Moving and making new friends


sorabji.com: The Stalking Post: Moving and making new friends
THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016).

By Cyclobird on Saturday, July 19, 2003 - 10:58 pm:

    Hi there,
    I just moved to a different city, in a different country, and I feel pretty lonely. I've been here for one month already, the guys at work are ok, nice people, good for smalltalk but not the cheeriest people in the world and, unfortunately, they do not seem the kind of people I'd hang out with. Maybe it'll change in the future as I know them better, I hope so, but building a good friendship needs time and in the meanwhile I sit in front of my computer one saturday night. Simply because I have still nobody to go out with.
    Don't get me wrong, I'm as socially able as any regular guy, I have a pretty nice group of good friends back home and I love them. The problem is that I hate feeling lonely. It is almost pathological. I love hang out with a diverse group of poeple - good friends but also friends of friends. From people I've known my whole life to people I've been introduced to just two hours ago. The bigger the group the better. I love a relaxed conversation while dining with them in a restaurant and sitting down later in a pub or a club enjoying a few drinks and perhaps dance the night away. I love that saturday-night fun almost fanatically these days since I have the feeling that I missed it when I was younger. Here's my dark past: from the social point of view I really wasted my years at the university. Always devoting myself to study and not having fun. Always turning down any invitation to a party, till people stopped inviting me. Actually, at that time I regarded any kind of party-goer as a kind of loser, I didn't like them, confusingly I thought that studying and not having fun made me a better person than them. Now I know I was wrong and the punishment for that mistake seems to be that feeling of loss, the feeling of having wasted an unique opportunity to enjoy good times, because the fun you have when you're in your early 20s is not the fun you have when you're older. That's why I feel so awkward sitting here in front of my computer at 3:00 am in a saturday night.
    Actually, I'm not sure if I'm seeking an advice, although all advices will be welcome. I guess I wanted to express myself. If anyone of you moved to a different city and started from scratch and has any tips, please post them. If anyone shares this necessity of having friends, parhaps we can discuss whether it is pathological or not. I'll be waiting for your replies!


By Ronda on Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 10:56 am:

    twelve years ago, I moved to a different city and basically started from scratch. eventually things fell nicely into place with friends,family, and occupation, with some effort through trial and error.

    I do not believe that the need for friends is pathological in origin... it is merely necessary.

    I realize that language is ambiguous and changes in meaning with the vissisitudes of time; I understand pathological to mean the anatomic or functional manifestation of disease...

    correct me if your use of the word is not the same.

    people do need to mirror themselves through their affiliations with others of like-mindedness: friends

    it serves as a growth hormone... like food for the soul.






By wisper on Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 02:28 pm:

    for the 4 years that i was in college, weekends didn't exist. Weekends were special in that i could work all day and later into the night without worrying about getting up early for class.

    It's not just me. I was in an infamously intense program, grades lower than a B- would get you thrown out.

    Now, years later, i still don't know what to do with weekends. I'm presented with them, and i hardly know what to do. The idea of being free for 48 hours is still alien to me.
    I usually do nothing. Even my parents find it strange when i answer the phone on a friday night.
    Weekends? partying? when did that happen? who did that?
    It doesn't bother me. I don't question it anymore.
    read a book :)


By J on Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 06:54 pm:

    Heather honey, I've seen your picture and you look like Nicole Kidman and with all your smarts that's just not right.You don't meet people staying home,so if you want to read go to the library or Barnes and Noble or join a book discussion club or something.Have some friends over for drinks or dinner,you have to be OUT there.


By J on Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 07:06 pm:

    Oops! Sorry Whisper,the mind is a terrible thing to waste.


By Ronda on Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 10:55 pm:

    may the farce be with you, fakir


By Ronda on Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 10:57 pm:

    heather/whisper?


By heather on Monday, July 21, 2003 - 04:04 am:

    j, you are so sweet.


By One a day on Monday, July 21, 2003 - 05:02 am:

    lalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!!!


By Cyclobird on Monday, July 21, 2003 - 08:42 am:

    Well, thanks everybody for your answers.
    Re to Ronda's question, when I say pathological I mean something like "needing a medical treatment". I was exagerating, I don't think I'm a psychoanalyst's case but I admit that I need to be with friends (and to have fun with them) more than other people do (Wisper for example). I remember being like Wisper during my university years. I did have some free weekends at that time but I'd rather stay home watching a movie or reading something or trying to write the book I'll never write than phoning one of my (few) friends at that time. As I said before, when I look back at those days from now I feel that I did wrong but, hey, there's some people who keeps on enjoying their loneliness (I did at that time). If you're happy, go on with it. We cannot foretell the future, after all.
    Being more practical, this september I'm enroling a course about film history. I've always loved cinema and I think that there's a chance to meet there some nice people sharing my own interests. Have you ever enroled in a course of this kind?


By J on Monday, July 21, 2003 - 10:02 am:

    I think Whisper has.


By semillama on Monday, July 21, 2003 - 10:18 am:

    What country did you move to?


By TBone on Monday, July 21, 2003 - 12:13 pm:

    There's nothing wrong with enjoying solitude, and there's nothing wrong with suffering from loneliness...

    Being alone and being lonely don't have to be the same thing.

    The best way to meet new people is through other people. Don't be picky about who you chill with quite yet. Use your coworkers to meet people you'd actually jive with.

    What country did you move from?


By Cyclobird on Tuesday, July 22, 2003 - 10:29 am:

    I moved from Spain to London (UK). I know, I know, London is supposed to be the best place to meet people and have fun but, as I said in my first post, my coworkers are really boring guys. I hope that by enroling in some courses I'll have an actual chance of meeting more interesting people.


By J on Tuesday, July 22, 2003 - 11:26 am:

    That's the spirit Cyclobird and check out the pubs too.


By wisper on Tuesday, July 22, 2003 - 07:04 pm:

    "I think Whisper has."

    ...nope?

    i'm mentioned in this thread too many times. It's creeping me out.


By J on Tuesday, July 22, 2003 - 10:02 pm:

    Sorry Whisper I thought you mentioned sometime ago about going to some kind of film workshop,not trying to scare ya,if anyone should be afraid it's me as I must be going nuts:)


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