we'd been on the edge of officially breaking off everything since we decided to cancel the wedding. off and on, anyway. back and forth. cancelling the wedding threw a switch in me. there was what i expected: fear, conflict, sadness. strange, heavy sadness. i've not experienced sadness so painful. honestly, i never even believed it possible. but what was totally unexpected was clarity. real nate as experienced when the 'do first for her' has been removed. love really fucks your mind. another thing that, perhaps, i hadn't believed possible. surely, had not realized was in effect. even if the notion had risen, my ego would not have allowed me to consider it. you see, the infaliability of logic is a cornerstone in the foundation of my self. specificially, the infaliability of My logic. even when pressed with evidence on all sides. even when it is clear that my brain doesn't operate with such pristine precision anymore. even when i know how easy it is to adjust the brain. for years i'd been adjusting my brain. deciding to want or not want things so that our futures could be congruent. so many things, without realizing it. and then, like a switch, it was gone. lifted. something inside me, not my lungs but like a child curled up in my chest, took a deep, full breath for the first time in years. his eyes opened and clicked on and suddenly everything seemed richer. dorothy waking in oz. i've been wandering around like this ever since we postponed. the conflict is unreal: joy and despair all at once. a cake with shit frosting. in complete opposition to my general "take the easy road" philosophy. go with the flow and everything will go your way. don't worry, let things happen. this is work. emotional work. real work. breaking apart these two lives is so much harder than just going with the flow. continuing on. i could have pulled it off. no sweat. but i glimpsed the extent of a life. i realized my mortality. if i stay here i will not get the things done that i want done. i will not get to live the lives that i want to live. instead, i would have a nice suburban house with two kids and two cats and a dog. join the pta and watch my mouth and keep my ass clean. fuck it all. i've been less patient because of this. we drove to san diego and back, civil but nothing more. we drove to see the parents, went to the symphony. argued on the way home. over so little. melting. melting. she's been packing today. it's over. for real. my legs ache, my pack is heavy, and i want to be done. but it's a long walk back to where the truck is parked, and we're out of water, and there's nothing to do but keep going. it will be over.

Dearest Nate: I've been putting off posting on this for lack of anything valuable to say about the matter. As it has been over a week and I am still no closer to reaching those elusive words, I will just say this: breaking up is horrible. I'm so sorry you are going through all the muck and mire of separating out your intertwined lives. However, you are both brave in realizing that your conflicts would only end up as unresolved and bitter resentment later on down the road. You are a kind and intelligent man with your whole life in front of you. Be strong and feel better when you are ready. Carry on- Love, Kelsey

Love, the strongest of all emotions. Love is the strongest for one reason and one reason only. No other emotion has the power to cause EVERY other emotion, aside from itself to happen, Love can. Nate, I realize that I am young, and to know what this is like for you would be impossible for me. Although I will say that I wish the best for you, I'm glad to know that you understand where your life should travel and are not taking the easy road because its simple and easy. Life fucks with us all, and of all the sorabjites since I've been here you've always seemed to be the one whom life didn't touch, you seemed invincible. And with all of the events that have happened and are to surely follow, it only prooves two things to me. 1) You are stronger then I could have ever imgagined, that life has its grips on all of us even you, and it takes a truly strong person to deal with it in an afluent manner. 2) Your invincible, and your simple heartstrong enlightened resolve has made you my hero.

hang in there buddy.

nate, tell us about the lives that you want to live. describe in great detail, if you can, if you're inclined.

love is not an emotion you already know this nate, but i believe that few people are capable of being honest enough, even to themselves, to do what you are doing

Nate, for what it's worth, you are huge in my eyes for having the courage and strength to do what you know is right despite the pain it's causing. The Stoics would say you are a truly virtuous man. My thoughts are with you.

it takes courage to break away from the norm. go follow your dreams and let nothing stop you. i think it's selfish to just stop when you know that you're capable of more.

when you say the "norm"...we aren't speaking of animal rights or the environment here. we are speaking of a mans heart. a relationship such as his, or mine requires compromise...it's just a fact. the question is, how much. in his case, too much...in my case, its a works in progress, if anything too little on my part. this is not courage as in courage to eat free range chicken as opposed to non free range chicken. this courage pez, that at your age, you may not be able to fathom. At your age i was also saying i would never buy into the institution of marriage. But you know, time, circumstances, people and most of all the potential of love can knock you on your ass. I am just NOW at the threshold of realizing true love, after 7 years. I look forward to 10-15...thats when it should really get good. I suspect nate was close to the doorstep as well. I think marriage is not so much about a commitement to give and receive true love, as it is a committment to find it...a works in progress. Its actually quite selfless to give up something of yourself for another person.

nate, you've managed to get another chance at freedom. don't fuck it up this time.

do you realize that people are conditioned into roles selected for us since the days they were born? it takes courage to step into the uncertainty of your dreams and ideals. not that "normal" life these days is stable, but people cling to the illusion. anything can happen with one spark, one instant, that changes your world forever. * * * i think i'll have to go for the installment plan in paying for classes this term.

dave, you hurt my feelings.

i don't want to get in the middle of that. i appreciate all of you. thank you. sorabji is my diary.

jeezus

you'll be ok, nate. join the marines. be all you can be.

Agatha, I've always admired the way you and Dave keep your dirty laundry off the sorabji line.

Dave... You want him to join the Marines and the Army? Hell why didn't you just tell him to "See the world." while you were at it?

a im high.

you mean the hair?

remember kid n play with the eraser hair? *cough*

Aw Yeah.... Ain't gonna hurt nobody, on the dance floor! My roommate my junior year in college used to blare the intro of that song over and over again, usually just the Aw Yeah part. Just to annoy the fuck out of the rest of the floor. We got along famously.

what was that called again? hi-lo, or lo-hi? or some shit like that? dave hurt my feelings, everybody. my life partner is a cruel and unusual fella. let's gang up on him, i'll start: dave, you so hairy that the barber charges you triple.

dave, yo house is so small, cockroaches have to eat in shifts.

pst... that's a burn on agatha, too.

pretty accurate, though.

Sorry, I don't know any other insults in that format.

all i know is the "yo' mama"s.

Dave, I kick yo' in the jimmy...

there will be no jimmy kicking. thank you.

you guys are lame. surely, you can do better than that.

you suck monkey ass dave. you just can't say shit like that, as I am sure you know by now. but i make dumb mistakes like that all the time. but i make them only once.

i'm a repeat offender. i repeat: i will offend again.

your momma got feet on her titties and when she falls down she keeps on running.

that doesn't even make sense.

tell that to flava flav.

dave, you are not allowed to participate in the insulting of yourself. it's just not right.

but i have so much practice.

Self-deprecation begins at home.

dave's ass is so fat and hairy it looks like two muskrats crawled up the back of his legs.

Dave is so ugly that when the doctor turned him over,he said "oh look,twins!". Sorry Dave,I couldn't help myself

now, that's more like it.

Dave is so ugly that when he was born,his mom said"what a treasure" and his dad said"yes,let's go bury it".

HA!

You're ugly AND I think you're fat.

you guys are all pathetic. even droopy. i'm surprised a texas boy can't come up with better than that. muskrats are damn cute.

dave looks sexy in womens' underwear.

no he doesn't. dave couldn't even fit in women's underwear.

I was the Labor&Delivery nurse at Daves birth,and when he made his appearance,I had to make a quick decision. I decided to show the parents the placenta and Dave,and let them decide which they would rather take home. But I'd like to see Dave in womens underwear.

that was the best one so far. thanks, czarina.

i was a gorgeous baby.

That's the story of the "Chosen One." His parent's chose the placenta.

BTW, Dave is as dumb as a post. An Agent D post! DOH!

My pleasure,Agatha.

dumpster boy just came on the scene and ripped on agent D and the chosen one... hmm... DOH!!

Dumpster Boy lives! "Came" all over the scene, and the director exclaimed, "that's a take!"

BTW, I saw Dave at the beach once... people kept trying to roll him back in the water!

Dave nickname is an exotic fruit... UGLI!

Dumpsters scare me.One time I was driving behind the garbage man,and I saw something I have never been able to forget. It must have been some privately owned garbage truck,cause it was disgustingly filthy,more so than your average garbage truck,and there was this filthy,skinny black man riding in with all the garbage,and he was kinda picking through the stuff.I have never been able to get this image out of my mind.I felt so sorry for him.I was never sure if he was looking for food,or just seeing if there was some "treasures" to be found in there. I still worry about this man,and hope his life has improved.

That was me, lady!!! One day I found this here computer in a dumpster behind a pet store. There must have been a hundred bestiality sites bookmarked. And Sorabji.com.

Shut the fuck up you low life piece of trash! Bestiality is no joking matter. Animals have feelings too, you know!

Funny how Dumpster and Sin Nicole have the same IP. I'm getting tired of these games.

watching someone play a game with themselves is sad

I'm so glad I don't have to dump garbage in dumpsters anymore.Right Heather,it's like seeing them masterbate or something.

There's medications that can help.

Unless it's ME who's doing the masturbating.... I lived in this squat, once----Dumpster Diving was the sport of kings. "Hey! You guys wanna go to MacDumpster????" So they'd go back to MacDumpster and haul back a ton of food----always pretty well untouched. It's amazing what restaurants will throw away. Urban Survival 101.

I wish you hadn't shared that with us.

I use to see people in dumpsters,once when cleaning a travel agency,I accidently stepped on some bum that was sleeping by the dumpster,I didn't see him,you should have heard us scream.

the dumpster behind the Hostess factory was always a score.

I have to admit that might be a possibility for me.Theres just nothing quite as tasty as a Hostess chocolate cupcake when I'm PMS'ing.

And as for masterbating, my definition of a fierce competitor is the guy who places 1st and 3rd in a jack-off contest.

we used to go to godfather's after it closed and get pizza out of the dumpster. we called it punk rock pizza. ahhh, those were the days.

i pulled a lopsided basketball out of a dumpster once. you sick fucking bastards.

we would call pizza hut or what have you, make bogus orders for pick up, and then go around closing time....usually find semi warm pizzas till in the box.

at a dave eggers reading a year ago, I asked him if he had ever eaten out of a dumpster. he said no.

Poor Dave,on his first day of school his parents dropped him off at the nursery...there he was,surrounded by all those trees and bushes.

heh heh.

HA! keep em coming...

I've seen people like Dave before,but I had to pay admission! If what you don't know can't hurt you,Dave must be invulnerable!

nigh invulnerable. when's the tick gonna be on? that better be a good show.

Fall. Looks Ok from the previews i saw, but I doubt it will be as good as the cartoon.

Don't get mad at us Dave,don't even think about it,you can make fun of me too,I do all the time.

i don't see how it could be. i'm not mad at all, j. just haven't had much to share lately.

Same for me Dave,I just have everyone on my ass.

dear nate, In the Hopi Indian tradition, when a man and woman from the tribe fell in love [for lack of better nomenclature], it was recognized formally by the entire tribe, and the man and the woman would begin spending a lot of time together, publicly and privately. After a certain amount of time went by, and if they remained in love and wanted to make a home together, the man and the woman then shacked up in their own teepee. There was no equivalent of a marriage ceremony at this stage in the relationship. Tribe tradition allowed for a one-year trial period of shacking up together. At the end of one year of teepee living, if things were not working out, the woman would place her man's shoes (moccossans?) outside of the teepee door. This meant that living together was not working out, and the man and woman would separate. Of course, if she didn't put his shit kickers outside of the teepee door, it meant everything was copacetic and presumably they had a Hopi unity ceremony of some sort, and they lived happily ever after... or at least until the white man came and raped all the women in the tribe and gunned down all the elders and enslaved the rest of them and stole whatever valuables they had. Anyway, I guess the lesson is that loving someone and living with someone are two entirely different stations on the train ride of a relationship. I guess you could say the same for living with someone and building a future with someone. Each station along the tracks of the process of the relationship are unique. They may or may not build one upon the other. I'm really appreciative that you shared your experience with me (us) regarding your break-up with A. I've spent some time re-reading and reflecting on it while I've had this down time. It helped give me a different perspective on my own blossoming relationship. I am filled with hope and a sense that this is the right thing for me and for us; Kev and I have a solid foundation of trust and abject honesty and frank communication that will help us overcome many of the obstacles we will be facing in the future. Nonetheless, we shouldn't expect that we will make it through every train station of our relationship. We have a perfect soul connection on the friendship level, and we're on our way to the lover/romantic train station, and maybe some day to the living together train station, and maybe even past that. But nothing is for certain, except for the way I feel. I love Kevin. I don't feel any differently about him today than I did a month ago or three months ago. And if things don't work out in future train stations, I will be sad, but I will still love him and if I'm strong enough, even might be able to go on being friends with him. Though at times I have been very frustrated over the last year, his friendship has been crucial to my growth, he has taught me more things that I could write about here... and right now I feel as if there is nothing that could happen, there is nothing he could do [short of physical/emotional abuse etc] that could change the love I feel for him, as a person, a friend, and a partner. The reason I am bothering to write all of this to you, is because - though I don't mean to sound presumptuous about knowing you or your feelings - I think I'm just now beginning to understand how hard and painful and confusing this whole process must have been for you and probably continues to be, now that you are on your own. Right now you and I both have a lot of white space on our lives' canvases. My white space is my immobility and infirmary, and this strange lame-duck feeling - transition period - of getting prepared to fold up my life in Hawaii and move to Austin. Your white space might be the emptiness left in the wake of your break-up. Do you feel as blank as I do? I wonder... My best girlfriend Paula traveled here from San Diego to stay with me for a week and take care of me while I'm recovering. She has saved me many times over, both in practical ways and in emotional ways. One thing she did was buy me a set of water colors and a book of blank postcards made from special cold-pressed watercolor paper. I've never painted before in my life (except bathroom walls and such) but it has been a wonderful exercise learning how to do it. Painting with watercolors, you have to first consider where to leave the white space of the thing you want to paint, because unlike acrylics or oils, coloring white over watercolors is a bit more difficult and much less exact. You contemplate layering and white space. You have to be patient for your paint to absorb and dry, and as it does, it naturally settles in, and after it does, often times it ends up looking quite different from the paint brush strokes you started with. With watercolors, it seems you have to let go of the idea of form and precision. It's gloriously inexact, it's all about imagination. Good luck painting in your own white space, nate. I really believe it can be whatever you want it to be, and the picture you're left with may totally surprise you and delight you. You never know. love, sarah p.s. i really hope you do come to Austin to visit. we could have one rockin good time. it's a kick ass town. we will get you some killer cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, and we'll go see some live music, maybe some old country blues. then we'll go to the Tiki Bar and drink flaming coconut and pineapple drinks til we fall down. how's that for the perfect irony? :)

I like the train station simile. Accordingly, the story of MY love life, as stolen from Soul Asylum: "...this time I have really led myself astray runaway train never going back wrong way on a one way track seems like I should be getting somewhere somehow I'm neither here nor there can you help me remember how to smile make it somehow all seem worthwhile how on earth did I get so jaded life's mystery seems so faded..."

i made chocolate chip muffins this morning. yum. Ingredients 2 1/2 cups all purpose flour 1 tbs baking powder 1/2 tea baking soda 2 tbs unsweetened cocoa 3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar 2 eggs 2/3 cup sour cream 2/3 cup milk 1/4 cup oil or 1/2 stick butter, softened semi-sweet chocolate chips Directions: mix dry ingredients in one bowl, wet ingredients in another bowl. blend together well using a fork or whisk or beater set on low. fold in as much chocolate chips as you want. i also put in a third cup dried cranberries for a zing. i suppose you could add nuts if you wanted to, but why? line your muffin tin with those little paper cupcake holders and fill with batter almost to the top. bake at 375 for 20 minutes. eat with lots of ice cream.

oh, and my housemate john went out and got me a rolling stool (with adjustable height) for the kitchen so i can wheel around and cook. it behooves john if i can cook because he likes to sample the goods. also, he got the cat out of the freezer. i have a humongous bag of frozen strawberries, so if anyone has any good ideas of what i can do with them, cooking-wise that is, let me know. i am getting so restless. avoiding avoiding avoiding the shower.

Fondue is coming back,dip those strawberries in chocolate.

If you've got an ice cream maker sarah, make strawberry ice cream. And if you've got mangoes, throw those in too.

or smoothies

Has anyone else noticed there is an inordinate amount of recipie swapping on this site? Not that I object at all, it just seems funny. Q: 'What are the alternative cyber-people chatting about on the high tech internet?' A: 'Delicious baked goods'

dave's ass casserole. 5 tbsps butter dave's ass* (both cheeks), skinned and cut into chunks 1 and 1/2 cups thick cream 1/3 cup vinegar 5 scallions, diced salt & pepper to taste 1/2 tsp thyme melt 3 tablespoons butter in casserole pan and brown dave's ass. mix cream, vinegar, scallions, salt, pepper, herbs, and butter together in a bowl. pour half of the cream mixture into the casserole. cover and simmer slowly for 1 hour over low heat. do not burn dave's ass. skim off the butter and add the rest of the cream mixture. heat gently for 10 minutes until sauce thickens. *2 muskrats may be substited.

How about possum? We don't have any muskrats here, although a pig was murdered in my back yard last night.

the whole muskrat, Droop, or just the asses from two muskrats? adding vodka liberally helps any ass dish you know.

two whole fat, hairy, stinky, adorable muskrats. my uncle once told me a story about possums and the rotting carcass of a dead horse. he said he never ate possum again. i like texas possums - they're like those meek, officious guys at work who shamble around quietly doing their jobs.