| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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My mother is currently in Argentina, gathering data for her dissertation. She is due back home in Boston on 10/13. She has no job and is living off student loans and a small monthly disability check. My mother is one of seven children. Her father is 98 and in decent health, but he lives with my mother's youngest sister, Maggie, who is an alcoholic with serious mental health issues and who is unemployed. Maggie has a son, Jimmy, who has health problems due to past drug use. Maggie and my mother are ten years apart and until recently were not close. Maggie, Jimmy, and my grandfather live in Las Vegas. Two of my mother's brothers live in Las Vegas with their families, and another brother lives with his family in Salt Lake City. (The other brother and sister live on the East Coast.) In the past couple of years, my mother has stayed with Maggie and my grandfather for 2-4 week periods in an effort to reconnect with Maggie and to spend time with my grandfather as he nears the end of his life. During these times, Maggie is verbally abusive to my mother in much the same way their own mother was (i.e., Grandma was a fucking psycho, Maggie's picking up where she left off, my mom is...I don't know...recreating some weird psychodrama by choosing to put herself back in this abusive situation. It's weird and complicated and probably irrelevant.) Except. The other day my mother emailed me, my brother, and my father (they're divorced and not friendly) asking us to search for and pay for a ticket for her from Argentina to Las Vegas. Maggie had emailed her (through her other sister, Annie) and asked her to come to Las Vegas while her son Jimmy is in the hospital having surgery. No further explanation was given as to why my mother -- of all people in that large family -- is to be the one who does this. My mother, in turn, emailed me, my brother, and dad asking us for help. I replied, basically saying: Um, what exactly does she need you to do? So what if Jimmy is having surgery -- what are you supposed to do about it that she can't do? If she truly needs you to be there, she'll pay for your ticket; otherwise, you can't afford it, and you need to get home to start working on your dissertation. Mom replied to that, basically saying: No, I'm sorry, you need to help me. I have a part-time job and am living off that and savings until I find a full-time job. My brother has a part-time job and is living off that and my father's credit card. So my brother and I don't have any money to spare, which this means my father would have to do it. My father is gainfully employed and does have the money; however, he just emailed me and told me he was staying out of this. Great. Here's the thing: I don't think she should go. There's no reason for her to go. Go and do what? Nothing that any of the family *already in Las Vegas* can't do. I don't want my mom to give anything more to her awful sister who treats her horribly. I don't want to enable my mom to be involved in some crazy recreation of her childhood abuse saga. She loooooves playing the martyr and victim, and this would feed right into that. I don't have the money to help her, and I don't want my father to have to give her any more money than he already has. I don't want to be in the middle between them, either. And if she *does* go, her sister should pay for the fucking ticket. Am I not right? Argh. What should I do? My mom is awaiting my reply. |
Jeez, I go online to look for a recipe for good mac and cheese, and this melodrama spills out. |
[also could be added:] here is $50 [or whatever] toward your ticket, i hope you find a way to go |
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i don't think you need to offer anything to her other than just that. "I dont have the money". her saying "you need to help me" isn't really any appropriate approach. |
Love, you. |
This whole larger situation also sounds very shitty. I'm sorry, Spider. |
how does the relationship of your mom -> you compare to maggie -> your mom? |
It's the larger situation that makes this so depressing. She wrote that she's doing this for her father -- she's afraid he'll worry himself sick over Jimmy's surgery. Right. He didn't worry himself sick when she had cancer, or when she had emergency surgery and flatlined during recovery; I'm sure he'll be fine now. My mom and I have had, since my adolescence, more of a sibling-like relationship than mother-daughter. The similarities between Maggie and me end there. |
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She emailed me back saying she's going to buy the ticket herself. Ooookay. |
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the only reason i can think of why maggie "needs" your mom there is simply to look after your grandfather while maggie is presumably hanging out in the hospital most of the day. but nonetheless, it's not your responsibility to help fund your mother's travels, especially when you can't afford it anyway. |
It would be awful to put yourself into debt in order to send your mother on an unnecessary trip across the globe. Now it sounds like she's going to do it to herself, and in the process she'll give herself more martyr ammo. If Aunt Maggie really needs someone to be there and to actually do something, she should ask someone who's already on the same continent. |
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As to why it's my mom who's been asked to do this, everyone else in the family has probably washed their hands of Maggie and her situations. I just figured that out today (*is slow*). My mom is single and thus thankfully cannot regale me with stories of her sex life, but that doesn't stop her from telling me what she'd *like* to do. Gaaaahh. |
What boundary is there when a parent tells a chuild, adult or not, what they wold "like" to do. Hmm, I smell the sooty day old cheese here. Un opinionated as I am... I am with Wisper and the rest on this: no tengo dinero, but even louder: Sorry, Mom, wish I could help, or I wouldn't help even if I cold, since it's not my problem (NMP) that you're having a financial crisis in leaving Argentina...(and more emphatically) why in the world would you want to go visit your abusive sister? and oh by the way, love you, and have a nice trip whatever you decide. Could yo send me a t-shirt? Stay out of the drama is good advice anytime. |
Spider- your mom makes me sad. |
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rock solid. |
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Hi hon, See below ---does Annie never cease to amaze us? This is about the third e-mail I received from her, all with excuses about how she would not be able to help me find a ticket. Today I received an e-mail from Maggie telling me not to worry about coming to LV, that she would just be with Jimmy for about 2 hours in the hospital...again, much ado about nothing. So, I won´t be going to LV after all. >>Can you go to one of those computer cafes to make your arrangements? I spoke to Maggie and she is going to have [Spider] make the arrangements. In sum: all that drama for nothing. I cannot fail to note, however, the phrase, "she is going to have [Spider] make the arrangements." With whose money would I have done that, I wonder. Gaaahh. On a totally unrelated note, Trader Joe's' dried sweetened mango slivers are the food of the gods. |
Case in point: those little crispy chocolate chip cookies. Dangerous. Another case in point: Holiday Jo-jos - with peppermint filling and bits of candy canes. and then there were the dark chocolate covered, peanut butter filled, pretzel nuggets. |
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oh god i love the dark chocolate covered peanut butter pretzel nuggets. |
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* These statements have not been verified by the Federal Religion Administration. |
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not being a sweets person, i dont have many favorite TJ sweets, if any. however, their cheesey doodles are amongst the best, even better then Barbaras brand. |