| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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i didn't want to i do trust her. my stomach has clenched. i heard his voice. maybe it would have been better if i hadn't. but i did and now i think of him in her bed holding her. i want to. this is the situation. but i trust her. and i am forcing my body to realize what my mind has realized. i trust her goddamnit i fucking trust her and i will listen to myself. and my arms shake and the knot in my gut wants to tear me to pieces. and my vision has narrowed and i can't focus. and i am telling myself that everything is fine. because i trust her. I TRUST HER I TRUST HER. and it creeps up on me. the old fry. the old friend turned nemisis. it creeps up on me whenever i am tired or hungry or stressed when the focus leaves and it creeps up on me. when the focus leaves and it creeps into me. tangles my eyes the clouds form the focus leaves. but it's ok. this is me. this is not her and this is not Reality. this is me jealousy is my own. i can beat it into the ground with wooden shovels and the headstones of past trips. i can beat it into the ground with faith and trust and knowledge of this Soul perfection for whom the Universe has Willed. Willed as i have been Willed. upon my Path. walking in my direction at my speed and not him. he is not there. i am. I AM. I AM THERE. and there is NOTHING a physical body can do to CHANGE this. NOTHING. i trust her. and soon this will be over. and i'll look back and smile at what little cause i had for this. i am commanding thecloudsaway. iamCOMMANDINGthecloudsaway. lovefaithtrustlovefaithtrustlovefaithtrust. . last night was remarkable. i need to keep that in mind. |
U OK? |
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i understand now what lao tzu was talking about when he expounded on the virtue of trust. it's tough. it can be really tough to be the man you think you are. when relationships begin, love comes in levels. when you think it can't get any better, it does. it does and it does and it does. it did last night. i want to touch her. i can't. not tonight, not tomorrow night. she's far away. he's near her. i'll see her saturday. i'll be a lot happier then. but until then... trust is virtuous. i am the man i believe i am. |
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Jealousy is the most negative of emotions.Its nasty and evil.It is insidious.By allowing it in,you are risking your new relationship. If this person was with her ex,in a romantic manner,then it was not the right time for you and her. Simply ask her,in an adult/pleasant manner.Accept her answer.And move on.If she was,let her go. If she wasn't,accept her answer,and never bring it up again. Jealousy is evil and can destroy the foundation of a strong relationship. |
jealousy IS evil. i'm over it. |
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It seems so lucky just to have the right Of telling you with all my might, You're beautiful tonight. And I know that you will never stray 'Cause you been that way, from day to day For such a long, long time..." |
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catherine always says that, technically, the goal isn't to be able to trust someone else. you can really only trust yourself, and if you do, then you can accurately determine if someone else is trustworthy. in any case, i'm *sure* she is trustworthy. |
i wigged out last night. i'm fine with it now. actually, i'm glad this has happened. i've realized a lot about myself. i think about myself in certain ways. assume i'll behave in certain ways in certain situations. last night, i became true to my vision. i didn't start that way, but writing it out i realized that i could become that way. |
i thought about this thread. similar situation allows me to contrast my feelings. fears? do i trust her more? do i trust myself more? i have no idea. i've changed a lot in this month. to think, it wasn't so long ago that i was cyst's 24 year old stoner pontificating on the Real and damien. back when i knew everything so clearly. and maybe i still do. maybe i've just been living it wrong. either way, i'm not worried in the slightest that heather would do anything that is going to hurt me. this rules. i rule. AHAH. fuckos. |
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im pretty damn sure i know now. ouch im sore. |
last saturday I was almost disappointed that she didn't crash the party like she had threatened to because I had decided I was going to cut the nicety-nice shit and just let her have it (calmly, privately, effectively). the jealousy has waned, as I knew it would, but it's always ready for a flareup. it's not that I don't trust him, it's just that I don't want her around. I wish I could say that I wish her well, but I don't. I am a bad and jealous person. oh well! |
Who programs the Robot? |
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I've missed everything. |
the lord works in mysterious ways. |
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but you're not really much of a kidder. you're kidding, right? |
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really. |
You still owe me $20, though. |
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twit. |
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