from one coast to another and back again. i am considering a move again. this time to Atlanta georgia. wonder if any sorabji goers live here. it seems there are a few of us in every state and country. i am going to pursue my craft and the means to support myself. going to the portfolio center and to live with my friend joshua (for those following the kymical chronicles josh was the missing member in the new york fiasco.) he has offered me a place to stay and vegi/vegan food to eat, smokes and his company. which of my many friends i savor the most. josh has an astetic and redeeming value i don't have in all of my friends. but the only task i have is telling my parents about this choce. as with many of my failed moving attempts that they have fished me out of they are weary of my "flighty" spirit, and will probably be against it. the delima, to tell them in advance of my plans (even tho it will sound quite sudden to them) or do i just leave one day and never come back? (sigh) when you try not to step on anyone's toes, you find yourself standing in one spot.

Tell them. Just taking off one day without saying a word is cruel.

My sister just joined Job Corps. They're sending her to North Carolina, and that's where she wanted to go. Warmer climate, and away from here. I'm a little jealous, but I'm dead proud of her. I would LOVE to go to Chapel Hill: it's beautiful and Ben Folds Five are from there. I would go buy a beer, sit on a curb, and contemplate. She's going to get a job skill, they're going to pay her, give her extra money for clothes, a dorm, and extra money to do fuckall. I was born in Georgia. Southern area tho, near Savannah. Mom has been to Atlanta, and she liked it. In the south in summertime it gets hot as hell, and then out of nowhere it'll rain, and it'll be warm, with the biggest droplets for like 5 minutes and then stop. There's fire ants there too. If they bite you, they'll give you this blister. I don't see myself being a graphic designer all my life. Well, I will design, just not in the same area. Logos to video games, video games to chair designs, like the Bauhaus or something. I would love to take contracts and go places like England. I told this to my husband too. He thought it was cool. He's a computer programmer, so he could do just the same, contract work. He's really fucking cute too. And smart. I've said too much. I hope you read through all this Kym. I agree with Gee too. Tell them.

Yeah, you should at least have the consideration to mention it--it sounds like you interact with them frequently and that they've bailed you out a lot. Maybe too often. But who am I to judge. Even if it's just to say that you're taking your own responsibility for what happens here, you should tell them. Not too much of a dilemma, I hope.

there is this impending doom feeling. my father has always had this hold over me. a financial hold. he has money and he will bail me out of things because usually the trouble i get into is financial. never legal, never sexual, never herbal. i am just bad with money. when i told him that i had taken a week off of work to go to Dallas to get the rest of my stuff, play a show and wish my friend Patrick a happy birthday *side note* every year since i have known Pat he and i celebrate our birthdays together and get really drunk and tell people to shove it. it is a beautifl thing, tradition. ** my father raised his eyebrow and said "you mean you are taking off work without pay?" like duh. he was not pleased that i was going to go back to dallas and goof off (by his standards) and miss a week of work without pay. then he decideds that instead of 1200 i now owe him 5000 dollars. no, that isn't true. my father sat me down for a chat like a mafia boss and laid the numbers out in front of me that he had invested 5000 dollars into me and said he didn't want to dissuade me in any way just making me aware of what is on the table here. that it is possible that when i came back i could owe him 5000 dollars. plus he and i have been locking horns since i have been here. i am older now and realize there is a higher law than my father. he knows he is losing grip on the fear he has on me. i know he is mortal and i know i can say things to hurt him, i know he is not faster than a speeding bullet and that he has to sleep sometime. i don't know. i really want to go to georgia, but i don't want the judgement from my father. my mother is hopped up on medication i don't think she notices that i am not her little girl anymore. she isn't too afeected by what i do it seems, she just wishes i would do something with my hair. that is the only thing she seems to talk to me about. that and how clothes look on me. i don't like the idea of burning bridges especially with my family. but it is like i don't really know how to take a stand here. to say that this isn't working and that i have to move forward, i am not accomplishing much here and i have opprotunities on the horizion. i will lie, cheat, steal, maim to get into school whatever it takes. i know he will not pay a red nickle for my education anymore. i know i have to pay him all the money i can until i am debt free. i know i can break free of this tyranny.

look where i am... in georgia... strangely enough. working in mailroom. i feel almost (not quite tho) like michael j fox in "the secret to my success." only i don't work in a major corp mailroom. just one that handles internatinal mail. disappointed in atlanta actually. realized that i only want to be in new york. itching to start at the portfolio center so i can be making enough money to live there. going to ireland sumer of 2001. me and my other catholic friend think it is our calling. is it so wrong to want a nice thurough bred irish boy? comments?

why are you disapointed with atlanta? what have you done?

Richard Wright worked in a mailroom. Go on to greatness, Kymical!

was wondering about you Kym. Good Luck in ATL. Kick Ted Turner for me.

[when I think of atlanta, I think of "gone with the wind."] "oh," though scarlett, with the first feeling of real pleasure she had experienced since the barbecue, "I'm going to like it here! it's so alive and exciting!" ... she felt better now than she had felt in months. atlanta, with its crowds and its hurry and its undercurrent of driving excitement, was very pleasant, very exhilarating, ... there was something ... raw and crude that appealed to the rawness and crudeness [in] her. --------------------------------------------- [I'm so fucking sick of that word "despair." it's been my theme. but I like that it has at least two adjectival forms -- "desperate" and "despondent." I'm despondent.] ashley said "good-by" very softly, caught up from the table the felt hat she had inveigled from rhett and walked into the dark front hall. his hand on the door knob, he turned and looked at her, a long, desperate look, as if he wanted to carry away with him every detail of her face and figure. through a blinding mist of tears she saw his face and with a strangling pain in her throat she knew that he was going away, away from her care, ... out of her life, perhaps forever, without having spoken the words she so yearned to hear. ... "I love you," she said, choking. "I've always loved you. I've never loved anybody else. ... "ashley, say you love me! I'll live on it the rest of my life!" he bent suddenly to retrieve his hat and she had one glimpse of his face. it was the unhappiest face she was ever to see, a face from whcih all aloofness had fled. written on it were his love for her and joy that she loved him, but battling them both were shame and despair.

Scarlett was "wrong" to ask Ashley to say if he loved her, we know that now... he loved her and wanted her in that way that you do if you cannot have what you want. in that time anyhow. that's what makes Scarlett such a great character, and such a great film. a person who speaks their mind, out loud, when everything around them tells them you should not. Cyst, you are a brilliant, dramatic and beautiful person. this is your place, to say what you want, without reservation, and sometimes you will get cruel respones, no doubt. i just want you to know, you have recently reminded me of my deeper self (my female-side) and i really HATE reducing myself to my genitalia, but sometimes you cannot help it, and i thank you for that. i am with you

i live down the street from the gone with the wind memorial place. it is the author's house, restored and marked as a landmark of some kind. the sad thing is that i found it while trying to find a bar. <grin> i have done nothing except look for work that isn't computers. apparently i am worthless unless i do computer work. you learn something new. i am starting a new portfolio since the one i had planned was destroyed. (sigh) i have learned to trust no one. oh and ted turner. i spit on his park everytime i pass it. that fucker. he can kiss my sherries! the band is supposed to be planning a southern and eastern coast tour for the end of this month into august when we are "supposedly" leaving for Germany. the boys just don't seem to understand that Ireland is where i want to be, or new york. or with some cute Euro trash guy who smokes unfiltered cigarettes and likes talking about musical and sexual theory. but that is irrelivent. for all that understand and/or care, Bowie says hello and fuck the french. i need a fix, i just don't know of what.

thank you, . I got so carried away. I think today I'm finally mostly over it. it ended two weeks ago, and today I feel like everything is going to be ok anyway. today we exchanged e-mail about normal stuff, the new sarah vowell and philip roth and ridley scott. I just remembered that when he came to see me, he picked me up. I was standing on my bed, and he was standing on the floor, his face touching me in that space between my underwear and navel. he wrapped his arms around my body, around my ass, and pulled me off the bed. I slid down him real slow so his mouth and face got to a chance to visit with my chest and my shoulders and neck before I had to be put down. then I stood before him, my arms around his neck, where they belong, our bodies aligned because we're both the size of superheroes, and we kissed like in a movie.

how is it that you can be so fortunate and so pathetic all at once?

I'm not fortunate, just drunk and pathetic.

nahhh. you're all 3.

by now, you're fortunate, pathetic and dehydrated. drink some water.

Your all good Cyst,you just pick bad guys.I think deep down you don,t want to get really involved with anyone so you kind of pick these guys on purpose.Does this make sense?

I'm just picky. I love you, though, j.