This is an email I got yesterday. I thought it was pretty funny. My uncle added some stuff and sent it this morning so I'll chuck it on the end... To the citizens of the United States of America... In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed" . 2. There is no such thing as "US English" . We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian and New Zealand accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "shit". 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day. 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 10. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan. 11. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

hehehehehe. freakin' americans.

"10. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan." Before you belittle our national pasttime, maybe you should do a little more research. The World Series encompasses US and Canada. Cuba and Japan have nothing to do with it.

Everybody note that amendment. I didnt write it Dougie it was a forward I got.

Can't we all just get along?

I don't believe she is belittling our national pastime. That was very, very funny.

Oh shut up or they'll ship you out here Dougie...and then you'll pout non-stop because our pubs don't have that fancy forrun Bud stuff you like to drink. (Thanks Moon Lovey, I'm sending it out to a few of the new subjects right away)

God forbid

I think I should visit austrailia. A pub without bud. I need to see it, now. They don't have it in Eire, either. Thank God. It would be an insult to Guinness. This is an aside, I know. But while I'm waiting for Cat to send me an address so that I can mail her something exciting (perhaps even a "unique vermont gift"), WHEN is my mailart going to arrive?

You can get bud here. It is around $17 for a six pack of bottles. They dont stock it everywhere however.

i just got that email, too. how irritating. stupid mailing lists.

The best beer I ever had in my life was an Imperial beer,they made it in Costa Rica,tried to get some when I came back,but they don't export it here.I'd drink it everyday if they did.

yeah i got it yesterday. its not THAT funny in further seperating the divide and creating unecessary strife on the boards...i'd like to go on record that Guinness is NOT the god of beer....its fuckin rank, mudlike beer served at room temp.....beer should not be torturous

ah, pussy. get back to your little dusty corner with your tecate and mexiweed.

Have you only had Guinness in the states? Because the stuff here isn't worth touching with a ten foot pole. But my beloved Ireland...that's another story. Anyhow. I'm all for unecessary strife.

Oh and: 12. Send us a picture of Nate's cock or we'll blow up the Statue of Liberty. We're sick of just hearing the stories and want proof.

dusty corner? listen up you nocal ganja snob....patrick don't smokey the ditch weed, patrick eats the ditchweed if its onsale...patrick smokey the good shit...the glow in the dark shit.... tecate is an alright beer....my favorite and usual is bass... so go choke on your uppity Anchor Steam and santa cruz elitist weed what stories are you referring to cat? go ahead take the statue, no one visits it but foreigners anyway

Actually, I think Nate is SoCal too. Am I wrong? Blast it all. The statue isn't very exciting. Doesn't raise any tears in my eyes any time I see the damn thing.

yes you are

guinness is nastay. if i have to drink "authentic" stout, i'll have beamish over guinness every time. it's holiday season again and, while holidays felch dog cum (no need to discuss pros and cons of holidays. it's been done to death.), holiday ales are in full effect. rejoice!

Try a black and tan first. You've got to wean yourself onto to it. What's wrong with holidays, dave.? I rather like them.

Oh let's talk about the pros and cons of holidays...I'm all for disobeying dave. It's all part of my plot to win over Agatha. I adore Christmas. This could be my first one alone, so it might be different. Anyway, I'm still going to do all the cooking and carrying on I usually do and who knows...Santa might bring me a special present.

i don't wanna talk about it. you've heard it all before.

(Sorry Isolde, can't find your email addy anywhere)

oh, and it's not like guinness is too strong. it's darkness is misleading. it's about the weakest dark beer i've ever had. yes, i've had it on tap. yes, it was poured properly. yes, i wasted $4.50. yes, i should have just stuck with a brown ale or a porter. mmmm. porter.

cat, wait till valentine's day...you should win her over for good at that time....

grrrrrr.

Everything except the stuff in Eire=nasty. Nast. I don't really like beer, but I do like it. Anyhow...

How do you not really like beer, but like it?

I have an odd sense of taste, I guess. I really hate all american beers and beer in a can unilaterally.

I have to agree with the nastatiousness of the holiday season. Christmas is indeed grotendous. I've always assoiciated it with nasty, snarling greed and other similar emotions. I think being pulled between two families had something to do with it... At times it was nice to think of having two christmases, but the whole problem of deciding who got my brother and I for the actual christmas day and who had to settle for the day before or after was unpleasant, as was the oddness of having chrismas morning with a different family than I would sleep with that night. My brother developed the same attitude, and when he was young, threw some clothes he got at our tree. He didn't like to get clothes for christmas. The whole month before bites my ass as well. The whole Christmas symbolism and color scheme I see everywhere has become so gaudy and irritating in my eyes... Same goes for those of the United States. Maybe when I'm out of school and VERY far from home, I will be able to enjoy it... Or maybe I'll just move to Japan and give up the idea altogether. So that's what I think of it all.

II'm about the only one I know who has has been married a long time,I guess I stayed for my kids.

I like Thanksgiving. I don't get to see my family very often, and it's a nice chance to see them without having all the trappings of Christmas.

dave is the anti-holiday. it's all wrapped up in the general anti-ness that comes from not liking anyone or anything telling him what to do. the government, bosses, police, holidays- dave hates them all. silly boy.

shaddup. and pay that phone bill, why don'cha.

where is it?

oooh. nice one. nevermind. i'll take care of it.

Oh you big strong hunter and gatherer you.

come here so i can fart on your head.

I'll be right over. That's the best offer I've had all day.

i'm saving some global warmers just for you. you better show up or i'll have to unleash on agatha and it'll be your fault.

you the kinda of guy to fart in bed and wave the sheets around aren't ya?

not exactly. i do fart in bed - a lot - but waving the sheets takes the surprise out of it. remember: ninja fart. by the time they notice, it's far too late.

do you think having a child desensitizes these kinds of subjects....make em easier....because your little one...with no bias or prejudices at all....will make comments like "ohh daddy you STINK!!!....." "or Mommy daddy poo-ed and it stinky in the bathroom" eventually its get easier to be more open and easy going about these types of things.... or were you openly farting on agatha's head in the bed since day one?

I've always been pretty open about bodily stuff. Of course, I'm not married. In the hypothetical situation of me releasing silent but deadlies, I'd be ok with it. If, on the other hand, in the hypothetical situation of releasing a loud one...not ok.

My little nephew calls them "bottom burps". Too cute.

we have an open door policy about the bathroom although i get kinda cranky when agatha insists on having a conversation with me while i'm painting the toilet. cleo's beeen showing a little modest lately. i don't think i've ever farted on her head. i don't really have to. the effect is the same whether i'm an inch away or 10 feet away. excuse me while i bottom vomit.

eee

My five year old niece says," oooh,'cuse my bottom,please."Very charming,and easily forgivable.

don't know why i'm so chatty... my mom baby-sat for twin boys while i was in highschool [she loved it, they were about 4 years old.] for a while one of their favorite phrases was, "i'm a cool dude, and i like to gas."