I'm in love, to the point of being a complete raving fool about it. But really, folks, it's a happy kind of idiocy...... I've spent the past couple of days being obsessed by my own lover. I know. The guy lives with me. I get to see him drink out of the milk carton and toss his clothes on the floor, blah, blah. He has faults. He has weird personal habits, like everyone else on this planet. Who cares? I've just felt so absolutely in love. I think about Trace all the time now (to clarify once again, this is Trace, my boyfriend, not the Trace who posts here). I've sent the man flowers. Yesterday I bathed him like a child. Gently scrubbed and washed him in a tub full of bubble bath, washed his hair, dried him off, laid him down in bed and loved him senseless. The one thing I wouldn't let him do is get dressed. I wanted him nude. I adore his body. I gave him a really long massage, something I've been doing a lot lately. I also cooked for him and served it to him in bed. God help me, I read poetry to him. Jesus, I'm turning into a freak. I'm overwhelmingly in love. Love always did make me feel stupid, but in a happy kind of way, if you know what I mean.

of course we know what you mean.

Heh. I know what you mean but instead of embracing it, I tend to run from it. I've been with the same guy for six months. We just ended our romantic relationship Monday. I think I made the right decision but I'm not entirely sure. I miss him next to me...I miss being curled up on the couch with him and laughing with him over those little flavored margaritas they serve at the mexi shop near my apartment. I miss the relationship immensley...but at the same time...I don't. Cuz I'm alone again and I can make my decisions without taking someone else into strong consideration. I can stay awake until 3 am now. I get a hell of a lot more loving from my cat. And it wasn't that it was a bad relationship. He and I are the best of friends...I just got scared once that thrill ran away...once we became too comfortable. Yet that's what everyone looks for right? Someone you can be entirely comfortable with and not have to worry about it? For some reason, I tend to embrace the akwardness of newness more. So, it's been less than a week and I've already seduced the 21-year old coworker. Tell me I'm not a bad person. Fuck, sorry. Didn't really intend to ramble like that.

You're not a bad person from the 21-year old coworker's point of view, I'm sure. If that helps. I watched "High Fidelity" recently and was once again struck by the speech at the end, about the fantasy of newness. I get bored really easily, and once I get comfortable, I start seeing the flaws in myself, my partner, the relationship. Still, I haven't found anyone I could deal with staying with. But, then, we must take the immortal words of Jan Tschichold: "... strives for perfection; yet every perfect thing lives somewhere in the neighborhood of dullness and is frequently mistaken for it by the insensitive. In a time that hungers for tangible novelties, dull perfection holds no advertising value at all."

You're not a bad person. Newness is fun. Geek boy and I still haven't figured out whether we're going to hook up or not...and...do whatever it is people who are dating do? I don't know. I can't tell if people are interested in me any more. My lust meter is broken.

You're a very bad girl. Evil incarnate even. You should be ashamed of yourself. Can I have him when you're done? And can I have fries with that?

Oh and Pilate...I bet you've heard women sigh and say "Why aren't straight guys more like you" about a zillion times. Make it one zillion and one.

zillion and two, yo. Ugh. Geek boy is actually doing sometheing productive tonight, so I don't feel right harassing him. Instead, I'm doing my laundry and taking my telephone apart.

No you aren't. Your posting on here. Sillyass. Too funny. I was out on my porch with my neighbors drinking beer (and avoiding my dishes) and Aimme and I were crabbin about relationships in general. She mentioned High Fidelity too. I've never seen it. I probably should. I won't keep co-worker too long. Thing is, we were pretty good friends before we decided to suck face. So it's kind of weird. I mean, when you've been friends with someone for so long...and then you're looking at their penis and going..."Wow, I never really imagined you having one of these." Besides, he's super cute now but he's already told me that when he gets old his face is gonna sag. I can't have that. Just can't.

Uh oh. That's no good. I put the telephone back together. And the laundry is in the dryer. *sigh* Stupid day.

my little sister is making an audition tape for all-northwest. she got all p.o.ed at me because i let the phone ring three times and waited at the door with a message and i spelled her friend's name wrong. yeah. i watched american pie (raunchy) and the phone rang. so i picked it up: "hello? hello?" "who dat?" "hello? hello?" "who dat?" etc etc etc. it sounded like jon. fucking jon makeoutmaniacasshole drenner. who never even heard of the phone, much less called. we get these phone calls all the time, my sister and i. a couple of days ago she picked up the phone only to get "heeeeey, tonya, baaaaabe." who are these people?

one zillion and three. damn pilate. i want a massage. i want someone to give me a bath and scrub me down like a child. newness is good, but it's also good to feel comfortable burping and pooting in front of people. (i feel silly having typed "pooting," laugh all you want)

I agree that the comfort/familiarity factor is important. Fortunately, Trace and I have already seen each other's gross-out habits by now and just think it's all kinda funny. You live with people, no matter how glamorous they might try to act outside the house, and you'll find out all their imperfections pretty quickly. You'll hear them belch like cows. They'll barf. They might catch themselves in their zipper. All that stuff. All the joys of being human. You said "pooting". Huh huh huh. And yeah, they'll do that, too. If you're lucky, they won't be lying in bed next to you when they do. Hell, if you're lucky, you won't be going down on them when they do. Our situation's a little strange, since we've got a kid here......a kid who almost never leaves (which is OK with us). We've had to explain to Brendan that there are times when Trace and I need to be alone. At first, the kid didn't really like it (he was afraid to be left "alone" in the house) but now he seems comfortable with it, and even encourages us to "get squicky" with each other. That's how he describes our lovemaking. Squicky. I don't know whether to be complimented or insulted. He uses the word to mean both gross stuff, or stuff that's kind of twisted and cool. Everything's squicky. All of God's children are squicky. I've tried to imagine Trace getting old. Old and gray, spare tire around the gut, dentures, the whole senior citizen bit. I hope I get to see it. What I mean is that I hope he's still here, still loving me, still helping me care for Brendan and still being part of my life and my household. Still getting slow, long massages. Still taking my love, day after day. That's my hope and my fantasy. That I can run my hand through his thinning, gray hair and tell him that I love him more than ever.

That is so sweet Pilate,grow old with me the best is yet to be...

I went home and opened up Jon Carroll's collection of his columns, called "Near Life Experiences." The one I just opened up to was a valentine's day column. It was beautiful. He talked about how new love is neat, and public, because people are so busy figuring out one another's secrets that they don't take the time to be concerned with how they appear in public, and the mushiness just OOZES, and that's okay, and good, but what keeps the world going round is the old, familiar lovers. He describes the way he and his wife "slide together... an elbow here, a hip there... like [we were] --literally-- made for each other." deep down, I can't wait to find that sort of deep, familiar, comfortable love. Or you can say it like Chris Rock: [paraphrased] "essentially, a guy has two choices: marriage, or new pussy. Now, ya gotta think about it like this: will new pussy do your laundry? uh-uh. Does new pussy know what you like for breakfast? nope. You get sick, is new pussy gonna take care of you? not a chance." *sigh* Take me away to some other land I gotta get away from that girl before I go crazy She took my love away She took it to another man Now I gotta get away from that girl Before I go craaaazy -ween

you're lucky, pilate. you got a house o'love. i am not going to whine about mine. i'm too young. i'll leave that for others. i feel like being generous today.

Geek boy and I sprawled out on his bed, watched "The Graduate" tonight. Wierd movie. We like it, though. He says he hopes I get the new house, so we can hang out there without the housemate coming in. I can't believe he's figured out my thing about liking to sleep in my own house already...

I do have a house o' love. The love shack, as it were. Complete with handsome lover and goofy winsome kid. Brendan used to hate it when Trace and I would go behind closed doors. It freaked him out. It didn't really freak him out that we were interacting sexually, just that the door was closed. Brendan felt that if the door was closed, we wouldn't be able to see what was happening in other parts of the house and protect him if he needed our help. We were also shutting him out. The way I addressed it was to let him know that it's not only OK to shut the door sometimes, but that he can do it, too. I began shutting his door at night. He didn't like it (we were shutting ourselves away from him again). Then I explained that it's not that passive. He can shut the door and keep his private time to himself, too. Long weird story, but now Trace and I can shut the bedroom door and stay there a while without the kid freaking out, which has helped our sex life dramatically. Brendan is a complex little ball of psychology. He amazes me sometimes. Freud would have a field day. The love I'm feeling definitely trickles down to Brendan. I'm trying not to get so carried away by the romance that I neglect the boy. Not likely, since I still give him lessons every day and take him out with me whenever I can. If anything, the love I feel inside the home, toward either party, seems to just fill the place with more positive energy for everyone. We're more physically affectionate with Brendan than most people are with their kids. I don't think I'll ever consider the boy too old for a big bear hug. Sometimes, he rests his head on my shoulder or lap and falls asleep while we're watching TV. I stroke his hair and sit there with him while he snoozes. Or I'll carry him to his bed. I also tuck him in every night like a child. I know he's fifteen. I don't give a damn. He likes to be tucked in, so I do it. I give him a little kiss on the forehead, lots of happy news about how much we love him, and then lights out. Half the time, he'll take a tiny catnap and then get back up until well after dawn, but that's another story. Our little insomniac. I performed some relaxation exercises with Trace yesterday. I guided him through the basic meditation and visualization. I want him to be relaxed and as stress free as possible. Anything to help him be more healthy mentally and physically. I sleep at home a lot more now than I used to. It's definitely not a bad place to be.

I feel like I want to cry... Marcy is in Spokane, Pilate I envy you, I had pretty much all that, and then collage hit... I'm not going to tell the whole story because everyone has already heard it. But in any case, I'm happy for you, that is a rare occurance, hold on to that boy for a long time, it will be worth it.

Real love is a beautiful thing to read about. I'm glad that you're spending quality time with both Trace and Brendan, because I think it's important not to let one swallow you up. Every time I read your posts about Trace and Brendan, I envy you so much for having such a household with such wonderful people in it. I would be so proud to wake up every morning in that house...

i envy pilate too, in certain ways...but i'm 100% happy as hell for him. the change in his demeanor & overall outlook has been amazing. i've actually caught him smiling a couple of times. my relationship is a pretty weird sort of thing. i don't know of anyone who's got a relationship like mine. been w/ the same man for over 10 years. we're best friends. if there's any romance to the marriage--& i think there is--it's not the typical bullshit. we're very different people, at moments almost dead opposites, but we have a basic understanding of each other that's incredibly deep. i'm not sure that i could live w/ anyone else so happily. although i've briefly lived w/ pilate a couple of times, & he's a peaceful soul, too. my husband & i never really had that giddy, romantic beginning of the relationship. we were just best buddies, that's all. then we got married. our "romantic" moments include a memorable roadtrip in which we first discovered how much we dig hanging out at the gulf of mexico. we covered tons of mileage in a beat-up '70s car, w/ every new town & landscape becoming a part of our life together. discovery is our romance. it's not about roses, chocolates, diamonds or any of that stuff. it's the FREE shit. the light of the moon as we cruise on delta backroads w/ old blues tunes blasting from the speakers. it's about going to the flea markets for the thousandth time & just enjoying each other's company. it's about munching a picnic dinner at midnight in a graveyard. our nightly walks. talking about anything & everything. i feel love when the sun shines & when the moon sets. i feel love in every pore & nerve. it's good to see pilate feeling happy. he fucking deserves it. he's had a lot of tragedy in his life & has returned nothing but kindness & help for others. i like seeing a good man getting a good deal in life.

erm. when someone says "I can't wait till you live without a housemate," is it empathy, or is it "I really need to get you alone!" verdict = jump 'im.

erm. when someone says "I can't wait till you live without a housemate," is it empathy, or is it "I really need to get you alone!" verdict = jump 'im.

i think i'm a very needy person, emotionally, though i try to hide it. there was actually a day about two years ago that i left the house at 9 pm in slippers, crying because there was too much yelling. i think understanding is one of the most important qualities that a relationship can have. no matter what type or who is in it. i like to laugh with my parents and sister because it seems to wash the house in golden sparkles.

I just got kicked out of my house because I couldn't breathe. I have a SERIOUS FUCKING PROBLEM with that.

Woah, what's up, Isolde?

what? is this about asthma or what?? isolde, come live in my pocket. i will prepare you the finest in vegan cuisine and we can talk lead type all day long.

Just happened upon this thread because the name looked right for current sentiments. But oh! Pilate and Crimson and Cat and Kalli and Spider, what happened to you? I don't want y'all to be the ghosts of Sorabji past, but here we are. ----- But yeah. Am I stupid/in love? I met Z again ten years after the original post of this thread, a ten-year highschool drinking meetup. He gave me a ride home and we started hanging out all the time. We had the relationship talk before we ever kissed, he's entrenched in divorceland before we remet and still there now. We spent a lot of time together that first month, then it was like a switch was flipped. I still got texts from him every day, but not nearly as many and not when he normally sent them. He didn't have time for me. He didn't have time to help me with things he'd promised to do (though he did come through with being the transport for my feral friends the day they needed to go to the vet). I've told myself it's because he needs time for other things: working more than usual, working on his house, back problems. I've been scared to think about other things. My housemate, who went through a breakup in September, has been telling me that He Is A Jerk and I shouldn't give him the time of day. I let out a little squeaky mouse roar on Saturday night, he said he'd be by on Sunday and so I let myself be dragged out to my first Rocky Horror experience by said housemate. He came over yesterday and said he owed me an explanation. I tried not to freak out over the work but I was wondering.... Something else going on? Another girl, his not-quite-ex-wife? Neither. He got scared. And was scared to tell me, and managed to procrastinate for three weeks. Not sure what to do. Not breaking up. Don't want to break up. Just want to feel as secure/valued when we're apart as I do when we're together. Mind reeling. Teaching myself to crochet lace as a diversion. I don't want to give him up.

oh hot merciful shit, have we fallen for the same dude? It seems as much. I'm still on the bitter bus. Advice or opinion from me is so heavily tainted that i will say nothing for the good of us all. but i luv u xoxox

You be bitter. I prefer staying optimistic. Things are getting better. Thursday is going to be "our" day. Your dude probably didn't go to high school with me. (weird, so weird, so weird!) Many hugs for wisper, it's snowing here!

Both pessimism and optimism are good for blinding yourself to reality. In my experience, the hardcore karma connection leads to hardcore karmic lessons. Brr. We had a huge rainstorm with thunder and lightening and everything. It was awesome. The water was an inch deep on the SIDEWALK.

Hrm. We'll see how it goes. I've dated a ton over the last year (messed-up in the head libertarian metalhead, non-communicator, someone who decided we were meant to be before we'd met and after decided that he liked me when i was calm, a poly guy) and dome some soul searching. I really want to be with somebody who wants to be with me. I've never had a relationship last much longer than three months due to various circumstances and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to be so strong and independent and alone (I love being those things but not having to be those things). I'm also sick of being so desperate to have someone close that I don't speak up when I need to, and being so determined not to change someone that I don't even try to change their mind. This, when it's good, it's really good. He's cute and smart and funny and it doesn't hurt that he's tall and muscular. But there's also his divorce and neither of us having the time or being in the place for a serious relationship (a conversation we had two days before we started having dates three times a week). When he disappeared one time, it was a matter of a few hours. We've never gone a day without contact since we remet. It's something that I'd like to fight for if I had to, a concept that never crossed my mind before this summer. And it was very flattering to learn that he kept an eye on me when were were both in high school, a time that I felt both very exposed and completely invisible somehow at the same time. I was a tall nerdy bespecticled brunette, never imagined it followed by FTW before. Super saccharine sappy. But also hopeful happy.

sad.

:((((((((((((((((( no no no. will this year never stop shitting on people? 2 days to find out, i suppose. i send you the biggest hugs, pezzy. Biggest.

I think 2010 is going to shit on people to the very last. I fully anticipate falling off a cliff at 11:59 tomorrow.

The last two year have been a shitty year, I looks forward to become a woman.

Should've ended it two months ago. I was a second-class citizen in my own relationship. He got scared and excluded me from doing anything that he did with his friends. His friends are his family, and they got his Friday nights, his nights at the movies and most of his time. I got a couple of Thursdays and dates dependent on his X-box. "Wanna go see Harry Potter?" "Actually I've promised to go see it with the girls." He kept telling me he couldn't take any more pressure. I had to keep pushing to get anything, even an apology. Which he'd do and things would get a tiny bit better but not enough. So finally I had to initiate ending it too. Hated it. Haaaaaaaaaated it. As soon as I said anything, he turned super-logical and was like "friends?" I told him that he needs show he can be a friend to me before I can make any promises. But dammit, I wish he'd argued with me! Shown some emotion! Told me he wanted me around rather than letting go. I think that's the part that hurts the most, besides losing the person who's been my best friend for these last few months. Whenever I stop doing things and have a moment just sitting, it's all I can do not to cry. I cried last night while catching the bus home. The reasonable parts of me feel so selfish too. Fuck fuck fuckkity fuck fuck fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuuuu. Don't know what I'll do with the Christmas present he gave me. First boyfriend ever who's given me an actually present, not just something because they didn't know it was my birthday or after breaking up. Wrapped up. For me. First time ever. So sick of waiting and hoping for my life to change.

"an almost divorced guy" may be the problem. You A_OKAY pez, don't forget that. A crudy smell of rebound relationship pervades the air. Sorry. You deserve better and you shall inherit better especially when you are not looking for it. Have a safe new year, and don't waste any spilled tears over this one.

i hear you so hard on the crying during all free moments. 2010 got it's last (HOPEFULLY) dig at me in the form of my period coming today, so i can't drink and thus can't fulfill my final wish of drinking this most horrible year of my life away tomorrow night. It's perfect. pez <3

Just wanted to say to everyone on Sorabji, wishing you guys and gals a Happy New Year! I know the last two year wasn't good for me, althought, we looks forward to another new year and I am happy to have every one of you @ sorabji. I didn't forget Droopy, hopefully ,I will be hearing it from him. I hope, and love you all, especially you Mark!

Happy New Year! I just got mine a couple hours ago, we're in sync. Almost. Yeah. His wife left him two months before we remet, at most. I've got a habit of being the rebound girl. After three days of crying when I least expect, I've finally had a tearfree day. Half an hour left of the year, not sure if I want to venture a mile out to deliver s finsl secret santa gift (I can get away with it in the morning.... my secret santee, another ex, is out of town on a New Years' camping trip) and drink sparkling wine from the bottle at a dance party. I love to dance, but I take it so seriously and it's cold and I'm a weenie about cold. I still have to make my bed. I didn't want to wash 2010 out of 2011 sheets, so I washed them today. Didn't have to worry about washing him out of my sheets though, they were already clean in that regard.

Didn't go out. Made bed and curled up with my dog-eared copy of Wicked and a flashlight (I sleep in a loftbed and the special lightbulb I need for my clip-on lamp went out) and it felt a little like being a kid again. Oh! And pajamas. I think being called pezzy goes with the wearing pajamas and reading by flashlight. Wouldn't want it all the time, but at certain moments there's nothing more comforting.

la, are you dating this guy whose wife left him? My dad tried to hook me a girlfriend months before my ex-wife and I got divorce. You got to becareful when his wife comes back.... just saying.......

Was dating. His wife isn't coming back to him, she took most of their things. He doesn't like to talk about her at all.

splitting up is the painstaking things to do, I haven't had any woman since the split-up. I am better off by myself.

Feeling tons better now. I caved and texted him the wee-est bit on Monday, but it wasn't that interesting. Even with the loneliness I'm not tempted to go back. Not sure if he was serious about the friendship thing, but I have other things to do. Today was my second day of classes... Intro to World Religions and French 202 are a good combo for a day, what with working and volunteering at the co-op... Tomorrow I have my first day of Sexualities (once a week class) and on Sunday I have an orientation for volunteering at the Feral Cat Coalition! Have a few potential friends with similar class schedules (I'm not the only one taking both religion and sexualities) or whom I had classes with during other terms... If I can keep myself out and less introverted I'll be fine.

la, I hated being " introverted". I used to be a "recluse" or being shy person. Blame it on my mom!

Argh, don't get me started on feral cats, unless you're finding homes for them!

The FCCO aids caregivers in the catching, fixing and vaccinating of feral cats with various levels of socialization. When I use the term feral, I mean a cat that is not currently adoptable. My ferals are a little friendly towards me, but for the most part won't even let me get close when I'm feeding them. They're a far cry from your average housecat, very self-reliant and have very little trust in humans. I've closed the reproductive loop of two of the three cats I feed and hope to complete with the third in the next couple months. A stray cat has possibility of becoming feral or a housecat. A feral can become a stray.

you hate them because they kill birds, right?

I don't hate them, I wish them all homes. But I am against efforts to sustain feral cat colonies.

Sustaining feral cat colonies would make them less feral? My Doggie is about 15 pounds now, and in the six years she has been taking food from me, she has tempered her wild nature and become a docile house cat -- that is within the house. And her mean vile survivalist temperment comes out any time she encounters a living breathing object of threat within her house. It is HER house now. She can only watch the birds through the window. She loves the christmas tree; I suspect it is just like home. She has difficulty telling me what she thinks most days.