Couldn't sleep, now it's time for work. 1 joke before I go. Two attorneys boarded a flight, one sat in window seat the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a physician got on and sat in the isle seat. The physician kicked off his shoes and began settling in when one of the attorneys said, "I think I'll get a Coke." "No problem", said the physician, "Let me get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up his shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "Looks good I think I'll have one too." Again the physician offered to fetch it and while he was gone the attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet into his shoes and immediately knew what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions, this hatred, this animosity, this spitting in the shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. A few minutes later he leans over to the woman next to him and asked, "Can I smell your beaver?" The offended woman slaps him and yells, "You may certainly not!" He responds, "Oh, sorry, it must be your breath then." BBAAAAADDDAAAABOOOM!

A man is trying to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in but it won't go. He keeps trying and finally gets inside her but has to stop. He states, "It's so tight I can barely take it." She replied, "Let me go into the bathroom and make it easier. I'll be back in a minute." She returns later. He inserted his dick again. This time it slid back and forth with ease and he stated, "Ahhh, that's more like it. Did you put KY jelly in there?" She replied, "Nope, I just peeled off the scabs."

Two gay men decided to have a baby.They mix their sperm,then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.when the baby is born,they rush to the hospital.Two dozen babies are in the ward.23 of` wich are crying and screaming.One,over in the corner is smiling serenely.A nurse comes by and to the gays delight,she points out the happy baby as theirs."Isn,t it wonderful?"Bruce exclaims,"All these unhappy babies,and ours is so happy.The nurse says,"He,s happy now,but wait untill we take the pacifier out of his fanny".

A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender, who is used to this sort of thing by now, just says, "What can I get for you?" The bear says, "I'll have a gin and

tonic." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?" The bear says, "Dunno, I've always had them."

ha ha.

That was actually a homage to my late grandfather, who told us corny jokes when we were kids. And then I just got this one via email last week from the UK, of all places. For all you more urbane wits out there: The mother superior was having her office renovated, and asked two of the younger nuns to repaint it. They were afraid of getting paint on their habits, but didn't have any old clothes. They finally decided that it woiuld be alright for them to paint in the nude if they locked the office door. They were about half done with the jjob when there was a knock on the door. The nuns asked, "Who is it?" The answer from the other eside of the door was, "Blind man." They figured there couldn't be any harm in opening the door for a blind man, so they unlocked it. The guy standing there said, "Nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?"

did you hear about that new pirate movie? it's rated arrrr!

Disclaimer: I apologize now for the long post, but this is one of my favorite funnies. Still makes me laugh every time I read it. The Cameron Column is an excellent source of humor. -- Birth of a Hamster Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ =====> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay! <===== I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape." "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired sarcastically. "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her. "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me. By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Gross!" they shrieked. "Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. "Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled. "So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results. "Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through it." "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidural?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy." "What?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just..." "Excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded. Tears were now running down her face. "Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its..." she gasped. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

The funniest part about that story is that as I was reading it, I was picturing the doctor from the Simpsons as the doctor in this story. heeheehee.

I cant top that. thats the funniest thing I've read in ages.

Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A. 1 US leader. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. Q. If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P. Q. What does it mean if the US Post Office is flying the flag at half mast? A. They're hiring.

you evil man. See my new post on the other thread with jokes. That one's especially for you.

this is sort of funny: http://vagina.rotten.com/doughboy/

Right Fuckin' on! Hm'hmmmm!

hey i got a joke for everyone ok, ok there is this guy and he is a american and has gone to spain for his vacation and while he uis there he is looking at all of the sights and his legs get tirred so he see's a donky rental stand and goes over to the guy working there and says " sir how mutch is it to rent a donky ?" the guy reply's " here in spain we dont call them donky's we call them assas and for you it will be $5 american" so the guy agrees and rents a ass and befor he leaves the stand riding his ass the guy there tell's him " to make your ass stop you have to scratch him" and the guy riding the ass yell's "ok" and rides away and about 30 min. latter he see's a hot dog satnd and decides to get one and so he gets off of his ass and goes up to the guy working there and says ' HOE MUTCH FOR A HOT DOG?" and the guy replys " chere in spain we dont call them hot dog's we call them weeners and the guy working there tell's the turrist that if he wants a weener it will be $1 american " so the guy agrees and and buys a weener and as he is walking away from the weener stand and rembers he firgot to scratch his ass and notices his ass walking away over a far waay hill and so he starts running after it and he see's a woman standing there looking at him and he runs up to her and says mam will you hold my weener while i go scratch my ass ?...