| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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Friend #1 1) Diorama of a Christ hike 2) Canopy scented wolverine sippi-mug 3) Voice activated saucer-crab decal 4) Leaping scallops poster (distance textured) 5) Belt-of-the-sauce exploratory voucher 6) Newt lair, original wrapper (Blue Jacket collection), what the fuck sup now? 7) Jason Priestley brand kidney stucco 8) New Guinea clapping pole (pre-release) 9) Snickering magnet school musk ox mascot (or regular tapir of space-time) 10) Remote controlled canine wheat (for my face) 11) A Marmot-back ride alongside the hill of the known universe Friend #2 1) Top-The-Tater Hat Embroidery 2) Glutamate (Extra-Brite) 3) Four foot tall padded toilet seat (Broom Scented - preferred) 4) Super Mayonaisse Repair Kit 5) 32 Karat Carrot Cart 6) A Magic Deck With Only Mana, Lifegain & Hurricanes 7) Thladglowatcha 8) Neil Armstrong's Toenails (as many as you can muster) 9) A Fifty Course meal with Marlon Brando (complete with post-dinner-mint) 10) Applesauce Enema Gift Certificate 11) Neutrino speedo 12) Whoops Kitty & Hello Kitty (entire catalog) 13) Why ask why? I'd like a Whitman Skyy... 14) My own country music station 15) That extra oomph! Friend #3 1) A basket of Balkans 2) Rhesus-flavored number buttons 3) Pakistan 4) All 42 "tender viddles" varieties (cases only please) 5) A new piece of flesh-toned plastic casing 6) Amoxicillin flakes 7) rarity 8) SLIP, HOP, WHIP, PORRIDGE 9) A Kevlar kitty 10) No Blame 11) "Whip 'n' Chastise" Paper tube playset 12) Mold lust couplings 13) Unnatural ones with frescoed interiors 14) Yiiiip! Bastard! Yiiiiiip! 15) Bob "Yowder" Kimpton's Sternocleidomastoid Care Pak 16) All the munchkin love you can fit in a smelter 17) Mandatory seed quests 18) Helen Reddy appreciator enhancer goggles 19) Flonase 20) Hermetically sealed luck token & bobby pin maximizer I haven't done mine yet... |
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10) Fisher Price Table Saw 9) Make-Me-Wet Barbie 8) Hellraiser 5: The Backstreet Boys in Hell 7) Darth Maul office briefcase 6) Hickory Farms Newt & Slug variety pack 5) Marilyn Manson: The Christmas album 4) Crack Addiction for Dummies 3) Nerf Vaginal Sponge 2) Walker, Texas Ranger the Home Game 1) Mystic Remora |
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10) A sharp stick in the eye 9) A single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man's hat 8) Argon...all of it. 7) A nice card from my Grandma 6) Any available remixes of Cher's "Believe". Can't get enough o' that great tune. 5) A Mason Jar filled with bees 4) A platoon of irritated Marines 3) A gassy Basset hound 2) Controlling interest in a prosthetic-limb manufacturing concern 1) A steaming bowl of ammonia-noodle soup. |
1) My two front teeth 2) My two front teeth 3) My two front teeth 4) My two front teeth 5) My two front teeth 6) My two front teeth 7) My two front teeth 8) My two front teeth 9) My two front teeth 10) My two front teeth. 11) Ad infinitum |
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Friend #7 11 nail clippings of the rich and famous 10 wanderlust 9 peanut butter nipplettes by brach 8 smut filled marmkins and their hobos 7 a gaggle of mormons (wife duplicating set not included) 6 "lil' diggers" family nosepicking hopscctch game 5 blair witch chia 4 a shrimp knee harness 3 bill clintons new book "i may have had an affair, but my hair looks good, don't it, dammit?" 2 clogged follicle set with super suck whitehead popper 1 my very own drug lord Friend #8 Brought to you by the letter "S"... "The Shining" collectable trading card game Sopa tiger Smack, not the little kiddie honey covered sugar crap, but the REAL thing (I've got a needle, and I'm not afraid to use it, babee). Science, the complete edition Shiveree So many nottles, so little time Sp "Shine--the Movie" action set, with real Rachmaninov "Spittle blaster"tm She sells sea shells down by the sea shore, dinah shore, dinah won't you blow, dinah won't you blow, dinah won't you blow your horn And lastly...Special limited edition "Chrisopher Reeves is still my Superman" Viagra valu-pac Friend #9 10. Edie Brickell Clit Simulation CD-ROM 9. The new Panterra release, "Hail Ye Fracophonic Realms, My Have You Hummed Close To Me" 8.The entire script of the unpublished film by Stephen Hawking: "What Bananas Do In the *th World" 7. A Versimilitude of Vulvian Vulgar Bunnies with the Crutch on top! 6. Ben and Jerry;s newest flavor: Anti-Fungal WHupp-Ass Applicator Creme Tart-Filled Fudge 5. An entire tour on the inside of Kitaro's non-cellular cells 4. Vacation package Xf441-d: An N-decade slumber on the edge of Fat Albert's Ass 3. The Psyllocillibin COnstruction Set for Grey Toddlers, ages fhfh-7*(4 2. "Hey, Marfa, Whatcha Gonna DO About those Cars, those Cars" 1. The Official Topography-Destroying Penile Ray Gun Prosthesis And my NUMBER 0 Christmas Wish is.... ....The Body of A Neo-Venezuelan Cartographer...... |
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and a papa and strangely enough they're from edinburgh |
PRELUDE 1. bootleg CD: Lou Reed covering the theme music to Galaga 2. outlet-licking cat (available in A/C, D/C, calico, and XL) 3. Dekalb brand testicle de-gausser 4. Mxs. Percy Tuscadero, inflatable pool waitress with USB port 5. Ben Affleck in crushed tablet form OPENING STANZA 6. bearded, groaning salsa 7. hepatitis-free PCBs 8. risqué ultrasound images from East Des Moines 9. Taco Bell stuffed chihuahua #13c: "Amoxized Tungsten Lately, Se?or?" 10. zirconium tampons embroidered with the Northern Codes RISING ACTION 11. boll weevil mascara kit (magnifico! fantastique! wunderbar!) 12. amaretto hexane pour homme 13. trestle device involving s'mores 14. bust of Clifton, the much-adored Ferengi harpist 15. bumper sticker: Savvy Infants Don't Need No Mom – Fuck, They Just Go To Breastmilk.Com 16. tooth fairy residue (harnessed by Cargill) 17. Pokemon-flavored rib balm for conestoga rides 18. snap-together Trinity 19. TCBY Galapagoan turtle-shit sundae 20. self-winterizing magnesium-tipped Doppler toothpick with autogyro, from REI CLIMAX 21. Sino-Beiruti cheerio chariots 22. trout mask replica 23. 8-track: Arbor Day Caroling with Nut Bob and The St. Olaf JV Choir 24. l'il packets of cyanocilta, iacocca, and torah 25. Lockheed tuemph 26. Key Largo surface-to-air mistletoe 27. hand-held drinking mug!!!!! 28. paddle ball litigation files of Appalachia 29. Lego femur / styrofoam nose 2-pak 30. Tupac 4-pak FAUX DENOUEMENT 31. seeing-eye cream soda 32. autographed poster of Long Duck Dong (of Sixteen Candles fame!) 33. knitted grotto cones 34. Kandi & Erma, The Lactating Tundra Humpers 35. backdumped milliseconds (playable on a high hat) SECOND CLIMAX 36. Fairfax-style swivel earplug holster 37. Xerxes Engebretson, The Buccaneer Heiress 38. ultra-erotic colors: boob-job catheter turquoise, cascado bleu flambé 39. soft-shelled crabapple legs 40. temperature-announcing polystyrene beret (voice of Ally Sheedy!) 41. manual: Applying a Flintstones Vitamin Topically 42. the extraordinary home life of Carmella Linn-Baker 43. ham sandwich w/ oothic slats 44. hybrid jeux: euchre bocci and chess-style red rover red rover 45. minty gluons and/or uterine bilge pump DENOUEMENT 46. WAN cabling for feudal moats 47. regurgitated Tina Yothers flesh chunk disguised as a blue M&M 48. iterations... iterations... iterations... FWOOMP! 49. gorgeous kernels of Tipk 50. brunette quiche APPENDIX 51. origami debit card 52. daftness 53. unspecified flotation device 54. no. 9, and his twin #9, and their dad Ronny 55. daftness (b) 56. ibid et al; joni joni 57. this is all a nested loop; go to Line 1 |
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THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS Remember, HUM the tune as you read the following, don't read as text... On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... A horsecock in a gold crib On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Two pounds of ass On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Three smokehouse deacons On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Four of Frankie's Festoons On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Five gigabyte Suck-Disks of Love! On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Six roaming towns On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Seven Truskian Chits On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Eight wanderlust doors On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Nine sacks of rusted, fungal gate watchers On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Ten nightengale titties On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Eleven souls of Vlad On the last day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Twelve Hittite Cubists Eleven Songs of Parliament Ten Geezer Tourists Nine Soaked-Up Samurai Eight Egg-Yoke Serenades Seven Scratchy Slut-Homes Six Seven Six Niners Five Flinging Fucktomes Four Fortress Fingerers Three Totalian Tigresses Two Thermal Tongues and One Celibate Bitch! HAPPY HOLIDAYS From the "Legacy of Sumerian Dental Dams" Staff |
10) Freedom for all them little piggies 9) 2,979,228 sunsets, preferrably sequential 8) Griff, the walking talking mind fuck 7) Bill Gate's bit bucket 6) Wolf nipple chips (yes, I know!) 5) A half assed carbon marbling 4) A license to absurd! 3) Smegma 9.0 2) Fruuuuuuuuuit! 1) Satan's severed head |
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