lt's cold, too, at least, it is for this time of year. And a little drizzly. l have all the lights turned off in this room l currently occupy. l have the contrast on the monitor turned way down, just to the point where it is bright enough for me to see the words on the screen, so there is no extra light. l have no music on, either; just the computer hum and the air conditioner turning off and on. lt is sensory deprivation. At this time in the night it feels as though everyone in the world is dead. Or never existed at all. l am too used to this feeling. l spent a long time on the phone today, and yesterday, and some more time sitting and talking in her car in my driveway, to a person l know, who is anorexic, depressed, obsessive, alcoholic, and many other things. She had been drinking this morning, when she drove us around in her car. She wants to kill herself again, l suppose, and is depressed because this urge of hers, to kill herself, was gone for a while, and is now coming back. There is nothing l can say to her and not feel myself to be a hypocrite. l cannot remember a time in my life when l have not wanted to kill myself. lt can be hard,therefore, to relate. This is what it looks like where l am. lt is now one fifty six, a.m., Eastern Daylight Time. |
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i am in portland, oregon. it is sunny and wonderful. i am getting off work soon. i will ride my new bicycle all over the city today. maybe take a nap in a park. the sun is so precious here, we don't see it very often...... |