang in there. Anyone as articulate as you deserves to be happy. kazu's advice is very good. Follow it. (But she didn't explain the name thing. There's another "sarah" who posts here...) |
Trying so hard to please your mother sounds like it's not worth the trouble. |
most importantly, start doing for yourself. you have a whole life ahead of you and i see no reason to continue to subject yourself to that kind of shit anymore. Also, in my experience and observation, with some families, its seems when their kids get to this age...18-24, sometimes there seems to be all kinds of friction stemming from the parental inability to recognize the young adult spawn is now a...wel....a grown adult, responsible for their own actions, successes and failures. I went through this with my mo, when i was your age until just after i got married. nothing i did was right until i repeatedly and indirectly proved to her i didnt need her in that way anymore thus she had no right to bark at me and direct me as if i was still the iconoclastic 16 year old. Sh emust haev realized that she could continue treat me that way and permanently damage the relationship or she could chill the fuck out and try and be supportive or at least non-partisian in the decisions i made. Time away and space should be a priority for you. Therapy for yourself should be the next step. It seems, at times, these years are so much more important becasue you are really finding your place in the world and sometimes parents really need to check themselves and how they talk to their young adult spawn. Considering you live at home its all to easy for your mom to deal with you as if you are still a child. if you want to use the handle 'Sarah', you might want to drop the H |
I have always blamed my parents, especially my mother for making my life miserable. I have held so much anger, that it made me physically and emotionally challenged. I never thought once about how they felt, especially raising 7 children, my father being ill, to the point of death and I kept blaming them for being the way they were. Well, it was until I became a mother myself, that I realized what they went through or how they were feeling. My son will be 15 years old and he's driving me nuts!! Don't get me wrong, he's a good kid and all, but the stress of raising a child is too numerous to list. I worry about him 24-7, but I get angry because of it. You see, everything is out of our hands when it comes to life and raising a child. I mean, he's going to be driving soon and it's tearing me apart! I can't make him not drive, so I have to deal with it. What I'm trying to say is...it's difficult being a parent and maybe your mom is just having a difficult time raising herself...does that make sense?? I'm very sad that you don't have anyone to talkt to, especially about the rape. I wish that I was there to hold you and to tell you that it's going to be okay, but I can't be there. You have to dig inside of yourself and pull yourself out of this depression. It can be done, cause I was once there myself. God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle....ya know? Maybe you went through that experience, so that you can go out and help others who have been in the same situation. There's lots of people out there who need help...this could be your calling, you never know. I know it's painful right now, but there's hope..trust me. You're stronger than you think, so hang in there. Prayer is a good thing to hold on to. :) |