| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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it really really works. |
Wait there's more Spent too long there and then had to drive this woman all around town looking for a liquor store that would sell lottery tickets, more managing her crazy behavior, Then I get home at 10, having forgotten that I had told my dad I would be home before 7 to meet him for dinner and having forgotten my cell phone at home this day, and my dad is in my house on the phone to the police because he was so worried that I wasn't answering my phone and he didn't know where I was or why it would take me so long at the shelter So first, I think he's been watching too many Forensic Files shows and overreacted, but I felt sick for having made him worry so much about me, he was near tears when I came home I feel awful and run ragged from spending so much time around this troubled woman today. She has a good heart but she's a basket case and absolutely exhausting to be with all day. She has a horrible shrill voice and I'm still hearing it in my head. I feel gross from being at the shelter I feel totally overwhelmed at having chosen two cats -- I'm bringing them home on Thursday night because I was too overwhelmed to bring them home this late tonight and have to introduce them to their new house, etc. I'm not sure I made the right choice. They're a lot older than I had wanted to them to be (one is 7 and one is at least 9), and the older one looked kinda dirty but I felt so sorry for her because she's a nondescript black cat who had been at the shelter for five years. I don't even know if I want cats. At the shelter it took me a long time to want to pet them or hold them because I was afraid of them. I'm afraid of cats in general, to be honest. I don't know if I want them in my house. But I put the paperwork in and everything and I want to be committed to taking them home. I'm just operating under the veil of my horrible feelings right now. They were very sweet and affectionate in the shelter, at least. I'm afraid they're going to hurt me or each other. Little Micio may have been timid as fuck but she never so much as hissed at me. So now I'm in bed and trying to decompress from the day and I can't because I feel like a sponge, having sucked up all this negative shitty energy today, and I can't think of a way to wring it all out of me so I can get to sleep. I just feel so awful for scaring my father so badly. He's okay now and I hugged him and apologized three times, but gah. I took a Benadryl over an hour ago but it's clearly not strong enough to overpower this gross puke-green aura I must surely be emitting. So I'm dealing with this in the time-honored tradition of visiting this messageboard and spewing stream-of-consciousness crap until sleep overtakes me. I did this once when I was having a panic attack in college. Someone needs to invent the equivalent of a long, hot shower for your psyche. I do feel a little better now. Time to record this for posterity. |
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Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist. |
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allow, and don't take it all at once. 250mg before sleep is good. Spread the rest of it out if you can, but just taking it in the morning is fine as well. |
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that all the magnesium in the world couldn't fix. today while i was going through downtown to get my dinner (turkey sandwich and a bottle of wine) i passed by a young blue jay just standing on the sidewalk. it was clearly its first time out of the nest. it seemed unafraid and even fascinated by the city. as i passed by, you could hear the mother calling to it. i was a little afraid she might make a dive for me, but she didn't. it was still there when i passed by again. i hope the little bastard finally made it back to its nest. |
I found at last night through the crazy family friend that one of the cats has chronic IBS and is on a special diet and multiple medications, and I thought that for my first pet of my own in my life I should have some kind of easy learning curve, not a cat with known incurable health problems. Also I didn't like that the shelter didn't tell me about the cat's medical condition when I put in my bid for adoption on Saturday, and that they didn't communicate this with me directly but passed on the information through the family friend. And I didn't get the other cat because she was elderly, and I would like to get two youngish adults who are a bonded pair. So there's that. |
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They are pretty awesome. One is a grown cat who had been dumped in the shelter's parking lot. The other is a kitten. They're a bonded pair, but they're not related -- they became friends when the shelter took them to a pet store to be adopted out and they shared a cage. I think I'm going to name them Raphael (big cat) and Tobias (little cat). Raphael the archangel was Tobias' guardian angel in the Old Testament. Raphael the cat is sweet and calm, but very bold -- after I brought the cats home, he hid under the bed for a couple minutes and then promptly began exploring the entire house. Tobias was scared and hid under the bed for a while until Raphael came and meowed at him, and then Tobias crawled out and joined him. A little while later, Tobias was hiding behind a couch in another room, and the same thing happened -- Raphael went over to the couch and meowed at him, and Tobias came running out, rubbing up against him, and walking with him for a while as they explored more of the house. This is so cute. I don't know where they are now, but I just heard a sound like a herd of elephants on the second floor, so they must be playing. |
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http://imgur.com/a/xJtvv#0 Raphael (he has many names, not sure if this one will stick -- I usually just call him The Big Guy) has become my buddy and has been sleeping on my bed each night. I don't know where the little guy sleeps but it's usually not with me. The two of them sleep all day together in the closet, though. Raphael is the nicest, calmest cat I've ever known. He's very serious and doesn't play very much or like it when the little cat tries to play with him, but he loves to be pet and will purr very quietly within seconds of being touched, or flops over for a belly rub. He doesn't have a whole lot of patience for Tobias and I've seen him pin the Tobias down and nip him on the neck, but Tobias seems fine and doesn't make a sound -- I figure this is Raphael's way of teaching the kitten to behave. Tobias (aka the Little Guy aka Piccolino) is just your typical kitten. He was apparently well-socialized in foster care and has yet to nip or scratch me. He does pester the big cat too much, though, and I try to wear him out with playing with a laser light and other toys so he'll give Raphael a break. |
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cow cat. I'm glad you found a pair of cats you could feel good about instead of being pressured into adopting a pair who wouldn't have been a good fit for you. (Also, five YEARS?! in a shelter? WOW.) |
Well, Raphael is a sick cat. He's been having what I thought were hairball attack with no hairballs, but after some research it seems they might be asthma attacks. I took a closer look at the paperwork I got when I adopted him, and on his medical info it says he has a stage 4 heart murmur -- no one pointed this out to me before, during, or after the adoption, and that kind of pisses me off. Apparently, heart murmurs can cause coughing, so I'm hoping he can just be on heart meds because apparently steroids for asthma are hard to administer. He's a super sweet cat and we've grown attached, so I'm not going to give him back, but I would have like to known that he was sick before I adopted him because that was what I was trying to avoid, you know? Anyway, he's got a vet appt this morning, so we'll see what happens. |
His heart murmur isn't as severe as his medical records say. He was probably just stressed out from being dumped at the shelter, but he will be seeing the cardiologist next week to confirm. (That will be $350 and he only takes cash/checks. Yay.) He probably has asthma -- vet gave him a steroid shot and told me to film any attacks. (Hey, this might have been why he was dumped by his previous owner.) I'm going to make his home as allergen- and dust-free as I can. I already use dust-less cat litter. He had a fever and possible infection in his back right paw. I noticed a day or two ago that he wouldn't let me handle that one paw, but I couldn't see any injury or broken skin. I asked my dad if they had taken x-rays of his leg but he said he didn't know (? - my dad also never asks follow-up questions, but he said the vet left me a list of notes and instructions, so I'll read them when I get home and hopefully get the full story). The steroid shot should take care of the fever. My dad brought him home and said he already seems more alert and wanted to eat. So, Jesus, no wonder the big guy seemed so calm and sleepy. Poor thing was sick, and I didn't know because I've only known him for a week. And on a related note, I was finally moved to make an appointment for myself to see a psychologist for anxiety and depression. It will be in two weeks, four days before I get tested for ADD. |
If you have Depression they may diagnose you with ADD. I truly believe that that would be a wrong diagnosis because they diagnosed me as ADD but I did not have those type of symptoms until the depression got bad. Before the depression I had none of the problems they use for diagnosing ADD. If you have Depression welcome to the club. You will need a lot of support. You will need a psychiatrist, a therapist, and you should find a support group. |
I have had the idea that one of these days you and I have got to meet. You are the closest Sorabjiite to me. I know I'm a little nuts. But, I'm not "that" crazy. |
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while drinking from the sink. http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=ZOGL2_pOvKU This attack wasn't as bad as others I've seen him have -- it only lasted about 30 seconds, and he wasn't coughing that forcefully. He also went right back to lapping up water like nothing had happened. I've watched a few youtube videos from vets talking about feline asthma, and one of them said exercise aversion is common in asthmatic cats, and boy, that would explain why this guy does not play with anything. He will wrestle with the kitten and will run in brief spurts to get away from him, but otherwise he walks around the house slowly and does not have much of a play drive at all. (He does love rubbing his catnip mouse all over his face, though!) Tomorrow at 9 is his cardiologist appointment. |
Firefox suddenly will not open any links I click on, and I'm too tired to figure out why right now. |
http://youtu.be/ZOGL2_pOv KU |
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My big cat has a stage III heart murmur and asthma. He's going to be on a beta-blocker for his heart and an anti-inflammatory drug for his asthma possibly for the rest of his life. He'll get another checkup in six months. The cardiologist was really late, so my poor cat was crying in his carrier for an hour. But he was so docile when he was being examined, everyone was praising him for being such a sweetheart. He really is, he's the nicest cat I've ever met. He purrs as soon as I touch him, and he follows me around from room to room. |
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What more could I ask for. |
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Last night I had to force him to eat one medicine by smearing a big smear of soft cheese (with pill inside) on his paw so he'd be forced to lick them off. He sulked all night and I didn't get a chance to give him the other, but tonight I am determined. I will besmirch two paws at the same time if I have to. |
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you can see it make a swallow. |
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He is so stubborn. He's stopped eating the treats with the pills, he refuses to lick the cheese or peanut butter with the pills inside from my finger, if I smear pills in peanut butter on his paw he will fling it off... that little beast. I don't blame him, I know the medication is really bitter and he probably interprets that taste as poison. I wish there were some way to communicate with him that this was for his own good and just suck it up. Plus the cat and the kitten have been playing really roughly lately -- I know they're still buds because they still groom each other and nap together -- and I found a tuft of white fur (the older cat's) in the living room yesterday. He needs to take his heart and lung meds if he's going to be running around and wrestling a lot. Goddamn, I didn't want to get a chronically ill cat. I don't need the added worry. Speaking of which, my first therapy session is tonight. Wish me luck. |
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I found a band that reminded me of Margret's vision. Savages Margret would of course be cooler. I wonder what she's up to. |
i remember margret posting an old video her and her band doing "you shook me all night long." didn't she go on to work in a law firm in new mexico or someplace? fierce, greek fury-like, unsmiling women playing uncompromising music. i've been listening to furry lewis. he makes me smile. |
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She seemed to think I was basically high-functioning and not a basket case. She noticed I had problems maintaining emotional boundaries -- i.e., if you're upset I will feel upset and try to soothe you so that I feel soothed -- and that because anxiety makes me run on autopilot and not allow myself to register what I'm thinking and feeling in the moment (only what you're feeling and might be thinking), I don't feel comfortable with myself. Or...something like that. I don't know. I was on anxiety autopilot in her office, so I don't remember everything she talked about. Fortunately, now that I've met her and have some idea what to expect, I don't think I'll be nervous the next time I go, so I'll be more myself and be more attentive. She didn't think I had ADD but said my lack of attention was probably related to the anxiety. I don't know about that -- I have a hard time paying attention even to things I enjoy even when I'm very calm -- but we'll find out when I'm tested for it on Tuesday. Anyway, it was a promising experience and my homework is to read up on mindfulness and any kind of Eastern meditation practice. Next session is on 9/6. |
She made him gag and freak out twice before she let me convince her to quit torturing him and let him go. So it will be pills smeared in cheese across his paw from now on. |
2) place thumb and forefinger where kitty's jaw connects to skull. 3) squeeze and kitty's mouth will open. 4) feed pill 5) shut kitty's mouth and let them swallow Easy peasy. |
first few sessions you and the therapist are feeling each other out. |
Good luck with your sessions and the cat. Antigone is right in the process. I would add tilt the cats head back and LIGHTLY tap it's nose, so they lick it. When they do that it pushes the pill back further so they have to swallow it. And, I wouldn't say "Easy peasy" at all. |
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Not for the cat. They are for you:-) |
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has spent years on these boards reveling in his own depression: unbalanced brain chemistry. not to tack on a diagnosis. i don't claim to have much knowledge of psychology, but i hope spider doesn't think she's sentenced to ADD. now it's just the devil you know. i spent this evening in the park reading a book about, in part, san francisco being overrun by vampire cats. while drinking wine, i might add. i returned it to the library and checked out a book of roald dahl short stories. the cover has the blurb: "the mind of roald dahl is quintessentially wicked and nasty." cool. |
At least I like to think of myself as wicked and nasty. |
I don't feel sentenced. The screening was actually pretty basic and relied a lot on self-report, so there's a piece of me that wonders if I have it after all. When I went to the pharmacy to fill my prescription, the attendant said my insurance company refused to pay for the meds because I'm over 19. The pharmacy will ask my doctor to work that out with the insurance and hopefully I can get the meds next week. I will be on the lowest dose with the option to build if necessary. One of the side-effects is insomnia. Oh, and I just realized I mentioned depression to the doctor but didn't say anything about anxiety. Fuck, I hope the meds don't make that worse. |
Also there's probably lots of info online. Just google " <drug_name> anxiety" |
Once I start taking it, I have to call the neurologist within 2 weeks to let him know how I'm doing, so if it does make me a jittery mess, at least I'm being monitored. If I haven't heard from the insurance company today, I'll call the doctor. It's funny, now I wonder if so many things I experience are due to ADD. That feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin at meetings, while standing in line at the grocery store, while sitting in class, while writing papers, while answering emails, while trying to work at work, etc. etc.....maybe that's the ADD and it will go away once I'm on medication. That problem I have when talking to people at work about work stuff, where it feels like I'm listening to them through static and I walk away not quite sure what it was we talked about. The reason I have a much better memory for facts rather than for things I've done and experienced (because they don't sink in, because I'm not really paying attention). The reason a friend of mine teases me for having three settings -- "spaced out", "medium," and "laserbeam". The way, once in a while, I get really interested in a task and can do it for hours without stopping (no bathroom breaks, no meals) -- brought that up to the neurologist and he said it's called hyperfocus and is a common feature of ADD/ADHD. And so on. I'm really curious to see what medication will do for me. What will it be like to actually be able to concentrate at work? |
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Yep, that's what I got, and I finally was able to get my prescription filled last night! But I have decided to wait until Monday to start taking it! I have another appointment with my therapist tomorrow -- I wanted her to see me when I was myself and not super jittery from anxiety, and I thought the medicine might alter my behavior in some way. I'm not supposed to take it on the weekends and thought it would be stupid to take it for one day and then take a break for three. The crazy cat lady came by my house last night and because I had left the garage door open, she just came in and made herself at home. Then she tells me that she is going for surgery later this month and in case she dies, she has changed her will so that she will leave me her house and her pets. The paperwork is all drawn up and she is having it notarized today. I was sitting there thinking, "This is unreal. This is not really happening." So I didn't protest. I didn't think saying, "Oh no! I don't want this, please!" would have any effect on her, anyway. I did say, "Um, what about your two kids?" but apparently her kids are estranged from her and are messed up drug addicts or something. This is totally nuts, I don't want her house, I don't want her two dogs and six cats, I don't want any of this. |
It never occurred to me that one could have defensive boundary issues, being unable to keep other people out. I am very aware of what my boundaries are and can sense when they are being violated, but I assume it will do no good to say stop, that I won't be listened to, that my attempts to assert myself won't be respected, so I don't bother. |
out. It just sounds like crazy cat lady is...crazy. And also probably desperately lonely. But certainly crazy. |
The more I think about that, the more riled up I get. Plus I'm riled up because I just got scolded in front of most of the staff here at a meeting for admitting that I listen to music on earphones when I'm working (in a public space! the scandal!). I wanted to say, "EXCUSE ME, I have ADD, protected disability, QED. *smug face*" But I just looked blank as usual. I listen to music while I work (and chew gum and rock on my footstool) so the mindless tasks don't make me want to jump out the window. We'll see on Monday if the meds take the place of all that. |
sun ra arkestra where i work, but my boss is a former jazz singer. try to dig up the annette hanshaw version of "nobody cares if i'm blue." it's on youtube. i'd link to it, but my links never work. |
A lot of people do that. How are the meds working so far? Why in the world would you be told not to take them over weekends? |
I sound more insufferable than usual in my last post -- I was kidding about saying that at the meeting and would never do that. Droop, I know that song well and love it -- Annette Hanshaw is my favorite jazz singer. Have I talked about her before here? The search function isn't working properly. See if you can find "If You Want the Rainbow, You Must Have the Rain." Or, unrelated, Paul Whiteman and the Rhythm Boys (plus some guy named Bing Crosby) doing "So the Bluebirds and the Blackbirds Got Together" -- semi-decent audio |
discovered her. i had found the chords to the leon redbone version of "nobody cares...", which were so convoluted i tried to track down a recording. never found the redbone version, but i did find annette. |
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from aids: absolute irony deafness syndrome. |
Annette Hanshaw was one of the most popular singers of her day, right up there with Ruth Etting and Helen Kane. She recorded between 1926-1934 and then quit after she married her manager (although there was a rumor that she got muscled out of the music business by Ruth Etting's husband). I don't know if she's up your alley, Droop, but if you ever feel like listening to some 1920s parlor music, give her the time. Her music is widely available on iTunes, believe it or not, and there are youtube playlists devoted to her. I think she's adorable. She sang solemn ballads and cute sprightly songs (like "Cooking Breakfast for the One I Love" -- one of my favorites) equally well. She also sang a bunch of tunes in a Betty Boop-style voice which...oh god, I just can't do. One is called "I Faw Down and Go Boom!" which tells you all you need to know. Paul Whiteman was one of my grandfather's favorite band leaders. |
actually leon redbone, who was frequently on saturday night live doing tin pan alley and depression-era songs. when i got my ukulele, that's what i wanted to play. i love annette hanshaw. her version of "nobody cares..." had such sweetness and yet it's such a sad-ass song. the right combination. i've been exploring the rest of her songs. i love billie holiday during her paul whiteman years. i'm listening to african music right now. the international show with chief zehaie, to be precise. it's a texas thang. |
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Something else we share. I love Leon. I haven't listened to him in a while. I saw him perform live once as the warm up act for George Carlin at the Lyric Theater in Baltimore. The crowed loved him. That's when I became a fan. |
There are interviews with her recorded when she was in her 70s up on youtube -- here's part 1 of one in which she says she hated her old recordings, hated the music business, loved to sing but hated to perform because she was so shy. She had a pretty speaking voice, even as an old woman. :) Gosh, I feel like I have a crush on her. Maybe it's the meds. Today was the first day I was on Adderall, and I didn't notice too much of a difference during the day, to be honest, besides feeling jittery around noon when the second wave of medication kicked in. I did get some chores done in the evening, and I was able to spend about 20-30 minutes playing the piano where I usually give up after 1-2, so maybe it does work. Tomorrow will be a tougher challenge: the first two episodes of Boardwalk Empire season 1 came from Netflix today. Can I watch them straight through without distraction? |
i loved leon redbone and the cheap suit serenaders. i read my first maigret novel this evening. the first half was in the park, while drinking wine. when i took a sip, i'd glance up from the book to see what was going on in park. to my right there were three people doing yoga. when i looked again, the three were doing backward bunny-hops. a few yards in front of them, in my line of view, a guy was vomiting in the grass. and vomiting...it went on for so long i had to look away. when i finished the chapter, he was gone. i went home and finished the book while listening to django rheinhardt. the name of the book, by the way, was "maigret and the bum." |
the apartment, so i decided to picnic. went to walgreens and got a wedge sandwich and a couple of single-serve bottles of wine. some guy, a young white guy, was in the park with his electric guitar. he was ok, sort of a stevie ray vaughn as muzak. he was on the 7th street side by the big sculpture. mostly people ignored him. except for one woman, a black women say in her 30s, laid down on the sidewalk in front of him. her feet sticking into the street. i had my sandwich, drank one of the bottles of wine, and read a roald dahl story from a book i had checked out at the same time i got the maigret book. when i finished the sandwich and the story, i rolled over to the library and returned the maigret book. i browsed the shelves and found a book by a japanese writer i'd never heard of. i put it in my lap and planned to check it out, but i found i'd forgotten to bring my library card. they probably would've let me check it out, but i put it back on the shelf and figured i'd get when i returned the dahl book. to remember it, i started to chant the name and author rhythmically: the theif, nakamura; the theif, nakamura. duh-dah, duh-duh-dah-dah; duh- dah, duh-duh-dah-dah. back at the park, i sat at a table across the street. the guy with the guitar was gone, but the woman was still lying on the sidewalk in the same position. i read another story and drank the other bottle of wine. at some point, i looked up and there was a guy - young white guy, looked like a jogger - standing over the woman. he was on the phone. he had obviously called 911. i finished the story and the wine, dragging it out to see what would happen. nothing did for quite a while. he stood there for a while, watching the street for someone to show up. finally he sat down on the curb. obviously, "black woman lying on the sidewalk" was not a priority. i went back to walgreens and got one more bottle of wine. when i got back to the park it was dark. there were two cop cars there with the lights flashing. i thought i saw an ambulance. i was on the other side of the park; by the time i got to the side with the cops, the ambulance was gone. about 4 cops were leading the woman to a patrol car. she was quiet and orderly, and they were probably just taking her home. |
I had to leave for a professional conference this morning at 9. My dad is staying over to watch the cats -- he was here yesterday and so were the cats, and the kitten was acting normally. This morning as I was getting ready to leave, my dad said that he had heard both cats playing at 4-5 in the morning but now there was no sign of the kitten. We walked all around the house, looking in every conceivable corner, rustling the bag of cat treats (this usually brings him running). No sign of him. I had to leave at 9 to go across the state for this conference. I just called my dad at 5:00 and he says the kitten hasn't turned up all day. He looked everywhere, all over the basement, in all the boxes and closets and drawers, in all the rooms. This is completely unlike him to disappear -- he's very clingy. He either got loose and escaped, or he got trapped somewhere in the house and has suffocated. There's no sign of him. My dad says he's sure he didn't escape when my dad opened the garage door this morning, and I don't think he'd lie about that. He's only six months old and I can't imagine he'd know how to find his way back to the house or survive for long outside. He has a microchip but no collar, so maybe someone found him and took him. I'm so upset. I feel so helpless here and I want to go home to look for him, but I'm supposed to stay until Wednesday. I don't know what to do. My dad said the big cat was wandering the house and calling for his friend. My poor baby cat. |
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to his heart's content. The little dude can catch flies out of the air. He could be feasting on mice, chipmunks, and birds right now. Or in a few days I'll wake up to a horrible stench and find him dead and eaten by maggots. Which one, which one |
meowing. |
if the kitten were still in the house, dead or alive. |
****** I just looked outside, and there he was on the back deck! (How he got out I'll never know!) Ciao. ****** That little devil! |
the bad ones, leap to the good ones. The actual outcome will be the same no matter where you leap to, but when you leap to the bad conclusion you feel like shit while waiting to see what happened. What's the point of feeling like shit? |
I've told him not to let the cats in there since neither one of them is timid like my brother's cat Micio, and neither one will hesitate before running outside. Thank God he's okay. I didn't sleep more than 4 hours last night since I was so worried about him (and about the presentation I had to give this morning, which went much better than expected). Now my other cat will sleep tonight, too. My dad emailed me this morning and said, "Brontolone [his nickname for Big Cat] will be waiting for you (I think he was lost last night, but he has to get used to these events)." Jeez, he even gives my cats Tough Love. |
be good surprises." I'd rather feel like shit for two days and have a happy ending than the reverse. Also, what I would like to tell my coworkers who worked ("worked") on the presentation with me -- it's easy to think "ah, it will all work out" but it worked out this time because I did the work to make sure it worked out. What did you do? |
* And, lo, one day a man troddeth on the road. And on that road he came upon a man who smote himself on the head repeatedly with a hammer. "Wherefore dost thou smite thineself with thine hammer?" queried the first. "Dost it not pain thee?" "Quite so," quoth the second man. "Then why shouldst thou smite thineself so? Perhaps as penance for a sin against our Lord?" "No," saith the man. "Because it feels so good when I stop" Amen. |
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good, biochemically. It just tells your body that life is shitty. So it naturally responds with anxiety. It's a vicious cycle, but you can break it. You just have to choose to do so. |
the anxiety. The anxiety is completely unnecessary. You know the work needs to be done, so just do it. Ditch the destructive emotional baggage. |
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i'd hammer in the evening all over this land... |