Ok here it is. It's long and the punchline is ultimately unsatisfying. You'll wonder why you spent the time to read(hear) it - and for that reason, it's fun as hell to tell people. You've been warned. A group of monks needed to buid an addition to their abbey. They didn't have much money in their coffers, so they put their heads together and thought and thought of a way to raise money. Finally, one of the monks jumped up and said," We can sell flowers! Not only can we raise much-needed funds, but we can also spread the beauty of God's creation for all of those poor feudal peasants to enjoy." So the monks planted gardens, picked flowers and sold. And sold. And sold some more. Pretty soon, the local village florists were feeling the pinch. So they formed a coalition and went to speak to the monks. They sat at a table with the Abbot and made their case: "We realize you are raising money for a good cause, but you are driving us out of business. There's plenty of room for all of us in the village. Could you please just tone down your flower selling?" "I'm terribly sorry," answered the Abbot, "But you must realize that we are doing this for the glory of God. We cannot slacken our efforts." So the monks continued to dominate the flower market and the poor village florists continued to pinch pennies and tighten their belts. They sent another delegation to the abbey a few months later, but the Abbot gave them a similar answer. Finally, the florists sent a delegation to the warlord Hugh the Terrible. Hugh was too busy harassing a neighboring kigdom to go himself. Besides, how tough can it be to rough up a bunch of pansy monks? So he agreed to send his youngest son Albert to talk to them in exchange for 40% of the florists net profits over the next year. Albert took his toughest men and rode up to the gate of the abbey. They burst through the gate and started to raze the petunias and tulips. The monks sounded the alarm bell. They took up their rakes and hoes and fought off Albert and his henchmen. Hugh was not happy. He had older son Wallace beat Albert and his men to a pulp. After that warm-up, Wallace and his men rode to the abbey and stormed the gates. They trampled some daffodils, but the monks once again took up gardening implements and fought off the bandits. Hugh was furious. He was losing respect amongst his fellow warlords. So he summoned his most trusted men and rode their magnificent war horses to the abbey. With one mighty fist he knocked down the gates. Then he and his men proceeded to beat the snot out of the monks. Not a single friar was spared a severe beating, after which each and every one was made to swear not to sell any more flowers. The village florists were elated. Once again they could pratice the trade they loved. They gladly paid Hugh his money and the monks never sold another flower. The moral of the story is: It's Hugh, and only Hugh that can prevent florist friars.

LMAO

GROOAAAAAN! must commit to memory!

So, what did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one, with everything."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

This is my absolute favorite joke... (WARNING!!! It's a groaner) Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A: Where's my tractor?

Wow that's just about as good as MY joke! Q: What did the stop sign say to the road? A: That's a nice orange.

Aarrgh! what manner of hellish beast have I unleashed?! Q: What's the difference between a duck?

Hey, you made that one up on the spot!

How many surrealists does it take to skin a telegraph pole when the ground is inside out? Half a teabag.

It's not the difference between a duck - it's the differece between an orange!

I hope you're not thinking of an orange orange, but the orange stripes on the road. Nice orange!

Purple?

How do you make a tissue dance??? You put a little boogey in it!

The monk joke was just a tad more funny than the tissue joke. ;)~

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You can hide your own Easter Eggs!