Do you believe in shrinks? My doctor referred me to one, said I wouldn't get my new steroids until I went, because she thought I was getting "overstressed" and that I needed to talk to a shrink. She said maybe I could get some meds there that would help me. I'm really afraid of this. I don't want to be doped up, I have to go or I can't get better, I don't want happy pills. Goddamnit. I'm so afraid. I feel like my doc wants me to change my personality and she thinks that will make me better. I'm high strung, yeah, I don't need fucking Paxil or something to make my attitude different. I'm agressive, and sensitive, and it's who I am, and I'm glad of who I am. I'm terrified of changing myself utterly like this. Someone help me. On top of all this, I tripped last night and I still feel out of it and I'm even more paranoid and nervous about this shrink now. I'm supposed to go on Monday. God. Why is there no one here to hold me?

paxil made me feel all wonky. i do believe that if "who you are" is ruining your life, then "who you are" sucks and needs to die. figuratively, of course. the question is "how?" another question is "is it worth the effort?"

But who I am is not ruining my life, and I don't think I should destroy myself. Really, I don't think anyone should destroy themselves. Maybe being part of "who you are" for some people is sucking. Which is rough on them, but I think it's the way it is. I certainly know I don't want to be all doped up so I can be "someone else." I like me. For me, it's not worth the effort of becoming someone else when I like me, and it's not worth the cost of prescriptions. I have to go. Just this once. Then, I never go again.

i dealt w/ a shrink once who was crazier than i am. she was a total paranoia case. i'd be sitting there in her office, minding my own business, & then she'd suddenly accuse me of looking at her funny because she's disabled. then she'd tell me that she saw me a couple of weeks ago lurking behind the bushes around her office, laughing at her because she was disabled. of course, these accusations were completely ridiculous. all she did during our sessions was continue highlighting the fact that she was disabled, at times when such things weren't even on my mind. i didn't give a rat's ass about her disability. anyway, she put me through a whole battery of psychological tests & then declared that i was crazy. that's how she said it. crazy. she also said that i was a liar because i said i believed in the paranormal--she said that no one in this century could make such an outlandish statement & be telling the truth. i was also urged to see a shrink once in college when i was an undergrad & was feeling a bit depressed. i mentioned to the new shrink that i was depressed. she told me to go fucking kill myself. that was the end of our appointment. it took less than five minutes. but i wasn't depressed anymore. i was fucking homicidal. i wanted to tear the bitch's head off. i'm strong. i can hear messages like that & process them. but i just kept thinking about what'd happen if if WASN'T me she had encountered...what if it was some freshman from podunk who didn't know which way was up, or somebody too freaked out to deal w/ reality in any tangible way? holy shit, the bitch literally could've gotten somebody killed w/ a stunt like that. i worked on a project w/ a group of radical lesbians once. they were all shrinks. i've never seen such a maladjusted, fucked-up crew in all my life. it's not because they were radical lesbians. i've hung out w/ radical lesbians for years & they weren't like this. some of these women had male children & were extremely mean to them. the boys were told not to speak because they were patriarchal oppressors. one of these women told her young son that the best he could grow up to be was a fucking rapist, because that's what all men are. what i'm saying here is BEWARE. just because somebody hangs up a shingle saying they're a shrink doesn't automatically mean that they're sane. a lot of shrinks get into the biz because they've gone through years of therapy themselves--something told to me by several shrinks. in other words, you've got a 50/50 chance of being treated by somebody who's got problems that would make yours look like child's play. also, paxil & all that shit is an absolute last resort. some depression & related problems can actually be treated nutritionally. not to say that all shrinks are bad. hell, no. there's some great ones out there. i've never ended up in any of their offices, but they're out there. just go into the whole enterprise w/ your bullshit detector on. if they start talking a bunch of crap, look for the exit. no apologies. you can pull the plug at any given moment & leave.

my career counselor, in addition to having an MS in Economics and an MBA, is also a Ph.D. in psychology and is a lisenced therapist. she's also a little psychic. or intuitive. or something a little extra. she can tap into alternative powers, and i don't mean that in a new age way, i mean that in a real way. my last career counseling session turned into a therapy session, as she sensed my energy was askew when i got there. she was right... i had just come from date #2 or #3 with Ron. i felt exhausted and agitated and utterly overwhelmed, and all we did was have lunch. i ended up talking to her for over two hours. at the end she informed me that basically i have the emotional development of an 8 or 9 year old. i learned a lot of really scary things about why my emotional growth stopped at that time, what this does to me now, how it affects the way i relate to people and the world around me. it was exhausting, but i think for once in my life i was able to totally tell the honest truth about what i want and what i'm looking for. intellectually, i know that what i really want deep down is neither healthy nor right nor good to want, inconducive to functional relationships (whether it be with friends, lovers, or family) so i never admitted it and have spent a lot of time dealing with an enormous amount of fear. now i can admit it, to her. and she said she can save me ten years of pain learning the hard way, she can teach me tools in a couple months on how to now need the things that the 8 or 9 year old is looking for, steps on how to develop beyond an emotional 8 year old, and how to trust myself, and how to get to a place where i *truly* have something to offer. how cool is that? this lady does not fuck around. she didn't sit there and say things like, "and how does that make you feel?" or "what do you mean by that?" and all that crap. no no. she's not a psychoanalyst, she's a behaviorist. she asked me very specific questions which required specific answers, and she has already showed me the outline of steps i'm going to be taking with her over the next couple of months. i'm pretty excited, because it means that i will probably, hopefully, lose or learn not to be such an insufferable narcissist. i think there are a lot of therapists out there that do more harm than good. but a friend of mine told me that the most important thing is that there be a good connection between patient and doctor. just like with other people, sometimes we jive with some people and not with others. same goes for therapists and patients. that's what he says, anyways.

Well, as I say, I'm going in so the other doc will give me the drugs I need. Then...pshoot, I'm out. I don't want to be drugged.

Ya know, most of my experience with psychologist types have been on the negative side. Most of the psych majors I encountered in college were a bit on the unstable side, at least the ones into clinical psych. Just a disclaimer: my undergrad degree was in psych, but it was experimental, not clinical, and I only got it 'cause it took the least number of credits, so don't try to bring me down man! SHIT! Also, one of my ex girlfriend's mom was a psychologist, and she was one fucked up puppy. (the mom, that is) She was one of the most manipulative people I've ever met...

They are, they really are. I don't like being cornered into this situation, but I don't see what choice I have. Damnit. Geek boy and I were talking about it last night, after American History X. I don't quite know how it came up. Anyway. I'm really afraid.

I think it sounds lovely to be able to sit there and talk about yourself for a while and to know that the other person is not just sitting there listening because they want to fuck you. But that's just me. You don't have to take the drugs, Isolde. I'd try to be positive and think that maybe you might even get something out of the experience...a chance to offload some of your junk maybe. And who knows? Maybe the shrink will say you're perfectly normal, just going through a bit of stress due to the move and you need to drink more wine and watch more sunsets.

Hopefully. If she prescribes, I won't take them. I don't think the quality of my life is bad, I enjoy being alive, strolling down the streets here, etc. Today, geek boy and I fell asleep together in his windowseat. It was the cutest damn thing this side of the plantet. Then we had dinner. We're going to watch a movie in a bit.

"On top of all this, I tripped last night and I still feel out of it and I'm even more paranoid and nervous " Could this possibly be part of the problem? Sorry, but spend a while clean and dry and not medicating with chemicals or sex or relationships or food, and see what happens. Could it be that the doc you sought for steroids sensed things amiss? Why do you seek steroid (poisoning) anyway? Use em only in a last ditch effort; try everything else first. ("yeah, I need em cuz I can't breath and I'm allergic to everything but I ain't gonna give up my dog or nuthin...") Even in chronic situations, steroids are nothing but temporary and still quite toxic. I remember my cardiologist planting the seeds that I needed a therapist long before I sobered up...he knew something was wrong, and I knew, too, but neither of us would look at substance abuse, lifestyle imbalance, denial and dishonesty. Stay off everything, cigs and sex included, and see where the hell your head is. Not just for a week or two, for a couple months. Amazing what can happen when we simply remove the toxins from our bodies and spirits, and the toxic people from our relationships, and the the toxic environments in which we most often live and work. You don't have to be chemically dependent or addicted in any way to benefit. Live life on life's terms. It's not too bad. Make sure you tell the doc you tripped over the weekend, and see what s/he suggests then.

Maybe you don't understand. I trip _maybe_ once or twice a year, usually in carefully planned out situations that involve me resting and cooling off for a little while afterwards. The only reason I went to the doc so soon was because my old inhaler was running out and I needed more. I don't need someone else to tell me how to live my life. I don't mix my drugs, I'm not having sex right now (not out of choice), and I know enough not to get plastered every time I turn around. My friends around here watch my back, and I watch theirs. If they sensed there was a problem with my drinking or drug use, they would not be afraid to say so, and neither would my doctor, who knows about the drinking. Fuck you. I don't have a dog and you fucking well know it. I also don't fucking smoke, since if you paid attention, you would note that my condition is FUCKING ASTHMA! Anyone who has asthma and smokes deserves whats coming to them. I go to a lot of effort to not be on steroids, my dosage was just increased despite the fact that I keep my living quarters spotless, don't smoke, don't spend time with smokers, and go to a lot of effort to make my living conditions clean. I am not on steroids because I want to be. I am on steroids right now because it's possible I could _die_ without them. Do you think I enjoy using drugs like that? No, of course not, no one does. However, my alternate option is to either die, or use way too much albuterol, which is more dangerous for me. I was shaking, dizzy, and had a short attention span because I was using so much albuterol it was like I was on speed. That's not good. My doctor is not my goddamn therapost. She is essentially blackmailing me into seeing a shrink, and to satisfy her, I'm going. I don't need antidepressants or whatever. I'm sure that there are people who do, who have an actual chemical imbalance in their brains, and I'm not one of them. I have character flaws and quirks and moods just like any normal human being. Normal. That's what I am, not some kind of freak, and my doctor knows it. You don't even know me, how can you even begin to make judgements on my character? You've never met me, spoken to me, interacted with me, and you have no conception as to what problems I may or may not have. I would be more stressed out and unhappy if I abstained from everything I enjoy doing. I'm not even that stressed out right now, I'm upset about this issue with my doctor. If I abstained from doing everything in life I find enjoyable, I think I Would be even less fun to be around. I enjoy sex. I know when it's healthy for me and when it is not. I can make that judgement, I'm a mature being. I know when people are destructive, and I avoid them. It's very simple. I work to take elements out of my life that make it less pleasureable, and the ones I can't take out, I deal with. Which seems to be more than I can say for you, making judgements on me. I don't need your fucking judgements. I'm going through a lot of unhappiness right now, I don't need your opinions crammed down my throat like that. This may have worked for you. That's great, I'm happy for you. I'm happy you gained control of your life, and I'm happy you enjoy life. But you know what? I'm enjoying life now, and I'm in control of it now. So don't fucking tell me what I can and cannot do.

isolde, as much as we like to believe that we're individuals totally distinct from one another, we're all really pretty much the same. on certain levels, we all have the same reaction to environmental stimuli. hold a rag soaked in ether over anyone's face and they'll eventually konk out. daniel's judgment is valid. your response is childish. nothing got crammed down your throat, not even metaphorically. sheesh.

I see your point, Dave, I just get angry that people assume that since I tripped once for the first time in seven months, that I must be doing drugs and drinking and engaging in all sorts of illicit activities. I think that's understandable. If anything, his commentary offended me because he didn't bother to enquire more into the details of the situation. I realize that certain things are going to be the same in any situation. One of those things is being automatically offended when someone implies that an asthmatic smokes. Another is a statement based on assumption. I _felt_ judged, and while I may not have actually been judged, I reacted as if I had been, because I _felt_ as though he was implying that he was clean and I'm not. He's right, I'm not spotless. It's part of who I am. If I felt that is was self destrutive, I would stop. Granted, one doesn't always realize that things are self destructive until it's too late, but I'd like to think I can trust my friends, also, to help me make that judgement, since they interact with me on a daily basis. I also _felt_ like he was cramming something down my throat with his repeated enforcement of "living clean." He wasn't utterly repeating rhetoric, which I appreciated, and he pointed out how it helped him in his own life, which I also appreciated, but I don't think it would work for me. And I think that should be respected. Daniel's judgement is not entirely valid, since _some_ of it appears to be based on false assumptions. If he's genuinely interested in actually determining the details of the situation and then giving me an opinion, I would be very interested to hear it. But until then... As for your comment on my response being "childish," I'm curious to see if you noted that I responded to each of his points, although I was arguably upset, and responded to some of them extremely violently. The point is this: I don't like being blackmailed or judged by anyone. And that's part of who I am. (And if youy read my post, you'll know that I'm not referring to anyone on these boards when I mention blackmail, before anyone gets hoity toity on me.) \

daniel's remarks are coming from an addiction counselor's p.o.v. it's pretty much accepted in the medical community that even a few "doses" of hallucinogens can quantifiably mess up the brain's ability to deal with serotonin. again, that's across the board. it's a chemical reaction. no one is immune to the chemistry of hallucinogens and serotonin uptake. i think you take his comments in the wrong light but he obviously struck a nerve and it might be worth contemplating why. why the fuck do i even care?

I never heard him mention that, actually, although I do know that hallucinogens affect everyone, me included. Thanks ever so for reminding me of this obvious fact. Anyway, as I said, if Daniel would like to learn the full circumstances, I would be happy to discuss them with him and hear his thoughts. Until then, I don't want to hear it. He did strike a nerve, because I don't like being judged becaus eI like to enjoy myself. I don't know, why do you?

who is judging you?

Read my above statements about how I felt and you'll see.

because i'm full to the brim with love for all living things. even living things who post personal shit on a public forum and then go apeshit when somebody's remarks aren't what they wanted to hear. mwa!

I'm so touched that you have so much love. I think I"m entitled to reply to a post someone makes, just as you are. If you were offended by something I posted about you, I should certainly hope you'd say so. As I bloody well said, I am perfectly happy to tell Daniel what the hell is up and listen to his input. But I don't think he knows enough to judge what's best for me in this situation yet. Thus, I made a comment to the end that I don't like being judged on insuffinece evidence. Jesus. Is it so hard to understand? I don't want to hear anything, I started this discussion to hear what people thought about shrinks, not neccesarily my experince, although by posting I invited people to comment on it. I felt that Daniel's comment was not informed enough, and I said so. I am willing to listen to people, otherwise I wouldn't have started the thread. To repeat myself: I don't _want_ to hear anything, if I _wanted_ to hear anything, I could just tell myself all about it.

i'm going bowling in an hour. i haven't been bowling since i was a pre-teen. it's for my friend Thomas' 32nd birthday. i baked him the most nectar carrot pineapple cake*. i spent $200 at the drug store today. i have severe pms symptoms. yesterday i felt like crying all day, and i ate a fuckload of food. today i have been an emotional nightmare. talking to any person either sends me into a dark rage or makes me feel rejected and like i want to cry. everyone hates me. i am unloved and unwanted. i am making an effort not to murder my roommate, who hooked up with my friend Jeff at my birthday party, and then they spent the whole day together yesterday. and i invited her to go bowling and i don't want her to go now because she's so fucking happy and bubbly over my friend jeff and it's dangerous for me to be around happy people when i am pissy. this is when i start having those weird hugging dreams at night. Ron called and left a message, but it's probably best that i didn't answer my phone. one whole week or hormonal hell. not even a shrink can make it all better. * Carrot Pineapple Cake 3 eggs 3/4 cup buttermilk 3/4 cup vegetable oil 1 1/2 cups white sugar 2 teaspoons vanilla extract 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 cups all-purpose flour 2 teaspoons baking soda 2 cups shredded carrots 1 cup flaked coconut 1 cup chopped walnuts 1 8 oz can crushed pineapple with juice 1 cup raisins or chocolate chips Grease and flour an 8x12 inch pan. In a bowl, sift together flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. In another bowl, combine eggs, buttermilk, oil, sugar and vanilla. Mix well. Add flour mixture and mix it up. In a separate bowl, combine shredded carrots, coconut, walnuts, pineapple and raisins or chocolate chips. Using a heavy whisk, add carrot mixture to batter and mix well. Pour into prepared 8x12 inch pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes - 1 hour.

fuck. thomas just called and said, "I just wanted to make sure your roommate knew she was invited to go bowling with us." "I already invited her." I told him. "Good," he said, "because Jeff is definitely going too." AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN LOVE. </pms>

I hate people who are in love too. I hope the bowling experince is ok for you...I always have a lot of fun bowling, even though I suck. You always post such yummy looking recipes on here. I used to be such a good cook, and then I moved here and I eat ramen and baby carrots. Ugh. I need to stop that, eat more varied food and stuff. I'm going to take a bath, I'm extremely sore.

heh. you're funny, sarah. i probably wouldn't say anything if someone offended me here. well, maybe back in the day but not anymore. what would be the point?

Sarah's a good gel. And she posts excellent, usually adaptable recipes, which makes her a god in my eyes.

i usually dream about blood and violence the night before my period. either that or think "oh, my period'd coming up, i probably should have put some pads in my bag". right now i'm hoping to lose some weight because my pms caused my most perfect-fitting pair of pants to (seemingly) shrink. l'horreur!!!

Isolde,sometimes life is really confusing.And sometimes,people,be they family,lovers or friends,are to closely involved with an individual,to be able to see clearly the confusion or pain a loved one is experiencing.And by being in that category of loved one/friend,one doesn't want to acknowledge that someone dear to us is having difficulties. At times like this,an unbiased opinion can be helpful.Your physician has suggested a referal,not as blackmail,but as a skilled proffesional.Sometimes,it is easier for someone,not actively involved in our lives,to pick up patterns/habits that might not be as healthy as they should be.Don't resent your physician for this,be thankful that you have a physician who is insightful/caring enough to make this suggestion.Many aren't. I can tell you this,I wish there was a "wise man",that I could go and bare my soul to,lay it all out at his feet,and then say "what should I do?What will make me happy?"But I've yet to find this person,because he/she simply doesn't exist.That would make life so much easier,to know which direction to go.But we're responsible for finding our own path,and that path is usually wrought with with many deceptions,temptations and invariably many confusions.There is no easy answer,but the important thing is to never give up looking for the way.Sometimes we need a little outside assistance,so don't look at your doc's suggestion as a bad thing,think how lucky you are to have one that cares.Go and see this person,and be honest,maybe they can help you gain some skills that will make life easier for you. And,should you ever encounter that wise person,please let me know,cause I have a whole lot of stuff I would like to ask him/her myself.

My family has a history of depression. My grandfather on my dad's side was manic-depressive, my dad has suffered from the same, as well as both of my sisters. My middle sister seems to be the worse off - she's got anxiety attacks as well as depression, and her 6-yr-old son is hyperactive and picks up on her moods and just goes off. He's been a little terror at times. I've been moody on and off, but I never got so far into a funk that I couldn't function. I definitely saw a pattern of bad moods and mild depression during the winters in Alaska. Moving south has helped that. But for the past year, I've been in a bad mood. I'm not happy, and I don't do anything to change the situation. So I'm either: a) Depressed b) Lazy c) .. crap, I forgot C. I think about suicide quite often, but I know it's not an answer. I think about what I can do to change my situation, but I don't do anything about it. When I do start to put together a resume or website, I talk myself out of it thinking of all the negatives. Would you call it functional depression, or just a slacker attitude? Maybe I've got the Gen-X malady.

Perhaps. I'm not sure. All I know is, doctors around here are quick to medicate and slow to solve the problem. I have a large problem with that, and I have no respect for a doctor who tells me, quote: "I will not give you the medication you need until you see a psychiatrist." The medication I need does not have a psychological side effect, it's simply something I need to survive. I have an enourmous issue with this, as you can well imagine. A couple months ago, a friend, who _knows me well_ and understands the circumstances of my situation, spoke to me about my drinking. I laid off. Not to please him, but because he made a lot of valid points which I respected, coming from a friend, who, granted, isn't a health professional, but he knows what's good for me and what's not, and he isn't afraid to say so. I respect his opinion a lot more than some shrink who doesn't know me or someone who has no idea of what's actually going on. Enough fucking said. I never have PMS. I don't know why this is, but it's utterly true. My body doesn't bloat, or do any of the things it's supposed to. It's just, one day, I wake up, and *poof*. Dave, it sounds like a problem of environment. Of course, I don't know enough, and not being a "health professional" I can't be expected to judge, but I wonder if you feel happier when you're on a trip, removed from some of these things? Perhaps it's time for a slight change of locale/job?

I am in love, still. Do yoo yahaaaaaaate me?

god damn take the happy pills for chrissakes....... "I'm really afraid of this. I don't want to be doped up" "I feel like my doc wants me to change my personality" "Someone help me. " "God. Why is there no one here to hold me?" feeling judged? nevermind a shrink, a psycholgist could could work on these behavior implications.... the way you jumped down daniel's throat, the assesment of being "overstressed" seems accurate... you do seem uptight..... you've been around long enough, that i notice a change is disposition.....in your words, and your demeanor. i would say that you are perhaps too hung up on this "All I know is, doctors around here are quick to medicate and slow to solve the problem. I have a large problem with that"..... you know thats a fair and valid question to deal with in your situation, but do you think that mentality is perhaps blocking you from listening to reason? daniel's comments were not one of judgement. and your doctors are no necessarily out to change you, you haven't even been yet, it' wouldnt hurt to go and see what they say. i suspect your asthma drug could have mood/chemicial altering side effects, so she wants you to see a shrink before she prscribes something that could make you depressed or what have you. Despite what you say, all steroid, bronchial, asthma related drugs have some sort of psychological effect, i've taken enough of them myself.... just a thought, but you know your doctor may be making wise recommendation. last i checked hearing a shrink out, walking home with a script in your bag,(with option to take or not take) doesn't equal a personality overhaul. they still make LSD? damn

No, the inhaler is one I've been taking for a long time. I needed a refill. I don't know what sparked the referral, I really don't. I don't like the idea of drugs. I'll go, listen to the shrink with my best open mind, take home the script, and burn it. Simple as that.

shrinks are fun. you canplay with their heads really easily. then it just gets boring.

so, lemme get this straight, you are willing to take LSD, practically a poison, that some schlub made in his basement yet you aren't willing to even consider the idea of medication, prescribed by a doctor, a professional, manufactured under strict controls, accompanied by warnings and guidelines for taking said drug..... i'm not questioning your need for medication, i really don't know all the details of your condition., nor do i know anything about the doctor in question, but considering I, some guy who reads your words via internet about random topics, have noticed a slight change in your disposition, do't you think they MAY, just MAYBE have your best interests at hand, see a need for this? i dunno....whatever you do be smart, be well.

I am willing to take LSD, manufactured by a trusted friend, once or twice a year, experience the mind-altering results, and move on. I am not willing to take a medication designed to change who I am. LSD changes who I am. I, personally, believe it supplements me. I find that most people on anti-depressants change, dramatically. Sometimes, it's a good change, and other times, it's not, and I don't feel it would be a good change for me. As I said, doctors here don't like to solve problems. They like to hand you the dope, bill you, and show you the door. If I could find a doctor who didn't operate that way, I'd be a lot more open to this. But I have yet to find one. If you can find one, kudos to you. He's probably far away from me anyhow. I have no faith in shrinks, it's true.

in mostly harmless, there's a species that's just like humans, except "they don't breathe and they don't wish for things." Oops I just played some sort of sound in the lab. cruel.com, whatever today's site was. I'm gonna run off and be embarassed now.

I love cruel.com. I first discovered it a while ago, and I enjoy it greatly.

remember, just because someone's a shrink doesn't mean they're sane. just because someone's a doctor doesn't mean that they can heal. tell any clinical goon who asks about your non-presciption drug usage is to piss off. that's information they don't deserve. telling the so-called medical establishment shit like that is just a recipe for disaster. if people don't get it on a message board, you can bet that some schmuck in a white lab coat is going to get it even less. approach ALL medicos & headshrinkers w/ caution. people are too quick to accept their words as divine edict. they're just people. nothing special. they're not the fucking messiah. & there are thousands of the damn things. don't like one? there'll be another quack right down the street to consult. best of luck w/ the whole thing. we're out here, pilate & i, hoping that everything works out well for you. you're a cool person & deserve only the best.

Thanks, Crimson.

i don't hate you, margret. but that's only because the pms peak was yesterday and today i'm feeling more stable. yesterday i might have hated you. of course, i won't actually bleed or anything, but theoretically i'm supposed to around the 15th of every month. so the bowling thing was A LOT more fun than i anticipated. i was psyched that it was my friend's birthday and that there would be a bunch of my friends hanging out together, but i did not think that the actual act of bowling would appeal to me. but it was fun, in a recreational way. i wouldn't do it every week, and i couldn't bare to do it competitively, but i was into it. of course, when you have PMS, the idea of hurling a really heavy ball with all your might and knocking shit down is not only fun, but it's fucking theraputic. i mean, if you can't have a body punching bag, at least there's bowling. my first game i scored 74. my second game i scored 135, and closed out the set with three strikes. my other friend said that's called a "Turkey in the Tenth". i have no fucking idea what that means, but it sounds cool. the cake turned out really good. isolde, it would be a good vegan cake, because you can use the egg substitute and instead of buttermilk use soy milk. i used the food processor that my friend joan gave me for my birthday to chop up the carrots and pineapple. food processors rock. i really had to restrain myself from grinding up every fruit and vegetable in the refrigerator. i gave thomas a 64 box of crayons. did you know they renamed a lot of the colors? when i bought the box i dumped out all the crayons and read the names of all of them, which was interesting. i also gave him a 7 lb block of wax and acryllic paints. he's an artist, that's why.

Any time you get three strikes in a row, it's called a turkey.

You get 5 it's a 5 bagger

Birthday gifts: I gave D___ my autographed copy of Johnny The Homicidal Maniac. She's totally goth/raved out now that she's away at college. We may go back and see Rocky on her actual Birthday, in two weekends. She'll be 18... I'm so proud of her... it's really inspiring to watch the people i knew as children and young adults turning into deep, neat-o beings.

Yes, I think it would be a good vegan cake, Sarah, maybe I'll try and adapt it. I don't have a great kitchen, but maybe something will happen. I'm all about goodness happening. Especially in my kitchen. I think it would make my whole dump of a house smell nice, too, which is always a plus. The bloody housemate has no conception as to what should be done about the smell of a house. I have to air it out every day. Ridiculous.

Am I too late? On shrinks: Both my parents are in a similar line of work... My Mother is a school counselor, (okay, we all know how helpful THEY are...) and my dad is a licensed Social Worker. My dad has his own business now and has developed a reputation for being able to help people. He is not a doctor, and I think that's attractive to a lot of people. They don't want to be thown into an office, told that they're crazy, handed some pills and tossed back out. My dad can't do that. It would actually be both illegal and bad for his career. If he encounters a patient who be believes may need medication, he has to send them to someone else... at the patient's option of course. He doesn't do this often, as far as I know. I don't think he believes in medicating people because they are having a bad day. Built into this system is a natural second-opinion. My point is... When it comes to this stuff, a doctor isn't the best place to go right off the bat. Isolde's situation is different, as she doesn't beleive she needs help, and she's being sent by another doctor... It would be even more of a pain in the ass to go to two people instead of one... Assuming the first therapist thought she needed the meds. So I'm basically defending the idea of going to see someone for emotional problems. I'm not the biggest fan of Psychiatrists... There are certainly a number of them who give out drugs like candy. If you this is a concern, and you'd like to see someone about depression or what-have-you, see someone who can't medicate you. Many of them are just as qualified and helpful (or better)and they are universally cheaper than Psychiatrists. I once heard that a shrink's kid is as screwed up as they come... What's that make me? I wonder about Manic Depression. Either it's on the rise or less cases are going undiagnosed. I'm surrounded on all sides by Manic Depression. Some of them have had a part in creating my genetic makeup, so we'll see how I turn out. It's a scary one. </ramble>

I'm not currently seeing a therapist, and never plan to, other than my friends...

don't misinterpret what i said, isolde, crimson et al to walk faithfully, absent mindedly to the shrink, believe everything they tell you...take the pills, never question what they say or do. crimson, i think that's an extremely narrow and pesimistic view, and should you ever need medical treatment of any kind, where you just may need a leap of faith to save you life....i'm not sure where that negative approach could serve you for the better i give isolde the credit that she would be the final decision maker, and that if she had any doubts, as an intelligent girl, could seek another opinion or 500 if thats what it takes.. my only point was that perhaps you shouldn't rule out their recommendations OR their medications because you *think*, in general psychiatrists are pill pushin, know nothings. if my dentists say i need braces, I'm going to listen and consider what the orthodontists has to say. They MAY be able to help you...and when it comes to your health and well being, it's worth giving it a shot..... i love bowling.....i threw a turkey once.....just once.....

Oh, I'll listen, of course, but I'm not saying I'll respect his opinion. I'm not one to not give something a chance, though.

...oh i should add, i actually agree with your general notion about psychiatry. both my parents work for the largest drug manufacturer in the world...... im familiar with how they operate, as i interned there for two summers. they spend a lot of money, to beat the other drug maker at a new pill, and when they get it, they push medical professionals, to dispense pills, to make back what they invested.

*shudders* I know. It saddens me. I think that there must be some good shrinks out there, but I don't know where they are or how to access them. I just don't know what to think. I started a flash animation for my new website earlier. I think I want to buy www.sexygoldfish.com and make it my own. It was going to be exoticgoldfish, but someone had already bought it...TODAY! Like an hour before I went to register it...

patrick, i don't think that what i said was negative at all. in any way. your comments surprised me. all i'm saying is that you've gotta go into these things w/ your bullshit detector on. side note: my husband just said he'd sooner consult a phone psychic than a shrink...that he'd probably come out w/ a more logical analysis. as it happens, i'm about to have to go to the doctor (medical variety) for the first time in many years. my heart problem is getting beyond my control. i sure as hell don't want to go to a medical doctor. i've suffered for years w/ various conditions, some of them severe, because i'd generally prefer dealing w/ it solo than paying good money to visit some pompous jackass w/ a stethoscope around his neck. mainstream medicine treats symptoms. they don't treat the root of disease. do understand, though, that i was raised w/ a serious mistrust of the medical establishment. there are a number of practitioners of alternative medicine in my family. i've read the books & sat through the lectures. i studied the shit myself, attempting to go into the healing arts in my youth (but wisely realizing that i may not have the temperament for it). shrinks are a total crapshoot. it's like a box of cracker jack. open 1000 boxes, & you might find a prize worth keeping. i'm afraid of going to the doctor. damn straight. i'll end up w/ a prescription for dangerous drugs that make the shit out on the street look like penny candy. i'll have to weigh the doctor's words carefully. i'll have to do some research into the matter & see if his advice is worth taking. one must be rational. on the other hand, a leap of faith is also important. i have positive healing energy that you cannot believe. i just keep it up my sleeve for special occasions.

Shrinks kids: one of my best friends in high school was the daughter of a practicing pschologist / counselor mother, and a psych teacher father; and she was the most singularly right-on, centered, inspirational, balanced person I've ever met. Could be a fluke, though. I'll have to go hunt down another one.

I was thinking of calling Cleo the other day, actually, Crimson. I certainly agree that one must approach a shrink with a grain of salt. A large one, at that. I don't like the idea at all, really. Anyhow, you seemed to be the first to come out and say "shrinks--not entirely trustworthy." Goodness.

Anyone who wants to help you is obviously full of shit. People who train all of their lives to help other people must be the biggest fuckin' idiots on the whole fuckin' planet. Yeah. That makes sense.

No, that's not what I said. What I said was: someone who is a health professional should not be immediatly respected on that basis. Pretty simple. I said nothing about who was the idiot, or who was full of shit, but I know enough that just because someone has the vellum doesn't mean they're the authority.

blah. i've been away for a while. and here i return to psyciatrist/psychologist bashing. what the hell? you are going to get absolutely nothing out of your visit to the doctor. that's quite apparent. it is not because this person is necessarily ignorant, but because you are going in with the attitude that they can not help you, or won't help you. save yourself some money and go to another doctor for your inhaler. don't talk about anything other than that you need a refill. blah. i get so irritated when people are so closed minded. i was on paxil and resperidol (an anti-psychotic) for about a year and a half. i didn't enjoy being on them because it made me feel dependent. i didn't believe that i had a "severe depression," but i thought what the hell i'll try it. so i took the meds and i didn't change, but my ability to handle the enormous amounts of stress in my life did. i'm off of the meds now and hope that i never have to return. if i hadn't taken their suggestion blah... bad things might have happened. you're obviously a very smart woman, but you don't know everything. you say your friends can help you with all that stuff, but friends aren't always as objective as you need for them to be. blah. a lecture. sorry.

Ienevr said I knew everything. Jesus Christ, just because I have no faith on medications and an outsider to help me, I'm sudden psychotic? What the hell? Look, it works for some people. That's ok. I don't have a problem with that, and I'm glad that you got off the meds and are happy now and so forth, but just the thought of meds stresses me out so much it would negate the purpose. Jesus, do I have to trust the establishment just because it's there? I never meant to imply that all shrinks are bad, because that's wrong. I meant to say that I, personally, judging from _my_ experience with shrinks, have not come away helped. I've come away stressed out and unhappy, but nothing more. No fucking happy pills for me. None. I'm not going to take the damn pills. I'm going to the damn shrink with as open a mind as I can, for Chrissakes, they didn't help me when I was raped, they didn't help me when I was beaten, I don't know how they're going to help me now that I have no faith in them. My lecture: Don't trust it just because it has a degree. Trust it because it gives you a reason to trust it, like not medicating the first time you see it, like respecting you for who you are, like proposing alternates to pills, like de-stress excercises, which my friends have, and which have worked. I don't respect my doctor just because she has a degree, I trust her because she was a good doctor until she started pulling this ghetto shit on me. Fuck.

I forgot to add: Isolde: "Help, help, I'm being opressed!" Nate: "Fuck you, you ass." Isolde: "You are all ruining my life!" Patrick: "so?" Rant concluded. Enough said. Clearly, we have radically different views on our personal views of the psychiatric profession. Which is ok. We're allowed to. But this is getting ridiculous. Thus, I declare this: I hate my housemate. I am going to fucking kill her one of these days, it's just going to be too much.

Who said I was talking to you, Isolde?

My evil sister...L.

But, now I am... "Don't trust it just because it has a degree." Don't mistrust it just because it has a degree. "...just because I have no faith on medications and an outsider to help me, I'm sudden psychotic?" What's so bad about someone being a stranger? You can read the words of a poet and they might help you, might touch your soul, yet you've never met her. Plainly, if you go to any counselor with the attitude that you can't or won't be helped, then it ain't gonna happen. But I'm sure we've all seen friends deny over and over that there was ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with them, seen them go down in flames, and wish that they could do something, anything to help. And I'm probably not the only one either who has read your posts become steadily more tense, more strained over the past few months. We care about you, Isolde. We don't like to see you deny help that could do you good. So maybe at times we get a bit pissed from frustration at what looks to be yet another friend burning herself out. Anyway, just my (completely non sarcastic, for once) perspective on the anti-depressants issue: I have personally medicated myself using St John's Wort. When the seasons turn dark, so do I, and after spending four winters in Minnesota during college not even the Texas summers could bring me out of my funk. So, over one winter I used the wort and it managed to break the cycle. Now I set up full spectrum lighting during the winters, and that does me just fine. :-) My most recent ex-girlfriend was diagnosed manic depressive and took prosac. When she went off of it she became the most cruel, manipulative, mean person I've ever met. That is except when she was being the sweetest, happiest, most bubbly person I've ever met. Prosac and other antidepressants are not "happy pills." For the most part they level out the highs and lows, calm the roller coaster ride. Regardless, though, why is it so hard to accept the fact that our emotions are influenced by chemicals? If you go without food get cranky. If you drink alcohol you get horny. If your brain produces too much seretonin at the wrong time you have mood swings. Why is that so hard to accept? There are alternatives to prescription antidepressants, though. Exercize is nearly as effective as most drugs. Changing the diet can work wonders. And, if you can have the time to sit for 15 minutes at a time without distractions, meditation is great too. But if none of those work you've got to be open to all alternatives.

i have two stories about shrinks (or rather involving them) that took place during (roughly) the same period of time. my junior year, both my best friend and i were diagnosed with depression. we both went to shrinks. i stayed drug-free, she went on prozac. i'd cry all day, she resumed her "happy" life. i was dependible; she went manic, ran away three times, took lsd, turned goth, and discovered that she was bi (all within three weeks that i didn't see or hear from her at all). don't take them seriously. they can't help the way they are, and they often won't help us. the last shrink i had never played with my head, he just told the truth and helped me to set some goals (achieving these, i found strength in myself to overcome dysthymia and social anxiety disorder). he couldn't help all my problems (i still have add, despite the common idea that peoiple can grow out of it). getting your blood pumping is a natural high. so are breaking bad habits and working for a meaningful cause. self-hypnotism and meditation also feel wonderful.

"both my parents work for the largest drug manufacturer in the world......" I thought your father passed and you were raised by your mother, Patrick, or did I misread?

Antigone,I love you.

I didn't say any of those things were hard to accept, I realize the effect of chemicals on the human body. I also realize that I prefer the roller coaster ride to being mundane. If I was suicidal (which I'm not) if I was utterly miserable (which I'm not, at no point in time), I would consider them. But I'm happy having moods, I like being able to happy or sad like any other human being, and thus, I won't take the drugs..._if_ the shrink presecribes, which he probably will, and I'll smile at him, walk out of his office, and throw the script out the gutter. Jesus. Enough said.

"I never said I knew everything. Jesus Christ," i didn't mean to imply that you had said that. i just know that you are very intellegent. and sometimes we think that we know what's best for us, and in fact we're rapped up in all of this emotion and aren't able to see the truth. just because I have no faith on medications and an outsider to help me, I'm sudden psychotic? i hope that wasn't drirected at me... i didn't say you were psychotic, did i?

Why do you say "he probably will"? You must be telling us something different than you're telling them, unless you're sure he's one of the types who'd rather have you on drugs than talk to you. Whatever. You don't have to take anything. However, if you let both the doctors think you ARE taking it, there could be problems further down the line. You can tell this doctor that medication isn't an acceptable solution. Has ANYONE here had a good experience in this arena? I guess pez got some help, and that's gool, Pez. I've never seen such a collection of horror stories. Sorabjiites seem to end up with the quacks. Tom: as much as I feel screwed up, there are two people in particular who repeatedly tell me how stable and levelheaded I am... When they aren't telling me I'm a crackhead for having the attention span of a flea. So I dunno. I think it's because I've got one great parent who helps people and enjoys doing it, and one parent who, if she deals with them anything like she treats me, the's only further damaging those kids. She has quite a tendancy to show just how appalled she is at the kids and approach ridiculing them... Those are only the few times she mentioned her work at home. So I've got both sides, I guess. Has there ever been a good school counselor?

It's raining outside. I'm very excited. I like it whjen it rains here, it gets all slushy and fun. Maybe geek boy and i will run through puddles later.

dougie you are right, my step dad has been in my life since i was 6, so for ease, i just say mom and dad. crimson you speak of being raised with mistrust, and you cite various examples, all with a negative result, you claim to have never met a reasonable shrink... you cite your husband's sensationalists comments, that really mean nothing... "i'm afraid of going to the doctor. damn straight. i'll end up w/ a prescription for dangerous drugs that make the shit out on the street look like penny candy." you are working off the assumption that a doctor = bad medicine. I've never known anyone, to have recevied a bad prescript..I'm not saying doctors don't make errors, but come on, lets look at the reality of it here...doctors don't make mistakes or are not any more succeptable to bad business and bad decisons that any other profession. you should be more mistrustful of the guy serving you burgers than the guy recommending prescriptions, all things considering, they both have the power to destroy you, which one would you want in charge of your fate, the guy with a 6-8 year education? I think i'll give him, the benefit of the doubt FIRST. i think your approach is highly negative, you are assuming the worst....you write the whole profession off before you walk through the door. In general you always seem to present the worst of things, the extreme cases, and well either you are the exception to the norm, or a gross exagerator...it doesn't matter to me...the kind of medicine you choose is irrelavent to me, i only wish you the best, i could care elss how you acheive it, like antigone said, we care for isolde, and advising her to bugger off the whole deal seems irrational, and like you said "one must be rational." you bet

No, she was just giving me her opinion, which happens to be similar to mean. I'm glad you care for me, honest, I am, I just wonder sometimes...I was just talking to someone who was given the wrong medication for three years. Not a goodness. The doctor said: "Oh, I guess you aren't getting better, hm. I guess we should put you on the right medication then..." I'm paraphrasing, obviously, but...really. Anyway. My father taught me to mistrust doctors, he has permanent eye damage from a badly done operation, I had to have a tooth removed a few years ago because the dentist botched a root canal and the tooth was rotting my gums away, and generally I've had bad experiences with doctors. This recent bout of steroids and severe medication is making me even less trustful. I've ben taking medication for my eyes since I was eight. They aren't any better, the infection in them keeps coming back again and again, I tell the doc, I tell different docs, they say "deal with it," or "you aren't taking the medicine right..." I'm just bitter, perhaps. Anyway. the rain stopped. Perhaps it will snow. Geek boy has invited me to go to a friend's house about an hour away with him for a couple days.

My mother was a counselor at a university until she recently retired. My dad is a philosophy professor. How I turned out? Ok, I guess.

More that ok sem,you turned out fine.

i still don't think i'm being negative. not at all. i'm doing my best to support isolde, to tell her my honest opinion & not just a bunch of fluffy bullshit. the last time i was in a hospital, they nearly killed me w/ an OD. my husband's been misdiagnosed repeatedly. my mother was nearly blinded by bad medicine. & my friend, pug, who posts here sometimes, is a severe athsmatic who was once refused life-saving medication because he has long hair (the doctor declared that he must a drug addict & wouldn't prescribe anything for him). pug has gone through living hell because of his athsma. i had a fascinating phone conversation w/ pug this morning. he was telling me about how his mom worked in the mental health care field for years. she's pretty damn jaded about the whole thing now, realizing how little the doctors she worked for (in a large, nationally-known clinic) cared for their patients. i don't think that doctors of any stripe have godlike powers. period. somewhere, i've got some stats on how many people doctors killed last year due to incompetence (i had collected the figures for an article i wrote). it's pretty amazing. it's a figure in the thousands. my husband's comment wasn't sensationalistic at all. it was just a passing comment that i thought was amusing. hubby worked for years in a pharmacy. the workers lived in the pharmacy, literally sleeping there on cots overnight, pulling incredibly long shifts. half of the guys were on acid. the other half were just totally fucking worn out. some guys were so sleep-deprived that they were having hallucinations. did bad prescriptions go out of that place? hell, yes. some of them had extremely serious results. there's nothing special about medical (or psychological) practitioners that exalts them in my mind. they're just mechanics for the human body or mind. some mechanics are incompetent. some will rip you off. one out of a hundred might actually know what they're doing. those are the ones you go back to--the ones who've proven themselves over time. doctors, like anyone else, must prove themselves worthy of long-term patronage. i support isolde 200%. that's the bottom line.

the drugs from the hospital aren't necceccarily (sp, i know) any better than street drugs. ritalin, for instance, i believe has a larger effect on your psyche than cocaine. i was on that damn drug for four years, from when i was eight years old. this so-called "wonder drug" is commonly prescribed as the cure-all for hyperactive children. i stopped taking it in sixth grade (i refused to take it, tired of being on some drug day in day out). my parents were fully convinced that i needed this drug and it would help me to be "normal". if you're normal, then you can't be sublime.

Indeed, Pez, that's how I feel. I really want to see those stats, Crimson, can you post them?

aren't drugs wonderful? [/sarcasm]

i believe this came from the associated press, less than a year ago: "Medical mistakes are a stunningly huge problem, a new report by the Institute of Medicine said. It quoted studies estimating that at least 44,000 and perhaps as many as 98,000 hospitalized Americans die every year from errors."

but it's not just happening here. this is a much earlier set of stats, from the mid-90s: "In an analysis of health spending across Australia, the equivalent of over $400 million - one-sixth of total expenditure treating injuries - was spent on treating patients made more ill by the medical treatment they received for their conditions. These include patients injured by surgery, infected with bacteria during hospitalization or poisoned by the wrong drugs or incorrect dosages."

Wow. That _is_ interesting. I've never had surgery. I'm kind of afraid to have surgery that isn't needed, since I see so many people end up with mistakes. I think it also has to do with the people I know, but...I don't know. I've known some really good doctors and some bad ones. Whatever. The medical profession fascinates me. I wanted to be a doctor for the longest time.

one more. this one's from a white house press release: "...The United States has some of the finest medical institutions and best trained health care professionals in the world. However, as the Quality Commission reported last year, millions of Americans are harmed or even killed each year as a result of inappropriate or erroneous medical treatment." "Over half of the adverse medical events that occur each year are preventable, causing the deaths of as many as 98,000 Americans annually and adding as much as $29 billion to our Nation's health care spending."

Yeah, that's really bad. It would be horrible to die or know someone who died due to a misdiagnosis... But... We don't understand the human body NEARLY enough to make a correct diagnosis every time. There are a lot more diseases than there are symptoms. Doctors are overworked because there aren't enough of them. Even after 8 years of school, nobody is perfect. Yes, there are doctors who just don't care anymore, yes there are doctors, nurses, etc who think they know everything and are infallable. But we need doctors very badly. To hold a blanket mistrust of all doctors is pretty harsh for people who work so hard. And it's gotta hurt REAL bad to kill someone because you had been up for over 24 hours, at work, and just wrote one too many zeros, and the nurse administering the drug was too worn out to realise that this was a mistake. It should hurt, too. It shouldn't happen. And those numbers sound very high. But the VAST majority of the time those doctors get it right. Or at least as right as the limited medical knowledge available can provide. Like we all know, nobody notices you until you screw up. Well, I've never had a doctor screw up on me. I wouldn't have lived beyond birth without some pretty good doctors. Doctors haven't always been able to help me. I haven't found a doctor who can tell my why my back hurts all the time. But they've tried. They haven't hurt me. I generally trust doctors, though I'm going to watch out for tired ones, and pay close attention to what they give me. Yeah. So thanks, Docs. Just wanted to represent the oppressed side. Heh.

You aren't oppressed. I realize mistakes are made, doctors stay up late working...but some of those numbers are a result of carelessness, and it makes me sad. My doctor friend, Phyllis, just had a patient die on her despite everything she could do--of course she was upset, but what could she do? It's really stressful to have to deal with an experience like that, but sometimes...sometimes it's something that could have been prevented. Like the root canal episode. Could have been prevented, and it would have saved me a lot of money and pain.

there would be a lot more people dead without doctors, than with i guess if we got robots, we might rule out human error, but then again somebdoy would have to repair the drones, and pay for them....hmmmm

For clarity: I'm not oppressed... at least not for the reasons stated above. I was (quazi) humerously implying that doctors are oppressed in this message board. I also like to use the word Oppressed. It reminds me of Suppressed which I have less opportunity to use. I like Suppressed because of the book Alice in Wonderland, in which Alice has always wondered what it meant to be suppressed, until she discovers that it means to have a canvas bag thrown over you, tied shut and sat upon.

can't remember if i mentioned this already...but i have a friend whose kid sister was killed by a drunken doctor trying to perform a tonsillectomy. he cut her throat instead. it was interesting when they had to explain this little blunder to the girl's parents. oops. after all these years, the mother still grieves. i saw her clutch one of the little girl's dolls & burst into tears. horrifying. as much as i distrust the medical establishment, which is plenty, i'll admit that there are times when one might need to "trust" them--or at least go pay them a visit. i have to be in pretty dire shape to go see a mainstream medical doctor. but i've gone & will likely go again--probably within a week. it will be one diagnosis among several. i'll get checked out by other sources, too. sure as hell can't hurt.

I have to give them credit, they did save my eye, and for that I am thankful. But...I don't know. I think that medicine made a big change in society, defienently--life expecatancy, for example, went way up...I wonder what life would be life if no doctors had ever emerged.

more over, what would life be like without WEASELS!!!!! THEM DAMN WEASELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The world would be a much sadder place without weasels, but lord knows, we could use fewer people in the world named Wally.

Wow. Leave for a few days and see what I've caused! Set a fire and leave he does.... I even got phone calls... You are okay Isolde, and I meant no disrespect. Do what you want and above all, be honest with the docs. I meant to be as straight and serious as it sounded. "Dog" reference is strictly directed at asthmatics who won't give up their animals even though dangerously allergic to them. I dunno if you've a dog or not. Irrelevant. No: I don't know your history and didn't pretend I did. I simply responded to red flags thrown down on the play. I do have opinions on albuterol taken long term, but I will not share them. I don't care to debate, but I'll apologize if you _felt_ I was judgemental. You are entitled to your feelings, and if you felt a certain way because of my comments, I am truly sorry to have caused upset. I did not mean to be personally judgemental in any way. I simply care. If it means anything, my work in dual diagnosis psychiatric care in a well respected behavorial health system has come to an end ... coincidentally ... for many of the same reasons mentioned above regarding psychiatrists and psychiatry. I resigned last Wednesday. I plan to continue my work in the field of addiction treatment and research, concentrating on the neurophenomenology and psychobiology of consciousness in recovering individuals. And working in a private street front treatment center with addicts, gamblers, families, and generally persistent offenders in the criminal justice system. No white coat. No hoitey toitey atmosphere. Just the practical nature of helping those who want help. If you knew me, you would know I put little faith in allopathic western medicine. That's also irrelevant. Glad to have stirred up something. Someone complained we sorabjites were boring. Yeah. Email if you want, I'm heading off to northern Minnesota on Friday.

Minnesota? What on God's green earth are you doing there? Are you happy or sad about resigning? I mean, how do you think that the healthcare system can be reformed to better serve patients? I have opinions abot albuterol taken long term, also, and so does my doc: bad. I had to use it way to often, which is why I was switched to asthmacort. I wasnt' exactly delighted about that, either. At any rate, I'm improving, I'll soon be able to go down to two puffs three times a day. For a while there it looked like breathing treatments and oral steroids were on the way for me... You can email me too. I don't hate you. I just tend to react strongly to statements like the one you made...seeing as how I'm psychotic and all, I have ot keep up appearances...;)

You should say you are sorry

uh, oh. patrick is starting to catch on to the 'great robot secret' for your information there are NOT thousands of robots disguised as people all over the world. in the background. doing all the things that people would not want to do. i repeat, no robots.

I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANY ROBOTS GOODAY

every day is "goo" day when you live like swine.

I will admit to being very lucky, for most of my life my doctor had also been my next-door neighbor. The guy I definitely trust. My new doctor, I don't trust too much. He doesn't seem very involved. Hope I don't get sick.

New script: flovent. I'll pick it up in town later.

On a thoroughly unrelated note, remember when everybody was bitching about Valentine's Day (I can't find the thread), about what a contrived holiday it was? Ever heard of Sweetest Day??? Just got this e-mail: "Sweets for your sweet are here at 1-800-FLOWERS.COM! Sweetest Day is Saturday, October 21 and we have just the collection of goodies they'll love! Click here to see our Sweetest Day Collection" etc. etc. I'm sure this holiday will grow up to rival Groundhog Day in popularity.

blah blah, words words words. what the fuck is this: [/sarcasm] ? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? WHAT THE RFUCK IS THIS?

<Explanation> Probably some sort of new code to express that what became before the [/sarcasm] was sarcasm, similar to HTML. </Explanation>

i understand that much. but what the fuck is it doing in the vernacular? and where is the open tag? and why [ instead of < ? WHY?

[with resignation] Ours is not to question why, Nate. [/with resignation]

MINE IS TO QUESTION WHY.

<ASS_FUCK INTENSITY="grotesque"> Get over it... </ASS_FUCK>

Hey Heather where the hell have you been? How the hell are you? Oh and travelogue: I'm flying into Mnpls but ending up in the woods next to a river about a couple of hours outside of the metro area...drumming and dreaming the bones for three days. I am exceedingly happy about moving out of a restrictive health care setting, about working directly with no bullshit problems with no bullshit people with a no bullshit administration. And I am exceedingly grateful to be mentioned and possibly included in a NIDA proposal, the end result for me totally unknown. My next gig is speaking on surviving as a single dad, Nov 21st, St. Louis. Therefore break in the action and HOPEFULLY a little downtime and r&r with someone special (you know who you are). Nurture this. But NIDA might take me to Mexico or Arizona, so of course I am a little preoccupied. Perhaps just a little.

hi daniel i have been here and there---summer i traveled and then worked like a mad person. school somehow facilitates visiting this place in a more regular way. my own thoughts on psych stuff i have not mentioned....perhaps because of you. most people who try to help people seem to have not yet come to terms with themselves, and in that sense i feel that the help they have to offer may be limited. i cannot deal with the boxes and categories that this field tends to place people in in their effort to understand and work with people- i think the scope of what is 'right' and 'wrong' as far as how people should be is sadly narrow sighted. when i went to talk because i hadn't eaten or slept in three days, i was offered pills. FOUR different prescriptions- i took the sleeping pills for a few days to get some rest but refused to take the rest. some people will just never understand the position you're in and can do little to help you.

why were you unable to eat or sleep for 3 days.....???

I just finished writing a ten page paper for my Vietnam Literature class. I've been working on the damn thing for weeks. I'm still not happy with it..but it's getting turned in to the professor in less than an hour. I believe I deserve a good grade...an A...but we'll see. Right now I'm tired. But this is all inconsequential, and has nothing do do with the thread here...but it does... I'm getting to it. One of the topics I wrote about was how, we, as human beings, need...*need*....have this unquenchable need to share our beliefs with other people. To share our stories. To share our advice. It's what brings us together. Heather, most people in the world haven't come to terms with themselves. That's the purpose of living. To one day figure yourself out. Or not, and who cares if you do. You're living. Hit yourself with multiple directions....try and figure out what you're comfortable with. Use other people to bounce ideas off of, and to bounce ideas off of you. They don't have it figured out either..but that's the joy of being human...we help each other. But then again, I haven't a damn thing figure out. So maybe my advice is futile. Daniel...I'm interested in hearing your perspectives on being a single dad. I come from a single parent household...my mother's. Most divorcee kids do get raised by their mothers. I'm always enthralled to see a father who's doing it...and doing it well. My ex-fiance had a three year old from his ten year marriage. He and his ex wife decided that she would have full custody and he allowed visitation. He accepted this...as best for his child. I grew up without a male influence in my life and have a very difficult time picturing a dad as a main role in the growing process. I love hearing stories about dads who do raise their children..it opens me up more. Something that I desire greatly... God...can you tell I've been writing an analytical essay for the past six hours? Ugh.

My father raised me. He turned out ok. My mother is a psycho bitch.

Thanks for the compliment, but I should clarify. I am single, and I am a dad, and I am not a custodial parent most of the past eleven years. When my then wife decided on our 17th anniversary to visit her singles group (we were still married and cohabitating at the time) on the anniversary night...the boys and I moved out. First few years of my divorce the boys were with me more than half of the time, and their mother lived but three houses and a football field apart. When she remarried someone else and we, as mom and dad, decided to change the boys' school from private to public (I actually had little say in the matter as she was also moving), she regained actual physical custody the majority of the time. We have joint legal, but she has primary physical, yet the boys were with me for some formative years. After her remarriage, my youngest decided to stop visiting me for nearly a year or so. This past year, my older son graduated from hs shortly after the step dad died unexpectedly of cancer; son went on to college and is rarely seen by either of his parents unless needing moola. Younger is still junior in hs, and both boys work. My younger son has only spent limited time, again, with me as I moved about twenty miles away up into the hills. I travel a bit, work too much, and have missed a great deal of both boys' growing experiences. My workshop deals with the grief and loss associated with single parenting, expecially the single parenting that is non custodial. I feel very fortunate to have the contact I have with the boys. They have grown and prospered in spite of my self-perceived absences. My friends, my best friend (and a key person to the boys too, as we lived together for 5 yrs and vacationed with the boys together...), as well as the guys themselves do not see me as an absent father. But my perception is that I have not done enough -- though I did more as an absentee dad during those times than my non-absentee dad did for me. I will be talking about the mistakes I've made, loneliness, grief at holidays, money, serenity, game playing...at the workshop. I'll be talking about the successes too, and rewards of being single, being dad, and being single dad. Heather: email me sometime and I'll tell you current architectual albatross tales.

If your lonesome for children,you can have mine.