Only the states of Louisiana and Mississippi were different, where 89.3% of the final words were,"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" |
(ahem) get a grip on public priapism WASHINGTON, DC -- There's a new contender for the year's dumbest proposed law: A bill in Mississippi that would make it a crime -- punishable by a year in jail -- for a man who is, ahem, sexually aroused (but fully clothed) to appear in public. "Talk about hitting below the belt!" said George Getz, Libertarian Party press secretary. "Are phallic felonies really so frequent in Mississippi that the state needs a Private Parts Police to patrol men's underwear?" The bill in question -- SB 2013, introduced by Republican State Senator Tom King -- is currently being considered by the Mississippi Senate Judiciary Committee. It would redefine public indecency to include the showing of "covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state." Violators could face up to a year in prison and a $2,000 fine. But wait a second, say Libertarians: Is public tumescence really a problem that is, ahem, popping up all over in Mississippi? Not even the bill's sponsor thinks so. State Senator King says the bill is intended to regulate the behavior of patrons at strip clubs. "Unfortunately, King followed the First Rule of Politics: When in doubt, legislate," said Getz. "That's why America has so many of these kind of absurd laws." In fact, the proposed Mississippi law joins a long list of laughable legislation, he noted: * In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket. * In St. Louis, Missouri, it's illegal to sit on a street curb and drink beer from a bucket. * In Arkansas, it's illegal for the Arkansas River to rise higher than the Main Street Bridge in Little Rock. * In Pocatello, Idaho, "the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited in public view." * In Utah, it's against the law to fish from horseback. * In Wilbur, Washington, it's illegal to ride an ugly horse. * In Jonesboro, Georgia, it's illegal to say, "Oh boy!" * In Devon, Connecticut, it's illegal to walk backwards after sunset. * In Harthahorne, Oklahoma, it's illegal to put a hypnotized person in a display window. * In Frankfort, Kentucky, it's illegal to shoot off a policeman's tie. * In Zion, Illinois, it's illegal to give cigars to cats or dogs. * And in Bexley, Ohio, it's illegal to put a slot machine in an outhouse. What SB 2013 and those other laws reveal, said Getz, is that politicians have too much time on their hands and too much power at their disposal. "Unless someone is putting Viagra in the water supply in Mississippi, a bill that regulates what goes on in your underwear sounds like a silly solution in search of a non-problem," he said. "Of course, if this legislation applied to Bill Clinton's White House -- where presidential priapism is a perpetual problem -- it might be a little more understandable." On the other hand, there is one good thing Libertarians can say about SB 2013, said Getz: At least it's just limited to Mississippi. "Thank goodness this crime hasn't been federalized yet," he said. "If that happened, we'd all have to worry about the Federal Erections Commission." |
|