| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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i had a mondo crush on him two months ago, and i knew he was going to leave for la for the summer, but i let myself crush on him anyway. which resulted in my hanging around and being generally stupid and sleeping with him two nights before he left. and then i didn't get a chance to say goodbye. i got his address down there from his roommates and began writing letters half a dozen times. never sent a one. but now he's coming back in the next week or so. fuck, fuckety fuck fuck fuck. i hang out at his house all the time, because i'm close friends with his roommates (they're the clowns) and their kid is adorable. i regularly chit-chat with the wife of one of his closest friends. a good portion of these friendships have mellowed since he's been gone. but when he gets back, what'll i do? sever all ties in embarrassment? create the end-of-summer drama that everyone's been waiting for? i'm just starting to feel comfortable in who i am and making my own choices and i don't want to undo everything. there's other options, we end up being Just Friends (right) or fuckbuddies or what have you. but i'm scared of what might happen, scared of what might not. all i know is that what i have to lose is something i never used to value in the past. friendship. and i don't know if i can stand to lose it now. |
Im confused lady. |
i'm jus' worrying. but his roommates are some of my favorite people. |
Although you do not feel cool-headed, pretending to yourself that you are could make you feel better. Also maybe increase chances with crush-boy. Or not! What do I know? But freaking at him or his friends will probably not be met with professions of his undying feeling for you. Don't let him drive you from your friends though. That would be letting him run your life, and hey, they're your friends too! |
"i'm just starting to feel comfortable in who i am and making my own choices and i don't want to undo everything." Take a deep breath and remember this. Confidence makes all kinds of things possible. Take a look at what you've learned about yourself. Note the changes in the way you think and do things. Apply it to this situation. And if you can't, fake it. ; ) "all i know is that what i have to lose is something i never used to value in the past. friendship." Strong values make all kinds of things possible too. Like dinner lady said, DO NOT let him drive you away from your friends. Maybe it will be awkward, but there are worse things. |
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I need someone to want. |
customers overwrought with lust are not. theay're scary. "tell me your middle name. i want to shout it out while i lick you all over baby." LEAVE ME ALONE! |
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Not that you thought to ask, or that you should. ...never mind then. |
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my, but you're coming along quite nicely spunky. that was funny! pez, i think you have the invisible freak magnet tattoo on your forehead. i have it too, if it's any consolation. |
next time, i'm supposed to call security. |
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It's only later that you think of clever things to say and then spend hours and hours reliving the director's cut version. Well at least, that's me. |
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you guys gotta get thicker skin than that. guys are going to make sleezy come ones for the rest of your life. can't go calling security every time. |
i didn't call security. i finished the transaction and was downright cold. |
you live in a medium-sized city, you're attractive and you're 6 feet tall arent you? where's your confidence girl? we're you alone in the store? you work in a mall right? so even if the store was empty there were people strolling by right outside yes? Telling creeps like that to "fuck off you asswipe cocklmouth before I call security" would probably do a lot for your confidence. Im not telling you to not call security when necessary, but how threatened were you by his words? and you didnt mention the *licking* sounds before, that makes it a little different than just making a lewd statement. |
Some people give you the creeps for reasons you cannot even point to, all you know is you get chills every time you look at them. |
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i got there after work, 'round midnight, dingo's already fucked up on weed and beer with jimbo, caffeine's practicing music and singing sad songs about the industrial revolution. i sing along, "one less kidney, sold it on the black market" and there's General Tom Foolerey biking around crashing in the dark. this car pulls up, now marty wasn't driving when he left, but i knew it was him. and the radio started blaring and nobody else understood at first that he'd arrived. he came in, started talking, showing off his new kitten and he and dingo go off like rockets talking talking talking. caffeine got her two cents in and went to bed. eventually when they went outside again to get his shit out of the car i grabbed my jacket and headed out the door. dingo got back first. "you're leaving?" i nod. "did he even look at you?" "you're the people he wanted to see." i replied and walked out. down the stairs and ther he is. "you're leaving?" "yeah. i just realized that i've missed you longer than i've known you." hug. "yeah... never got to say goodbye after...." "i came by twice that night but you weren't here." "oh." "i have to work in the morning but i'll be back tomorrow." "see ya." jumped on the bike and crypedaled home. |
have i also mentioned that (1) this guy decided that i'm cute and has taken me to a couple of movies and (2) last summers' boyfriend (the one that hal consoled ME about; the editor) has emailed me saying that he just realized that he was a jerk. one year ago. someting weird this way comes and i want to be invisible, untouchable. no needs, just existence. |
I only wish I had your problems. Ya know I love ya kid. Keep it senseable, do what your mind and heart tell you are right. WE ALL make mistakes, all of us. I know I've had my fair share of them. Roll with the punches, I find the names of your friend mearly ammusing in their own right. Just because they sound cool. (as long as no one was dressed as a clown at the moment, because clowns scare Hal.) Enjoy life darlin, its all we have. |
sorry man. |
but i realized that "i've missed you longer than i've known you" is the saddest phrase i've ever uttered. it's one of those movie lines that i'm supposed to dream up five minutes later when it's no longer brilliant. i'm going over there after work tonight. can't be shy, considering the situation. |
Doesn't mean what I said isn't relevant. |
but i got off work too late, and so of course he was drinking already. which is fine, it's not my problem, except that drinking isn't always the best thing to do when you're serious. we talked about nothing and he staggered while we were walking back to his house (i left my bike there) we started fighting a little, then kissed, when we were interrupted. but before that, he said something. he wasnts to fuck again. but no commitments. fucking is more than fine with me. but the no commitment part i'm wary of. it's not responsible or fair. i'm over there all the time, working on music and comedy and if there was something like that going on i wouldn't be able to think. so if he wants to fuck again, i'm going to tell him exactly what i want. i want someone who lives up to their own words and thinks of me as more than a drunken fuck buddy. i think i deserve better than that, if he wants a drunken fuck buddy he can find some other girl. drunken no commitment fuck buddy doesn't exactly stroke my ego the right way. |
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at least in martyspeak. and fuck, i'm nearly 21. i've known people who've been parents since age 17. that doesn't mean that i want to get married or something, NO WAY! but something closer than fuckbuddy, because i've been that before and gotten burned. |
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being sexually liberated is not about having casual sex, it's about knowing yourself and what you want and that you deserve it. it's about setting your own rules and not letting anyone else's definition of what it means to be sexually healthy determine your actions. |
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is it that they only "think" they know what they want? who the fuck cares? you can change your mind tomorrow. the point is not to let anyone else tell you what to do with your life...to the best of your ability, which may or may not be limited by age (among other things). pez, you are doing a lot better than a lot of people I knew (including myself) at 21. |
yup and i'm sure before too long, we'll all hear about the icky, clingy guy who won't leave her alone and makes scenes at parties just because she did him. whatever, nevermind. |
but saying that i want more than a casual sexual relationship would be true for myself. that doesn't mean i want a close boy/girlfriend relationship either. it's about a lot of things, sex and respect mostly. and the idea of being a fuckbuddy doesn't exactly brush my ego the right way right now either. as i've stated before. i'm not at the point that i'm very comfortable with sex yet, i'd rather have good friends than sex. but if i'm going to have sex, i want it to be fun and trusting, i think most people would rather have it that way than a blind grope. i don't know exactly what i want a lot of the time because i never thought about it too much before. i'm trying. and don't tell me "you won't know what you'll want until you're 39 and then you'll be too old to use it." that's fucked up and demeaning. so here's a big FUCK YOU to nate and dave. and kazoo, please tell sem that he's lucky to be seeing such an intelligent woman. |
i think your FUCK YOU is a little misplaced, especially after four paragraphs of illustrating the points dave. and i are making. |
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HEEEEEE pez, if you want more than a fuckbuddy, tell rockstar to take a hike. Where's the issue? He was honest with you, be honest with him. No point in negotiating a concession that either side is not willing to give. What annoys me about this whole thing, like dave says, "sex contract", its like sex is now a commodity, to be exchanged for emotional (ego) petting. If you need one thing emotionally, please don't involve sex. If you just need sex, then don't involve emotions. If you need both, then you have to find balance. Just don't hold a man hostage, or let the boy take you hostage. Sometimes, boys, like girls, will manipulate for what they want. |
you three are making her comments out to be something that they weren't. she knows what she wants, and she shouldn't try to convince herself otherwise for the sake of "fairness". better a little heartache now then a lot of heartache later. |
no mind. agatha, she says point blank she doesnt know what she wants most of the time. "i don't know exactly what i want a lot of the time because i never thought about it too much before." regardless.....maybe the three of us are venting some pinned up frustrations....maybe. because what i see in this dilemma with a pez, is a classic case scenario of life to come. but again, maybe thats just me. im not in the best of moods at the moment. |
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and it does hurt. but when it was over, i got on my bike, stopped to talk to sarah on my way home, but i didn't turn around and look back. had a nice chat on the front porch about broken hearts, then came in and dealt with the fucked-up last years' boyfriend email. no more other people's clutter. |
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there's much to do. |
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sometimes i think i want a fuckbuddy. it's not actually about needing or wanting sex. it's like the idealizing of situations other women i know my age who are not in relationships. they prefer steamy, short-term affairs - and they make it seem so easy, so simple, so elegantly lacking in emotional drama. it's just passion. sometimes that sounds fun, like something i could get into for a while, to help me get past the hard parts. but it's not really my style, it's not really me. at least not any more. sex has become something much too sacred and personal, but not important enough to do just anything (or anyone) to get some. or maybe i'm just a big weenie. |
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