and i'm an alcoholic. i have been drinking a lot lately. to the point where i've blacked out significant portions of last week. maybe the last two weeks. i've lost track. i've never done that before. blacked out a night or two, maybe. but not significant portions of a week. and there have been incidents. two of them. sad and embarassing. friendship stressors. perhaps, ruiners. friendship ruiners. i don't know yet. i haven't talked to everyone. things that i have no recollection of. from periods where i strain and strain and my brain will yield nothing. i don't know who i am. i can barely type that. i do not know who i am. i had no idea. shit is falling apart everywhere around me. and whatever, i can deal with that. sometimes better than others, but i can deal with it. but i am starting to hurt people. it is that point where you think, wait a second, am i not who i think i am? and i don't know. i don't know who i am. i can't remember. oh, this sounds so pitiful. but fuck it, it isn't. it won't be. i hope. i quit now. today. and hope the gene doesn't have too strong a grip on my brain. i'm embarassed. i embarassed enough that i won't put down my name. but you all know who i am. i quit now. before i lose all my friends. i'm not a loser if i can't drink. i'm not a loser because genetics are stacked against me. i'm a loser if knowing this i continue to drink and let it ruin everything i hold dear in my life.

... give us a call if you want

Jesus I can't believe that me of all people would say this,maybe you should quit drinking and get on some prozac. I'm a drunk,I can live with that but I'm not a mean drunk.

BAH! No prozac for Jesus Holmes. He'll find his way out. I'm confident of that, of you. Jesus Holmes. You'll find your way out. You don't give yourself credit that you've been on a rollercoaster for two years, professionally and emotionally and of course, most recently, being kicked in the nuts. Dry out my friend. Get a dog. Find yourself on the beach at 7am for a jog. Find a project. Its never as bad as it may seem.

Yes, a dog would be good. Also, a job. If not a paid job, then a volunteer one. You need to get plugged in to life again in a meaningful way. I can tell that you've felt as though you're sort of floating lately. I think that you are the kind of person that needs a little structure in your life to feel okay. There's nothing wrong with that. Not all of us can create our own structure, I say as I am typing on Sorabji instead of completing one of my five grad school assignments. On another note, I am quitting Cleo's site council tonight. I am the secretary, and it has become evident to me that I truly am not going to have time for anything but school, work, and family. I am so dreading this evening, but I suspect that the fiery pit in my stomach will be alleviated after I bail on my commitment. How terrible is that?

You gotta do what you gotta do.I think Nate should run for governor of California.

not terrible at all agatha all fiery pits should be exiled

I know that, but I still feel really shitty about it. I'm not a bailer, generally. A bumbler, yes, but not a bailer.

i say let it go this life is for you

so stop fucking around on the internet and get busy. the work's not gonna do itself.

ooh you!!

I got my brochure done! It's lame.

Agatha,your always so hard on yourself.You rock,don't forget it,I loves ya.

i had an intimate, inexplicable realization about alcohol while i was in hawaii. hardly any of my friends in hawaii are drinkers. it's just not a thing. they don't need to drink. certainly they rarely get drunk if they do drink. being lucid is always better. being drunk actually sucks quite a bit on many levels. it's not being drunk that's appealing, it's the consuming of the drink, the taste, melting of self, that's the addiction i think. also, i think i'm allergic to alcohol. it's not supposed to necessarily fuck w/ your blood sugar, but after i drink i go into a blood sugar tailspin. it fucks up everything. i had one glass of wine with dinner a few nights ago, and that's the last i've had. i have no desire to drink, and if the craving comes back, which i'm sure it will, i shall replace it with heaping loads of chocolate. both substances make me fat equally as easy and quickly, but chocolate doesn't make me feel poisoned. heh, on the contrary. so holmes, do you want to quit together? or is that too AA?

AA involves meetings and steps and shit. so, sure, let's quit together. sober sorabjiites. nothing should be feared more. i have promised many of the people i love that one beer will put me in AA. if i have one more drink it means i can't keep this promise to myself on my own.

Yeah! Sober Sorabjiites . Go SS! . I always thought the AA medalions were cool. The meetings aren't bad. It's interesting to hear people's stories.

alchohol is not so much an addiction as it is a chemical religion i kinda think that being at either end of the spectrum can be unhealthy

Anything can be unhealthy if you are doing it for the wrong reasons. My brother is at the sober end of the spectrum. He is a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict. I would say that he's healthy, especially since it was not just about quitting, but getting his whole life back together. Now he lives with his fiance in a nice apartment and has a good job. My brother knew one of those people who became "addicted" to AA. That is, he never really explored (or sought therapy for) the emotional/psychological reasons behind his addiction. I'm not saying that everyone necessarily has to do that, but K. told me that as he got to know the guy more, he could tell that he became overly obsessive and depedent on meetings

I'd like to avoid AA if at all possible. I'm still sober.

I wouldn't recommend it. I'll make you a medalion/token if you want.

My experiences with AA and NA are not the greatest. Like I am trying to brainwash myself into believing all this shit.... Not for me, but then again, I am not dry either. I am also not an alcoholic or an addict, so maybe that is why it makes me totally uncomfortable.

what's the deal with the medalion/tokens? you get a certain number of days under your belt and you start collecting them? my family is full of alcoholics. i left wednesday night for the emerald triangle. a little house out in the middle of shitfuck nowhere, with acres of douglas fir and madrone in each direction. when I told A_, my first ex-fiancee, where i was going she asked if i was retarded. in context of my decision to stop drinking. they drink a lot up there. tequila and beer galore. i was offered a lot. i did have a taste of beer. someone's beer won a silver medal and i had to give it a try. but it was a sip and i stopped at a sip. i'm actually pretty impressed with myself. yesterday i made half the trip home. i'm in the town i grew up in. 1024 people here tried to elect me to the mayor's office a decade ago. a pulse quickening 7%. there is a new "irish" pub here. it is a good american "irish" pub, with plenty of guiness memorabilia on the walls and gaelic phrases painted here and there and a good bar with good beers on draught and a fine collection of whiskey. i had a diet coke. "alchohol is not so much an addiction as it is a chemical religion" i can understand this. i make tea religiously now. making tea has a little ritual to yield a beverage. i had a discussion up in the tri about this, about the ritual of making margaritas. how that is part of the desire to drink for some. making tea helps. a lot of why i drink is because i don't know what else to do. it gives me permission to do other things, like write. i'm learning to give myself permission. that's a hard one. i woke up one morning and stared at the ceiling trying to figure out what i'd done the night before. then i tried to figure out how i got home. then i jumped out of bed to check my bumper for... dents? blood? i had blacked out the whole drive home. who knows how i did it. i woke up on several levels that morning.

If you were only drinking tea, then why did you black out? Check your bumper? Just wondering. As far as the medallions go, you're right. With each of their little markers (30 days, 60 days, and so on) you get a little medallion or keychain medallion and people put them on their key rings or carry them in their pockets or whatever.

that was a couple of weeks ago, that i blacked out. i had two bottles of wine prior to going out with friends. i remember being at the 'red room', drinking jameson straight up. i remember being in the 'rush inn,' more liquor. i don't remember driving home. 30 days will be 1:30pm, Oct. 8th. The weekend following will be my friend's wedding. a challenge.

You will be fine if you decide to. It's all up to you. Don't stress on the challenges and welcome them and you will be fine.

Tea is good. I am about to make a lovely cup of green tea for myself. Right now my favorite teas are: Ohm (Tazo) The Monkey King, Jasmine Green Tea (Numi) Spring Cherry (The Republic of Tea) I also like tea accessories. I painted a tea-pot for myself this summer. It is ivory with a dark rose design of a tea cup and I wrote "Shall we have a cup of tea?" in black letters. Sem was supposed to pick it up this weekend. I should call and remind him. I also painted a little tea-pot shaped dish to put my wet teabaag on. It's bright yellow with a smiley face. Okay, enough about me. Holmes, If you post something at thirty days noting your progress, I may just have to send you some kind of token.

Yogi Tea makes some great herbalish teas with yoga poses on the box. One has pepper in it (I think it's called India Spice) and it's really good. The idea of tea in the first place is much more social and relaxing than coffee. For hundreds of years the Japanese have had their tea ceremonies and the English made some of their own in the 18th century of so. I have a blue teapot with kanji or something etched in it, with matching square handleless cups. I've never used them for tea but one I keep orange peel and sometimes shake powdered vanilla in, wax pieces too. I peel off the metal wrapper on a tea light, set it on top and light it for a "scented" candle. The others I keep pretty stones, dried flowers and things in, I keep everything in my witchcraft cupboard.

I love Yogi Tea. I used to drink their Kava-Kava religiously until I found out that Kava maybe bad for my liver. Right now I am drinking some blackberry sage. I accidentally let the water boil so no green tea for now. It just stopped raining really hard. The sky is a beautiful greyish-purple with some faint patches of white clouds and the trees and cars and grass and cement and the paint on the houses all have an interesting hue dark--but not drab.

i survived this weekend without a drink, evening spending all evening late into the night last night at various bars with various friends. i just drank club soda w/ a lime and if anyone asked, i told them it was vodka and soda, to avoid the Stares and Questions. keep going Holmes. you can do it.

Mmmmmmmmm. It's finally fall here-- rained last week and today it's dry but there's a breeze and dry leaves were skittering across the street, driven by the wind. I wasn't paying much attention to where I was going on my way home from work and rode into a car. No damage to Notorious (my bike of choice, I looked up and turned right before I hit the bumper head on) but I banged my lower leg pretty hard between the car and the frame. I don't think there will be any bruises though. In my kitchen cupboard I have: Twining's Blackcurrant Traditional Medicinal's Breathe Easy some green tea some jasmine green tea Upstairs I know there's absurd amounts of Earl Grey. I discovered sometime last year that green tea is obscenely cheap at asian markets. The one near my house usually has 99-cent boxes with 20 teabags. Yogi tea is apparently made in Eugene and so I feel pretty good buying it. I like finding things that I enjoy and then learning that it's local or semilocal. My favorite laundry detergent is made 18 miles away.

I like the Good Earth Teas, especially their Jasmine tea. It's one of my favorites. I have my Grandmother's old Princess House China tea set. Roses hand painted all over it. I had another one that my mother had bought for me, but the damned cat knocked it off of my hutch last week and broke it. Last night I was out at this coffee/wine bar called "Candlelight". A big group of us were sitting out on the back patio, by the pond, surrounded by trees and little white lights and we looked up and clouds were passing over the moon, but you could still see the moon clearly through all of the different clouds. It was beautiful to watch them move over the moon like that. We just sat and watched the moon for a while. We apparently got rain during the early morning, but I missed it. I got home at around 3 am and crashed at about 3:30.

I've heard of Good Earth but never tried it. Maybe I will. My aunt is saving my great-grandmother's bone china for me. It's around 90 years old, at least. I'm not going to keep it myself wwhile I have roommates, my roommates are very respectful but I fear that I wouldn't treat it well. How late do bars close everywhere else? Here they close at 2 am, kicking everyone out at 2:30. There's no alcohol sales between 2:30 and 7 am.

Alcohol sales in TX are fucking retarded. It all depends on what you want. Bars close between 1 and 2am, depending on what code they are under. Sucks. And you get kicked out at closing time, not a half an hour later. You can buy beer and wine at grocery stores any time, but you can't buy anything else except during short hours during the week and on Saturdays. I think the liquor stores all close at like 7 or 8 pm during the week and at 9 on Saturdays. Fucking retarded. I could be wrong on some of the details. Don't know all of the laws yet. But it is still fucking retarded here. Lapis, try the Good Earth Jasmine tea. You taste the flower, and it is awesome. My favorite tea in the world right now. I tend to buy my green teas at little oriental restraunts (when I find them out here). I get great teas at low prices then.

Eri, You should try the Numi Jasmine Tea. It's a little expensive, not as bad as the Republic of Tea, but not cheap either. If you want, I can send you few bags as it is just one of many teas that I have in rotation. My collection: The Rebublic of Tea: Earl Greyer Ginger Peach Blackberry Sage Mango Ceylon Cherry Blossom (Green) Wild Berry Plum (Green) Republic Green Chai Tazo, Ohm (darjeerling and green blend) Yogi Tea (Rooibos Chai) Celestial Seasonings: Honey Vanilla Camomile(my sleepy tea) Wild Berry Zinger (this is good iced) Alvita Oatstraw tea. Some of you will remember that oatstraw is the tea that Maude served Harold. Good Earth Jasmine, which I haven't touched since I discovered Numi. Traditional Medicinals: Cran Aid Smooth Move I used to have over 30 teas. Several of them were just small bags (2-3 servings) of stuff that I would buy from from places like tealux which had my all time favorite, pear and pomegranate. I am trying to resist the urge to buy more tea until I put a substantial dent in this collection. Now that I have completely given up coffee, this should not be a problem. I do, however, want to find a really good Oolong. I have so many wonderful memories associated with tea. When Sem and I first got together, I would make green tea every morning he stayed over. My grandmother got me drinking tea when I was young. It was lipton or that other kind in the red box. She had hers with milk and sugar, and I just had mine with sugar.* For Christmas last year, my brother and his girlfriend bought me a tea press and several cans of tea. It was just such a perfect gift and Julie thought of it...being far away from them, it's so nice to know that they know what I love. *Now I just drink it plain. I even like plain green tea; I like the earthy flavor. When it's a good quality and steeped just enough, it doesn't taste bitter.

Yes, when it is a good quality tea, it doesn't taste bitter and you don't need anything with it. I love good teas. I would love to try that one above you are talking about up there. And that pear and pomegranate sounds yummy, too. I use the same tea for sleepy time :) That's just funny. But I ran out like last week. When Spunky was out of town. Teas are like a comfort thing for me as well. When I am feeling down, or having a bad day, or am sick or hurting, tea is my answer. A cup of tea and a bubble bath and a good book or a cup of tea and some meditation music. I love my teas. My collection is at about 15 different types (at least) but I don't have the ability to catalog them all right now. Big Lots has lots of different types of Ceylon teas and I have a few different kinds of them. It's relatively inexpensive as well. I should go back and get some more of them. The only ones that are bitter are like the earl grey or english breakfast, but all of the earthy flavored ones are delicious.

I acquired a box of Lapsang Souchong tea and left it open in my cupboard, and now all but one of my other teas taste like woodsmoke. It's so upsetting. I have: Irish breakfast tea (decaf) - blessedly spared the woodsmoke flavor by being kept in a separate tin on my counter Darjeeling Russian Caravan ea (the best tea ever) Chinese White tea (very light and, yes, nearly clear in the cup) Tazo Orange zinger....or something - I don't drink this Vanilla tea Celestial Seasonings English Toffee Chamomile Tea Earl Grey Green tea Traditional Medicinals Throat Coat and Breathe Easy I used to drink nothing but Earl Grey, but now I've saturated myself. I'm working through my contaminated Russian Caravan and Darjeeling teas so that I can buy new boxes quickly. I am excited (well, relatively) at finding Yorkshire Gold tea in the British section of my grocery store's international foods aisle -- this is really good, hearty, hardy tea. After a year of heating water in the microwave, I finally bought a tea kettle last week. Yay!

Tazo Orange Zinger is vile. Barry's from Ireland is a good tea. My friend Ben used to serve it to me in a pint glass because that's pretty much all he owned as far as drinkware is concerned.

I've been drinking a lot of Red Rose tea. $4 for 100 tea bags. Nothing special, orange pekoe/pekoe blend. Plus you get a little animal statue. This time it was a goose. I have a collection of Republic of Tea and a variety of others. Blackberry Sage is one of my favorites. That Trad Med Throat Coat is too. Something about it, the mouth feel. Teas like English Breakfast and Earl Grey I like with milk and sugar. Republic of Tea Vanilla Almond is really good with milk and sugar. Mostly I just go straight tea. I used to think milk or sugar was a sin against tea. I was wrong on that count. Today I drink coffee. My parents have decaf lipton and some ancient twillings blackcurrant. I've had several cups of both and neither makes a particularly good beverage at this point. How's the white tea, Spider? I've been tempted several times in the store but have yet to pick some up.

the Persians showed me how to drink tea with sugar and cream. i never spent this much time thinking about tea. as in the time it took me to read everyone's tea inventory. queers. id like to ship this nasty tea that nico got in China off to one of yous. its takin up space in my cabinet. its nasty. no tea bags. straight up, use your teeth as a filter or get one of those thimble like devices. a large large glass of unsweetened ice tea with a half a lemmon is my preference.

My feeling about the white tea is that it is decent if you like very delicate flavors or are entertaining guests with cucumber sandwiches and petit fours, and that's about it. It's expensive -- my tin of 50 tea bags was around $12 -- and not robust enough for most of one's tea needs. When my best friend lived with me, I drank a lot of Red Rose tea because that's the only kind of tea she drank, and she always offered it to me when she'd make it (about 4 times a day). We both felt it was much better than Lipton's regular tea. And the little figurines are a nice bonus.

I grew up on Lipton's. My mom always had it around for making sun tea. My first tea phase was Lipton. I'm not sure if I buy Red Rose because it is better or because you get to mark your consumption with figurines. Is your white tea Republic of Tea? That's what I've been seeing around here. Republic of Tea is based in the next town South from where I grew up. BFD. That was my fear with the white tea, that it would be too delicate for my taste. I'm looking for a good green tea with the toasted rice in it. I believe that is Japanese style? I don't actually know. Sweet tea is moving West, Patrick. When the Shrub left for Washington, sweet tea invaded Texas. So I hear. It won't be long before it hits California. Though, maybe it will be long. I think Diet Coke is Californian for Iced Tea.

im not talking about sweet tea. when i was back in the south i had sweet tea. too much. my fucking teeth rattle with my grandma's tea. my time in ca has made me appreciate unsweetened, because thats how you get it if you order iced tea here. and its pointless to try and add sugar, doesnt dissolve easily in iced tea. so i'm accustomed to adding a shit load of lemon. lemon is good. it makes my belly feel good after a meal.

I've gone largely to tea from Coffee. I've just become such a coffee snob that I can't drink it unless it's the really really good stuff. That limits it to Espresso and drip from The Raven Cafe, or Drip at Food For Thought. I primarily drink Yerba Mate now. I friggin' love that stuff. I started with a Yerba Mate/Green Tea mix, but now I do the straight (not pan fired) Yerba Mate. The Mateine is less jitter-causing than straight caffeine.

nate, i brought back 5 boxes of the green and brown rice tea. it's called genmai-cha. i love that shit. a box of yamamoto brand costs $1.99. email me your new address and i'll send you a box. if you buy the Tea of Inquiry by that fancy brand of tea that comes in a cylinder (The Republic of Tea maybe?), it's the same stuff, but you'll pay like $8-9 for 20 tea bags. as if.

Yeah, I think my white tea must be Republic of Tea. It's expensive and comes in a cylindrical tin.

I like simple green tea myself, but I'm sure I never prepare it properly. I also like the Tazo Lemon Mate. I don't drink it everyday, which I should. I drink it maybe 4-5 times a week though. I don't really feel like learning more about tea yet. I'll leave the tea knowledge to Kazu.

About the only hot tea I like is Earl Gray. Green Tea taste like brewed grass clippings to me. I'm still a coffee fiend though. Maybe I should switch.

I started out drinking green tea (my entire family likes chinese food) and then making my own iced green tea and then constant comment with sugar. I've since given up sugaring my tea. Green tea tastes and looks funny alot of the time because most people boil the water for it. You're supposed to prepare green tea with almost boiling water. They're thinking about taxing coffee in Washington, or at least Seattle. The Seattle Coffee Party? If you're buying alcohol other than beer or wine you have to go to a state-run liquor store which closes at around 7 pm every day and also on Sundays. Supposedly there's one open on Sundays but it's way out in SE somewhere, maybe even Milwaukie.

My problem is I can never tell when it's almost boiling in the kettle. and it goes to a boil when I'm in the other room.

I used to work in a Chinese restaurant where they served lots and lots of Oolong tea. Came in these HUGE bags. I probably still have some somewhere.

Maybe if you boiled it and then set the water aside for a moment before pour steeping the tea.

Sweet tea. This Yankee loves me the sweet tea. But at some places I ask them to do half/half. They look at me funny. I haven't been craving it so much since I've been back though. I made it several times over the summer. My absolutel favorite iced tea of all time is this stuff I swear was sent to Peet's Coffee down from the heavens just for me. Jasmine Lime Iced Tea. I haven't had any in over a year and thinking about it just makes me ache for some. I tried to make myself once and failed miserably. I actually like drinking hot tea in the summer. I read somewhere that the chemicals in tea act as kind of a temperature regulator. I'll try to find that again.

in some supermarkets you can buy light wines at very limited hours. Not in the regular area of the store either, but in a seperate area past the checkouts. other than that you can only buy alcohol at 2 places- government run places called the LCBO (Liqour control board of ontario), or their aptly named companion 'the Beer Store', which only sells beer. Huge orange signs with white letters: BEER STORE. Funny! Bars close at 2am. Beer Stores & LCBO locations open at 11 (i think...), so from 1:30am to 11, no one gets anything. Our government controls alcohol with an iron fist, and i like that. All LCBO employees are government employees, and they face HUGE-ASS fines if they sell to minors. Minors aren't allowed inside LCBO locations. Drivers can get fined or arrested for having bottles of anything within reach of their car seat.

Yay Russian Caravan! I don't fancy the rest of that trendy hippie shit much. But Russian Caravan, Lapsong Soochong, etc are yummy. Green tea no so good for you. I also *love* constant comment, which is the only bagged tea I buy. Looseleaf seems so much more sensible. And less wasteful. Plus I have a cute tea ball. I grew up drinking Red Rose too, with my dad, and we collected all the figures about the house. They are neat. Yes. Bars close at 2:00, you can buy alcohol in the supermarket anytime though.

you can't legally buy alcohol between 2am and 6am. someone once brought me a russian caravan tin full of greenbud.

Y'all are going to think I'm tacky but... Bengal Spice tea by Celestial Seasonings is really tasty. It's good with cream, or without. I got addicted to Yerba Mate for a while, and then I suddenly grossed out on it and haven't drank it since. I like mint tea, too. Coffee is way better than tea, though. I drink tea when I want coffee and know I shouldn't have any more. On another note, I'm really proud of you Nateypoo.

bengal spice with cream and sugar kicks ass. i'm proud too. who knew. it is 1 week today.

the old bengal spice was awesome, the new stuff is too sweet--good earth is more savory. the new formula tastes like they dumped a bunch of sugar in it. blech. right now: one peach, a slice of fresh vegan chocolate cake, lychee black tea

Peaches go well with everything when they're in season. My favorite summer snack is a peach and a glass-bottle root beer on the porch with a library book.

pee-chees are an all season portfolio.

my favorite summer snack is cunt. go figure.

Wouldn't that be your favorite year-round snack?

well, yeah. it is an all season snack.

Then why save it for summer? Summer is great and all, but you've got to have some good things the rest of the year too.

well, i don't. i'm just saying, uh. shit. there just aren't any summer-only snacks that beat out cunt. cunt holds many titles in my hall of fame.

whatever, beavis. fascinating.

cunt.

I like mango strawberry tea. Oh and passionfruit and peach. Thats good. I drink herbal teas at work. I don't like coffee that much - when I do drink it it has to be black with a little sugar. In other kiwi news, my mother attempted to attempt suicide on Sunday night. Fuck my life is technical.

What? What happened? What'd she do? Are you going to get her treatment? (I almost said is she okay, but she must be alive but emotionally scarred so such a stupid question)

im in that club moonie. not that i have anything solid to say about it.

Moonit, I'm so sorry! I wish I could give you a hug.

Me too and your mom a hug too,as V.v. says Lady bless.I've been drinking green tea lately and eating lots of tomatoes and blueberries,with the way I smoke and drink I'm hoping this might help me not get cancer.

MR. HIGHBALL He came inside and sat on his bar stool, looked outside and said, "I'm glad I am inside out of the rain barkeep I'll take a tall glass of your cider, a side of whiskey, a snifter of brandy and someone to talk to." "You see I've got this problem and it feels like a cut but this cut doesn't bleed and it doesn't heal like a cut. I've never been to jail but I 've seen a lot of bars my fists are clenched my eyes are squinting and my solid ground well it's breaking." He stood up from his bar stool waltzed over to the window saw his reflection in the glass and reached for it with his hands. Once planted on the glass they held like suction cups till he put his hands on his hips and shook his head "no" in agreement. "You see I've got these worries do worries fade with time? I used to sing like a bird but the bird in me went south. I've never had a sadder day than the Saturday before me my heart is in the right place but I'm in the wrong place what else could it be?" He spun around on his bar stool looked both ways down the bar tightened his lips air boxed with his fists then slicked back his hair. Straightened his lapel looked to the mirror and gave himself a sneer rubbed his hands together as he hollered out in horror. He jumped up from his bar stool and said, "what's a man to do? I've no car for the meter so this change is all for you." Out the door to the window he steamed it up with his breath signed it Mr. Highball clicked his heels, saluted and was gone -scotty alan

today the fog never burned off. i pushed my gray sphere of perception down the beach. the ocean was as rough as it has been since i've moved here. the air is braided warm and cool. big dark waves thumping. foam sizzling up the sand. balls of kelp as human corpses being rolled up the beach as far as the surf can reach. black crows stepping carefully through the sand inspecting. sandpipers standing like giants among scores and scores of sandpiper chicks. two blacks dogs rush up and send four hundred birds into flight; big and small sandpipers skimming inches over the breakers and shooting past me as a cloud. gulls wrestle in the air. i pick up a fraction of a clam shell and decide the it is spiritually charged. i could smile the ocean calm as a sheet of glass, but i don't. i am remarkably at ease. my house is going to sell soon. i can feel it. i am doing things that i've always been afraid to do. i am calm. calm in here. and not calm. charged. vibrating. and calm. and sober. two weeks, today.

i'm 2 weeks without tobacco. sobriety is another matter. quitting is easy. i'm a professional quitter. a giver-upper. quitting feels good. so good that i start again just so i can re-quit. the thing is, reality doesn't care. i quit, and does the world re-arrange to a more dave-favorable geometry? no. the world would rather i just quit breathing so it can consume me. hold still, dave. the world prefers me to be inert. inertia. the new a perfect circle album fucking sucks.

"the new a perfect circle album fucking sucks." compared to what?

I googled myself today and found this. There is no date, no accompanying data other than my email address as evidince of it being mine. I have no memory writing this. I do, however, remember the night being written about. . "As I flew home in the dark, dodging midnight traffic, I realized that she hated me now for letting her do it. I knew it was coming, and I did nothing to stop it. I let her make the decisions for herself. I didn't notice the truck coming. All I could think about was the fact that she would never forgive me. She almost didn't have a chance. I hadn't begun to wonder at my situation until I had been on the asphalt for a while and started to get cold."

wow, tbone

that gave me shivers. I was thinking about you last night. It was the seinfest episode where George tries to get his nickname at work to be TBone.

Hm. I've never seen that episode. I am called TBone at work, however. Someone else has my same first name, so I go by TBone to avoid confusion. . I should have put that on the High School Students' metaphors and stuff thread, since it must have been written when I was in 11th or 12th grade.

Dave, how does the cover of Failure's "The Nurse Who Loved Me" sound?

I'll tell you right now the cover song is excellent. one of the only good songs on the CD. people are probably better off forgoing APC and finding the Puscifer MP3 for "REV. 20:20" a much better Maynard fronted band they are.

at first i just kept listening to 'the nurse who loved me' over and over again, wanting to learn its every in and out. I think i should ask to sing it at my buddy's wedding. He's marrying a nurse. !!perfect!! Then Rowlf played the original for me, and i haven't picked up the Perfect Circle cd since.

That Failure album is one of my favorites of all time. I don't think there's a bad song on there, and I can (and have) put "Another Space Song" on repeat and listen to it ALL DAY.

That is one good album, I have to agree. I don't listen to it enough, but then, with about 700 albums, it's hard sometimes to do that.

i guess i'm about 3 weeks sober now, if nate has been too, but i haven't been keeping track. i really wanted to drink yesterday. i was feeling angsty and glum and fat. part of the reason i didn't drink was that, though i would and have drank by myself, i figure if i'm going to fall off the wagon, i should wait for a time when i'd actually enjoy it, instead of when i'm just in a pissed off mood. but then i've had lots of social opportunities to drink in the last three weeks and chose not to. and it wasn't hard at all. here's something weird. i was in whole foods down the juice aile and picked up a bottle of real, organic "pina colada" juice. i had no intention of drinking it because i don't drink juice. my intention was to put it on the liquor shelf at my house which is crammed full of all kinds of liquors which i rarely touched even when i wasn't on the wagon. i put the bottle of juice next to the bottle of dark rum and left it there. i have no idea why i did that. it was hard not to drink last night. i didn't drink but only because i didn't give myself time to. i decided to stay at the office until it was nearly time for yoga class. i was in a sad, foul mood as i walked the 1/3 mile from my house to yoga. but as soon as i got to class my mood magically lifted, before class even began. i've been playing with a new flow - starting seated, doing a straight-legged backward sommersault type of maneuver, and ending in Four Limbed Staff pose. sometimes the fear of not being able to do something prevents me not from trying but from actually doing it, even if i am physically able to. sometimes it's just a matter of practice. i nailed it last night when i was just fooling around on the mat before class. so that sort of set the tone for my practice. one of my yoga teachers and i are becoming friends. her name is jackie, she's a trained dancer (BA and MA in dance just moved here less than a year ago from NYC), personal trainer, rock climber, yoga guru, etc. last night she and i played with flying handstand. this is where she lies on her back with her knees bent. i hover over her, she presses up on my shoulders and i place my hands reverse over her knees. then i kick up into a handstand. we each took turns. she weighs about 15 lbs total so i had no trouble holding her up and she had no trouble balancing in handstand. when it was my turn i could get up into handstand but only hold it for about 10-20 secons before falling off balance. she's strong though and could hold me up. i met a new friend after class, her name is Sherri. it was her first flow class and she told me she was there because she's burned out on kick boxing. she looked tough and strong. i told jackie after class that i was trying to decide where to go for christmas vacation, that i was thinking about going to europe because i've never been. she ended up talking me into wanting to go to Belize. so there's that idea. i would go back to hawaii for christmas except that my aunt and uncle will be there visiting and staying with my dad for six months. i love them to death, but not for 2-3 weeks. i couldn't handle it, it would be too much family. and i can't stay in austin, that would be too sad and too weird and too awful. and obviously i'm not going to visit my mother. and michigan is out of the question (snow! freezing cold air!). after class i went home and wanted to drink and didn't. instead i ate an orange, then half an apple, then a tablespoon of peanut butter. i laid in bed at 9:30 and finished the rest of the book i'm reading, The Corrections, by jonathan franzen. unfuckingbelivably awseome book. i was sad when it ended because i wanted it to keep going. take the time to read this book. be patient and get past the first 10 pages, even if that means reading them over and over until you do. it's so worth it. man. brilliant writer that guy. i never did finish the sorabji book club book, so i'll start finishing that tonight i guess. i asked for a promotion last friday, from Webmaster to Supervisor of Web Services. my boss agreed that it was appropriate. we'll see if i get it. i hope so. i'm going to be 33 years old in a couple weeks. there needs to be some kind of evidence of this.

so this morning i began a raw fruit and vegetable fast. fast. diet? just for 48 hours. only raw fruits and veggies or raw fruit juices, and tea and mineral water. i actually tried to start last night with dinner, after i got home from the gym. i ate this salad thing that came with raw dressing (avocado, water, spirulina, and garlic i think) that i got at whole foods, and three pieces of fruit. but then before i went to bed i ate a brownie. a small piece of a thick, chocolatey brownie, which i heated it up in the microwave first. that was deeeeeelicious. so this morning i had a cup of tea, a peach, a plum, 1/2 an apple, then i made a smoothie with a cup of water, 1/2 frozen banana, a handful of frozen strawberries and a handful of frozen blueberries. i'm doing this because my body feels like shit. for the last five days prior i have been eating tons of chocolate and craving alcohol, and just generally having one of my episodes where i'm bloated and cranky and can't seem to feel full no matter what i eat, and then making really poor food choices which gives me a headache and make me have even more cravings. two nights ago i started reading The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity. that's where i got the idea to do a fruit/veggie fast. it's a really good book, some of it makes a lot of sense. the book says the best fruits to eat are black grapes, cherries, and something else i can't remember. but notably, cherries apparently are made of a type of sugar called levulose (sp?) which is metabolically absorbed and processed without needing much insulin. i can't remember why the author said black grapes were good. but he did say you should eat seeds and cores of the fruits you eat because they contain lots of enzymes and "chee". not "chi", but "chee".

Don't eat peach pits though.

or banana peels. they're hideous.

Don't smoke them either. Seeds might be good because they act like fiber, maybe? I know that most if not all fruit seeds evolved to pass unharmed through digestive tracts. I wonder if there is chee in cheese? I have made some poor food choices lately but I think that was just something I needed to get out of my system. I've decided to stop worrying so much about such things and just be generally aware of what I am eating and slowly change my eating habits to be more healthy. If I try to do it all at once, I just get the worst cravings for the stuff I am not "supposed" to eat, which is probably psychologically, I know. But I decided that since I am going to end up dead no matter what, any lifestyle that doesn't include the occasional ice cream and chocolate is probably a waste of time.

I have been eating so poorly lately...I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want *anything* and I'm lazy, so I'll just make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner or something. Then I feel gross and eat a hardboiled egg. Then I feel worse and eat some popcorn. And on and on and on. Feh. Don't eat peach, plum, nectarine, or apricot pits. Don't eat apple seeds. When my dad was a kid, he'd eat banana peels. Just this weekend I saw him eat a lime, rind and all. He's weird. Oh, man, what did he do? He ate some other nasty thing that I was going to post to that "Unholy food combinations" thread I started. Oh yeah! He ate celery with raspberry jam.

man this is remarkably easy so far. after that morning smoothie, i ate an apple and salad with spinach, broccoli, mushrooms and alphala sprouts around 10:30. just now i ate a big salad with more of that raw dressing - the salad had those gourmet mixed greens, radishes, celery, cucumber, cauliflower bits, zucchini, tomato, alphalpha sprouts, sunflower sprouts, and sprouted lentils. then i ate about 8 fresh black mission figs and a handful of black seedless grapes. i feel very full. it's weird not eating protein. but what's weirder is that this makes me feel like i could be a vegan. then again, i've only been at this for 2.5 meals, half a day. i wonder how long i could keep this up. sem, i dont' worry about making poor food choices unless it gets so out of hand that i actually start feeling super shitty. i wouldn't want to live without my indulgences either.

amen sister. Let us know how it goes. Keep Nate updated on your bowel movements.

That doesn't sound easy at all. WHERE'S THE BREAD AND BUTTER? I ran around a track twice this week. It's Cleo's new idea to get me into shape.

good job, babe. keep it up! i really want to have a big steak! and a margarita! and chocolate cheesecake!

I haven't had any sugar cravings since I started taking spirulina. And I've lost 4.8 kilos in four weeks.

my yoga classes got cancelled due to lack of people. I'm sad. oh well, back to chocolate covered coffee beans.

i was gonna be a smart aleck aboot canadians having to fatten up for the winter anyway, but then i thought that probably wouldnt be as amusing. so i went to my favorite canadian filmmaker's website. the new hotdogboy short "Kid" is fucking brilliant. i hope hollywood never finds this guy.

"It's Cleo's new idea to keep me in shape" That's so cute. Can I ask how Cleo presented this idea to you? Did you ask? Does she give you and dave. advice on other things? My 9 year old cousin told my mother, on her 50th birthday that, she didn't really look 50 but more like 18. I love kids.

Well, I've been complaining that I'm getting fat and feel really out of shape, and so she just came up with this plan. Then on the first and second time we did it, she tried to get out of it. Heh. Her plan for me: "get in shape, grow my hair, get contacts, and get my tongue pierced (?)." Not sure how the tongue piercing fits into my image, but it ain't gonna happen.

and i bet you have really nifty glasses

10/8 was 30 days.

Then I will send you a token of some kind. It may take a little while.

yup. same for me on the smoking. surprise, i've gained about 10 pounds. good shit, nate. so, are you huffing gas instead or is this totally clean and sober?

good for you dave. one thing at a time. i am still sober too, but i really don't want to be, not really. i do but i don't.

good job, dave.. i imagine the smoking would be harder than the drinking. i get stoned once or twice a week. i drink a lot of caffeine

when i was sick, the thought of diet coke made me feel worse and i haven't gone back. so. no caffeine. never could get into smoking. not a very good drinker. next stop, nail-biting.

it depends on where your head's at. i'm actually having quite an easy go at it. but like i said, quitting is easy. almost as easy as starting again.

Actually, I just got new glasses. Dave loathes them. I'm very proud of everybody right now. Good job, everyone!

don't be proud of me. dave, are you still scrabbling ever?

nope. scrabbled out.

did i alredy tell this story? so i come home from work friday and there's a huge box on the dining room table. like 3'x2'x2'. and it has my nane on the mailing label. and brown paper packing tape across the top: ----------------------------------------- Godiva Godiva Godiva Godiva Godiva Godiva ----------------------------------------- like that. i turn to my roommate and say, "i have no idea who this is from, but whoever it is, it's someone who knows me REALLY REALLY well." inside was a refrigerated 50-count box of truffles. from my sister and brother in law. fuck yes. six are gone so far. i keep them refrigerated, but nuke one for about 10 seconds to get it a little bit warm and gooey before i savor it. truffles are my VERY favorite chocolate treat, and nobody does truffles better than Godiva. the reason i even mention it is because i truly believe that it is solely because of these truffles that i was i able to stay totally sober this weekend. just one more reason to worship at the alter of Godiva.

don't worry, i won't really do tequilla jello shots on halloween dressed up as Hello Kitty. i'm going to the opera that night. so, i'm wearing The Patch now. haven't even had it on for 24 hours yet, so i'm okay so far. the cool thing is that because i have no feeling in the skin on my lower abdomen due to The Gnarly Surgery, i can't even feel that i have a patch on. the dr also gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin to ease the symptoms of PMS, which i won't take, simply beause it's mentioned like 3 times in Coupland's latest book Hey Nostradamus! apparently by friday the aliens had exited my body. he thinks if they aren't ovary-related, it might be irritable bowel syndrome, but i think no way. in any case, i'm feeling so much better now. i had a period, that's why. also, i got a pretty big promotion at work today, so i'm happy. i'm now "Coordinator of Web Services".

Woohoo! . I can't decide what I'll dress as. Maybe Hello Kitty. . I just bought a bag of "fun size" snickers, and I'm going to eat them all right now. . And there's nothing any of you can do to stop me!

i don't want to stop you, but i want to live vicariously through you. enjoy the buzz, brother!

They have Dexter's Lab Science Facts on the wrappers! . A sneeze can reach speeds of 200 miles per hour!

An Octopus has three hearts!

hello halloween jello opera kitty shots with three hearts truffles and a king of spades going 200 miles perhour. whooo.

hey Tbaby, i've got a 1.3kg bag of Hershey halloween bars! Oh Henry, PeanutButter Cups, Glosette Peanuts & Raisins. It's the size of a small pillow. It has 90 fun-size bars in it. i love halloween as an adult. all the candy, none of the walking.

peannnnnnnnnnutbutttttttteeeeeeeeeerrrcuuuuuupssssssssssssssss *dribble*

i said I GOT A BIG PROMOTION AT WORK! ahem. so, almost exactly 24 hours after i started wearing The Patch, side effect #1 took hold: nausea. still feeling pukey this morning. trying to choke down my coffee so i can make it through a 9 a.m. meeting.

1. YAY!!!!!!!! That's wonderful. 2. BOO!!!!!!!! I'm sorry. Take care of you. And you're good for avoiding the Wellbutrin, which i am on. I hate it because it works so well for me I forget that I am on it. And probably going to be on it for a while.

er what is 'the patch' congratulations on the PROMOTION!!! though, sadly it means you will want to stay :(

promotion good! hooray!

P.S. My 'Woohoo' was for your promotion, not my chocolate binge.

"I just bought a bag of "fun size" snickers, and I'm going to eat them all right now." woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!! you go tbone!!!!!!!!!!!! rock on!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations, Sarah. I got a promotion last week to, but not a huge promotion. More like a mini promotion. About 200 dollars more a month, at least. Yesterday I got yelled at by provider. It sucked.

thanks everyone :) agatha, why did you get yelled at? i've been yelled at twice at work in the last two years. i won't tolerate it; there's no excuse for yelling in the work place. but it happens - try not to take it too personally. heather, The Patch is a transdermal version of the birth control pill. also, the promotion doesn't mean i'll want to stay. all it means is that i've received the recognition i've earned doing a great job, and that i'm now more valuable in any job market. kazoo, why should you hate a medication that helps you so much? i was just kidding about not taking it. if The Patch doesn't help alleviate some of my PMS symptoms - particularly the depression, anxiety, bitchiness, and sleeplessness, then i probably will try it. got nothing to lose. as long as the medication's side effects don't outweigh its benefits, i'm all for pharmeceuticals. i have so much work to do.

I'm just tired of of having to take it. And I don't wish that I hadn't started wellbutrin. I wanted to be weaning myself off by now and it looks instead like I might have to increase my dosage which is already higher than average. I'm not opposed to phrameceuticals at all. It will be interesting to see what you think of Wellbutrin. If it works so well because it's a better med in general or if its just perfectly suited to my condition. I think I just like to see people refusing meds as long as they are doing it responsibly.

"which i won't take, simply beause it's mentioned like 3 times in Coupland's latest book Hey Nostradamus!" of course, this is probably not the best way to go about making these decisions.

someone gave me a snickers bar recently. an office mate with a kooky halloween bowl and goodies in it. i gave it back, as there was no way in hell i could actually make it through an entire snickers bar. no way. i trade it in for a small package of whoppers. the kind that has three little balls in it. thats more my speed.

honestly, i don't think i could eat an entire snickers bar either. but i could eat a super size box of godiva truffles. my appetite is coming back.

yasmin. good stuff. i refused drugs for ages [i've already told this story a hundred times] but i gave in when i began to suspect that finishing grad school would kill me. zoloft was nifty. i ran out of insurance and shortly after, zoloft, or i probably would still be taking it. i thought about it more than a few times over the last couple years. i'm good now.

except when i thnk about futures and babies, so mostly i don't.

i try not to think about those things either. no amount of zoloft can protect you from that. kevin's back on zoloft again. thank god. i've never known anyone with a more profound and debilitating anxiety disorder.

I work at a call center, and got yelled at by a client, not somebody I work with. He was an eye surgeon. Asshole.

Eyeholer. Congratulations on promotions, candy and birth control. Am eating hot (flavor) dried veggies. I like peeling the peas with me teeth.

what a brilliant weight loss program The Patch seems to be so far. * have a few bites to eat for breakfast -> become nauseated for several hours. * feel hungry at some point mid-morning -> think about food -> become nauseated. * feel heart beating erratically -> crave chocolate -> eat half an atkins bar -> feel a bit better for an hour or two. * choke down a can of tuna long after the lunch hour -> feel stuffed -> become nauseated for rest of the afternoon. * go to aerobics class -> go home, feel hungry, drink a protein shake -> become nauseated -> drink some ginger tea -> take two ibuprofin and pass out. wake up next day: repeat. points? who needs points when you're on The Patch!

FYI: I lost 10 pounds on wellbutrin. And another 5 when the upped the dose. Question for you Sarah, did your doctor talk to you about the drug interactions between the patch and wellbutrin? When I was on the pill, I still had to be cautious and use other forms of BC because of the risk of the anti-depressant affecting the effectiveness of the pill.

interesting. no, the gyno did not say one way or another about wellbutrin reducing the effectiveness of the patch. i also read very, very carefully all of the accompanying information about both the patch and wellbutrin, and neither mentioned interactions with the other. but i'm not really using the patch for birth control. i'm pretty sure i can't get pregnant normally. when kevin and i were together, we had sex 4-7 days a week for well over a year and we never used any form of birth control, not even pulling out or rhythm or nuthin, and i never got pregnant.

btw kazoo, to what do you attribute the weight loss on wellbutrin? was it that it made you not as hungry, or it made you nauseated, or you were just happier and not trying to cover up your feelings by overeating? or something else? i'm very curious about this!

It killed my appetite and I think it boosted my metabolism...just a bit, as a side effect. I also had more energy in general as the depression got better. The first week I was one it, I had a hypomanic reation. I was sitting in a coffee shop and I couldn't do my work (and I had a huge assignment due the next day), all I wanted to do was talk and I felt kind of high, like I was on coke, but not quite that intense. I knew, however, that if I felt that way the next day, I'd have to see the doctor. It went away and hasn't ever returned.

are you sure it wasn't too much coffee? today i'm not feeling very well again. only it's different. i have more of an appetite, but not much more. instead i feel exhausted and bleary-eyed, light-headed, can't concentrate. i want to sleep. i'm a bit achy. it's hard to explain, i just feel really out of whack and i don't like it.

It wasn't too much coffee, I know what that feels like, and my doctor agreed that it was likely the meds. His main concern was that I didn't have a seizure. What did your doctor say about that? I hope you feel better...I've been feeling like that a lot lately.

i had more than a week of feeling totally out of whack, with a super strong headache to boot. my bones ached and i had shooting pains when rising or sitting down. the dr said it was a virus, it eventually went away.

I am presenting this as a legitimate medical concern, not just to poopify the thread. What are/could painful, hard to pass poopies be a symptom of?

stress

Too much clay in diet. MMM...clay

i have no idea, kazu, but the huge increase in fiber in my diet lately has improved consistencies considerably.

jesusmaryandjoseph heather

kazu, are you drinking enough water, or too much coke/ coffee? Coke and coffee can actually dehyrate you, drawing water away from your colon. That would make your kaka hard. It could also be diet. Just drink more water and eat more fiber. If the condition persists for more than a week, talk to your doc.

I need more fiber. I don't eat enough food in general so it is unlikely that I am getting enough fiber. I don't drink coffee or much caffeine at all. It's very strange for me. I don't like to spend more than 30 seconds on the pot for either #1 or #2. And inevitably, I end up wondering, "What Would Nate Do."

WWND: psyllium husks.

ya. And water.

While my digestion is fine, I've been feeling gross and bloated this week. My stomach is actually distended, and this morning I found myself seriously considering the possibility that someone could have impregnated me in my sleep. None of my pants fit. It could be bloating due to PMS, but I'm usually ravenously hungry during that time and instead, I've been having to force myself to eat for the past few days. I wonder what's going on.

kazoo, run right now to the drug store and buy a 100-count bottle of magnesium tablets, 250 mg. take one every morning. you will start enjoying on a regular (perhaps daily) basis a fast, easy, healthy poop after a few days of taking this supplement. if for some whacky reason that doesn't work, try Super Cleanse - they are all natural pill supplements.

fwiw, psyllium husks work, but man can that stuff be painful in the tummy. magnesium also helps regulate blood pressure and sugar metabolism.

ok.

did you go get magnesium this weekend? so i got to work late today and i'm leaving early because i've come down with a medium grade cold. The Patch fell off a day early. the user information says that if it comes loose to just press it back into place. i tried that, but the underside was all gooey and sticky and gross and wouldn't really adhere so i took it off and put the week two patch on a day early. they're not supposed to fall off a day early. i think it's beecause i exercise and therefore sweat a lot more than your average Patch Wearer. the nausea has diminished, but remains lurking just underneath today's steady diet of chocolate eyeballs and peanut butter fangs. i had to go clothes shopping this weekend because i've gained some weight and my old clothes don't fit as comfortably as i like. oh well. at least i'm still sober.

I didn't actually because I had a good bm and didn't think it was necessary, but I think I am going to get some anyway because of the blood pressure and sugar metabolism and because maybe my bum was just teasing me. Does sweat wear away the adhesive more than water? You'd think The Patch people would have accounted for sweat.

can you bandaid it back on?

just eat it.

that's so gross dave. it gets all dirty around the edges, just like a band-aid. i guess i could have just taped it on for an extra day, and will probably have to do that if this one falls off early too. they say you can exercise, shower, swim, etc. and it shouldn't affect The Patch at all. i wonder if The Patch manufacturers tested it on surfers. i imagine if i was surfing and not wearing a rash guard, that the roughness of the sex wax would easily rub that thing right off my lower abdomen, or i'd have to make sure it was entirely covered by my swimsuit. they also say you can wear The Patch on your butt cheeks, but that sort of freaks me out, because it could fall off and i wouldn't notice. plus, in this case, it's such a big, jiggly thing - seems safer to put it on skin that's a bit more taut. (?) what a hassle this is. in any case, the nausea seems to have gone away entirely.

sober for 51 days. celibate for 74 days. unemployed for 236 days. it got hard in the past few days. i want to try again, the moderation. i want to be able to have a beer here and there or a glass of wine. i try to come up with a plan that will allow me to re-enter the drinking force in some minor, sustainable way. i think, at 60 days i should try to drink in moderation. an experiment. to see if i can handle it. two friends i've approached with these thoughts have told me in no unclear terms that i cannot drink again. it is funny, i've only approached these two. i could have approached another two, say, two who have already expressed what a bastard i am for not being able to have a beer with them, and receieved justification for my re-entry. but i did not, and i remain sober. though, honestly, i do not see this as sustainable. i don't desire it anymore, now that the pain of early september has passed into fading memory. "i'm a loser if knowing this i continue to drink and let it ruin everything i hold dear in my life." hm.

if you think you're ready to try moderation, i say go for it. try having 2 glasses of wine and stopping. or 2-3 beers. or 2 cocktails. if you find yourself unable to do that, you wake up and can't remember most of the night before, you know what to do. get right back on the wagon, and be satisfied that you know you tried moderation and it didn't work.

or one. one is moderation. i am so damn hungry today.

That right there is part of why I won't even start drinking. I am invertibrate. I have no will to quit bad habits or maintain good ones. . Not that I'm calling anyone spineless but myself. . Most people are capable of moderation. You probably are too. . But one thing jumps out at me. You said it's been harder lately. I don't pretend to know what it's like, but wouldn't you be more ready for moderation when it's no longer hard to obstain? . My father, a specialist in addiction, subscribes to the once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic theory. He thinks that most alcoholics are born that way, or at least with that tendency. Including himself. . I'm not sure I agree with that entirely. Dunno. . I'm not really trying to convince you of anything. I'm just making conversation. . Bah! Enough editing. Send.

the fact that nate has been able to initiate his own cold turkey to me, demonstrates he's not nor never was an alcoholic. though many therapists and clinicians would probably disgree with me.

that fact that nate told us that he is/was an alcoholic demonstrates to me that it doesn't matter whether he is or is not by any other definition other than his own and if he feels that he has a problem with alcohol then his solution should be on his own terms though I think there is more flexibility and variety of experience that the "once an/always an" definition captures

i think that nate is scared of being an alcoholic because he knows where to find them and does not want their lives. nate tends to drink because he is bored, he realized.

nate is not alone.

"the fact that nate has been able to initiate his own cold turkey to me, demonstrates he's not nor never was an alcoholic." Not true, I think Dave is an alcoholic and he quits all the time. Thing is, he always goes back to it, "in moderation," and then a week later he's up to one or two sixpacks a night.

yup. quitting is easy if you're motivated to quit. staying motivated is the biggest challenge. of course, it doesn't help if you truly enjoy whatever substance your addicted to. i stopped enjoying weed after years of smoking it and now i turn it down with nary a second thought. that needs to happen with beer. the sooner the better.

let me rephrase myself. nate has demonstrated an element of control, that tells me that the part about "addiction" in "alcoholic" is not really the appropriate. whatever, im probably more loose with the term because I myself, am probably, clinically speaking, an alcoholic.

is someone who drinks beer [or whatever i guess but i was thinking of other kids' dads will i was growing up] daily but never really gets a buzz anymore, an alcoholic? it seems like you need to define it yourself. if you feel like something is wrong than something is wrong. i hardly ever have the desire to drink. i literally have to be ready for it and make myself do it otherwise i'm not interested [though i very much like being tipsy]. that surprises me a lot in the grand scheme of things.

i crave alcohol when i'm bored too, or when i'm craving sugar in general, or when i get too hungry. i like the taste of many different kinds of alcoholic drinks. i very much enjoy the buzz at the bottom of one big glass of wine and maybe a few sips into the second, but after that things go downhill very, very rapidly. i hate the way i act when i'm drunk. i hate the way i eat when i'm drunk. i hate the way i feel both emotionally and physically the next day. and the day after that. i've been sober for what seems like forever. i feel certain i could have one glass of wine and stop. at this point i feel like i'd never want to get drunk again. i'm sure that's illusion, and will be put to the test at sorabjifest 2004 at the very latest.

i don't eat at all when i'm drunk. i probably should because i just get more and more drunk. people always say that they're fine with how i act, but the next day/morning i have a small anxiety attack and i am required to ask anyone i saw about the experience. i hate that.

Trust me hon,if you did get out of line,you won't have to ask anyone,they'll be calling you to give you every gory detail.

I got hammered last night... our workmate Paul acknowledged his gayness (about bloody time). I drank too many tequila's - showing off again - and many many vodka's. I have a headache.

last night i smoked a fleck of weed that was just large and green enough to not carelessly toss when the ash from my coffee table was disposed of. it tasted faintly like the nag champa that made the bulk of the ash; i played guitar for two hours.

Last night I went to the speedway. I'm such a bogan chick at heart. They had fireworkds - and this wednesday is guy fawkes - I think we are going to watch the ones they have at the beach with the classical music.

what do kiwis care about guy fawkes?

same thing with americans and cinco de mayo.

except guy fawkes wasn't invented by mexican beer importers.

Cause we're influnced by European culture as opposed to US. Its no fun anymore since they banned sky rockets and poohahs.

Dave,American's will drink beer over anything,funerals,football games,a bad haircut,I went to a Day of the dead festival yesterday and there was no booze at all,I just wanted to check it out.It was fun.

Anyway it rocked, I love fireworks. Tarn nearly got into a scrap afterwards with a drunk 14 year old but thats okay.

nate, i'm on my way to happy hour to celebrate my favorite co-worker's 45th birthday. i'm going to drink a margarita. maybe two. i'm going to try not to get drunk.

gremlins!

franzia friday my husband left town. he'll be gone for a week. I meet my friends at some guy's house. S has already poured me a glass of red wine. "do you like it?" "hmm, um, I don't know." I don't want to offend anyone. I take another sip. "ok, no, I don't like it. it's awful. what is it? "think inside the box." bitch. ---------- snob saturday I put on makeup and nice clothes. I meet up with this classy dame who's in the wine business. we each eat big salads at our respective homes then meet up and hit the trendiest restaurants in town, where, for the most part, we just drink like 8-fucking-dollar glasses of wine. I let her order for me everywhere we go. she orders sparkling and blush wines and sauvignon blanc. whenever she orders, the waitresses have no idea what she's saying because she pronounces all the foreign names properly. she ends up having to point at the wine lists like I usually do. I like her. she's the daughter of public school teachers, and she's figured out a way to "breathe rarefied air" (as she puts it) most of the time. she eats fancy food on other people's tabs, wears shoes from the "salon" section at nordstrom, outfit her gorgeous house with eames furniture and alessi housewares. I know I'm rough and gauche in comparison, in my boots from three autumns ago, but, jesus, I'm married now so what the fuck do I care what capitol hill and madison valley think of me. first we went to crave for a glass of wine, then we went to harvest vine, the tapas place that I have never even bothered trying to get into (and certainly not at 8:30 on a saturday). oh, blah blah blah, this is boring. fun is boring. we ended up talking to a couple of other rarefied type--she a photographer, he a microsoft employee. oh, god, the whole evening was relentlessly yuppie vulgar--at one point, I think I ordered a crepe. --------------- sopranos sunday I forgot to bring the wine, so I stopped and bought two bottles of cab, but someone else had already opened a bottle, and I drank about half of it. at 9:46 the hostess started pouring me some more and I said no thanks. because there's this sign on montlake boulevard that always freaks me out. their friend asked me what the sign says. I tell him: ".08%. I always feel like it's specifically directed at me." the hostess says, "oh, that's no problem. take 45th instead."