Your hopes have come true, R.C.! John Deere is most certainly dead as a doornail, and in fact has probably decayed to a point where even some of his bones are crumbling. Can't say for sure it was from being sliced and diced by one of his own machines, though. Even so, it is exciting to note that the 1997 John Deere Agricultural Equipment introduction is the largest in their 159-year history!
Not bad for a dead guy, huh? I'm alive, pretty much, and I had no such triumphant product introductions for 1997. But 1998 is a new year, right? Anyway...
The John Deere Grounds Care division, which manufactured the fucking lawnmower mentioned in your missive, warrants your neighbor's mower will be available for obscenely loud use in the dark during the winter for far longer than any competitor's fucking mower.
While the sound makes you sick and dizzy feeling multiplies, R.C., remember, when you see green and yellow, think tough, reliable, and let me emphasize, long lasting. Please R.C., take my advice and stay away from your local showroom. If you think the scar on your head is throbbing now, just think what would happen if you would see a display of the latest machines there, with breathtaking new options and, for a short time only, special prices on the world's most trusted lawn mowers.
With the proven reliability and durability of their products, we know that nothing runs like a Deere. I might suggest that you offer to pave your neighbors lawn, painting it a lovingly realistic true to life green. You might then ask your neighbor to allow the contractors, who lay the new long lasting stylish green concrete, to fill the John Deere mower full on concrete, thereby lowering substantially the fabled generation to generation life of these fine products.
Here's to better living through chemistry and Portland concrete! Please take an aspirin and a nap. Tomorrow is another day!
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