| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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(This prolly won't interest anyone except the 30+ crowd here at Sorabjiland/but anyway...) How do you determine hte difference btwn being a Grown-up & being a Wuss? Like that old colloquialism "I'm old enuf for my Wants not to hurt me." Well/how do you know if you're old enuf or not? How do you know that saying No/that turning away from something/or someone/is a sign of maturity & self-knowledge/& not just yr own cowardice & personal fears? Sure/nobody knows what the future holds. But I do know that I want a future that is different from my present. That I do not want to spend the rest of my days alone w/nobody but a cat to love me. Does that mean I shd be willing to take a chance on anyone that comes along/merely for the sake of short-term Change? Even if I suspect I'll end up regretting it later? Or does being 39-yrs-old mean that I am an ee-jit (that's idiot to most of y'all) if I try to convince myself that that the things I know to be True in Life in terms of relationships are simply personal prejudices & opinions/not Red Flags & Warning Signs. Becuz to me/that's the hallmark of Adulthood -- i.e. knowing that You Know What You KNow & You Can't Lie To Yrself Abt Very Much w/out Facing Serious Consequences. So is X a Cliff/or a Bridge? How do you know? And how the hell is my drunk-ass supposed to know? According to my mother's conversation w/me earlier this evening/if I were really a grown-up/by now I'd have a proper house on 3 acres w/a garage & a pool/& nice fat 401K/something more than silver pieces in my jewelry box/& more degrees after my name than just a B.A. I've failed to yield the expected return on my parents' investment. Oh, the dread of middle-class Backfolk's Expectations! (My Da/on the other hand/thinks I'm A-OK.) My non-college grad brother working for the T.A. in N.Y. makes more $$ than I do. And the only reason I'm in a house that I own & he's not is becuz I eventually followed my parents to FL/where housing -- be it a condo or a proper house -- is much more affordable/so the Parental Units bought me a crib. (These days/my mother spends most of her time on the web shopping for houses on L.I. that my brother can swing the mortage on by himself. She seems determined to make sure both of us are settled in our own homes before she & my father Kick. Which is a nice sentiment, actually/but that's her shit/y'know?) Of my 3 best friends/2 are single & childless just just like me. The other has 2 kids from her 1st (11-yr.) marriage & is now in the 1st year of her 2nd marriage/& very happy w/her new husband. But basically/she's spent her entire life within 10 miles of the town she grew up in/& never went got to go college/becuz she got married during her Senior year of h.s./so her parents refused to send her to university. All she knows is life on L.I. My life is the life I've chosen for myself. A life of books & music writing & eating where & what I want/when I want. Of doing laundry & cleaning house when it suits me. Or going to the beach w/a kerosene lantern & staying up til 5 a.m. reading if that suits me. For the most part/I like this life. A lot. I love the freedom of moving to my own rhythms/instead of the rhytmhs of others. Of not having anyone other than my employer being the architect of my days. My time away from work it totally Mine. And I totally love that. I love being able to sit here online at 3:00 a.m. on a Friday nite. I love knowing that I will sleep as late as I tomorrow/ so long as I make my appt. for a brow wax @ 2:30. I love not ironing my clothes if I don't want to/& wearing whatever I want in my downtime/ becuz I don't have to please anyone's tastes but mine. But I get tired of having no one but Six to talk to when I come home/unless I pick up the phone. I get sick of coming home from grocery-&-misc. shopping w/4 or 5 bags & knowing that it will take me 2 trips to get everything into the house/becuz I have to bring all my bags in Alone. I miss sex a lot. And imtimacy even more. Becuz getting one does not guarantee having the other. But I have no interest in getting emotionally & physically entangled w/someone like The Chef/who is liable to be off to Miami or L.A. or Hong Kong at the drop of a hat. In my heart of hearts/I know he's not The One for Me. And despite my deep attraction to him/& despite the fact that he is a a great cook & a world-class kisser & terribly witty & more-than-a-little gorgeous/my heart & my head both tell me that I shd just leave things as they are & stay Buddies w/him. Otherwise/I'm gonna be left waving goodbye at the airport when I least expect it & wondering what will become of us while he's away. And I'm really not abt a short-trem thrill. I miss good sex/but I can live w/out it if getting it is gonna cost me a lot of heartache. Or am I just such a middle-aged Wuss that I'm no longer willing to throw caution the the winds for the sake of a Grand Romance/the way I wd have done 10 yrs. ago? One of my favorite quotes re: Life is from Muhammad Ali: "If a man views the world the same way at 40 that he did when he was 20/then he's wasted 20 years." I think the same is true of a woman. Part of me feels that I can't ignore the lessons I've learned -- the hard way -- abt How Life Works. But another part of me is so tired of feeling complacent & lacking passion/being safe & solo in my own little world. Then again/I am definitely NOT abt crashing & burning for the sake of a few months of wild romance/just to have something to write abt in my journal/y'know? So/who can help me out here? |
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i wrote a long, rambling post in response about my own parents (who have been married for as long as RC has been alive.) i decided not to post, because i doubt it would do any good. it aint always sugar and spice. but it's about committment. my dad has never wandered from my mom. my mom has never wandered from my dad. i know that for a fact. i love them more than anything in the world. |
And Thanks, Swine. That alone was worth staying up til 4:40 a.m. for. (Altho' I was mostly avoiding laying down & getting the spins.) And how's yr godchild? Post some pictures/dammit! |
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he'll be moving to Senegal soon, though. my brother accepted a job running the US AID program there. i'm listening to critter's buggin's "space rant" now and thinking about replacing the passport i lost the other year... now i'm rambling... i wanna go to Senegal, too. i've never been to Africa. Africa. africa. Africa. it's a beautiful name, isn't it? |
i got skills! |
And if you want some company in Senegal/I'm volunteerin' -- Fuck my job! I've never been to Africa either. And this is a perfect reason to go. |
I'm gearing up to have my heart broken. today I am going to shop for the sluttiest little top I can find. to wear next time I see him. he'll be with his girlfriend. I was hoping we could act out the party scene from "sunset boulevard" (a scene without salome, a scene I think no one else remembers), but I think it may end up being more like ashley's birthday party in "gone with the wind." it doesn't matter. |
talk about your wusses. |
scarlett wears red. |
- no one? - well, I have a crush on this guy who lives in seattle and lives with his longtime girlfriend. I've been spending half my weekends there. we don't even do anything. not for lack of interest, though. - he's totally playing you. - yeah, I know. it's ok, though. I mean, it's not like I have anything better to do, you know? - no. I still don't see why you waste your time on all that nothing. you're just spinning your wheels. - whatever. I mean, I know my, um, energy is totally ... misdirected, but at least it's something. it's better than feeling nothing, isn't it? - so why do you like this guy? - I've always liked him. - why? like, how is he different from me? I mean, I'm just using me as an example because I don't know any of your close friends. - uh, he's taller. [half-laugh. then, wanting to change the subject:] he wanted me to meet him in centralia. - [laugh.] I've so been there. centralia. god. I've met multiple girls in centralia. - are you SERIOUS? - yeah. totally. centralia, olympia, chehalis. whatever. - oh my god. I had no idea. girls from seattle? - yeah. those motels are ALL about portland-seattle affairs. they're full of people who meet halfway. you should totally write a story about it. - maybe I will! please, tell me all about it. like, how did you meet these girls? through work? - different ways. - did you meet them on the weekend or what? I have to know ALL the details. please. - yeah, whenever. when I just HAD to see them. it's all about lust. this guy just wants you. - oh. I feel so common. I want to think it's more than that. - oh, maybe it is. a LITTLE. but really he's just like me. except if he was me, you would have GONE to centralia. |
i always look forward to cyst's posts thank you |
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now everything I do is for him. I know how pathetic this sounds, but my primary motivation for the last month has been to impress him. I've decided that this is ok because everything I could do to try to impress him is something I would be glad to have done anyway. you know, stupid things. like finding a really cute apartment. going to the gym. wearing pretty new clothes. reading lots of books. I know seeing him does something to me. last time I saw him I felt like I was glowing. (or maybe that was just the coke.) I became this kind, benevolent, beautiful, radiant person. I felt like being nice to everyone; I understood that dumb thing people used to say -- "it's all good." and I realized what it would be like to be a popular chick. if I were friendly all the time, I could have a lot more friends. d told me how much he missed me. j wanted to buy me breakfast the next morning. p invited me to stay with her. s's friend told her, "I have a huge crush on your friend. does she like italian food? I will cook her an italian dinner." some incredibly beautiful little 21-year-old boy came up to me and said, "hi, I know I'm too short for you, but I really just wanted you to know I think you're a very attractive young lady." god, he was so young and sweet and adorable. if only I weren't so old and big and sullen. my friend makes me so happy. but it's easy to like someone you hardly ever see. I've been re-reading his email. maybe he will give me a chance someday. the first half of a conditional sentence from a couple days ago makes me think maybe. maybe. emphasis mine. ---------------------------- i don't hate anything about you. there is no other side. i kind of wish i did and that there were, but that's the way it goes, i guess. there might be traits of yours that i can identify as things i don't typically admire, but i still can't help seeing your personality as a work of art, so if i'm on the receiving end of some hostility or whatever, who am i to argue? IF WE WERE EVER AN ACTUAL COUPLE, i might feel differently. but as it stands, i can't get mad at you. that's because you're the only girl i've ever thought was totally superior to me; someone i could never satisfy. |