| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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what's the problem? be honest. i can take it. |
remember that time in the summer someone asked how you get a lowercase letter at the start of their name in a post, and you told them that Mark was a real funny guy, and he set it up so that you had to type 'cocksucker' (or something similar) before your name? And several people (even PJ Boy? i think?) believed you??! and so the next 3 posters names started with 'Cocksucker', and they were SO pissed?! i was on a public library computer when i read that, and i swear i almost got kicked out from laughing so hard. I was crying and wheezing and everything. Kids were pointing. i love you dave! i want to give you big hugs. |
You've changed my life. No longer are leg shaking, sweating poops, just poops...now it's a "dave. poop" I don't nominate just anybody for Statler and Waldorf Awards for Excellence in Crankiness and Cynicism. So there. |
fuck fuck fuck fuck. |
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doesn't agatha hate her job too? you two must be fun when you get home. |
Unfortunately it is a rare person who is actually able to find the job that makes them happy. I always hated my jobs, except my last one but that was just temp anyways. Only thing I can say is go have some fucking fun. Whatever lame brained thing it is, go do it and have fun. That is the purpose our pool serves here. At the end of the day you just want to tell everyone to fuck off and have some you time and we would just go to the pool. The kids did their own thing for the most part and we just played volleyball and swam and had fun. Sounds lame, but it did the trick. |
i'm a good employee, my customers like me more than they probably should, they practically have to force me to take a vacation, i haven't missed a day in who knows how long, i go above and beyond as a matter of course and the account would be seriously fucked if i took off but there are average kids coming out of high school who make as much as i do so why am i so stuck? |
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see, now, the irony is that if anyone else asked "what's wrong with me?", dave's first response of course would be some back-handed smart-ass retort, sorabji-style. it's expected of all of us. but dave's real response would be "who am i to say what's wrong with you?" am i right? i love you dave. really. there's nothing wrong with you that's not wrong with all of us. |
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whatever you have, someone else thinks they would finally be happy if they got it. exercise, or an anti-depressant, ah. if it's the stuff that makes you happy it can all go away, and then you kill yourself like my grandma's rich neighbor during the depression. |
(((hug))) |
its a curse. now fuckoff you old cranky bastard. |
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It makes me think of something W.B. Yeats wrote -- "It is one of the great troubles of life that we cannot have any unmixed emotions. There is always something in our enemy that we like, and something in our sweetheart that we dislike. It is this entanglement of moods which makes us old, and puckers our brows and deepens the furrows about our eyes." |
i sure do worry about my honey bunny. |
you know, when I read your first post my first reaction was that you were not fishing for compliments, but I couldn't think of anything else to say. Having read your subsequent posts I think I get it now. I don't really have anything to say that hasn't already, which is good because I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say because I've gotten less than five hours of sleep in the past two days. I really can't relate being somewhat younger and, for the most part, on the career path that I'd hoped to be on by now. I'm not accusing you of this, but one thing I have noticed is that I always find something to be unhappy about...I've spend a considerable amount of time fretting over the last few years about how I'm losing my personality. It's not true of course, and it does force me to try to get back in touch with all the things that make me an interesting person...I buy a lot of music that I really can't afford since I don't have much time or energy for novels and films. I like múm quite a bit, who I heard about from you. Actually most of what I've purchased lately is because of what I've read here. Interpol and Górecki...thanks Spider. I didn't mean to babble on about me. Sorry. p.s. hey nate, I've also incorporated "Nate Poop" into my vocabulary, however I have not taken one lately. |
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I wanna fuck ya. |
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the craps were like a first-in first-out replay of what i'd eaten. like a core sample of my digestive tract. quite interesting, really. number three or so being bright yam orange. |
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is it just me or is anyone convinced of the notion that men are just more gassy? apparently i fogged my wife outta the bedroom the other night. is there any basis to my perception that men fat 20 times to every girl fart? |
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i barely fart at all. |
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I strongly advise you to stop your regular smegma consumption immediately. You'll find that your complexion improves and so will your social graces. No one likes a man with his own pubic hairs between his teeth. |
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I have found that having one cup of coffee in the morning keeps me regular, but after a while I get intestinal cramps from the coffee and quit for a while. |
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maybe it balances out in the end, because with poonanie farts its not so much an odor but the absurd noise. thanks in part to cat, this thread is spiraling fast. |
There was a time that I couldn't even type the word "fart". But a good friend of mine cured me of it and taught me the value of fart jokes. I still blink when I tell one though. |
now, if i could just do something to help myself fart less because im really uncomfortable the wife felt she had to leave the bed it was so bad. we both ate the same japanese food that night. |
it was me. you should have seen the look on sem's face. he said, "I stifle mine for you." I said something like, "well maybe you shouldn't." |
probably me. she rarely farts and when she does, she acts like she totally didnt expect...sometimes it comes when shes laughing and brpppppttttt. 9 years later i still stifle if im conscious. its when im asleep things get out of hand. |
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that's fucking great. |
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and they smell more often. |
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Apparently its because her mum used to tell her that if you ate too much cheese you get bunged up. Her mother is also the person who yelled out 'I got diddled' on recieving weird coinage in a shop. Ah parents. |
I think I am going to use the I got diddled thing just to see if I can embarrass my kids! |
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i never fart or burp. well, okay, not never, but very very very rarely. seriously. this morning i had my first poop in four days. i had even taken several doses of Super Cleanse, which had never before failed me. i was starting to get worried, and wondered how many days it was safe for the human body to go without eliminating poop. it wasn't a very satisfactory poop though - i'm hoping for more later or tomorrow. coffee yeah. usually helps me too, but i'm off coffee again, hopefully for good this time. not because i think it's bad for your, but beause i abuse it. |
His TP useage must be cutting into his alcohol budget. |
I sometimes drink Smooth Move tea. It works. |
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i tend to fart and burp silently. In fact, when i do make a noise, i become very proud of myself. I think i picked up the silencing method in highschool, when we had to sit on hard benches in science class, and even the smallest fart would become loud and wet-sounding. But you know how farting on a hard surface is. Intense. So i think it just got me to control them so that no one could hear, and i never stopped, and now it's second nature. I really am proud when i make a noise. It's almost sad. My burps just sound like a quiet hissing, just like a hard exhale. It's pathetic. I've asked everyone to teach me how to belch on command, but i can never get it. I WANT to burp LOUD! Pooping is great. I can't imagine not going for 4 years. I bet the first time kazzo's aunt went normally was like heaven. The kind where you get a little dizzy and everything. And you'd moan out loud if you could too. And the kind when your butt just feels great for a while after, like it did it's job and it's so happy to be an asshole. What a weird feeling, but a good one. You know what i'm taking about, right? The kind when you really have to go for a long time, but you can't, and then you do and it's the greatest, most god-like experience on earth. If you'll excuse me, i have a craving for Bran Flakes. |
I had a friend who used to laugh at me because every time I belched or farted I would say "excuse me" and it was so weird to her, so she just laughed. 5 painful coffee shits today. I am going to have to find something else tomorrow! |
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I want a man who will hold in his gas for me. |
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its been long established gee lives in a world of make believe. get over it. |
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friday night a drank about 6 oz of white sangria, and 2 4-5 oz servings of red wine and was flat-out drunk. i drank six microbrewed beers on saturday night and barely got a buzz. what the hell is that all about? |
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My ex's family is like that J. I am sorry for your loss. I do remember Great-Great Grandma Abromovitz funeral. It was the first family thing I had really been too (with the WHOLE family there) since we had moved back to Missouri. Here we were in the basement of the church and there was a bartender, different kegs, all kinds of stuff. I didn't drink. I had Micki and had to drive home and I just didn't feel like getting drunk at a funeral at 11 in the morning. All of the men were watching the football game and drinking tons of beer and basically having a huge party. It was the oddest thing I had seen at a funeral, but so appropriate for their family. |
From the horses mouth - - comments by our satisfied customers. "I came off the Cleanse today and I am SO IMPRESSED! I could not believe the filth and slime that came out! And so MUCH of it! Where does it all come from? Amazing!" -- S. Ward, Tucson, Arizona _________________ "I went on a colon cleanse a couple of times. And I got just goop out of me that no one can believe that is inside a person. Everyday, a gallon of goop. Rope-like stuff and intestine-like stuff. I was amazed and I would tell my husband and he would be amazed. I wouldn't tell anyone else or they'd of thought me mad! He was working and couldn't spend the time doing what I was doing. I was enjoying it, seeing what the body holds back, holds inside itself". -- D.L. Lafayette, LA. _______________ "I did both the colon cleanse and the liver-gallbladder cleanse. To my horror I did in fact have worms! After they were gone (that took about a month) I did the liver thing. I had gall stones... huge things!! 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Disease is not natural - - but it's currently on the rise! Due to self poisoning by poor eating, it has become increasingly clear that almost every person in this country over six years old is developing serious problems in the intestinal tract, which in later years may contribute to the development of various acute, chronic and degenerative diseases. Such diseases include cancer, heart trouble and diabetes; as well as lack of energy, premature aging, poor eyesight, memory loss, a poor complexion, constipation and rinkles. It is estimated that over 98% of disease can be ontributed directly or indirectly to a cmpromised digestive tract. As Dr. Bernard Jensen says, "It is the bowel that invariably has to be cared for first before any effective healing can take place." A polluted intestinal tract - - means dirty blood, poor digestion and low energy. 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The body creates a little mucus, to begin with, to filter out the toxins from the dead food. The more dead food we consume, the more mucus the body produces as a protection. The more harmful the food substances are to the body, the more this mucous film builds up. As the years go by it becomes thicker and harder. Portions of this thick mucus get pushed into pockets called diverticuli as we cram through more and more dead food into the digestive tract in an effort to squeeze some nutritional value out of it. You may ask: What is the mucus made of? The human body, brilliant as always, creates the mucus from the dead food itself! This mucus covers our entire digestive tract, to prevent us from absorbing the toxins in dead food that would make the body too sick. Because of the mucoid plaque, our nutrient assimilation becomes low. The mucoid plaque protects us from absorbing toxins, but at the same time we cannot absorb nutrients. The more mucus we have, the fewer nutrients we can receive. After a number of years of eating too much dead food, we develop severe nutritional deficiencies, become less energetic and finally sick with diseases." When we go on raw-live food and stay with it, this mucoid plaque can be dissolved. With the aid of herbal preparations and exercise, the body will eliminate it faster. The longer we eat raw-live food, the more plaque gets dissolved. Parasite heaven - - a dirty, unhealthy intestinal tract. This is the ideal environment for worms and parasites. There are over 300 varieties that can live in the human body. Worldwide, worms outrank cancer as our deadliest enemy. It has been estimated that 150 million people in America have intestinal parasite infestation. Medical textbooks have revealed that over 55 million American children have worms. Parasite infestation is growing rapidly, due to a lack of raw fruits and vegetables in the diet and an increased consumption of cooked and acid-forming foods, i.e., processed foods of all kinds, refined sugars, meat, dairy, poultry and coffee. Once in the intestinal tract, parasites have easy access to other parts of the body where they bring on various symptoms and diseases. Low energy level? People suffer from malnutrition and autointoxication (self-poisoning), which result in disease, parasites and filth, all because of a gradual buildup of many pockets of waste that has not been eliminated. The healthy colon weighs about four pounds, an unhealthy one can weigh more than twice as much. Few people realize that the same unhealthy substances found in the colon can also abound in the stomach, duodenum and small intestine. Where has my pep gone? Any build-up of old pockets of waste matter (diverticulitis) produces fermentation, putrefaction and stagnant packets of poisons and harmful bacteria (a condition of utointoxication or self-poisoning). These toxins constantly seep into the bloodstream and lymph. They eventually settle into the weakest areas of the body, then various symptoms develop and are given names according to those areas and the degree of cell degeneration. Unfortunately the symptoms found elsewhere in the body resulting from the toxic overload in the bowel, are generally treated rather than the cause in the bowel. Even if one succeeds in strengthening the weak area or suppressing the symptom, the toxic flow from the bowel will simply find another weak area to break through. As Dr. Jensen puts it, "Every tissue is fed by the blood, which is supplied by the bowel. When the bowel is dirty, the blood is dirty and so on to the organs and tissues." How can I get back my "get up and go"? It is crucial to realize the importance of removing unhealthy bacteria, mold and fungus from the intestinal tract and re-establishing the beneficial bacteria. This flora is essential to a strong immune system, assimilation of vitamins, proteins, fats, carbohydrates and the manufacturing of Vitamin B-12, K and amino acids. It helps reduce cholesterol in the blood, control the pH in the intestines and detoxify the poisonous materials in our diets, while producing cancer-suppressing compounds that strengthen the immune system, increase calcium assimilation and help retard Candida, excess gas and bad breath. When unhealthy bacteria overrun the healthy bacteria, outside pathogens penetrate the immune barriers and clog the blood and lymph with further toxic substance. Proper implantation of healthy bacteria begins with cleansing and removing the harmful bacteria/fungus from the digestive system. A Complete Colon Cleanse/Nutritional Program can prepare the intestinal environment for beneficial bacteria. Water, juice-fasts or colonics by themselves are unable to remove all these substances. There are various preparations that can remove easily accessible build-ups from the colon alone, but for best results it is necessary to cleanse and restore the strong function of the stomach and entire digestive tract. This can only be accomplished by restoring the beneficial flora balance, ridding the system of accumulated waste pockets and introducing highly nutritious raw-live food sources to replace the over abundance of processed/refined foods, meat, dairy, poultry and excessively cooked foods. This is a crucial change for those who are determined to have better health and sustain it for the rest of their life. Our company would love to send you more information regarding cleansing and health through proper nutrition. For a free information pack via snail mail (US postal service) send an email to: herbalcleanse1@netscape.net Or you can call 800-393-7954 Make sure to include your name, mailing address, and telephone number and we'll mail a free info pack right off to you. We do not reply with our extensive information pack through email. Remember, this information only comes via snail mail and your local mailman, so please don't ask for email responses. Remember to include your complete physical address. Thanks and good health. Thank You 3233lpjG1-300QYWT4956Vdvc5-951fEHu9776wfl |
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"Everyday, a gallon of goop. Rope-like stuff and intestine-like stuff." |
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no, i haven't used herbal cleanse or whatever it is. i just thought it was a funny coincidence that i got that spam in my email yesterday, since we've all been discussing our bowel functions. the pill i take sometimes is Super Cleanse. it's about $5 for 50 tablets and i get it at Whole Foods. it doesn't make me poop green ropes. |
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the green ropes need to be pumped out. |
(what can say, ther term is universal today) |
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Hello ! Let me ask you this...which is worse: A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time. B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colorectal cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today. A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colorectal cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them. Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great. But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure having all or part of their lower intestine removed? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around? Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest GI cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding... This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them. ****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals. Let's talk stools. The stool tells you a lot about your bowel health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your lower GI. When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day. Cleansing your lower GI is a 30-day process. No need to change your current diet. Its also very economical at under $52. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of p**p from your body and brightening your future health. People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the intestinal walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results. At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your lower GI, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out. Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself. Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Delivered in non-descript packaging. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand. |
when i think about ass i want it to be pleasant thoughts. |
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i'll remember you said that the next time you post a link to one of those nasty ass porn pictures. |
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I did it on sunday. Yesterday I took 5 shits, all big. Me feel much better today. p.s. Drink lots of water, too. |
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i drink too much water every day - my doctor told me to actually drink less because it's stressing out my kidneys. lots of green tea too, though. like 5 cups a day. yesterday and today i drank a cup of coffee around 8 a.m. and was on the potty an hour later. i used to take a heaping tablespoon of psyllium husk with water every morning, but fell out of the habit. also, sometimes it made me bloated. oatmeal's probably a better solution, but i'm getting fat again and trying to cut out carbs. |
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it never fails. about two days after i start going hardcore atkins, i inevitably end up craving alcoholic beverages. well, i never really go harcore atkins. i can't seem to limit my vegetable intake to 3 cups. i have to eat at least double that. |
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If not used properly, this product could endanger future anal health. Use the plant mister, as recommended,otherwise your health insurance won't cover mishaps. |
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