i have a lot of recurring dreams. i've recently added a new one to the collection. almost all of my dreams tend to be vivid & weird, but this one's been bugging me lately. i wonder what it could possibly mean, if anything. here's the dream: i go out & kidnap a few men. they're always musicians. bandmates. i kidnap either all or part of a band. i take them to some sort of hideout, which generally always looks the same. it's a very dark building w/ several rooms, one of which is refrigerated. i keep each man strapped down to a hospital gurney, the kind they roll out for criminals who are about to get a lethal injection. if someone's being a bit uncooperative, i tie him down nude & wheel him into the refrigerator room. after letting him freeze his balls off for a while, he usually ditches the attitude. then i let him back into the warmer room & give him a blanket. i keep dark, heavy blindfolds on the men. i use gags on them, too, but i cut a slit into them w/ a knife, so i can force a straw into their mouths & give them water. i try not to cut their lips open when i do that. sometimes, i remove the gags long enough to hand-feed them. if they need to use the restroom, i take them, but i keep a sharpshooter in the window in case they try anything funny. i also allow them to take showers, but i keep a pistol trained on them while they do. in last night's dream, there was a slight variation. one of them became resistant to me, so i beat the living hell out of him. i removed the gag so everyone could hear him screaming. i beat him senseless. the more i beat him & the more blood i drew, the more sexually aroused i became. then i dragged him in front of his friends while he was still in intense pain. after making a public example of him, i tied him back down on the gurney & gave him a blanket. i gave him little kisses & explained to him that i didn't WANT to hurt him, but he made me. i say that a lot in these dreams. it's never my fault that i hurt them. they ask for it by their actions. i can be nice or i can be vicious; it's completely up to them. i merely act upon their cues & suggestions. there's usually always one man who's somewhat resistant. in nearly every case, he's got blond hair. i always end up hurting him somehow but then becoming merciful to him later. i'm very affectionate to the men i kidnap. i kiss & hold them. i take care of them. sometimes i tell them i love them. i'm always cuddling them & reassuring them in soft whispers that everything will be OK. occasionally i'll become sexual w/ them, but rarely anything more involved than a handjob. i'll also kill them if they fuck w/ me. i hold them for about a week & let them go. then i kidnap more men. sometimes i do it for ransom, but more often just for kicks. i don't kidnap women. just men. i've just been wondering what it could possibly mean. i realize that not all dreams have to have a meaning. i just wonder it it's some kind of glimpse into my psychological makeup.

weeks go by in your dreams?

sometimes, yes...albeit in a bit of an abstract way. there's the definite sense of the passing of time, of days going by, & also of my sadness because time IS passing & i'll have to let my captives go soon. i'd keep them forever, if i could. sometimes i keep the best-behaved man a bit longer than i should, & i tell him i love him when i turn him loose on the streets. in the dreams, i often tell the men that i'll be detaining them for "a week". I remind them that it's only a week, so being on their best behavior would be a sensible idea. i reinforce the idea by putting a gun in their mouth.

Would you do these things when you are not dreaming if you could?

i dunno. maybe. i wouldn't really grab someone off the streets. it'd have to be a fantasy scenario of some sort. i mean, it would have to be premeditated & consensual. the parties would know they were going to be "kidnapped" by me & consent to being held captive for a week or so...kinda like an S&M scene gone berserk. then again, premeditation takes all the fun right out of it. it certainly takes the genunine fear factor out of it. i would never put a gun in a man's mouth unless i aimed to use it. i'm a strong believer in consensuality. i wouldn't ever want to truly push someone beyond their limits. being abducted is a very frightening thing...take it from me. i was abducted off a city street when i was a teenager. it's not as if this is some kind of recurrent daytime fantasy of mine. i rarely think of such things. however, if circumstance ever forced me to kidnap someone, i would be just as gracious as i am in my dreams...& also as potentially deadly. it's the mixing of the two extremes that can be an art form.

The person/people who abducted you as a teenager, were they ever caught and punished in any way?

no. never. i couldn't tell anybody...at least not anybody who could do anything about it. the man didn't keep me all that long. just long enough to fuck w/ my head & threaten me w/ guns & knives & fuck me in the woods. he held me long enough for my folks to get good & pissed off. to this day, i've never told my family what happened to me. i just let them give me hell for staying out like that. i'd been raped in a case that went to the police a couple of years earlier & the folks were horrified that i brought shame upon the family like that instead of just taking it like a normal girl should. i couldn't tell them about this second incident, i just couldn't. the first time i was raped, they sent me away to live w/ another family because they were so ashamed.

"i wonder what it could possibly mean, if anything." really? [not my interpretation of the dream:] it's not that good and evil, beauty and ugliness are diametrically opposed, they are the same thing

i never made any real connection w/ my own situation (being abducted) & the dreams until today. but i'm not really sure it's valid to make such a connection. the abduction happened to me over 20 years ago. these dreams are relatively recent. in some way, the dreams are a bit more lighthearted than what actually happened to me. in real life, i damn near got killed. in my dreams, i'm willing to kill, but don't want to. i'd rather take care of my charges than kill them. good & evil, darkness & light. pleasure & pain. vaguely different sides of the same damn coin.

Personally I think that its a recessive fantasy... It seems that you are looking for someone to nurture, like a child but not? I don't know, its a thought, but maybe someone you can be with, and do everything you can to take care of them, but still be in charge. Maybe have a little bit o' Fantasy Role play in the bedroom... Who knows, dreams are fucked up... My only reacurring dream, takes place in the near future. Bio-Chemical Holocost has taken place, but the bio weapon is gone, millions have died. And now I lead a group of surviving members of society and we all live in an abandoned highschool ( which just happens to be the highschool I went to ) and we fight for the lonely and lost... And beat up roving bands of mauraders, we're just trying to make a living in a ruined world ok... Dreams are fucked up.

dreams are, indeed, fucked up. i also have a recurring dream of surviving a war. i have a little band of people around me. i often find myself killing enemy soldiers. i sit there w/ a silenced pistol, killing them off one by one. or i cut their throats, if i have to. or behead them. stuff like that. our little group of survivors are all based in some kind of weird thatched-roof building that seems to be located somewhere in europe. in these dreams i generally don't take prisoners. i just kill. war is much less complicated when you can just fucking kill & be done w/ it. as for the kidnapping dreams, i just don't know. i do seem to get off on the idea of taking care of people, at least in the dreams. i do treat them much like children (except for the occasional sexual overtones). it's pretty weird, since i can't stand children in any way. usually, i just want to drop-kick the annoying little bastards...which is why i don't have children or hang out w/ people who do. it's kind of a quandary. i can't abide children, but i also can't stand the idea of them being truly abused. i'd like to lock every abusive parent in the world into a dark room & get about 24 hours of quality time w/ them. problem is, i could never let them walk out alive. last night, i had a different kind of recurring dream. but the kidnapping thing popped up just for a moment. i actually allowed one of the men to take off his blindfold. i had it tied too tightly around his head & he was suffering from headaches because of it. i also let him eat. i kept a gun to his head while he ate, ordering him not to turn around & look at me. i was wearing a mask, just in case he did. i gave him a softer blindfold, one made of black velvet. then i threw him in the shower, apologizing because all the hot water had run out. as i dried his shivering body, i dropped to my knees & began licking his legs. then everything lapsed into a different dream, where i sat on the floor of a trailer eating lemon-flavored cotton candy until i became queasy. i was gaining weight as i ate, becoming morbidly obese within the space of a few minutes.

My recurring dream is rather odd, and somewhat off the subject. I'm in the Albany airport with my friend Zoe, and we're slaughtering a jersey cow, when George Bush happens to walk up. We're both sort of dumbfounded, I mean, what the hell would he be doing in the Albany airport, which is this little piddling building with three terminals...anyway, he walks up, and we start arguing about abortion rights. This dream has been going on since the election. I don't understand at all. I can't remember what happens to the cow.

well, since you're in the process of slaughtering it in the airport, i'd assume that the cow dies a gruesome death. i dunno. it's just a guess. any dream involving george bush would probably qualify as a first-class nightmare.

No, I meant what happens to the cow after we slaughter it? I want to say it's something cool like we start throwing chunks of meat at passersby, but I just can't remember.

throwing chunks of meat would be cool. but maybe just leaving the carcass sitting right in the middle of the airport would be a nice touch, too. it'd make people wonder. hell, i might even do a double-take myself, if confronted w/ a butchered cow in an airport.

I definently would.

Isolde... You've been spending too much time reading our Abortion string... Is started to invade your dreams along with the election strings. And I don't have a fucking clue where the cow came from.

all my dreams involve falling down the stairs, falling off the stairs, getting stuck on stairs, and meeting benjamin franklin. poor cow.

meeting benjamin franklin would be cool. i have a lot of other recurring dreams besides the kidnapping thing. i dream about graveyards & corpses a lot. also labyrinths, & trains on which i'm always riding alone. but the kidnapping one has gotten me a bit obsessed lately. i look at men sometimes, wondering if i could overpower them & take them for a week or so. i would totally & completely fuck w/ their brains once i got them. i'd just scramble their minds. eventually, they could look back on it & laugh, but not for about a year or so. i'm sitting here idly wondering if anybody's ever had to seek therapy as a result of knowing me. i mean, if i've really unglued somebody's mind that badly. i think it might be possible. i'm a very nice person to deal with, but a bit peculiar around the edges. sometimes people don't know what to make of me. things would be so much easier if everybody just loved me outright. i wouldn't have to prove myself to anybody. i'd just be recognized as the ambassador of love & human kindness that i am. of course, nobody's loved unconditionally, not really. there's always a hundred fucking strings attached. you know the drill: i love you IF you're sane, IF you're faithful, IF you act nice, etc. i feel like i need to break out. do something unexpected. something larger than life. something flamboyant. something in technicolor.

no no no, it was before the abortion thread. This one was in colour, that was the other wierd thing.

Write the Cow off as Somnambulistic Performance Art.

cows are always great props for performance art. back to the whole kidnapping thing, pug suggests that i should write a short story about it. i've written kidnapping scenes before, but this is almost too close to write about. too internal. running too deep. sometimes things are too deep even to write about. i hate that. i can write about damn near anything...except for the things that are really intensely close to me. if i wielded that kind of power over someone--unless they were a complete fucking fool--they'd have to be nice to me on a 24-7 basis. that would be interesting. when i touched them, i'd force them to respond tenderly whether they wanted to or not. i could rape them if i wanted to, but i'd rather not. i could cook breakfast for them or beat their fucking brains in w/ a lead pipe. it's an either/or kind of deal. two choices: they can either let me take care of them or i'll murder them in cold blood. it's just a dream, but it keeps seeping into my reality.

Personally, if you wrote the book crimson, I would read it... Your dreams has it's little quirks, but it would be a great psycological mind fuck... Hell write a book, even if you don't get it published, email it to me and I'll read it, and I'll get the damned thing published. And Isolde, it was in color huh... Well maybe you can tell the future with your dreams??? Don't know how you would have gotten the future out of that one but, its worth the anylization.

i'm writing a book now. several of them, actually. one has an extended kidnapping scene in which a particularly brutal teenage girl takes some people hostage. it's ugly as hell. they escape after a month. she waits a few years & then kidnaps one of the guys again & tries to kill him. she, in turn, is gunned down by the man's elderly father. she wants to murder the man, a record producer, because she's in love w/ him & he won't return her affections. she's just a random fan, an nut off the streets. it's a small part of an incredibly long manuscript. anything i do w/ this particular dream sequence would probably be confined to a short story. the last short story i wrote was a about being a hired fuck on the payroll of a lesbian senator. i'm also writing a series of porn stories set in a funeral home. i've been wanting to do a story about being a child serial killer, because i almost became one myself. from the ages of 10-14, i was a fucking murderous machine. there are people alive today only because i let them live. of course, that's always true. anybody who's still alive is in that condition only due to the merciful kindness of others. but writing about those feelings is incredibly difficult. it's so intense. the mind-bending plotting that goes into a potential kill, or set of kills, is enough to drive a kid damn near nuts. it has to work out tactically. you have to win or else.

i feel that it's better to write about these things than to actually do them. i can create poetry, fiction, essays and music about the tension that's inside of me. i think it's what's held me together all these years. but things feel as though they're bursting out of me, tearing out of my skin, making me more potentially volatile than ever. however, nobody really understands that about me because i'm the ultimate marshmallow.

I write too... The question is, would you let someone read the things you have written. Or are they the inner-personal type writings??? I would like to read some, I love reading other peoples work... Hell I'll try and find some of my old stuff, in case you would like to read some of mine.

i'm kinda sorta guarded about that stuff. i mean, i have a bunch of publication credits, but a lot of it is for stuff that doesn't matter to me. the novel excerpts are all seriously rough draft stuff. i have a few poems or other material i might let go from time to time. i do free-verse poetry. i really dislike rhyming poetry, w/ the exception of the occasional song lyric. i'm afraid that my stuff will seem juvenile. i do pretty gut-level writing. i also get a lot of comments that my writing is too violent or bizarre, but i like it that way. mostly these days, i write to suit myself. i'm also writing more music to suit myself. i just did a metal song that i kind of like. it sticks in my head a lot. i'm also doing soft, almost folk-type music, for the sake of balance. i mean, it's not sissy shit, but it's softer than a raging, distorted guitar. i wrote a love story set in a prison. none of my usual readers could believe what i wrote. the two lovers stayed in love. heads did not roll. no explosions. a few scattered deaths, but the main characters married & remained in love. that shit just doesn't HAPPEN in my writing. nobody knew what to make of it. it was tender. it scared a lot of people who know me. i got a lot of frantic e-mails asking me what was wrong. i've got to find a suitable creative outlet for myself, or i'm going to go berserk. really. i'm not fucking around.

Wouldn't have it any other way... I don't want to read something made up to appease someone, I want to read something that is just THERE... Know what I mean, read something that would just shock the living hell outta some people... Sounds about right.

cool. might take me a while to scare something up because of my tight schedule this week. but mebbe i can dig up something. i also have material that's not so shocking. stuff i kind of dig, but no one else gets. i can get a bit mushy writing about certain things. some people want me to be outrageous 24 hours a day but there are moments when i AM actually gentle. i've had several people tell me, after getting to know me, that they're disappointed that i'm such a quiet person, that i should be like i am onstage, in people's face. i don't live that way. i'd be too fucking abrasive to deal w/ on a daily basis. after all, i don't start screaming into a mic when i wake up in the morning. pilate is giving me a backrub as i sit in my chair. he's wearing some kind of cologne that's making me crazy, it smells so good. he's wearing a suit jacket & looking pretty goddamn debonair. i wish somebody would just kiss me & never stop.

Well... I wish I could help you with the kissing thing, but I'm taken, otherwise hey I'd be there... On the other hand, I will read anything you send me, crazy, mellow, off the wall, just sittin and chillin... Whatever it is I'll read... I'll put my email in this one, so you can just mail it to me whenever you get a chance.

I know the feeling. Perhaps I should start sending hal my writing too, just for the hell of it.

sure. everybody send hal writing. anybody's writing. everything from ezra pound to the random scrawlings on a shithouse wall will now go straight to hal's inbox. i tried to post something a while ago, but the computer totally froze up on me. now i forgot what i was going to say. i'm sure it was profound & meaningful.

Ok... well thank you for kicking me in the NUTS. No one has to do anything, if crimson doesn't want to send me anything to read, that is her perogitive. I enjoy critiquing peoples writing, not telling them whats wrong, but what I think. Anything is good, because it comes from "normal" people like you and I. Not someone writing to please a bunch of readers, but someone writing to please themself. Thats good reading, no not for gossip but for understanding the human psyche'.

obviously, i was joking around, above. i'll send you some stuff. like i said, it may take a few days, because i'm working on the schedule from hell at the moment. but when strange material starts popping up in your inbox, it might just be from me. i might send you some rough draft writing, because that's what i actually need human interaction with. stuff where there's something amiss, but i'm not quite sure what. i didn't have the kidnapping dream last night. i woke up in a better frame of mind. not feeling quite as edgy & brutal. just had a lunch date w/ my husband & ran into pilate there by total coincidence. pilate was holding two wrapped gifts, one for his lover & one for his kid. they weren't xmas presents. he just felt like surprising them. he's such a generous fuck sometimes.

I had a dream last night about teeth. Someone pulled out three of my teeth and put in three new ones. I don't think the old ones had cavities or anything. They were just yanked, and I was totally consenting. They didn't use novacaine, either, so I kep having to ask them to stop and let me get my breath. It hurt when I woke up, I almost went to the mirror and looked to see if my teeth had changed.

i had a tooth dream recently. but i'm suffering from toothaches of the real-life variety, so i suppose it's only natural that the pain would somehow make its way into my dreams. i'm sitting here playing w/ a vibrating toy pig. & it's not even a marital aid. i had to take my marriage license to a certain business establishment today & prove that i was really married, because i often use a different last name than my husband's. it gets a tad old at times, having to prove to the locals that i'm not shacking up before they'll conduct business w/ me.

I had this weird ass samuri dream last night... It was fucked up like I was part of an elite samuri crime fighting team, and we went around killing bad people, and saving the innocents... Except all I saw in the dream was a bunch of ninja's dressed in black and jumping around, those were the people we killed. Never acctually saw any innocents... Then we went home and had bannana sundays... It was fucked up... Oh and we all had over sized swords, and we wore red armor. Fucked up.

red armor might look pretty cool. a new fashion statement. i also dreamed of violence (big surprise there). there was all this gang-style violence erupting between the UK & the US. large groups of young people, mostly scots, were showing up in huge mobs in the US & terrorizing the locals. lots of knife fighting, homemade bombs & such. i went into a hugeass knife fight (it was a larger version of a gang-type knifefight i once got into in real life). in the dream, i came out not injured, but falling in love. i fell in love w/ a beautiful young man. it was instant. he fell in love w/ me, too. we began kissing right in the middle of this gruesome fucking fight. it was hotter than hell. we knew that somehow, we were bonded & would be together for life. we became peacemakers instead of fighters & just before i woke up, everybody had stopped fighting & had sat down at a large table (which magically appeared in the middle of the kansas field in which we were fighting). we were trying to hammer out peace negotiations. my new lover had evolved into this messianic, peaceful figure. he might as well have had a halo & been wearing christlike robes.

I dreamed that Scott Weiland had overdosed. I don't know why, I don't even listen to his band.

i cant tell you my dream.....it was a very vivid, sexual dream...... i should ask my wife if i was dry humping the bed in my sleep.

Sounds like you enjoyed yourself... I had the samuri dream again, with the red armor... But this time we were in a field instead of in the city. It was odd because the ninja's in black would just show up out of no where... And then we would kill them... But after a while of killing we all went back to this like barn place sat down started drinking beer and watching football... In our bloody red samuri outfits, we were opening beers with our swords which all of a sudden had bottle openers on the bottoms of them... I think I'm going to stop sleeping.

I can't sleep, that's my fucking problem. One night I'm up til 3 and get up at 6, the next night I pass out at 9 and get up at 6. Cycle continues. I don't dream. Must do something about this, not good.

It's the booze Dougie,welcome to my nightmare.

I don't sleep much either, kinda developed a insomnia thing back when I was in 7th grade... Just stuck with me, I sleep whenever i can, which isn't often... Lately some bad shit has been going down around my world... So well I've been driven to exaustion on several occasion in the last few days... Leads to these fucked dreams I'm havin... I could use some booze, too bad I'm not old enough to buy it... Yeah I know I could find a buyer but that takes to much time and energy for me to spend... As well as money... Fuck... Life sucks...

Just look cute when you ask someone at the Circle K or 7/11 to get it for you,it's a fact of life.