IN 2031, PRESIDENT CLINTON FINISHES HIS TIME ON EARTH AND APPROACHES THE PEARLY GATES OF HEAVEN.... "AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE?" INQUIRES ST. PETER. "IT'S ME, BILL CLINTON, FORMERLY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD." "OH...MR.......PRESIDENT! WHAT MAY I DO FOR YOU?" ASKS ST. PETER. "I'D LIKE TO COME IN," REPLIES CLINTON. "SURE," SAYS THE SAINT. "BUT FIRST, YOU HAVE TO CONFESS YOUR SINS. WHAT BAD THINGS HAVE YOU DONE IN YOUR LIFE?" CLINTON BILES HIS LIP AND ANSWERS, "WELL, I TRIED MARIJUANA, BUT YOU CAN'T CALL IT 'DOPE-SMOKING' BECAUSE I DIDN'T INHALE. THERE WERE INAPPROPRIATE EXTRAMARITAL RELATIONSHIPS, BUT YOU CAN'T CALL IT ADULTERY' BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE FULL 'SEXUAL RELATIONS'. AND I MADE SOME STATEMENTS THAT WERE MISLEADING, BUT LEGALLY ACCURATE, BUT YOU CAN'T CALL IT 'BEARING FALSE WITNESS' BECAUSE, AS FAR AS I KNOW, IT DIDN'T MEET THE LEGAL STANDARD OF PERJURY." WITH THAT, ST. PETER CONSULTS THE BOOK OF LIFE BRIEFLY, AND DECLARES, "OK, HERE'S THE DEAL. WE'LL SEND YOU SOMEWHERE HOT, BUT WE WON'T CALL IT 'HELL'. YOU'LL BE THERE INDEFINITELY, BUT WE WON'T CALL IT 'ETERNITY'. AND WHEN YOU ENTER, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ABANDON ALL HOPE, JUST HOLD YOUR BREATH WAITING FOR IT TO FREEZE OVER." |