I was in college and studying for a big test when this jesus freak came up to me and started sweating me about going to heaven. I didn't enjoy being bothered so i sort of gave him a hard time but my questions were honest. i wanted to know, and still do, just exactly what you do in heaven. do you sit around and chill all day. doing what? and you do that forever? do you wear clothes, do you have to sleep or eat, or have a job? if you just hang out forever doesn't that get boring? everything thats ever died is there. people, ants, dogs, whales. crowded place heaven must be. and what about different languages. can chinese people talk to french people in heaven? and what would be the purpose of our time on earth if we are just going to spend forever in heaven sitting around. does heaven end? I asked this guy these questions and his response? "Well, no one really knows" yeah, thanks Einstein. No shit.

according to the christian bible, the afterlife for the 144K worthy people will be in god's fabulous city of gold. This golden city will be located on post-apocalyptic earth. within the city it will be paradise, without it will be the demon hordes of satan and the millions of unworthy souls.

will there be made-up Mary Kay ladies?

Yes, and many doilies

Still doesn't really answer the question of where the best parties will be.

all i can remember from catechism is that "heaven is much better than a birthday party." if my last few birthday parties are anything to go by, heaven doesn't have much to live up to.

When I was little, I didn't want to go to heaven because I was afraid I'd get bored. At least in hell I would be kept busy. (I was also afraid that demons would attack me if I got too good, so I would purposely do bad things to appease the devil *and* get out of going to heaven. I was crazy. I also made myself go to sleep at night by pretending that there was a murderer in the room who would kill me if he saw my eyes open.) Then when I got a little older I decided that heaven was customized for each one of us. My heaven would only have me in it. I would live in a little cottage on the side of a mountain, and angels would visit me during the day. I had read somewhere that there was no night in heaven because God's light was always shining, and that gave me another reason not to want to go there. Now I don't think about those things anymore.

Mary-Kay ladies scare me.

did you know that the pink plastic cases they use are the same material as telephones? that fact has stayed with me since youth.

I can see why that tidbit of info would be retained.That makes them even more scary to me.

i knew a girl once who shaved her eyebrows, and when i asked her why, she said the devil made her do it. the devil has a sense of humor.

A very good sense of humor.

Mary Kay ladies exist here. I dont like pink.

I think thats why they use it,to intimidate.

When I was little, the Hispanic girl next door told me I was going to hell because there was a naked picture of my father in my house. I burned the photo album and had nightmares for weeks about the devil coming and eating me. It was then that I decided I really couldn't hack the religion thing. Whic explains why I went on to be Eastern Orthodox for another ten years after that.

I'd heard he ate people,I just didn't know what critera he used.

I'm sure no one eats anyone else in heaven. I really hope there are no mary kay ladies either. My sister has a friend who is really into aerobics and shit. she drives me nuts. she's always talking about what to eat and what not to eat and "going for runs" and all this health shit. she doesn't even have a nice body. even if she had a nice body i wouldn't eat her because her attitude is so fucking irritating. anyway, if she goes to heaven, i don't wanna be there. If you know what life is worth you would look for yours on earth.

with only 144K people in heaven, you have to think about how that breaks down. I mean, if you don't like JW's now, you're not going to like heaven. hell, on the other hand, is not going to be so bad. as far as i can figure, hell is defined as "that which is not heaven". sounds like a party to me.

our Avon lady in my hood used to call me "sugar" and give me sticks of Big Red gum. she also served as the tupperware lady too.

Whenever I fly, I try to sit next to someone who's overweight,just in case we go down in the mountains.

I read this article about this doctor who was trapped underneath a collapsed building in Mexico after an earthquake. he was stuck for quite sometime and actually resorted to eating his own shit before help finally arrived. If i had a choice between eating my own shit and going to heaven, i'd take heaven. even IF the Avon lady is there.

The ultimate recycling cycle.

motherfucker must have had some bad breath.

she gave everyone gum you dope you know, like most older ladies do. my grandma prefers Double mint.

It probably would have been best for the Dr.,to not have shared that information with others.That would have been a keen example of a good time to let God take credit for his survival. "I have God to thank."The surviving victim stated,with a shit-eating grin.

are you volunteering yourself as the shiteating doctor, patrick, or did you really think i was talking about you?

ooops Big Red is often a remedy for bad breath heheh uhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck this is NOT my day

You really think Big Red is good for bad breath? It tastes good at first, but then I find you get sour cinnamon breath. Altoids and those little Certs dots things work great. Supposedly, chewing on parsley after a meal helps too. But I doubt the good doctor had any around. Otherwise, he could have had a salad with his shit tartar.

someone handed me a tract today when I went to work. it was the most extream one I've ever gotten. the first time I ever got one that literally said: "If you don't believe Jesus Christ is the son of God you will burn in Hell." I thought this was kind of weird. It seems to me that if you don't believe in Jesus Christ and Hell than that's just an empty threat, and if you Do believe in Jesus Christ and Hell, then you don't really Need to be threatened. It's like they're preaching to the choir. I was thinking of writing them a letter and giving them a few tips, but someone threw my tract away.

send them some nuggets from your intestinal tract. i've got a tract, you've got a tract, we all got a tract. i'd rather have e. coli than be a god damn christian

Someone called me "babe" today. No one has ever called me "babe." It was a man in the bookstore. Odd.

I hate it when people call others "guy". A few years ago i was in an aol chat room and some guy with a name like HOTCOP or some shit came in and said, "Who wants to kiss a cop?" I replied, "who wants to shoot a cop?" which i thought was pretty funny. (I really, really hate cops). Then he goes, "watch your mouth guy". like he's going to come through the phone line and arrest me. I like big red but it does make your breath kind of stank after a while. probably not as bad as eating a big piece of corn-eyed-butt-snake though.

the only reason to be in an aol chat room is if you're trying to convince the wrestling fans that WWF means the chat room is for the World Wildlife Fund. A. got a tract left on her car seat (however they got into her car, we don't know.) It said "BEWARE". Freaked the shit out of her. so i ordered up a driveby on kingdom hall.

Babe is the name of a talking pig here.

"Beware"? Wasn't from the CotSG, was it?

no, JW. though that was my first guess.

There was a man who used to walk the streets of London bearing a placard that listed all the things you could rot in hell for, among those were Eggs - now I dont know about you but if everyone goes to hell for eating eggs it must be one STINKY hell-hole. And sorry all you vegetarians, down you go. Time is irrelavant in Heaven, time exists on Earth only. Think of "Q".

I hate eggs.

i hate raw eggs.

I REALLY hate eggs. I haven't eaten eggs in twenty four years and when i did back then it was like a half a forkfull of scrambled eggs. so i'm totally anti egg. last summer i was drunk as hell and on some valiums. i told my friends i'd eat an egg for $10. they know how much i hate eggs and said "hell yeah! they'd give me ten bucks to eat an egg." i was really into mind erasers at the time so i took an egg right out of the fridge, cracked off the top, poured a shot of vodka into the egg, stuck a straw in that bitch and sucked out the contents. next day i didn't even remember it. Thank christ.

i could eat fifty eggs

i fertilize eggs. ($50)

J and I once new a girl who could shoot eggs out of her wolfer.She was a big hit at all parties.

i dated a guy once who could fit an entire bag of jumbo marshmallows in his mouth without vomitting.

"wolfer" ??? this is a new one for me

It's between her legs,like wussy,you know.

That's a really distressing image.

lily tomlin has gotten really old.

$50 is pretty cheap for insemination. Much better value than the sperm banks. Are you charging by the inch?

No, by the quart. Takers?

Moxy Fruvous does a really rip-roaring version of "Green Eggs and Ham".

I was served an egg salad in a restaurant the eggs were not just bad but BAD, I quietly told the waitress who took the plate away and returned it with the eggs merely scraped off........ the smell still lingered, how special is that!!

Last night I played darts, no big deal right? Wrong! I played great. Think I have just found my vocation........... if I only could remember to push that red button. Cricket anyone.......

I can't eat anything if so much as the smell of an egg touched it. I never get breakfast sandwiches at fast food places cause i know they only take off the egg and the sausage or bacon or whatever still has egg residue on it. when i was a kid my mom tried to get me to eat eggs by hiding them in between two pancakes. i didn't fall for that shit. that egg smell y'know. I went by my parents house one day and my dad was eating an egg sandwich. it was so nasty he was wearing a bib to keep all the juice and embryo off his shirt. i read this thing about these one thousand year old eggs that they eat in china. bout the grossest thing i've ever seen. chinese people confuse me.

I opened something in my fridge today. Joe had left it there. I have no idea what it once was. I am traumatized.

<<I never get breakfast sandwiches at fast food places cause i know they only take off the egg and the sausage or bacon or whatever still has egg residue on it.>> they can't do that. when they make their sandwiches, they have all the food prepared and then slap it together when you order it. no One ingredient touches another until you make your order. They have to do it that way because someone might be alergic to one of the ingredients and if there's "residue" on the sandwich the store could get in trouble. last time I was in california Calr's Jr had a yummy sourdough breakfast sandwich. I wonder if they still have it.

ln (l think it's) Thailand, don't they do that thing where they take fertilized duck eggs, which already have the little duck-embryo forming inside, with tiny bones and just-beginning feathers and organs and all, and marinate them in steeped tea, and serve them as snacks, in convenience stores, or through street vendors, like with pretzels or hotdogs or roasted nuts, in the States? l swear this is true.

A lot of places do that with various creatures, actually. Kind of like circus peanuts. Except different.

I think these thousand year old eggs just achieved some sort of righteous funk that the people enjoyed. I don't know if the chick had developed to any extent inside. they were just these really disgusting black eggs. i have seen things like that were the chicken has started to grow inside. People must like the way they go "crunch".

An old love of mine, told me that when he was in the Phillipines,that they sold those kind of eggs,fertilized,partially developed,soaked in something,[don't remember what,but they ended up a black color],and buried for about 7 years.They were considered a real delicacy,and were kinda pricey.He said that street vendors would call out, in strong resonant voices "Balloos, Balloos".Not sure of the spelling,but I'll never forget the sound of the word,we used to yell it out during sex. He never ate one,but said that they looked quite unappetizing.People eat some weird shit.

fuck you all. disgusting bitches.

yeah, thats it. now i remember. i saw that shit on "Thats Incredible" when I was a kid. they used to bury the fucking things. i mean honestly, how good could anything buried for seven years taste? disgusting bitches. i did love "Thats Incredible" though.

And to think some people think I,m sick because I like pork rinds.A friend of mine left this message on my phone the other day..J,put down those pork rinds and beer,and pick up the phone!! I was home but I didn,t care for that so he is just going to have to wait.

I think I know who that friend is. This guy my s/o works with,takes a "heart healthy" walk every day,he walks a mile and a half to some little country store,buys a half pound of fresh cracklins[fried pig skins]and munches them all the way home.Its so refreshing to know there are such health conscious folks out there.

pork rinds are good for you. fuck the man.

what about The Woman? Doesn't she get a little satisfaction too?

i thought The Woman got satisfaction from knowing that the man has been fucked.

I just came back from the snack room here at work and they have this "Double pork sandwich" that you can buy out of the vending machine for $1.50. how gross is that. thats worse than circle K food. How hungry do you have to be to eat a pork sandwich out of a vending machine? do you really think it's going to taste good? christ. better than eating your own shit i guess.

Some people do eat their own shit,not for survival,just because they are sick bastards.

coprophagous - *adj.* feeding on dung, as certain beetles. coprophilia - *n.* *psychiatry.* an extreme interest in feces. The coprophage shat on a plate and ate it, exclaiming "mmm, that's my rich substance." - W.S. Burroughs.

Any cookbooks out there for this shit?

You know, I am deeply distressed by the thought of someone screaming out the name of a Thai delicacy involving buried eggs during orgasm. This said, there are cookbooks for this shit. But I refuse to link to them. My keyboard would collapse.

Yea,my neighbors didn't care for all the noise,either.

I'll bet. I hate neighbors sometimes. They never let us have any fun.

coprophilia: http://www.guidemag.com/magcontent/invokemagcontent.cfm?ID=E6B2CF08-031D-11D4-AD990050DA7E046B&Method=guidefulldisplay

Did Burroughs write "The Junky's Christmas"? I remember seeing a claymation special of that on Bravo! and it's really interesting. I'd like to read it.

yes he did. burroughs in claymation. now i have a vision of davy and goliath shooting up in an alleyway somewhere. somewhere out there there's a live-action version of that story by francis ford coppola starring burroughs himself.

I love burroughs in "Drugstore Cowboy". I remember reading one of the early lines in "Naked Lunch" where he says he could stare at his shoelaces for 8 hours. I never understood that until i did "junk" as he calls it. pretty accurate description of the drug. JUNK.

yeah, one time i had sex in an elephant skull.

I didn't realize your penis was that big.

me either.

Well how did the elephant feel about it?

elephants are the only animal that can't jump. whatever the fuck that means.

That means white men are direct descendants of elephants.

ever hear that record Burroughs did with K.Cobain....The Junky Priest? it's jusrt Kurt on guitar...and Burroughs reciting his well known Junky Priest story...ergo his role in drugstore cowboy....it was a popular role for him

Elephants don't have to jump.Everything gets out of their way.

I knew a girl who went to school her whole life to be a zoologist/vet and got out of college and went to work at a zoo. like three months into her job she was killed by an elephant. thing just freaked out i guess. ever see that video from when that elephant went crazy at a circus in hawaii. stormed the streets and eventually they had like twenty five cops pumping bullets into it. They probably felt really tough doing that. cops eat cock.

hey bitch, i'm a cop

Ever take logic? -if A then B sort of stuff. you fell right into that one.

so shut up and eat cock man

you have a problem with people who eat cocks Jay?

actually eating them? maybe homos who suck them? no, as long as it isn't mine cops who eat cock because they're cops? yes

what about cops who eat cock because they're homos?

What about cops who eat cock in the line of duty?

No such thing as having to eat cock in the line of duty. That's just what we tell the new recruits.

what about cocks who eat cops for breakfast?

Shit. You mean I signed that 16 year contract for nothing?

to divert back to an earlier comment: I prefer the version of Junky's Christmas that Burroughs did with the Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy. Actually, that whole album they did "Spare Ass Annie and other Tales" was pretty damn good. i miss that band.

television, the drug of the nation..

have you seen that picture on tools aenima album of the guy eating his own cock? one thing that definitely eats cock Television. it eats big hairy ones. stop watching tv for one week and you'll be surprised how much better you feel. think of all the shit you're exposed to against your will thru television. the only reason anyone or anything is considered important or cool is because the important and cool people on tv tell you they're important and cool. avoid tv and decide for yourself whats important and cool. you'll soon find your about the most important and coolest motherfucker around.

Religion is the drug, Marx owns that one. Television is the boil on the arse of society.

Now this is something I can relate too... way back when living in London, England I did not have a telly, my personal choice, I listened to the radio all the time, and believe me there were few choices, my favorite radio show was "Book at Bedtime" from the B.B.C. which came on at 10pm every night with one chapter of the book. I became obsessed with finding out what happened - kinda like T.V. I then stopped listening to the radio and started playing cards, board games, remember when you did that? I have instilled in my son the fact that the telly is not the be-all and end-all of the universe. His vice is the computer........ the new telly. Whats next? Hey maybe reading a book sans telly, radio and 'puter is the next new thing. Dont ask me! I am on the puter...............

Religion is the drug, Marx owns that one. Television is the boil on the arse of society.

Oh, I neglected to say that I did not watch "the tube" for 4 years.. did I miss it? No, the library became my telly, still is. How many people out there has a library card? Now there is a great neglected resource. I love my library. You should too!!!

I work in television. Does that mean I get to be important and cool without turning the box off?

so if television is the boil on the arse of society and you by your own admission "work in television" then that puts you.........where?

By the way, I can't remember ever telling anyone I was important and/or cool. But I'll be putting out an email about it any second now.

It makes me honest. Just because I work in an industry, doesn't mean I can't criticise the hell out of it.

I'm sorry. i just have a thing about tv. people wonder how i can get along without it. i'm like, it's not fucking oxygen. it really is the ultimate psychic vampire. i mean people come home and just sit there watching it. it requires nothing. you just take in what you're fed. kind of scary if you ask me. think of all the productive shit you could be doing instead. i do watch football and basketball and shit. don't get me wrong, but fuck sitcoms.

Droopy, I'm pretty sure (but not posative) that the show you're talking about is the same one I'm talking about. at the beginning they show the author taking the book out and he narrates the whole story. at the end they show him joining his family for christmas festivities. I'm pretty sure. His voice is perfect for the story. when I was at work I found one of his books and I flipped through it. I could hear his voice in my head when I read the words.

what about about that other glowing box, with the dazzling lights and colors you are looking at..... .....hmmmm you know.......it's all black and white here, with the occasional yellow. When did mark take the colored chalk away?????

this one is full of science and art and wonderful people like yourselves if i choose it to be. a far cry form television.

Nate, you are wrong about the 144,000 being in heaven...the 144,000 are the Jewish converts after the Antichrist has risen to power and the 2 witnesses are on earth. God does not limit heaven to 144,000, but He offers it to everyone...if you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior.

How is Kentucky this time of year?

THAT'S BULLSHIT, THUMPER. YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.

Your going to hell... And then your going to die boy... Fuckin people and their pressing of organized religion.

At least I'm going to HELLE.

You can all go to hell.Just nobody better even try to take my seat.Its right up front,where I'll easily be able to volunteer,for any audience participation activities.

fuck heaven. fuck hell. mark my words, heaven and hell begins when you're born and ends when you're dead. grow up, little monkeys.

oooo ooooo ooooo ooooo aaahhh ahhhh aahhhhhh.