I've been home from work for 3 days now, sick. just your run of the mill, stuffy nose sneezing coughing cold, and i feel special. I haven't had a normal cold in so long, it's been ages, i think for the past year i've just kept getting bronchitis. With asthma, i get sick so easily. I get everything. Tylenol Cold is my friend. And yet, somehow bronchitis seems better in some ways because it can be cured in 3 days or so, and this cold is just starting. Of course i say that now. "You've never had bronchitis?" I said to a girl ar work, "It feels like your lungs are trying to bust out and leave you. I get it twice a year." But i haven't smoked in maybe 2 weeks, and that is a VERY GOOD THING. I didn't even smoke at the concert on saturday night. I'm really getting over it this time. For reals. I may even be able to make it through christmas with my chain-smoking mom, dad and sister. It's great to not smoke anymore. My hair smells nice. Food tastes better. And when i wake up in the morning i don't feel like i'm going to die. And i'll get over this cold faster. And i won't get bronchitis as much. I admit it, in my darkest moments of smoke deprivation i actually wondered "But how am i supposed to look cool and aloof without a smoke in my hand?!?!" I can't be properly cynical without a cigarette, look at Dennis Leary! Other people who had quit before warned me about this image-panic, but i didn't believe them until it actually happened. It's pathetic. It is in the last stage of withdrawl, when you'll do ANYTHING to justify smoking again. At one point i even got really sappy about how much i would miss smoking and having a Pepsi, because smoke + Pepsi = really tasty for some reason. I'm through now. I'm done. I'm probably going to get fat now. I'm not angry at cigarette companies. I did this all to myself. I'm so bored. And drinking apple juice. With all this spare time (in between sleeping) i finished all my x-mas shopping. Which wasn't hard since my parents didn't really tell me what they wanted (Dad- new winshield wipers- $30) so I gave the Humane Society $150 in my family's name. That's $50 each. The donations lady on the phone was so nice. I think someone on ebay might be screwing me over. I won't be sure for 2 weeks. I'm starting to hate ebay. It makes me so nervous. |
Yay for not smoking anymore! You're clever enough to come up with a non-lung-damaging replacement for your hip prop. I hate ebay now, and it's because I've been screwed over a couple times, and I'm too chicken and/or lazy to cause a stir. |
my nights have been getting steadily worse as christmas approaches. anxiety creeping in. i have thought to myself that i need to hurry up and get a job so that i can get prescibed something that will even me out. i hate christmas. i dread christmas. i don't have any idea what to get anyone nor do i have any money to get anything with nor do i know what to make. i hate hate hate christmas and christmas oppression and i hate knowing that any attempt to bow out of christmas is going to be met by people telling me i'm ruining it for everyone else. last year i managed to avoid all family and christmas type situations and hung out with jews and other humbugs in a tiki bar in san francisco. it was the best christmas i ever had. i had this offer for a job the other week. it was verbal, from the manager, from the director, they both wanted me. both good friends of mine. it was a laid back, straight 40 hours a week kind of job. they wrote the offer letter, handed it to the CEO for approval. then my old boss caught wind and blocked my hire. the venom in that old cow. in the long run it is probably better to be without that job. the money and the health benefits would have been nice, but it is a long commute and that company is still poisoned by the people who at one time yanked my soul from my carcass. i don't have liquid capital to pay my mortgage in january and i don't want to sell stock so i'm just not doing anything. i fired my realtor and got a new one and hopefully the house will sell soon. i met this wonderful woman in october and she is wonderful and incredibly supportive and i don't want to hide what i'm feeling from her and at the same time i'm afraid i'm going to push her away by burdening her with me. i wish i was happier so that i could be more of myself and more fun to be around and more enjoying these early stages of a relationship that looks like the real thing. i'm enjoying these early stages in spite of myself. a good friend told me that baggage is bullshit and i'm trying so hard to make that true. but, anxiety. anxiety is the enemy. i sure do like this woman. |
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"i hate hate hate christmas and christmas oppression and i hate knowing that any attempt to bow out of christmas is going to be met by people telling me i'm ruining it for everyone else." yup, that's it. i'd prefer to be simply indifferent to xmas. but you can't be indifferent. you either like it, lie about liking it and play along, or bum everyone out-- including yourself. last night, as agatha and cleo were packing for their trip to ct, agatha laid this fucked up guilt trip on cleo without even realizing it. we don't have any cash for gifts so she was telling cleo to bring some felting wool or yarn and she could make gifts. cleo got stressed out over the idea of having to make gifts for their big family and that, combined with being a bit over-tired, caused her to get sorta weepy and agatha started laying into her about all the gifts she was gonna get and she wouldn't have anything to give back and how she (agatha) would feel bad if it were her, etc. the tradition continues. they just called me from the runway at o'hare. |
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It's kewl. |
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nate, take any money you would have spent on christmas and buy some anti anxiety medication over the internet. take a low dose of it every day for a month, and report back. if you need a loan, let me know. in the meantime, you have to tell her how you're feeling. it's more of a burden on her to sense that something might be wrong, but not know what. the guessing game sucks, it creates unnecessary insecurities. you can be honest with her without being dramatic. it seems to me that having baggage means over-dramatizing negative things that have happened to you in the past and giving them more power than they deserve. but confiding with grace in someone that you're feeling upset or afraid or anxious is not a sign of baggage, its a sign of emotional maturity. and wisper, hope you get to feeling better soon. good luck with the cigarette thing. never could grok smoking cigarettes. a clove perhaps once in a while, but not regular tobacco. it makes me sick, so it's easy to avoid. i wish i could say the same for alcohol. |
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for me, with them back east, i'm off the hook this year. i did get cleo a few volumes from the lemony snicket "series of unfortunate events" and agatha and i gave each other the gift of savings. hallelujah! |
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Why aren't more people talking about ROTK? You're killing me over here, guys. I had to see the movie by myself, and I don't have anybody to discuss it with. :~( |
also, i'm gonna watch secretary when netflix mails it to me. only because i've developed a huge crush on maggie gyllenhal after seeing donnie darko. |
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and double snot for everybody. today it's just me and the 13+ hours of anime that arrived from ebay last saturday. All 26 tv episodes of Vampire Princess Miyu plus the 4 original episodes. And it's good. It's so fucking good. You can trust me because i'm not anime obsessed, this is truly outstanding stuff. It's like the Twilight Zone or Outer Limits feel to it, a short little 22 minute cautionary tale sort of thing, with much irony. Eveything always ends in the most depressing way possible. For example: Some thug tries to kill a mob boss, but fails and gets shot. He wakes up in a strange bed in someone else's body. He finds his girlfriend and comforts her (of course she thinks her boyfriend is dead), takes her to the fair, treats her right, and basically turns his life around as a new person and does all the things he should have done before. Problem- the new body is being controlled by a demon, and when he sleeps the body goes out and kills people. So anyway, Miyu shows up and gets rid of the demon (that's her job), and the guy wakes up in his girlfriend's appartment in his old body. So he's kinda happy. Everything is better now! Girlfriend gets home, freaks out, and stabs him. "I'm sorry, but i'm in love with someone else now. A good man. I have to take care of him." The End. each one is better than the last! That's sad about Cleo. They should make dough ornaments with that flour-water-salt clay mixture that i forget how to make at the moment. Everybody should make those. Maybe i should buy a piece of wooden dowel (dowle?) and paint it to look like a smoke. That would be just as effective, and an interesting conversation piece. I bet i could market them too. |
I thought she was cute until the other night when I saw her on the Daily Show. dont get me wrong, she's still a great actress, but now I think she's weird, in a negative sense. Certainly has no sense of style. Not that I do, but I know bad style when I see it, someone who is trying and yet failing failing failing. I thought that one awful Oscar dress I saw before was a fluke. Guess not. I'm listening to Wilco right now, the latest album. I bought it last year based on good reviews but never got into it... you know sometimes an album doesnt really sound good until you hear something else like it that you enjoy? well, I got this album by the Shins called "Chutes too Narrow" the other week, and its amazing... and its the kind of stepping stone you need to really get into Wilco, who are in ways, actually better... |
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...but I dont' think she meant to be casual, i think she thinks thats a style or something. |
i can come visit now! |
. Hmm. Maybe some people still need some emergency gift ideas for me... |
i have to say that getting laid off the week before christmas is really tacky- and i was worried about taking time off. ha! heh. bleh. i guess i can travel now, though people are encouraging me to send resumes to their contacts tomorrow. i think i should figure out some idea of where i want to be, what i want to learn first. hm. i feel better now. i have been having panic attacks for 2 weeks now- i've been having my boss's i think. waiting to be told. waiting impatiently. i hate knowing things ahead of time when they're all vague and icky. it is for the best. annoying but better somehow. |
Maybe i should have tried going to work today, but it just so happens that tickets to see The Darkness go on sale this morning. .....Sick in bed, lined up at the mall, what's the difference? |
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spunky! The Darkness! cock-rockers from the UK, sort of like Guns N Roses + Queen + a little bit of the Cure. The singer even wears ye old skin tight full body jumpsuits, in zebra print. Are they supposed to be ironic? No one can tell. "Imagine if Andrew W.K. sang like Freddie Mercury on a helium-balloon binge. Imagine if Van Halen had replaced Diamond David Lee Roth with the bastard lovechild of Scorpions frontman Klaus Meine and Skid Row pretty-boy Sebastian Bach instead of with Sammy Hagar. Or just imagine if Tenacious D weren't a joke band. Hell, imagine if Spinal Tap weren't a joke band." You should go to Launch.com and watch their video for "I Believe in a thing called love". Or download "Get your hands off my woman, motherfucker" on mp3 ...for the love of god man, do something! |
There's also the the 3 disk north american version...dubbing creeps me out. But beware the $60-80 dollar 8 disk english dubbed box set. What a waste. |
(you may remember my hobby of reading the weblogs of girls with eating disorders here) my my, they never change. StArViNg*4*pErFeCtIoN is excited because her BMI index is down to 17! almost at her goal of 15. Hurray. frozen_fairy is at 89 lbs and dropping. She's 17. Meanwhile, ANNA~*~DOLL is getting by on 160 calories a day. Why did her period stop, she wonders? teenopendiary.com is a scary place. Like looking in the pits of hell. I'll have to skip the last 6 episodes of Miyu for another day, I just heard from work. They got the numbers in for the department i'm in charge of, which usually sells between 200-500 units. So far this week we've sold 50. Just 50. It's certainly not my fault, i don't make that cheap crap, i don't care if no one wants it. Good for them if they don't. I can't make people buy our shit. I'll go in for a few hours, the high-ups will be wanting answers. and i'm bored. Some sales department B.S. is just the entertainment i need. |
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It throws me out. It rolls me over. I spent four hours in a mall this morning. Every shop. Some of them twice. Ended up with my two $20 secret santa gifts. Still have to buy for the Pandyr and Mumma. Fuck fuck what to buy what to buy.... And its stinking hot. |
fuck the darkness!! blech. check the spam i got: " VelKasha is giving lessons to the school bus What if Tom Hanks saw a spotless chick that was poking a arm? Pin the letter on the donkey I wonder if the chicken was salty We Provide The Greatest Mortgage Rates Visit Us Online Here What if Jesus Christ saw a juicy plane that was studying a bed? I wonder if the chicken was salty A mortgage is usually the biggest financial commitment anyone ever makes. You simply can't afford to get it wrong. We'll take away all the headaches and worries associated with a mortgage and get you the best rate possible I said ' great Cesaer's ghost! You look like a overcooked egg! ' Where am the wild pigeon? next to the block? Get a Free quote today! the human doesn't enjoy melting the sugary weather report Shave the radio! Much like a rare hill the seat is extremely bumpy you are a special chick! Where is the hard baby? nearby the moron? To be Taken Off click here holy buh! homely roller blade! the tape player am stealing the wavy motherboard? We better go next to the baby! next to the half melted forest lies a elegant grass" has it finally come to this? |
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i wish i were hip, hip, hip, hip awww hip enough to have even known about them in '81. but, alas, i was only 14 and consumed by rush and the cars and wanky new wave like gary myrick and the figures and visage and the plastics and the suburban lawns -- the latter 4 picked up from my big bro who was a weird-ass, new wave, hippy, freestyle frisbee champion scenester. the fall didn't tour america for several years after that. by the time they came back, 87 or 88, it was post perverted by language and wonderful and frightening world and they were supporting this nation's saving grace. i was probably 20 and i had been hard for the fall for 2 or 3 years by then. extremely hard. i remember being disappointed and i also got way too drunk way too fast. i know i left in the middle of it and there was some drama, including some crying over a girl or something combined with the alcohol and the let-down of expectations not realized. anyway it was ugly, like what happens when someone who keeps his emotions buttoned up too tight gets all fucked up and loses control. but it was cathartic. i like that word these days. g'night. |
no, THE DARKNESS FUCKS YOU and wishes you a Merry Christmas too watch here: http://www.drownedinsound.com/articles/8619.html |