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of depression, my brain has moved onto anxiety as its self- torture of choice. And this change flipping sucks. I'd rather deal with depression. God, give me depression over anxiety any day. I'd much rather feel nothing at all than feel like my stomach is going to digest itself. I have the same type of thoughts -- it's like the spiritual issues are the same but they just manifest with different physical symptoms. Depression is a weight in the gut and head, or a veil over the senses, while anxiety is a rabid rat you've swallowed and that's trying to burrow out of your stomach. This morning I took my dad to the doctor's office for an epidural for his sciatica and he had a bad reaction to the medication (btw, what is it with my family and our inability to tolerate pain medication?) and fainted/had a seizure. (It was very unpleasant, sitting in the lobby, listening to my dad seize and the doctors and nurses try to bring him round.) Then he remained in the doctor's office for 4 hours, fighting vertigo and nausea, which the doctor said was an unusual side effect (usually, it seems, the nausea clears up after 15 minutes or so). I took him home around 1:00, and he went to lie down on the couch until he felt better. I left around 2:00 for the library (I needed to take care of some aggravating issues regarding registration for courses), and before I left I took his cell phone and dialed the cell number in our house phone and left it next to him, so that if he needed me he would just have to hit "redial" and not worry about the number. He hadn't called in the couple of hours I'd been here, and about 30 minutes ago I had a vision of myself getting home and going to wake him and finding him dead. I forced myself to stay here this long, because I knew being ridiculous and he was probably fine. A few minutes ago I gave in and called to check in on him and he was fine -- he said he was even feeling a little better. I tell you, between this and my mom's cancer and her complications from surgery, I swear, I have had my fill of anxiety regarding the parental units. I know I'll have to deal with them dying eventually, but please, please, may it be years in the future. At least with generalized anxiety, I can eventually convince myself I'm being ridiculous and fearing things that may never happen, but this! This certainly will happen, and I can never adequately be prepared. Also, a couple of minutes ago, a random older man came up to me and started talking to me (even though -- hello?! -- I've got my headphones on and am listening to [don't laugh, Dave] Assemblage 23, and am fully engaged in typing this post), asking me where I was from, etc. etc., and because I've been conditioned to be kind to people who seem a little off, I told him everything. Now he's sitting across from me and paging through a newspaper, but I can feel him watching me. Hopefully, he won't follow me when I leave. |
another thing i've found helps is making sure i have plenty of protein in the morning. a couple eggs or a one of the high protein cereals or meat. that helps regulate my blood sugar and seems to stave off anxiety attacks. anxiety sucks. take care of yourself. |
i have had some of the worst anxiety in my life most recently. stomach in knots, total and complete uneasy in even the most intimate of surroundings. like my mind was a record skipping on the same god damn note over and over...all drizzled with intense nausea. that mostly stopped monday of these week with my victory in court, but then on tuesday, it cranked up again with seperation anxiety as my gf took off for belize for 10 days. in the time i've been with her, ive always been the one to travel and twice shes come with and never for 10 days. so, it struck something....something that took me back to when my ex used to travel for 7-12 days at a time in asia. so there i was, stomach in knots, nervously doing any chore i could find....and the dog....the dog seeing the suitcases, knowing that means something is goind down and she's over in the corner chewing her ass. anxiety totally blows and for me it comes on so fast, i dont think nates suggestion would work, but then again, i dont have regular bouts with it. wine helps the anxiety spidey....a nice bottle of chianti before bed. |
rushing home to see if he was dead or not. I didn't want to act on it. At least this was anxiety over something specific. Generalized "I'm evil and the world is evil and no good will ever come of anything" anxiety is worse. Anyway, I think this all points to my desire to always be in control. And when things get, or look to get, out of control, I have a hard time dealing. I feel so incompetent. |
this is why anxiety trumps depression, in my book, because it completely disrupts your ability to function. I don't know, maybe it's a distinction between being stuck in concrete vs. being in an earthquake -- you can't really move in either case, but at least the world is stable in the first instance. |
depression completely disrupts my ability to function. though i still prefer it to anxiety. anxiety seems more physical and immediate. it comes before not acting on the anxiety. there is a point before the anxiety comes on where i realize i'm about to lead my mind into dangerous territory. my anxiety comes on quickly as well, patrick. i've just learned to catch it when i'm wobbling on the edge of the cliff. the first time someone told me it is possible, i scoffed in the same way. though, i do recall that it involves stepping backwards. catching the anxiety earlier and earlier each time. it is strange how the mind responds to practice. i think anxiety is a subconscious response to the conscious mind not dealing with certain emotions. in some way you're not confronting an uncomfortable situation, thought, whatever, and in response to burying it your subconscious starts shaking its cage. |
but then again, my anxieties often center around unknowns |
but that's exactly what's going on with my mom. She's got all sorts of issues relating to being abused as a child that she refuses to deal with, and the issues come out anyway in the form of anxiety (and extreme neediness, and her anxiety flares up if she feels alone). Patrick, I think that's my problem, too -- not knowing what to do. With me, I think it's usually regarding some horror I sense looming on the horizon that I feel powerless to avoid or stop. I can calm myself down by planning what I would do if certain occassions occurred (like a couple of weeks ago when the power went out in the middle of the night and I had an anxiety attack -- I lay there and made contingency plans, and that helped me feel more in control again). I always remind myself of the Zen saying (I think that's what it is), "If a problem has a solution, why worry? If a problem has no solution, why worry?" But it doesn't make my stomach unclench. Likewise, my experience with Ativan and Xanax (and Benadryl and other sleep medication....and I would imagine wine would be the same) -- they make my eyelids heavy, but they do nothing to slow my racing thoughts down or make my stomach feel better. |
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though last night i found out that somthing blunt and indiscrete i happen to say to my father got my sister $500. have you considered massage? |
Seriously. And Nate's good nutrition advice, too. Except don't eat too much before bedtime. That's what used to trigger my anxiety attacks. |