Right now, I am listening to a lawm mover

sorabji.com: What are you listening to?: Right now, I am listening to a lawm mover
By R.C. on Monday, January 5, 1998 - 06:20 pm:
    The most OBSCENELY LOUD lawnmower in the history of the Western world! I've got headphones on/listening to Sinatra in front of some rather loud brass arrangements & THE FUCKING LAWNMOVER is STILL LOUDER than the CD! It's dark outside! Why is this idiot cutting his grass now? It's winter! The sound is making me feel sick... like someone started a fire in my stomach. And I feel really dizzy... I wanna do lie down/but the headphones won't reach to the bed. And the scar on my head is throbbing... GOD, I wish I didn't have neighbors! I hope John Deere is dead & that he ended up sliced & diced by one of his own machines!
By Holden on Monday, January 5, 1998 - 07:18 pm:
    Your hopes have come true, R.C.! John Deere is most certainly dead as a doornail, and in fact has probably decayed to a point where even some of his bones are crumbling. Can't say for sure it was from being sliced and diced by one of his own machines, though. Even so, it is exciting to note that the 1997 John Deere Agricultural Equipment introduction is the largest in their 159-year history!

    Not bad for a dead guy, huh? I'm alive, pretty much, and I had no such triumphant product introductions for 1997. But 1998 is a new year, right? Anyway...

    The John Deere Grounds Care division, which manufactured the fucking lawnmower mentioned in your missive, warrants your neighbor's mower will be available for obscenely loud use in the dark during the winter for far longer than any competitor's fucking mower.

    While the sound makes you sick and dizzy feeling multiplies, R.C., remember, when you see green and yellow, think tough, reliable, and let me emphasize, long lasting. Please R.C., take my advice and stay away from your local showroom. If you think the scar on your head is throbbing now, just think what would happen if you would see a display of the latest machines there, with breathtaking new options and, for a short time only, special prices on the world's most trusted lawn mowers.

    With the proven reliability and durability of their products, we know that nothing runs like a Deere. I might suggest that you offer to pave your neighbors lawn, painting it a lovingly realistic true to life green. You might then ask your neighbor to allow the contractors, who lay the new long lasting stylish green concrete, to fill the John Deere mower full on concrete, thereby lowering substantially the fabled generation to generation life of these fine products.

    Here's to better living through chemistry and Portland concrete! Please take an aspirin and a nap. Tomorrow is another day!
By Scylly on Monday, January 5, 1998 - 07:44 pm:
    Oh. I see we are talking about lawn mowers here. I thought it was going to be about Lawm Movers. Sounds like the name of a band, that. ("She's about a Lawm Mover...")
By R.C. on Monday, January 5, 1998 - 09:31 pm:
    :) Thank you, Holden/that was sweet. (Some people can write 'funny' about Anything!) I closed my window/put on the a.c. & collapsed into bed. He stopped about 7 min. later (I was counting the seconds!) & I fell asleep until 15 min. ago. (Note that the owner of that beastly machine wears earphones -- not slender little Sennheiser headphones as I wear/to enhance my listening experience/but, gnarly, round, metal earphones with an inch of black cushioning/to MUFFLE the sound & protect HIS ears. Yet his neighbors are not provided with any such aural armour.) And his yard's not big enough to need a John Deere rider mower! (Don't they have min. acreage requirements for the purchase of those things!) Anyway/my stomach's still kinda nauseous now -- I'm making some peppermint tea. But my head's okay. Jeez... that scared the crap outta me. I've NEVER gotten SICK from a sound before! I guess I shd tell my neurologist...
By Tucker on Monday, March 16, 1998 - 12:07 am:
    nice headphones