today i am floating. i was on the phone last night. didn't go to sleep until after five. i slept for less than i usually need, but i feel fine. chalk that up to good living. and the fact that i'm floating. seriously, my feet don't touch the ground. i'm healed. completely? probably not. but nearly so. certainly, plenty. i'm drunk. bbq'd two tri-tips, several fists full of asparagus, three ears of corn and skewers of shrimp with bacon and zuccini (bathed in olive oil, basil and garlic.) this progressed along with coronas, coronas, coronas. choice tri-tips. cut like butter. ate them with two bottles of merlot. my parents. talked about energy. i broiled my mom the way i broil patrick, until my dad got tired of politics. watched drop dead gorgeous. i laughed while mom went to bed and dad said "what's this crap? when does the movie start?" dad fell asleep. i ate a cookie made with potent pot butter. it's starting to creep in on me. i am floating. it's not the dope, though. floating. i was on the phone last night. i didn't go to sleep until after five. i can't believe. i believe. I BELIEVE. everything, always. it happens the way it should. things happen as they should. things happen to me in order, as they should. things are as they should be. once, i stood on a mountain and willed. i willed in a way that was natural and effortless, but nonetheless, WILLED. it bent for me. IT bent for me. and when her eyes moistened my heart beat so loudly, i swear she could hear. my breath grabbed in my throat. i flooded. my heart beat so loudly. so loudly. strong. boom. boom. boom. boom. boom. why? things happen as they should. you're silly, they might say. or, be careful. or, it's so soon. i say, it doesn't matter i don't want to be and this is the way it is. because things always happen as they should. in order. i took off my coat. it has never been cold enough for that coat, and now that it is off i can dance. i can dance. i move like a sprite. flutter like a butterfly. dart like a dragonfly. my feet don't touch the ground. i fly. i float. it was so dark. before, i had another to see for me. my eyes were wrapped in bandages and i didn't need to worry. i didn't need to worry about the future because it was ordained. it was set. i could will myself into a tiny box so that my concerns could not be voiced. at least, not loud enough to be heard. and i had no need for my eyes, because i was not the one who worried about the future. and then, the other was gone. i peeled the bandages away slowly. not afraid, but unsure. like a beaten dog doesn't know love, i didn't know how to apply my desire. instead i hid. i hid and in the night i lay awake for fear of dreaming. i lay awake, alone and afraid. afraid. that's hard for a man to say, sometimes. so i hid and it was night all the time. darkness filled me. i was sick all the time. i wasn't sleeping. i couldn't focus. i couldn't work. i couldn't do anything that i should have been doing. i went to the doctor. the doctor said "nate, get some rest. take these pills. if you can, take time off." the pills made me sleep, but not wake up. focus dwindled. work suffered. i was slipping. i was frantic for a way out. i talked to my boss. told the whole story. he understood. he talked about how he was proud to extend the compassion of the company. i was signed off for two weeks. it was thursday. i'd my first day off would be monday. i was wrapping up my project, when: nate! sunshine. it spilled in, pushed through my door, flooded my eyes and my mind and spun me dizzy. beyond explanation. from no where. exactly as planned. last night i went to sleep after five AM. the air was cleared. morning rose on the other shore. i could see the structure in the fog, much like my own. i walked out to the end of what i had. standing on the edge of half a bridge, over the middle of the river. i walked out and blindly reached out my hand. and there, blurred by the fog, a hand took mine and shook it. and agreed. and it was. IT WAS. and the fog cleared enough to see another half a bridge ready to meet my own. close enough to jump to. close enough to jump to. close enough to jump to. and the sun rose. it rose like it has never risen before. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. which, roughly translated, means: i, i am curled tightly around nothing, because i am not holding you. my chest aches trying to contain my heart and my breath. my thoughts dance but my mouth is silent, because i've been told to be slow and careful and good, though it conflicts, with everything i know. why can't my door open to where you are? ... everything. always. in time. correctly. without doubt. always. everything. correctly. in time. without doubt. in time. everything. without doubt. correctly. always. always. i am blessed. i am amazed. i am bedazzled. i am floating. |
in particular, im fond of this: "i move like a sprite. flutter like a butterfly" |
open to where you are?" I love these words, even though they made me sad. Such longing. |
good job nate. you even made me, with my spiked black hair and tattoos, and hiss and my evil brown eyes tear up a little bit with that. |
|
|
Your words slipped me into a most introspective space.Maybe,just maybe,things will work out for each of us,given enough time and hope.Perhaps you're just more perceptive/receptive than some of us.Thats an admirable trait,and one I envy. Your words helped me.Thank you. |
|
it's glorious, isn't it? oh god the rush, the hope, the knowing, the feeling. every sense's switch is flipped up. it's almost as if the more chaotic and stirred up the situation is, the more clarity you have. i've gone through this so many times. the hope. the believing. the faith. the wanting. why every time before this time did it all disappear? crumble? now that it's happened to me for real, i have a theory. there's a reason it's called "falling". make sure there's a real foundation when you finally land. otherwise you're right back where you started. did you know that the moon hangs closer to the earth at 5 a.m.? it is the witching hour, the hour of illusion. i am a morning person, i know this to be true. make sure there's a foundation at two in the afternoon. i say this out of love. |
fuck slow and careful and good. life's short. live with abandonment. be reckless. |
|
cz, I got some hope for you if you need some extra. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|