Ok. *breath* here's a rather serious problem that has developed in my life over the last few months. I've alluded to it around here, but thats about it. Over the holidays, or right before, my brother revealed to me, that when he was 16 or so, my uncle, in my mind, forced sex (on an already curious teen). Not too hard to do, since my brother, and teens in general are like playdo. My brother had never told anyone this. i was furious. He wasnt sure how to deal with it, but stated it was part of the reason he was always ditching on family events. I think back to those xmas's at grandmas (my uncle, coming out many years ago, has lived with my grandparents since, well, i can remember), my brother was always the one to sleep in my uncles queen bed, as the whole family was shacked up elsewhere in the house. I recalled those xmas's in horror on my brother's behalf, especially as he got older. Well the comments and inneundo have never really stopped. He says things to my brother that are totally inappropriate. My uncle used to be a drunk, got clean but in the last year or two, at family gatherings, has gotten shithoused. This past Xmas, he did just that, annoyed the crap out of everyone, said things to my brother (the only reason my brother showed up was because we had come from CA to be there). He actually invited my brother up to bed with him (Steven was sleeping downstairs in the rec room with me and nico). Nico, intervened and told my uncle to just go to bed, as we were. (we were actually about to smoke our ritualistic xmas eve joint). One more comment and my brother said he was goign to level his 60 year old ass. He would have too and probably would have sent him to the hospital as my brother is a bruiser. My uncle even said things to me that night on the porch smoking like "god, steven sure is a sexy man". Im thinking, "dude he's YOUR NEPHEW, SHUT UP!" Of course, at the time, i just walked away. Background on my uncle. He's gay, repressed as can be. He just turned 60. Since he has known where I work, he has taken the liberty to open up to me. We've always been somewhat close, sorta, in the sense that we shared similar interest. He gave me his old cameras, we both love aviation and history etc. Well in the last two years, he has told me, not in explicit detail but enough, about his call boys he gets when he travels and he even asked me to send him some of the porn rags we publish. I set him on a 6 month subscription hoping he'd leave me alone. No. He just goes on, everytime i talk to him, about the eye candy he likes getting in the mail. *shiver* I've usually brushed this off, changed the subject, realizing he has no one to talk to about this stuff.He's horribly repressed, and has told me that Im the only he can talk about this kind of stuff with. But there's little i can do about this. Moreover, im his nephew and not really interested in hearing this shit, christ, find some friends!!! Well the reason this has all come up, is because, yesterday, they received our Autumn catalog, where Im posing for the men's sweaters (hey we're on a budget). He said the following: "HI, We got your new catalog and I'm impressed. Those sweaters are really good looking. You're looking pretty sexy there yourself ole son!" GOD DAMN IT!!!!!! I don't know how to deal with this, how to address it. Part of me says, look, he's getting old, just ignore it, change the subject and bluntly ignore him. My wife says I should say something, but Im almost afraid I'll loose the parts I like about my uncle...talking about cameras, politics, history etc. What should i do?

Your Uncle forced sex on your 16 year old brother and is still making perverted comments to him and NOW to you as well and you really need advise as to what to do?? Uncle or no Uncle, he needs to pay for what he has done and will continue to do unless someone finally drops the dime on him. Him being 60 years old and you perhaps losing conversations with him about cameras, politics, history etc. should be the last thing on your mind. Holding him resposible for what he did your Brother should be your first priority. Do your parents know? Does the rest of your family know? If not, it's time they all knew the actions your Uncle has taken against your Brother. All sarcasm aside Patty, a good Uncle would never have done what he did. I agree 100% with your wife. Do the right thing and say something. At least for your Brothers sake.

I agree. Talk to your brother before you do anything, though. How is your brother handling this? What was the situation like when he told you? I'm so sorry your brother and you have had to go through this.

*sigh* anyone else? Dani, your lack of sensitivity to the situation is not helpful. This occured over 15 years ago. Only my sister knows, when we told her on Xmas eve. To bust this out in the open would probably push my 90 year old grandparents to the grave, put my mom in a looney bin as she would go entirely ape-shit an probably drive my uncle to kill himself because of alienation. This is why my brother hasnt told anyone. My brother is a fairly balanced guy, and has dealt with it over the years, he is just getting fed up with the comments. It wasnt like he was physically forced. He was subject to suggestion and persuaded to act, which isnt hard to do to an impressionable 16 year old. Im almost thinking a crack on the nose from my brother would be the best solution. Ultimately, he just wants my creepy uncle to shut up. He can tolerate being inthe room with him, and has come to terms about the past. The grief cause by dropping a dime may not be worth it.

spider my brother is logical about it. he's a bit ashamed and just wants him to shut up. Either something should be said directly to my uncle and only my uncle or the knuckle sandwich. Blowing it up while my grandparents are still alive is not an option.

I wasnt being insensitive. I was being serious. Once again, your conclusion jumping was way off base. I feel very sorry for your Brother. I'm amazed that what happened to him was just brushed under the carpet and kept quiet. I mean, where is family loyalty when he really needed it and probably still does? If you'll notice from my first post, I put all sarcasm aside. MOLESTATION on a 16 year old boy from a family member is not something I would be insensitive about. I think your knuckle sandwich should be followed by a confession of what your Uncle did to your Brother. If done correctly, your Grandparents would never have to know. But your Brother will know that someone cared enough to defend him.

my uncle lives with my grandparents, they would find out, they are still amazingly quick for 90 year olds. my brother doesnt want anyone defending him, he is perfectly capable of that, physically and otherwise. its your insensitivity that is allowing you to understand the situation. "I mean, where is family loyalty when he really needed it and probably still does?" what????????? nevermind. What it boils down to is this: Is it worth it, to blow this up now, so far after the fact? My brother is not in therapy because of this, neither am I. Are the repercussions worth it? Will he feel really vindicated after confronting and revealing all of this? Maybe just telling me and my sister was enough for him. Thank you anyway dani. I will consider what you have said.

No problem. I really wasnt being insensitive Patty. I understand the situation because I had to fight my Grandfather off my Sister and I until I was 17 and he died. He never had his way with either of us because I told on him every single time he touched us. Mom would keep us away from him for a few months and then he would come back around and all would be forgotten. I know now that if I didnt tell on him every time, it would have gone alot further and alot more damage would have been done. I was not critisizing you or your family. I simply meant that even though you all decided to keep it quiet back then (which in my opinion was a big mistake), it's time this dirty little secret came out. Your Uncle is probably thinking that it was no big deal what he did because no one has ever confronted him or called him on it. It's not OK what he did. And even though your Brother seems to be fine, I would almost bet it's the last thing he thinks about each night before he falls alseep. It's gonna eat him up every day for the rest of his life..even though he may not show it. Is this Uncle your Mom's Brother or your Dad's Brother? Do they have any idea whatsoever of what he did to their Son? Is your Brother aware of the fact that there may be some legal ramifications your Uncle could face? I think it would benefit your Brother if all this came out. He's already ashamed so why not let it be time to justify his shame? Your Brother may not want to face this but it will benefit him in the long run if he does.

Patrick, Dani is not being insensitive, at least in my opinion. It's understandable that you're not seeing this completely objectively, and I'm not trying to attack you. This is serious. You don't need to be physically forced to do something to be molested. Don't minimize this by saying, well, it's not like he was physically attacked or threatened with a gun, or something. Yes, it would be worse if that were the case, but it's still serious. It is what it is -- sexual abuse by a family member. It is absolutely worth it to be open about this long after the fact. In my opinion. Only your brother knows if telling just you and your sister is enough. Maybe even he doesn't know. Dani's mention of family loyalty struck a chord with me. I was molested by the son of a family friend, and my parents knew, but evidently their friendship with his mother was more important than my safety. That's what family loyalty means. Who are you trying to protect -- your uncle or your brother? I'm probably no good for advice here because I'm still dealing with my own situation, which I don't think I've handled very well. Reading this has made me very angry, so I'm going to bow out now.

"decided to keep it quiet back then " Dani I said it before, NO ONE KNEW except he and my brother until 4 months ago. Im pretty sure anything legal against my uncle is out of the question for my brother. Thats not what he wants.

again. No one knew until December so Im totally confused by why you are guys are talking about loyalty. My loyalty is to my brother, first and foremost. I have not done anything he hasn't wanted me to do. We are protecting the rest of the family more than my uncle, i think. Im talking to my brother about this, asking him what he wants to do. I will try and encourage him to tell someone else and confront my uncle. Sorry to make you angry spider.

You didn't make me angry, Patrick. The situation and the fact that this kind of thing even exists in the world makes me angry.

When I said back then, I meant 4 months ago when it came out. After all, the Holidays were in December which would = 4 months ago. Thats neither here nor there but in my opinion, he should have been exposed for the child molestor/rapist he is 4 months ago. And yes, forcible sex is rape. I swear I feel so much for your Brother. Having to live with this all these years must be fucking hell for him. Do whatever you want. I was just giving my opinion on the situation. I think you should think about the question Spider asked you...who are you trying to protect? If it's your Brother, than the right thing to do is expose your Uncle. And your right Spider, sexual abuse victims need to be protected and defended by their own parents. Turning their backs at what happened to you at the hands of their friends son was not a loyal choice. I'm sorry it happened to you and I'm sorry your parents chose not to aid in your mental/ physical well being but you are still here and will continue to be here because your strong enough to get through it. With or without family support. You'll be OK and so will Patty's Brother. If it takes confronting the abuser to get through this horrible ordeal, than so be it. You'll thank yourself later in life.

Us guys are talking about loyalty because for the last 4 months, a disgusting revelation has been kept quiet instead of being dealt with. I aint being a bitch to you Patty and I am not being insensitive...honest. I feel for you also. You must carry alot of shit around with you knowing what you know and not knowing what to do with it. I wish you luck...and your Brother too.

i realize spider, im just sorry my topic ruined your day. regardless, im glad you said something about this anyway, knowing you and your past. I worry. Since starting this thread I have sent an email to my brother and sister, saying hey, maybe its time to open this up, sans the grandparents. I just realized I have a 14 year old nephew, my sisters son in the mix now that may need protecting. Another uncle, who is since dead, molested my Aunt and my sister (who are close in age). because my aunt didnt say anything and my grandparents may have ignored it, he did it to my sister. Moreover, i almost want to ask my uncle, "what did you do to me?" to see if he responds. Who knows what i've shelved away. I do know i was sexualized very early, while some of it may have been normal development, i knew fucking had to do with 2 people laying on top of each other at the age of 5. I was extremely sexual with other boys at such an early age, it makes me wonder if there is something else there im repressing.

My approach would be: Get every one together who knows the situation. Confront your Uncle. Make it an extremely unpleasant verbal confrontation. Let him know that there will be no more sexual innuendo to any of you, or the whole thing will come out to everyone..Including the grandparents. assure him that he will lose his home at the very least. Make it clear that if he lays a finger or says anything inappropriate to any of the kids that he will be spending his golden years in jail, and subsequently the rest of his life as a registered sex offender. I'm really sorry for your brother, and your family for having to go through something like this, Patrick. Don't let it cause a gulf between any of you, but try to pull together.

We are. Im talking to my sister as we speak. When she was molested by this other great uncle of ours. The first thing she did was go to our aunt (again, the two of them are close in age) who had two little girls at the time and told her. Thats when my aunt revealed this other uncle did it to her and possible MY mom as well. They both agreed the didnt want to rock the boat, but wanted to protect the kids. My sister has assured me her teen son will never spend a moment alone with my uncle. Your approach is best, and is hopefully what we'll end up doing. thanks christopher.

Patrick, I have actually been in a very similar situation with my mothers twin and her husband. I can understand what you are going through. I agree that blowing this whole thing up in front of the rest of the family is only going to aggravate a situation that is already in bad enough shape. What I did. I told my aunt that it was too uncomfortable for me and that for me it was crossing a line and if it continued it would cause me to be uncomfortable with her. She was understanding and it hasn't been a problem since. She still gets shitfaced whenever she is around me, and will talk shit about her sex life, but it doesn't include me and I can blow it off. My aunt does have a high level of respect for me, and that makes things easier. I don't know how close you are to your uncle, but talking calmly and honestly without pointing fingers or judging anyone can make it an easier conversation without hurting anyone. I hope you find a way to make this work out. If conversation doesn't work, straight talk with a couple of fists might drive the point home, but others might try to get involved then. Good luck

Ive talked with my two siblings. He's ready to lift the rock off his shoulders. Christophers plan of action seems most appropriate. next time im in town, the three of us intend to pull him aside and point fingers and absolutely judge with clarity. He was totally at fault for fucking with a teen, much less his nephew. It will pretty much be one-sided. We don't want to hear anything he has to say. We've all witnessed the behavior. My brother is pretty sure he'll try to say he went along with it, which, true or not, doesnt matter. The law doesnt care if a teen "goes along" with an adult in sex, the law expects the adult to be just that. Im not sure when I'll be getting back to the ATL, but in the meantime, my brother will continute to give him the cold shoulder, as will I and my sister intends, as always to keep her teen son from him, alone anyway. My brother is the biggest in the immediate family, i dont think anyone would stand in the way of his fists, but it won't come to that, and this will be done in private. (Although Id see to it that his shots were leveled cleanly, without intervention. He deserves at least that.) Afterwards we intend to tell our mother and pray she leaves it alone with our resolution unless he fucks up again. She can fly off the handle (yes thats where i get it from) , but her knowledge of this could actually lay some understanding on a riff between my brother and her that has festered for nearly 15+ years.

It sounds like a good plan, but it isn't an easy one to follow through with. I hope you stick to it when the time comes. I hope it goes well with you. I was fortunate with my aunt that I could just say it straight out and lay it out on the table and by pointing out how it would effect our relationship if it didn't come to an end, it ended peacefully at that. I wish that for you. I also hope that it can help heal some of the distance between your brother and your mother. When my sister and cousins sexual abuse finally came out my mother blamed herself, because she knew that we were all being physically abused there but sent us there anyways, and she didn't know anyone would be sexually abused there. She became a royal bitch because of her self inflicted guilt shit. She is still a bitch, but doesn't blame herself anymore. She blames the therapist they took us to. Funny how things change. I know this situation is different, vastly different. Your mother didn't intentionally take your brother to a place where he was going to be hurt. Hopefully if she is feeling guilt or shame at finding out, she will be over it quickly. I hope when all is said and done, that your family gets some peace.