Hmm. . . the cruelest thing I ever did? I guess that would have to be stealing away another chick's boyfriend. I suppose that I did deserve getting called names such as *censor* and *censor* everytime I walked down the hall, but I don't regret it. Jordan and I are still together.

Hey ScruncH -- I got yr e-mail/but when I responded to klwood@if.rmci.net the e-mail came back as undeliverable. If you've got another e-mail address I can reach you at let me know. P.S. There's some weird server lockout thing happening btwn AOL & Mark's domain -- sometime I can access the boards/other times I get a big "ACCESS FORBIDDEN" msg. So if you post something to me & I don't get back to ya/it's not becuz I'm being a bitch. GOOD LUCK IN THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR!

Yeah, there's something wrong with that e-mail address. I guess our stupid internet company decided to disconnect it or something. (retards) So anyway, the e-mail address I usually use is dandelion_dust@hotmail.com See ya!

Doves: You're the one referring to yourself in the plural. 'Nuff said.

Is this site screwing up or is someone claiming to be me? I've seen my name and I haven't posted it. Anyone else having the same problem?

Only on the new messages view - it sometimes takes headers from other threads and puts them under another. But the messages aren't actually there, it's just a listing bug.

hey Markus, Thanks for the explanation. I thought maybe the voices were hitting the net to torment me. Cause they do ya know! Damn voices. Bugs good! Vioces bad!

I never did anything cruel to anyone.. but the cruelest thing ever done to me was when a girlfriend I liked very much cuffed me to the bedpost and sat on my face. She smothered me and then as I was gasping for air.. she defecated into my mouth and made me eat her shit. I gagged so bad I thought I was gonna die! Has any woman ever done this and if so...why???? I just want to know what goes inside your head. Please Email me your response. Thanks

i have never done that to anyone. however, i did hear a rumor from one of my spin magazine working friends about david byrne and the fella from they might be giants, and some sort of defecating activity. note, i said rumor.

My freshman year roommate, who wanted to room with me sophmore year but I said "not a chance in hell" (well not really. It actually came out as mad laughter. I'm not stupid you know....well, not THAT stupid - heh). So where was I? Oh yeah - my freshman year roommate, uhmmm....defecated on the bed of his roommate that next year, on the last day of the school year. So you can see why I didn't want to room with him again. All he did to me (well, not really "all", but this one stands out in my mind) is projectile vomit all over my dresser one night. When I woke up, he was drunk out of his mind and dancing around in the vomit. I think he loved how he could slide around in it on the tile floor. The vomit ran down the front of the dresser and got into all the drawers. So I used HIS towels to clean up while he went back to being drunk, stupid and passed out in his bed (with vomit on his feet).

That's really disgusting. I'm not sure which is grosser though, you having to clean up the vomit on your drawer, or knowing that this guy is laying across from you with vomit on his feet.

once i ate a bunch of puke. while at least that is what seems to have happened. i don't remember eating it but it sure the hell came shootin' out of my big dumb head. so the way i see it, i must have consumed it at some point but events are quite sketchy after the drinkin' wild turkey part.

I was at school and was about 6. This girl always bullied me and my friends, then on day she fell on one of those grided heaters and burnt the back of her legs, not badly but still painful. Anyway one day I had just had enough of her so I grabbed her hair to hold her still and kicked all the scabs of her legs. It wasn't a nice thing to do even though she was always horrid to us but suprising she was never nasty to us again, infact she became a good friend, but I just look back and think it was horrid. K.

No...horrid would be if you collected those scabs and used them to brew up a pot of tea. That would be horrid. What you did was give that girl what she had coming to her....I wonder though if either of you ever talked about that again? Liam -- yeah, it was pretty disgusting having to clean up the dresser (remove all the drawers, wipe them out, wash everything that had been tainted by the projectile vomit, mop up the floor, etc. and all at 3am or something like that). When I asked him why (after he had sobered up so it was probably a week or two later - heh-heh) he did it on my dresser, his answer was that he sure wasn't going to do it on his! Bastard.... I told my mom about it in passing, she told a neighbor who then told her daughter, who was at the same school and same year. Jack ended up chatting with this girl and she asked him if he knew who my roommate was because she had heard the vomit story from her mom - she didn't know yet that Jack WAS my roommate. So I got a little bit of revenge (and Jackie didn't get to 1st base....hehehe)

Good for you PetRock! Was this at Potsdam?

PetRock, no we never did talk about that again and I have a really nice photo of us hugging at her 8th birthday party. K.

Liam - yeah it was. Well Clarkson actually.... That fat bastard used to do what he called "flying hip rolls" or some such crap. Basically it meant jumping on me while I was asleep in bed...I used to call them flying hippo rolls. He wasn't really fat....he was supposed to play hockey (Clarkson is a very good hockey school) but he was kicked off the team in the first week for stealing a jersey. So he ended up drinking (lots) and puking (lots). Of course I did my own fair share of both.... Karia -- you just ruined my image of you. In two short years you went from kicking scabs off of a poor crippled scarred girl to hugsies at the birthday party. Please tell me that after the party you stomped on her feet or pulled her pigtails or something....

i kissed a girl and i think i got cooties

PetRock, Don't worry I can be a nasty piece of work only I developed a sense of been more selective, for example my first boyfriend was someone who is now scarred for life where I clawed at his face in a playground brawl.. And later is life (13+) I kicked a bloke in the bollocks who was in a frog frame (broken both his legs) and the teachers just laughed because they disliked him so much (had bullied other kids since he was 8 or something). I leave my adult antics unspoken I know people who read these board and although I use an alias they would soon work it out. K.

Bloke? Bollocks? Frog frame? Tinman, Scarecrow, Lion and me are still skipping our way to OZ. Please translate to Canadian. eh

hey slacker, they're my cooties, GIVE 'EM BACK! you said you just wanted to borrow them. liar.

they're in the fridge next to satan's severed head. i love you

Sweetheart, Satans head wasn't severed. he's alive and well and living in the basement. you know that, I know that. Problem is that Satan doesn't know that. Satan's stupid!! I love you too

Get a room.

this is our room you freakin' voyeur.

Sorry, I'll be waiting in the hall with the jizz-mop.

that's funny, and flattering.

Didn't have time to read the rest of the post, but I have a suggestion for euthanizing turtles. It comes from a Freak Brothers comic, where they have turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, and Freewheelin' Franklin decides to kill it humanely by giving it an overdose of reds. Let the little critters die happy. Maybe you could give them an o.d. of coke. (Would a tweaking turtle move faster?)

When I was in sixth grade, this girl named Jenny Martin sent her friends over to tell me that she liked me. I was new to the area and pretty shy, so I told them I wasn't interested. This started a two-week campaign of terror in which her frineds would bug me every day so I'd "go out" with Jenny. It escalated one day when Stephanie Sutphen, an amazon warrior or a 7th grader, chased me around at recess and thrashed me pretty good. As she was sitting on my chest I acquiesced to her request to go out with Jenny Martin. Well, going out with Jenny consisted of sitting on the bus with her in the mornings and afternoons. Sometimes, she'd hold my hand. After a week, her friends came over to tell me it was all over because I was "weird." Jump forward to the 10th grade. Jenny sits across from me in English class. She's the most popular girl in school. I'm a typical lower-caste almost-nerd. I feel this irresistable urge to fart, so I slip it out slow and silent. It horrendous. I sit, calm and collected while a cloud of death rolls over the class. Jenny Martin is the first to encounter it. "EEeeeeww. Someone far...ACK!" and she gags. I made the most popular girl in school gag on a fart. The foul emission swept through the rest of the room and generally disrupted the class. I got away scott free. It's not really cruel, but it's a cool story, eh?

ah, revenge can be sweet and smell foul at the same time.... what a kick-ass story, wavydave.

Oh My God,I don,t know why I,m compelled to tell anyone this,but here goes.I was pregnant,and on medication so not to get morning sickness.I thought when I farted that it would be silent,and it was,but it was stinky,I got so flustered that I could feel my face getting red,I was in the check-out lane at the grocery store,I could hardly make out my check.I was mortified.

i have to say that I am convinced women don't fart, they poot baby powder, right?

You were not in the check-out lane,thank God

i fart like crazy, and with frequency. sometimes, they smell worse than others. they never, however, smell anything like baby powder.

Bummer - I thought I'd typed up another fart story, but it seems to have been swallowed in the intracacies of cyberspace. Oh well... another day maybe...

oh, god, just the thought of a girl farting, just the two words together in a sentence, makes me woozy, but I am anal that way and my wife has convinced me she doesn't fart,

Sucker,eveyone farts,really.

uh.....sucker....I assure I am aware of biological fucntions that all humans deal with, it's just i live in a woreld of make believe, it's made of cards, delicate card with 50's pin up girls on em, and I don't need your silly ass to be blowing my house around.........really

*sigh* guess I'll re-type my fart story that disappeared yesterday. It's 8th grade. There's this really good-looking, well-developed (for a 8th-grader) girl named Jamie that I walk home with every day. I'm in band with her - she knows that I like her. She knows that my best friend Rus likes her. She teases us mercilessly and plays it to the hilt. So, one fine afternoon, Rus and I go over to her house to talk with her. We're standing in the kitchen chit-chatting with her and her mom. Everything's going fine. Then. I needed to fart. So I hold it. Everything's cool. The conversation seems to be wrapping up, so I can wait. But the conversation drags on. The pressure builds. Rus (that moron) keeps bringing up things to keep us there. I REALLY need to fart. The door is just out of arm's reach away, but we just can't seem to get out of there. So I decide to let it out slowly, silently. I relax and BRRRRRRAAAABBBBBBPPPPPPPPPTTTTTT - it's like a sonic boom. Everyone's gaze locks onto me. Her father, in the living room, fixes me with a steely glare across the couch. What do you say? I didn't say a thing. I started for the door. Her sister, waaaaaay back in the farthest reaches of the house yells, "Did someone fart?" "Yeah, Dave did!" Jamie answers. We make our escape. Rus is striding across the yard. He's furious with me. I try to say something and he hits me "I can't BELIEVE you did that!" "Hey" I say, "I could've said 'I didn't do it, Rus is a ventriloquist.'" He's not impressed. (note: there's a debate, to this day, as to whether I said that outside, or that's what I said right after I farted.) I continued to hang out with Jamie. I continued to go to her house and chat with her and her mom. Her dad never seemed to like me. Her sister took a major dislike to me (she was in band too, 2 yrs ahead of me). They brought up that story whenever I came over, often when family or friends were there. About 5 years later, the story comes up again. Jamie's mom tells it to her brother while I'm there visiting. I say something about being mortified. They're surprised. It seems that when they were younger, her mom's brothers used to fart really loud to try and impress guests. They thought I was doing the same thing on that fateful day. So, for 5 years, her mom never realized that the fart day was one of my most embarrasing moments (up to that time). Kinda weird.

And really funny.

waffles, she farts all right. sorry to crush your reality. i have never heard my mother fart, either, but i'm convinced that it's her secret dirty pleasure.

....(sigh)...well YES of course I know this, jeeeeze peeps be ruin my schtick

Relax dude. I'm a chick and I can assure you on behalf of my people, we do not, nor have we ever, broken wind/passed gas/cut cheese/etc. It's a myth. Women really have no bodily functions whatsoever. We only use the washroom for idle gossip. Now back to happy lala land with you to rest your head on a marshmellow pillow and dream sweet lollypop dreams.

thanks Gee for attempting to keep my schtick alive........ however its gone

siva nataraja threadkiller deluxe.

heh gee makes me laugh. my boyfriend hates it when i fart, but its okay for him to do it and pull the blankets over my head... what is it with guys and they way they do that huh? huh??

pull the blankets over your head? wow, people really do that sort of thing? i guess i have issues.....

better yet....GUYS actually do that sort of thing........does he give you wedgies too or wet willies?

The blanket thingy is called a Dutch Oven in some circles. Not that I've done that ... not that I've really had the opportunity to do that in quite a while ... check the "celibate and single" thread on the Last time you had sex topic. Soy un perdador. i'm sitting here idle while our network guy reboots the print server.

he does it to be funny. its not. but hes a boy.

uh forgot to mention that i liked your pics Waffle.... ; )

thanks your too kind

Turn the farting table on him MoonUnit,next time you have to take antibiotics,eat some eggsalad,and give that boy something to think about.

ohh god, J!!!!!!!! why do have to go there, DAMN, that imagery is gonna stick,,,,,,,,damn damn damn

How do you picture something like that? I mean...are you imagining the Smell or what?

the whole thing, the thought of egg salad and......ah hell forget it, it's still a bad thought....

A long , long time ago, I threw rotten oranges at a retarded girl.

did you hit her? was it funny? i bet it was. don't let PCness get in the way of a good laugh.

when i was 16 i killed my pet bird by putting bleach in its water. that was mean ....and i once punched a 90 year old guy in the eye, his face was like mush

Ewwwwwww gag. I once painted some tent caterpillers purple to make them pretty, they hardened up. :( One time my friend was trying to kill a swallow cause they had nested on the side of their house and were shittind down the side of the house. She kept missing like 8 or so times, and I was like gimme that. Shot it the first time. I felt horrible. Friend shot it again just to make sure it was dead, put it in the bush. Few hours later her brother comes in, "Hey look what I found, maybe we can help it." I was like My GOD. I felt even worse. But I love my fish Mr. Fishy.

PC-ness aside, cruelty is never funny.

Every one who kills a cat comes back in their next life as a mouse. I don't know what I'll get for laying the smackdown on Bambi a couple weeks ago.

you'll be reborn as a sexually-molested Disney-child whose father keeps screaming, "PUT THE HUMPTY IN MY DUMPTY YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!! PUT THE HUMPTY IN MY..... OHHH.... YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!"

Aw, shit. at least the little bastard won't be serving as a host for deer ticks.

There is no cosmic penalty as long as you eat it. You DID eat it, didn't you?

Are you kidding? The meat would have been all bruised up and everything. Besides, there's no room in my freezer for a deer carcass, much less any carcass. I let the ravens have it.

geeze, man. you strap the carcass to your car and take it to be butchered. they will usually make steaks, deerburger, sausages, stew meat, some may cook it or make jerky. then you take it home and start fobbing it off to everybody you know so it will stay in their freezer for months until they eventually throw it out. you don't leave it there.

Too late now. and i don't know enough people to foist it off on anyway. even a small deer like that. Besdies, something's gonna eat it no matter what, be it humans or ravens and maggots, so I don't see what difference it makes. I blame the whole incident on manray 19, who I was listening to on the tape deck at them time.

Poor Bambi!:(

Let this be a lesson to everyone. Look both ways before crossing the street, also bush and floss after every meal.

......and spell BRUSH correctly.....

it makes more sense as "bush".

When I was sixteen, I had an arguement with my grandmother. She's never been the most intelligent woman, and I shouldn't have gone as far with the arguement as I did, but I was truly pissed at the woman. We were arguing about how I should respect my mother more. She went on to say how much she missed her mother, and if she could, she'd want to dig her up and give her a big hug (I told you she wasn't all that smart.) Well, I reminded her that she'd been dead since 1983, and that her body would have decayed quite a bit since then, so if she did try to hug her, it would be quite disgusting. She began to stutter, saying that that was impossible, as they had gotten an airtight coffin, and there was no way...no way...just no way... and proceeded to start crying. There I was, 16 years of age, explaining to my 53 year old grandmother what happens to people's corpses when they are dead for ten years. This would also qualify for the only thing that I regret.

The other night, we were walking through the streets of london when we saw a dying hedghog, that looked like it had been hit by a three ton truck, as it's rear end was squashed and it's guts had popped out and were lying by the side of it. However...it was still alive, and we thought a bit of D.I.Y surgery would help the little bastard out. So we got a twig, a box of matches, and some gasoline and proceded to re-introduce it's vital organs to the gaping hole in it's abdomen. After achieving this, we attempted to seal the hole by cuiertising the wound, therefore sealing the guts back in. Immensly proud of ourselves as a result of our succesful operation, we lit a cigarette each to celebrate...we had used all the lighter fluid we had during the rescue operation so lit a match each and chucked them away...unfortunately the gasoline canister we had been carrying had been leaking and had formed a trail leading away from the hedgehog, who was still lying where we had left it....one of the matches lit the trail subsequently incinerating the poor half dead hedghog...the only comfort we take is that it was a quick death as we had made extensive use of the gasoline.....and he tasted yummy!!

ugh!! i don't feel so well after reading that.

If you kill it you should eat it

We did, and last night we went out and caught a pigeon, flame grilled it, and drank its blood. We highly reccomend it to all of you. Just remember to remove the feathers first, and that blood always tastes better when its warm. Enjoy! p.s. if you want any other serving suggestions or new recipies please email us at the address given :) we will reply...honest.

I don't mind emberassing stories, ie. farts, but people who are cruel to animals really piss me off. Don't people have anything better to do than torture defensless creatures?

Nope

To all you sickos out there, like TRICKO & COSMO, JEFF etc. ! People with no remorse should be tortured even more than how they torture helpless animals ! You don't deserve to live on this earth ! Please do the world a favor and kill yourselfs, or the very least, have someone escort you to the mental institution, where you can live happily ever after among your evil peers. At least you're out of the way and can't hurt any poor screaming soul anymore,... GET IT !!!

I gotta agree. This cruelty to animal stuff...I can't hang-jive with it. Which is why I'm redirecting the conversation back to farts. (That and I almost peed myself reading Dave's posts) When I was in fifth grade I had this teacher named Mr. Casey. He was my favorite. He had a pet tarantula and always wore leather elbow patches on his jackets. He was a complete nerd. I loved him. Fifth grade is around the time I started to become a huge unpopular dork as well. One day Mr. Casey decided to read to us. So we all sit in a half circle around him and he starts reading. I was sitting with my legs sprawled out in front of me. Suddenly, in the middle of him reading, it came from nowhere. The worst fart of my life. I remember faintly the feeling of falling backwards while this machine-gun like fart spit forward from my body in rapid succession. Directly towards Mr. Casey. The whole class moved away from me...cries of "Eww" and "Oh Gross!" surrounding me. And the fart wouldn't end...it was like one little one right after another. I think I'd been saving up for years.... I still remember it. That's how mortifying it was. I let one quietly in class the other day too. Kid next to me started curling his nose. (Silence just made it much more foul.) I pointed to the old guy in front of me. Scott free baby.

Hi Kalliope, Thank's for agreeing, we animal loving people must stick together !! ;-) But hey, why did you post your story in THIS column, "The cruelest thing you ever did" ? There should be one for "The funniest thing I ever did" ! *giggle* Well anyway, I found your post quiet amusing :-) On the other hand, one can see it either way - cruel or funny... I wouldn't have wanted to be your classmate then ! LASSIE

I almost pissed myself. Omigod. That's so funny.

*shakes head looks at the groud* god damn, i just would'nt shut up back then.

and you had a different name and people still used upper-case regularly and rc was here and i never talked how's everything by the way?

ok, sorta

fluffy fluffy fluffy

I had a pet iguana and I cut the tail off it died a week later. A had some fish once and took them out the tank and smashed them alive to scare my little sister. I feel so bad that was really mean

Oh my shit! How could you do that? Someone should cut your tail off and doom you to a slow, painful, week-long death!

Its too bad your boyfriend hasn't already come to his senses and dumped you, you tail plucking,fish smushing, sister warping, "Oh,I just want someone totally wonderfull to love ME", piece of shit. Just,praytell, exactly what kind of a monster is it that you expect to fall in love with you and worship the torturous path of cruel and painful activities you have left strewn in your wake? Please tell us that you are not only dense,but infertile,too.

the dense seem to be very fertile

There should be some kind of test where say your I.Q. is below a tennis score it would automatically steralize them.

J, I suggested that once. But, was told it was cruel and inhuman. And, besides we tried that ages ago. It didn't work.

and the dense never see themselves as part of the density

You guys are all miserable shit heads,like you are angels from heaven or something. I'm really a good person

Good People don't torture animals. Nascent serial killers kill animals. You are fortunate that you are female, and as such, fall largely out of the societal factors that help form sociopathic psycopaths. Your only hope is to join a convent. You MUST do this, or face an eternity in the fiery lake. I'm terribly sorry, but there is no alternative.

You think angels are miserable shitheads? Hmm. That's possibly the most interesting thing you've said. If you ate the animals you killed then OK, but apparently that's not why you offed them, it was for your own pleasure. Bad girl, no oral sex performed on you, for you.

You people are a bunch of fuckin whiners. Not to mention boring as hell.

at least we aren't sitting around with our cocks in dead goats.

Speak for yourself. Oh, damn. My goat is still alive. LS

my clock says 9:11 PM but it is wrong.