I want serious, well-thought out answers, too. Answers that take into consideration fingerprints, witnesses, hair-fiber / DNA evidence, gun powder residue, trace chemicals in the digestive system...every way you could possibly be caught. There are 2 parts to this question: how would you do the deed, and how would you dispose of the body?

Wait. Of course, if you dispose of the body really well, you don't have to worry so much about leaving no tracing marks on the body. So you either have to do a really good job of the murder so you can relax a little about the disposal OR you can be kind of sloppy about the murder (just make sure you clean up) and hide the body really well. One of the neatest short stories I've ever read is called "Two Bottles of Relish" (can't remember the author). These two detectives are staking out this guy in his house. They know he has killed a woman in his house, but they can't figure out what he's done with her body. The only time he leaves his house is to chop firewood and to buy groceries. They find that he buys tons of vegetables and meat relish, and they can't figure out why he would put meat relish on his vegetables. Then it dawns on one of the detectives... The last line of the story is "'But why did he chop all that wood?' 'Solely,' he replied, 'to work up an appetite.'"

you need to provide more information. the most important of which being whether or not the killer has any kind of relationship with the victim. getting away with offing a total stranger would probably be pretty simple. walking away from murdering someone you know would be far more complicated.

what is meat relish?

Baazar as it is ,I also read that story,and never forgot it.But I am implementing a much more "tasteful"[padon the pun],plan.A fool proof,no worries kinda plan.The main drawback to this plan is it is somewhat lenghty, but,alas,all good things are worth waiting for!I'm goin' straight for the heart! Lots of "heart-un-healthy" foods. Rich sauces, lots of fatty meats,especially bacon, and don't skrimp on the booze,[absolutely NO red wine allowed on this plan,those damn French with their "French Paradox" could undo my years of hard work], smoking is an added plus,but nicotine can be added to the foods in powder form if the intended won't smoke, helps constrict those blood vessels nicely.Remote controls are a MUST,limit all forms of excersise, a helpful,"Let me get that for you", works wonderfully.Also, always offer "more", keep reminding them "of all those poor starving children in China", and dish more food on the plate, encourgement is helpful here,a carefully interjected,"don't waste", is usually effective.ALWAYS buy clothing 1 size larger than their size,so they can comfortably expand.Under NO circumstances allow ANY antacid products,when they start complaining of "indigestion", say "My parents always used baking soda and it really works", then offer up a hearty serving.This serves an added plus,if they ingest enough, it will through them into metabolic acidosis,and if you "wait and give the baking soda time to work",it could save you years of putting up with the despised person. If this fails,maintain your sense of humor,and periodically "suprise" your intended by dressing up in scary outfits,like my personal favorite, a ski mask, welding gloves,[theres just something damn scary about BIG gloves],and kinda toss an ax from hand to hand, this always gets a big reaction at my house. Well, I think you get the picture, you're home free, nothing to clean up,nothing to hide,a clean and easy Coroners ruling: he was a glutton!!! Again, time consuming,but better than the "Big House" for life.

Now that's a plan! Swine: let's say this is someone you know.

you'd be better off feeding them mixed drinks (heavy on the booze) until they pass out. take a small-gauged hyperdermic needle and inject a bubble of air into the peroneal vein. eventually the bubble will circulate through the body and reach the brain, killing the designated sucka instantly. why use this method? 1. the death will look like a sudden aneurysm. 2. because you introduced the air bubble into the body with a small gauged hyperdermic in the inner-thigh region, the coroner will undoubtedly miss the entry wound. 3. beats the hell out of waiting for a gastronomical mishap. as long as you acquire the needle covertly, there is no publicly known reason why you'd want to off the victim, and you hit the vein on the first try... you should get away with it. but of course you didn't hear any of this from me. rhiannon: i'll drink a margarita and think up another one. i'm feeling way too mellow to bother going out tonight. besides, this could come in handy someday.

or if you have doubts as to whether or not the air bubble trick was successful, put about a gram of blow in that syringe, and incite a heart attack....but thats a waste of good drugs which i whole heartedly do not condone......a bag is a terrible thing to waste

you'd get busted with the hot load approach. i don't think even hardcore shooters inject a gram at a time. the coroner would detect the high concentration of bolivia's national product and check off the "foul play" box in the "reason for death" category. then your ass would be shipped off for a few decades to play "grab the ankles" with the rectum wreckers in the big house. you'd be better off sticking with the baking soda.

That air bubble would have to be at least 30cc to do any harm. Your >30cc bubble could cause a pulmonary embolism giving the victim the chance to testify. I have to go to work now but when I get back I'll give you a plan that a doctor used here and got away with murder.

maybe i'm screwing up the terminology. more than likely i just don't know what i'm talking about... but i'm thinking that you should be able to push as much air as you wanna through a needle, regardless of its diameter. (when i said "low gauge" i meant the needle, not the chamber.) anyway, i guess if the air bubble's not gonna work, you could always replace the air with liquid drano. then it's just a matter of crossing your fingers and hoping for the best.

The drano would show up on the toxicology report. Air is much better.

Wrong! I work in the medical field, its a falacy that air would kill.The amount you would would have to use is huge, mimimum 30 ccs,[like a vetrinary horse syringe],this would undoubtly draw attention, theres no way that much air could get into a human system "naturally". But there are ways. One of my favorites involves a big block of party ice, you also, however, need a swimming pool. Get your intended drunk,[need this for the coroner report],"clunk" said victim on the head with the ice, push victim and ice into the pool, your "weapon" melts,[can't bring melted ice to court!]and if victim didn't die from the blow,nature should take its course and voilla!,victim drowns,[just like Williams Shatners,young, nubile,drunken wife]. Coroners report: Accidental Drowing.[note: do not use this plan in December in Denver]

dose them with 5000 micrograms of LSD-25, lock them in a mirrored room with a chair and a gun, and play this mixed tape over and over and over again: 1. "what's going on" by 4 non blonde 2. the theme song to "Friends" 3. "the macarena" 4. "what's going on" by 4 non blonde 5. anything by N'Sync or 98 degrees 6. the theme song to "Friends" 7. "what's going on" by 4 non blonde 8. the theme song to "Friends" they'll probably eat the gun before the acid kicks in.

How about you forget about the ice and just get them really drunk and push them in the pool -- that way you wouldn't have to worry about explaining the head wound (the angle of the wound, how they could have achieved such a wound by striking the head on the side of the pool, planting grains of cement in the wound, etc). Swine, you are a sadist. The "Friends" theme song 3 times??

If you just push them in, chances are they'll just float around on top, I guess at that point you could go and get your hockey stick and have some fun, but then you'd really have some 'splaynin' to do.But I like the "Friends" idea.

Holy Shit,my husband is trying to kill me,you never said this theory with my s/o Czarina did you.At least if I suddenly die, I have witness,s.

Maybe we should do him,before he does you!!!!

"J", do you like meat relish?

what is meat relish?

If I can,t eat it my dog Lucky will,she even eats shit.BTW,you are thinking along the same way I was before George got the boot,aren,t you?

Been thinking that way a long time!You thought my first plan was "fantasy"? Any input would be greatly appreciated!!!

"J", I'm not working tonight,so I'll sign on at 11pm tonight,right now it is 3:50pm,my time.So I'll sign on here at 11pm my time.Right now the Ogre of Nottingham needs my assistance,oh the bells-the bells.

Injecting potassium chloride into a vessel in sufficient quanity causes hyprekalemia and death, due to problems with electrical conduction of the heart....blaa,blaa,blaa... after death many processes occur, rigor mortis, algor mortis, putrefaction etc....blaa,blaa,blaa...anyway during these processes potassium is released from the cells making it nearly impossible to state that the victim was off-ed via potassium OD. The vitreous fluid from the eyes can be tested for it's potassium concentration, but the reliabilty of this test is unreliable after 120 hrs. So inject, and dispose in an area where the body surely will not be found for some time and let nature take it's course. p.s. Czarina, what area of the medical field do you work?

how come junkies are always worried about the air bubbles if it tkaes so much to kill you.......

tradition.

Iron supplements Czarina,it builds up in mens blood system,it won,t work in women who have periods,Brucifer told me to tell you this.It almost killed Adal Twat.

sorabjiland is a lifetime committment, like having horses. sigh. i'll explain one more thing: if you Have to kill (one), you don't need to think up some fancy-schmancy undetectable way to do it, unless you're just bored and/or have the luxury of a long time to ponder it. but if that is the case, they aren't likely to say, well she Had to do it, so, nevermind. but, if you merely Want to kill (one), that's a different story. which no one with any sense would tell you, right?

Right!!!!

Just so everyone knows, I would have shot myself the first time the 4 Non-blondes tune came on. No, actually, I would have busted out of the room and shot the person playing the music with the berserk rage that tune instills in me. My way involves having access to an abandoned mine shaft. Kill your victim however you want, perhaps burn them up, take the remains and seal in a container with some weights added. Go to the mine shaft and drop in. Be sure to pick a deep one that's flooded. Another way is to prepare the body in the same way, and build yourself a new cement sidewalk. Mix remains in with the cement mixture. Here's another way: Slip victim some acid, dress him up in a white sheet and hood, and push him through the door at a Nation of Islam meeting. Death will be ruled suicide.

"J",greetings from Cajun Country!I hadn't heard about Adal's close call,so glad he survived. How is the Senator,by the way?Thank God he's tolerant.Tell Brucifer thanks for the info.If I sign off for awhile, I'll be right back,just have to run to Walgreens for some iron supplements.Its always good to be prepared for any emergency!And a note to Fetidbeaver,I work in Labor&Delivery and in Nicu.You sound medically knowledgable,do you work in the field of medicine? We now have to sign out our Kcl, apparently a few errors somewhere,inadvertantly grabbing vials of Kcl instead of NaCl flush----oooops! So we all have to pay for someone elses carelessness[alot of s's!], and damn you never know when a vial of Kcl could come in handy.

Hey,I told you would like it here,I just remembered you have that picture of me and Bruce with our legs around our necks,we need to make a`card witha caption and we could make some $$$!

"J", you musta read my mind!!! I was just checking the "photo" dept here, wondering how I could post it!But its not just you and Brucifer,its a BUNCH of the old gang, we appear to be siting in some kind of a small crator,where the hell were we?

Hey! is there a way to see new messages without having to go back to "search for new messages"? Like instant messaging?How?

Maybe but I can,t figure it out.

Its soooo nice to be talking to you.I do miss the old gang.I got ahold of Barry the other day, he was off to the hot springs in Colo.,I wondered if he remembered the time Brucifer, Paul D. myself and him drove to Colo. in my Fiat.He wouldn't ride back with us! He flew home!That was the time we all got kicked out of the Denver Museum of Natural History. Luckily we were using alias's---the Rhea sisters. I think he got mad when we were out hiking and Bruce and I made him smack sticks together to make noise, to scare off the mountain lions. He was kinda out of shape, and we kept telling him to hurry up cause they always get the laggert. We thought it was funny, but I guess he didn't get the humor and flew home.Needless to say ,I didn't mention that trip to him when he told me he was going to Colo.I'll have to check with him,and see if he encountered any mountain lions on this trip!

Remember when we bared our wares to all the truckers on the way to Bruce,s parent,s and word got around before we got there?

Wasn't Snow Queen driving?And daddy Hank was so casual about the "perverts" reported on the highway!I know I was a little uncomfortable at that nights family dinner! Wasn't that when those people from that cult were dragging that dead guy around in that giant zip lock bag,so they could keep getting his pension check?And they found his body walled up in some cabin while we were up there? And Oh,and by the way, Bruce cheated at Monoply that night,thats why Punkin got so pissed and stomped off in her big ol'Frankenstein boots.Did I ever tell you about the time she kicked open the door,[wearing those very same boots],while I was enjoying a little carnal knowledge?

Czarina, I work as an R.N. in skilled nursing and hospice, another words they're very ill or terminal. Sounds like you work at the other end of life. I'm cracking up laughing at you and J's postings. You two sound like my wife and her friend Peggy. Also since I work in various setttings with the terminally ill we have somewhat casual acess to Kcl etc... Kcl is what "Happy Jack Kevorkian" uses to stop their hearts. Anyway nice talking with you.

I'm ever-so-excited,and wanted share.I made my first ever ebay bid today,I found a item that I just could'nt live without.Its a remote control fart machine.It comes in 2 pieces,a speaker and a hand held remote.It says it can work from a distance of 50 feet and can even work thru walls,you just put the speaker some where and wait untill "the time is right",then activate it with your hand held remote.It comes with 5 different fart levels,from oooops to blow em out of the room.I found it at ebay,item #181349356,you can hear a sample of it there.Well,you know what they say,simple minds,simple pleasures!I'm already compiling my list and checking it twice! Note to Fetidbeaver: Ya.I worked the other end of the spectrum,too. I worked in terminal oncology awhile,our patients had 6 mo. or less to live,and we were doing some expiremental stuff with chemo.But it got to me after awhile,so I quit nursing and moved to Oregon to study geology,which I really got into.Then,like a damned fool,moved to Lousiana thinking I'd make big bucks in the oilfield,and got here just in time to see the bottom fall out of the oil industry.So I'm still stuck nursing.I probably would'nt of liked working in the oilfield any way,coming from Oregon,I'm pretty enviromentaly oriented, and thats not something that has caught on to well down here.

Czarina,why am I not suprised?Guess who else has a remote controlled farting machine? Brucifer called me about 4 days ago all excited,Adel was coming over and he already had it rigged up,I was on the phone when Mark came in,B. handed the phone to Mark and told him I was on the line we started talking and all of a sudden Mark must have sat down cause I heard a loud wet sounding fart,Mark was annoyed and started calling B fat and telling him he shouldn,t tuck his shirt in cause it made him look fatter,I told them I had to go before the shit hit the fan,they were going to a buffet.B can really pack it down now,I took him to Los Dos Amigos for his B-day and we were there for 2 hours and I was done after a half an hour.Pumkin beat up her mother-in-law,after she got out of the hospital for open heart surgury and had the gall to brag about it,I feel sorry for her,but she really isn,t well,it,s her Karma.

Yea,Snow Queen was driving,bet she liked that lol,Hank just loved us,he still asks about us.That was Dorthey Bell that was lugging her dead dad around for his S.S.checks,remember I went to her Church?The Holy-Rollers?Central and Glendale?I lived there for a while,she was scarey,she said I was possessd when I had enough of her shit.After she got busted with dead dad(don,t wrap it, bag it).The "church"almost burnt down,a few years later it did burn all the way down,you just know she did it.

"J",I just got off the phone with Brucifer,and am quite envious that he already has his farting machine,but am placating my self with the thought that surely I'll be getting the new and improved model.Though,he did let me hear a quite enjoyable repertoire of its abilities,which only served to wet my whistle!Oh,how I hope they express mail my little prize.But,on a more serious note,am somewhat concerned about your statement concening a 2 hour meal,this is not an acceptable situation! I just can't imagine B putting on weight.If this info is correct,then you must ONLY consider buffets,when dining out with him.Just how much weight are we talking about?Do I need to fly home and look into this personally?Are we sure he REALLY has this alleged farting machine?Did you see it personally,or is this just hearsay???? My husband is concerned because,he,like me, has big plans for using it. He wants to pay back this frequently flatulent friend he has to travel with,and this guy spent years on a submarine,time he used to hone his flatulent formulary to a fine skill,but of course, he never "shoots" in front of females.But will often come into my husbands office,leave him a "little something", then leave, then tell someone else my husband needs to see them,and in they come and there is my poor husband,siting there holding the smoking gun,so to speak.My husband is shy,and embarrasses easily,so we thought this would be a good way to exact revenge.There are these 2 young,attractive secrataries,in the front office,and thats where my husband plans to strike.But my husband is worried that Mac,the shooter,might just think that he did shoot,my husband thinks that fat people can't control their flatulence.I tried to reassure him that body weight had nothing to do with sphincter/orifice controll,but I honestly don't know,[was just trying to reassure hubby so he could enjoy his prank].Do you know if fat people are random shooters,or can they control their orifices? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

"J",the site you sent me earlier,are you there somewhere?How do I find you?

On the discussion board,it will be just you and me.Now I,m just a tad put out,I mentioned the farting machine to s/o,I told him I could use one of those,he spent about 15 minutes telling me why I don,t.Aw fuck it,I,m not going there.

MEAT RELISH!

Heather, meat relish is some weird condiment that British people put on meat. It's best not to know more than that.

But its always good to keep some in the pantry,just in case-----

Dammit, how did this fart machine conversation get in the way of the discussion we were having? I want to talk about killing people! Now. Let's reevaluate the matter at hand. The specific question for you all (since misunderstanding has arisen) is how would you kill someone without getting caught. So, what is your idea of the perfect murder? This means the victim could be either known to you or a stranger...the key is your idea of doing it in a way that does not put you on the list of suspects. I still like Czarina's "get them drunk and drown them" idea. It's the most practical. Potassium chloride is attractive, but who has easy access to that kind of chemical? Is it easily acquirable? Think of receipts and store records...not wise. Any more ideas?

sorry,i couldn't find the fart dept. and thought i might be able to slip it past you

Well, it *was* entertaining....but enough of that! We have serious business to discuss! PS. Did you know you can create your own departments here?

sorry the premis of this thread kinda disturbs me, i skipped right through the fart machine text,

Why should it? None of us (err, well, *me* at least) would ever do these things. It's just a mental exercise. I actually think it's quite interesting to put myself in a mindset that I hopefully will never be in...namely that of a murderer. Or a criminal, to generalize. Sort of like Raskolnikov in "Crime and Punishment," only I'm not so arrogant.

i dunno, it just does...i know the reality of it, and it's an interesting question, and seeing as how folks were complaining of uninteresting posting it's ironic only a few responded,

but that word association thread is rockin

I'm with Waffles on this one. I have a few easier undetectable methods but I don't like the idea of posting it for eternity. (Or however long Mark keeps stuff up) Then have someone actually do it.

well,i wanted to request a remote control fart machine forum,but felt it would seem a little "pushy" from a newcomer,and just became overzealous with anticipation of my soon to arrive mail order treasure.----------If i was King,banishment/exile would always be my first choice. so far,your best plan would be the "new cement sidewalk"

What do you mean, "pushy for a newcomer"?? This isn't a country club...do whatever the hell you want! Everyone else does. Come on, you know want to...do it....come on.......*come on*........DO IT!!

i think we should give her an introductory round in the cage with and angry drunk swine....you know... the good ole sorabji welcome....

but i like swine.

Don,t worry hon,Waffles is just kidding,but I wouldn,t leave Dumps around Swine,he likes to own mothers.God only knows what he does with them.

Fake fart machine....naw try this, go here... http://www .fufme.com/index.html

"J",some of your cannabalistic friends seem somewhat "uppity" at times-----do any of them wear loincloths? "FB",thanks for the site,but I've already been there and ordered mine.My postmistress won't deliver it though.[i think maybe she's keeping it for herself]

I waer a loin cloth when I am in the cage.....

I was trying to post that very fact,but the publisher was too busy to use at the time.

interesting------i spent Sunday building a chage 9'x6'x4'

The dream is becoming a reality! Czarina, do you live in the middle of the desert, by any chance?

welcome to my world! but alas,i'm not in the desert any longer-----there were some minor infractions-----but that was so long ago

a sultry swamp might works as well....in fact the cage can hang from a tree over a murky swamp with alligators. As the blood spills, the gator's get hungry ...they eagerly await their dinner............you live in "Nawlins" right?

naw, about 2 hours from N.O.,but i do have access to gators and a few other things that go "bump" in the night

Like drunks staggering around a hotel room, bashing their shins off every piece of furniture?

Oh, when the Saints, come marching in.......... oh when the Saints come marching in...........

Why wouldn,t we stagger around a hotel hitting our shins on the furniture,that,s what I do at home?I have notches om my shin bones.

Why would you? You drunk?

Not now,but I will be later.

See?I passed out a 10 p.m.,couldn,t even stay up for the news,but for some perverse reason,I always get up around 6 a.m.

MAYBE THE POOL IS A SOLUTION! BUT INSTEAD OF USING ICE I WOULD SWIM GO TAKE A ROMANTIC SHOWER AND YOU SOUND LIKE YOU KNOW HOW TO GIVE A MAN HEART FAILUR!!! CZARINA

Potassium chloride is for amateurs . . . we use 2 seconal (p.o.) and 200 units of insulin i.v.

"for amatuers" does this mean you have killed before? oh, please do tell, and speak clearly into the microphone....

k here is how you do it! You know those littel tester packets you get in the mail? you know like the powders for energy drinks? you go to the mail bow and poke a little hole in the baggie and put poison in it. the bada bing. (mind you a needle sized hole. inject a fluid of some kind).