| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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i watched the rest of it tonight. i enjoyed it. it frightened me in the way that things sometimes do. like american beauty frightened me when i was gearing up to marry A. had i seen this moving when i first saw american beauty, i would have gone nuts. seriously. the feeling that i am doing a disservice to myself living the life i lead crosses my mind occasionally. things i value cause it, art and people. i feel like even though i am doing the things that people do when they do well, in good order and at a good pace, i am not doing well. i'm not doing the right things because the right things are not the things that people value. the right things are the things that individuals value. i felt this more when i was with A. she held me away from myself. not her really, the way i loved her held me away from myself. my personal need to keep her happy. it's funny how long two people so wrong for each other can be together by ignoring their personal needs. she was frustrated because the effort she went through to make me happy was never enough, and i was frustrated because the effort i went through to make her happy was never enough. it took us years to step back and realize that neither was what the other really wanted. even with great effort. so that was one step away, one step towards. the a leap, when i started talking to heather. not only does she want me to be myself, she likes this crazyness. not only does she understand these feelings, she wants them. she wants to BE, in that indescribeable way that some people simply understand and some people simply don't. when you talk to someone about a movie and they describe all of your thoughts to you before you say a word, you feel connected. when you're not talking about a movie but rather your most fundemental and basic tennets of life philosophy, you feel like the bell that has been rung. and not a little tinkle bell or jingle bell, but the heaviest, most finely tuned cathedral bell. DONNGGGGGGG. your fiber vibrates, your innermost point to the tips of your extremities. everything together, building on itself. DONNNGGGGG. this is what heather did. to sit here now and feel like nothing is holding me back. i enjoyed that movie. a year ago it would have made me insane. |
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