yesterday i sent an email to my best guy buddy, who i haven't really talked to since may. as an afterthought, i added, "i don't work tomorrow. do you want to meet for coffee or something?" the next message was a bunch of gobbeldygook, saying "coffee at anytime is good" and "i hope you're not misreading this" "you often answer my emails several tmes a day." i sent a reply and i haven't heard from him since. i'm worried. i can't stay warm, even with a kitten in my lap. this guy is one of my closest friends, even if he doesn't think so, and i don't want to lose him. he was one of the first people i felt that i could really talk to, and not have to worry so much about how stupid i thought i sounded. damn.

I wouldn't worry about it, maybe he took a while to reply. I do, sometimes, and sometimes I forget to check my email. Whatever, I'm sure it's fine.

just got an email: he thought i was sounding weird.

I wonder what that's supposed to mean.

me too. he still thinks that i sound weird. i changed the subject.

did you sound wierd? maybe he could tell that you were having a crush on him?

Maybe...sometimes we're more obvious than we think. Maybe he's just paranoid. Or maybe he likes you.

"more obvious than we think"? jaysis. would that that were the case. Notwolf's Law of Idiocausal Dynamics: 1. Guys are stoopid 2. Girls have snakes in their heads. i know people who have LOST more love than i will ever know b/c they sit around and dwell on it. i mean, really, what is the difference in just taking the chance on another's interpretation of your actions at the beginning of a relationship ( or a turning point in an 'established' one..), and getting your food at a public market, trusing a string of strangers with your bodily health? maybe it's just easier to say these things while i'm single..

he likes tim burton!!!! omigod! that is like, so cool! *stops to breathe* he did tell me that he mostly remains detached from people. my sister says that he's really shy. but i try to get under his skin. i'm on the verge of sending him an email. "yo, why'd you go all wacko when i asked about coffee?"

Geek boy and I watched two movies, I fell asleep on him, kind of. He looked very gay this evening, yes, indeed. We held hands a lot. It was very cute. Obvious? Probably. Everyone here thinks we should hook up. We both vehemantly deny it and then glance at each other. Hate the dating game.

Then stop playing it and jump him, for god's sake. Did you read the above post regarding love lost because people sit around and dwell on it?

notwolf, You make me want to wimper. There's other perspectives... I'm beggining to realize that to me, love doesn't mean there has to be rules. For a long time I believed that. I thought I had to find someone who had been there...who had done the entirely monogamous relationship...had done what they were supposed to...and I was supposed to love them...and they were supposed to show me how to love back. How to do it right. Well, I never did it right. Not that way anyway. And maybe I've pushed too many people away because I *AM* guilty of dwelling. I analyze everything down to a single grain of sand. I do have snakes in my head. But I think finally I'm ok with this. I think I've finally realized that no one else really has it any more figured out than I do. When it happens that I'm supposed to be in a commitment I'll be in one. In the meantime, I'm young, I have great breasts and a cute little smile. I'm gonna have fun and not worry about any of the so called rules we make up for eachother. That doesn't mean I can't love. But to me, love doesn't mean the be all end all. There was a quote someone sent me in an email once that said something to the effect of "the lie is telling someone that you can only love one person." And it's true. And so when we hear the words, "I think I love you," we panic when really we should embrace. I mean, how cool is it to know there's someone, someone, who thinks that much of you? I have completely lost my point. Forgive. What I meant to say was, "Tom's right. Jump him."

I got your point, kind of. He's nervous. I absolutely refuse to jump him. the problem now is that I don't want to fuck over a perfectly good friendship. I think it might just have to lie. On the other hand, the two involved are the last to accept it, I was thinking about that on the pot today, how Ariana last night said: "(geek boy) you should make out with Isolde." And we both kind of stared at each other and said: "NO!" Right. Anyway, I'm sure it will work out. Another afternoon of reading by the fire is planned.

Are you stupid? Hell yes, I am. App had the shocking realization today that he's been the unwitting (as per the part) geek-guy in a girl-seeks-to-be-noticed-by-unwitting-geek-guy-but-he-refuses-to-catch-on drama for like a month and a half now.

month and a half? man that's short. i'm back to square one with keith. i just answered an email that was completely about denmark and politics. he did tell me that he tries to stay detached, but man, he's elusive. it was march that we hung out in shari's 'till five am.

Damn, I'm sorry, App. Will you elope with me so we could both be happy?

there can't be rules. if you're looking for a peg to fit a hole ( no pun intended) then odds are you will die alone, or, at the very least, placate yourself with part-time flings all the while convincing yourself that you're not easy, meanwhile your ideal paddles further and further away with each passing thrust. love is not addiction. and the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. and, while i'm pumping out the philoneliners: the patient man dies waiting. i ( to my creeping shame) signed onto a singles board recently. as i was doing my "profile" (stoopid fucking menu of the buffet that makes up a being...), i heard the Afghan Whigs song in my head that says "Hesitation is my enemy".. and i remembered the last time i heard that song, i was singing it softly into my new lover's mouth on our first night together... it struck me then, too, but differently. now i live by it; tho not to the point of reckless abandon, but right to the edge of first-date-kiss, which is exactly what he was talking about....

Isolde, you can't have App. He gets the stuff off the high shelves for me. We can share him though, if you like. App, if you don't actually call the girl instead of saying "I should call her sometime" every single day, just like you pull the push door every single day without fail, then I'm going to have to suppress you into a canvas bag and leave you on her doorstep. Or something. But at the same time, I'm as guilty of the geek-boy cluelessness as you are. The first time I realized that went something like this... Me: Do you think she likes me? (uncontrollable laughter, while protagonist looks around with confused expression) Me: What's so funny? They thought I was joking. I felt sheepish and blushed a lot. But she's got me now, so I think she does like me.

App--If I can't have you, call the girl. I would be thrilled if geek boy called me and was like "hey..." It would totally make my day, and it would totally make that girl's day, I'm sure. I guess I'm a little beyond that stage with geek boy, we spend every waking moment together and people mock us all the time. Maybe he really is just clueless. You: geek: tell me what to do!

What to do??? Hanging out, holding hands, watching movies, spending every waking moment together. Jump him so hard you scare the piss out of him. (He'll get over it).

Oooh, holding hands? I should be porking the lad by now. Jesus. My magnetic attraction, once again, seems to have gone on a vacation to Baha without me. If I jumped him, I think he'd be terrified. He's totally inexperienced. He's only had one girlfriend for chrissakes and they didn't even fuck! I have little virgin boy here and me, the slut beneath. That's what it feels like sometimes.

All the more reason to "experience" him. Rock his world.

Hrm. I don't know. Secretly, I'm very shy. I'm not sure I could muster up the nerve to jump him. Maybe after watching Caligula I could, but I imagine after Caligula, he's going to be like Brendan and the glass incident.

Do you want him or not? A well-timed innocent glancing brush across the right spot should leave no doubt in his mind as to how to pursue.

Hr. Maybe I'll try it.

Just ride him like a pony!!!

Thanks, J.

i want email. i just got a forward that i might send to keith. it's rather pushy and weird. "what would happen if we were stuck in an elevator together?" crack the boy's shell like a (trying to find a vegan appropriate noun) coconut.

Like a throbbing hot beef skull? That might be better. Geek boy and I make vegan jokes all the time, it's hard to offend me. Listening to Moby. I know I've said this elsewhere. DON'T send forwards. They're idiotic and dumb and blah blah blah. If you're going to send them, take the time to edit out the stupid line breaks! Jesus. There are people who have been blacklisted from my email as a result of inappropriate forwarding activity.

sorry 'bout that. i did edit out the line breaks, though. when i send forwards, i always take the time to edit line breaks and improve spelling. evedence: "aRe" and "yoU". this one seemed to be a tad bit different. and it arrived after work, so who knows where my brain was. yuk. when i first got email, i did every single forward. now i'm smarter, so i usually send them if they have something relevant to say. like the anti-forward forward.

Isolde- My first serious girl found herself in about the same place you are, I think. I was clued enough to realize we were dating, but the kissing, handholding only stage lasted a _really_ long time, according to her. So one day she just took over, and totally blew my mind. Once I recovered (which only took about 2 minutes) we had a totally beautiful relationship (and sex life). He is one of the XY chromosome types; therefore he probably really wants you. If he's a standard geek guy, he just figures making the first move will bring about disastrous consequences or something. My $0.02 :)

k. I'll keep that in mind. We haven't progressed to the kissing stage yet. We're friends. Now I'm fucked, I don't want to muck up a good friendship. Blast it all.

You're "the slut beneath?" Um.. where's Tanya Harding when I need her. someone give me a fucking break. you're scared, and not for him. jump the boy and get it over with. Pez: that survey rocks ass. I sent it to everyone I know, and I heard back from people who haven't talked to me in 3 years. I got responses from Chico and Santa Cruz, CA Portland and Corvallis, Oregon, Lawrence and Wichita, Kansas, Hartford Conneticut, Wherever Goddard is, two old internet buddies who'd disappeared, and my pal from high school who's in Ecuador. fuck, that's awesome. thanks.

you are all so lucky. honestly, seriously, all of you people. you have no idea how lucky you are.

Gee, what's the matter?

luck is having a mouthful of hot (but not boiling) soup.

Dumb luck is having a mouthful of hot (but not boiling) Nate's ass.

to clarify, this has never been about nate's ass. i master the ass, i do not provide it.

It's always about Nate's ass. Asses to asses, dust to dust, we know Nate's a bum junkie.

I just had a big tragedy. it hit me right where I'm the most sensative and I don't really feel like myself lately. the whole thing is making me feel emotional about everything. I'm jealous of the way you people have relationships that fail and succeed and are normal even when they're weird.

are you ok? i think i've gotten into practicing the non-relationship. i can't stay, satisfied, in a relationship. i have no clue why. there's always something wrong. * * * i just finished dying my hair. the dye was turning the sink pink. but few people i really care about will even have a chance to see it. fuck them anyway. i need someone to be on the same level as me, but if i ever seem to find someone like that, it scares me. my greatest dreams turn into my greatest nightmares. i wanted someone to listen: the guy had no backbone and was practically my slave. i wanted someone who'd protect me: the guy said he would so he'd finally have kissed a girl. what's up with that? every single guy that i've dated has never kissed a girl before me. i should sleep.

pez you are young. jesus. live. relax. gee so are you... but you know where i am if you need to send one of those ranting emails. : 0 tak care k

yessssssssssssssssss, masterrrrr.... *tromps around one shoulder higher than the other* i really should stop getting online so much and prepare all those poems for some serious editing. but it's so fun to complain! i'm suffering from lack of email. i've come to expect emails from keith as a daily luxury, and my mailbox is empty. *sigh* my hair is...vivid. i did it myself, without a mirror, so i missed parts of the front and sides. but the color is darker, and definately redder than before.

No need to fear, Pez. There's a great deal ahead of you to live. Gee, I'm sorry. I hope things are going ok. The flood of tragedies seems to have stopped for me, I think I'm going to be mercifully left alone. Tall girl with the green (now blue) hair and I are going to make sushi today. It should be very exciting. We're going to the new Price Chopper. I was in there for a moment the other day at some odd hour, and I had to be dragged out. It's so much fun. Anyhow, we're going to the price chopper and we're going to amble around like lunatics and buy our ingredients. I'm confident the ingredients will be here because this Price Chopper actually has a sushi bar. Odd. Anyhow. It should be loads of fun. Maybe I'll even make some with fish for her. I somehow don't thiink she'd be too into fishing for her sushi...anyway. Loads of fun are ahead of me.

i need to make up a new thread for what happened today. i'm on my way to being a more open person.

erm. is the new thread the one in which you drool over random guy? if so... right. so what happened today?

the random guy. erkle. that was the main event of the day. the rest of it was occupied by tons of customers and inside jokes. playing with a mismate white poodle slipper and "i'll goat-see what's goat-ing on". but it was the "hunk of healthy manflesh" that everybody remembered (that term traveled all over apparel today. even the guys had heard it by the end of the day). if you ever work retail, when a gorgeous person comes into your department it is a major event. trust me on this. it's a lot better than reaching down for a bag, and looking up only to see the customer (usually some extremely ugly guy) making out with his girlfriend right at the counter. i'd say that's one of the most annoying parts of retail. "you're shopping people! in a public place! save the sucky face for somewhere else!" my god, i'd love to say that sometime, but i'd probably get fired if i did.

Yuck. That's nasty. That happened to me when I was working Box Office on Sunday. Yeah, I've started working for a theatre again. And, boy howdy, I'd forgotten how much I hate audiences. They make me want to smash things, including them.

Pez, light of my life and eternal laughter of my somber soul, let me get this straight: If you and your co-workers ogle some good-looking guy, it is a major, newsworthy event; and good. on the other hand, if two people start making out in the store, this is bad. What would happen if you or one of your coworkers were making out with some good-looking guy. Would this be good, or bad? If some good-looking guy started making out with his girlfriend, instead of some ugly guy,then what? It is okay to look / ogle, but not to touch / make out with? Pez, are you Catholic? I can't believe I haven't asked this yet. ((yes, okay, all you Catholics out there. Joke. Flame me privately?)) On a sorta similar note: Isn't audience one of the major parts of theatre? Or have I just asked a question akin to "if a tree falls and no one is around, does it still make a noise?" Right. Should I just throw up my hands and admit that I will never understand women under the age of... fuck. I just won't ever understand women. Cat occasionally makes sense.

i make sense, dammit. i worked in retail for years, and don't recall making a habit out of ogling attractive people in my department. but maybe that was just me.

I think Pez is subconsciously railing over her intellctually understimulating job.

well some of your lives may seem traumatic and tragic right now mine is like a fuckin Goddard flic.... only im not quite as confident and arrogant as the male lead... i mean i can be...but its not my schtick its always one thing or another, i think

Ha! Got you fooled Tom. That's only a few billion people left now. Soon the entire World will understand what the fuck I'm trying to say. Then, maybe they can tell me. Incidentally, I was born Catholic. But I turned to Buddhism via Communism. Now I'm just nothing, but I have hopes that one day, I might find faith in something or someone. I don't have any prejudice against catholicism, nor do I think it do me any harm. In fact, it was kinda fun believing in the mysteries and the wonders. Like Disneyworld, but with more gruesome stories and better special effects.

How true, Cat. They do love to tell stories about saints and martyrs. I remember the Mexican girl next door when I was little told me such horrible stories I didn't want to sleep at night. I was terified that something was going to come and get me. Or martyr me. Or something. I was a confused child, yes, indeed. I would also agree that pez is protesting her intellectually understimulating job. I think if I worked in retail I would kill myself. At least my job is interesting, even though it's hellish right now. This will be remedied, though. Yes, indeed. My thought of the day: would Bush, if elected, be impeached? If so, for what/would the trial go through, etc? Geek boy thinks he would. I think the geek boy is wrong. What think all of you?

we saved the "omigod! he was SOOOO cute!" chats for the stockroom and after he left. had i been working by myself, i probably would have tried to help, but would've been quiet about it. harms has a boyfriend who also works @ freddy's, but they will go into the stockroom to kiss and they makeout elsewhere. the reason i said "some ugly guy" is because it's always been "some ugly guy" making out with his girlfriend at the register. i have dated "some ugly guy" before, and they seem to have to reassure themselves of their actually dating a girl in the most peculiar places. i'm not catholic. i was born and raised a presbyterian until the age of nine. i had three years of no religious study whatsoever, before i began reading books on magic/fortune-telling/wicca at age 12. fred meyer's stays open until 11. today i got mixed up and thought it was 11 when it was actually 10, because the department was completely clean, the clearance reorganized and i'd moved on to cosmetics. and that was after i studied in the stockroom. it's not exactly intellectually stimulating, but my coworkers are fun, it pays more than mervyn's (not that mervyn's is intellectually stimulating), and school is only two miles away. it's a job, not a career. it pays for gas and books, nothing more. besides, between school and work, i have no time whatsoever for a social life. i use precious hours of sleep to email and im friends from school who are scattered across the country. bah. i should be a journalist or a performer, not a shoe girl.

So are you working at Mervyn's AND Fred meyer's now? I'm so confused. A "performer," huh? I don't think pez is subconsciouly protesting jack shit. I think she saw a cute guy, and got excited about it. why would they impeach George? Has he broken any laws? He seems to have wiggled out and put the military scandal behind him; I don't think that a "vote of no confidence" without some major scandal is really likely. at all. Agatha makes sense, too. But then, I hear she's a typesetter. You are only a shoe girl if you accept that you are a shoe girl. I am only still at work if I accept that I am still at work. Later, all you crazy cats! (and pezs! and... etc, etc, etc.!)

no...i quit mervyn's to work at freddy's. can't work at both at the same time b/c they both sell some of the same things, like shoes and levis. besides, it's only about three miles from school rather than 20. and i get 55 cents more per hour, plus benefits 'cause i work more than 80 hours a week. bah. right now i have to make a chart of my family. i might incorporate my grandma and my mom into the project b/c i don't know the names of all of my relatives (my family is one mixed up rabbit warren). my job is boring. and i saw a cute guy and went gaga. c'est tout.

80 hours a week? that's over 11 hours a day, 7 days a week. and you go to school?

make that a month. typo. i work an average of 27 hours a week. yes, i go to school. but i usually don't mistakes that bad.