| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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Well, what do you expect? The sewer people are at it again and but for the generously bilious bleatings of this worthless shaman of shame, you''d be none the wiser. Specifically am referring of course to the current media distraction of the Cruise Ship Sickness Epidemic. This topic shall be explored with great wisdom and little else, as befits the reward due the mainstream media and their stupid corps of oracular mannequins cum hairjobs. Since about the initial and obnoxious dip in temperatures reports have been as steadily bloating forth from the newsclaque as to gross numbers of cruise ship passengers afflicted with a virus named after a coastal bedroom town in southwestern Connecticut. The Norwalk Virus is said to be infecting shipboard guest of the cruise lines in record numbers, causing the usual vomiting, diarrhea, gut pains, and weight loss. One wag tastelessly postited that the cruise lines should charge extra for the malady on grounds that the weight loss enjoyed at journey's end from this bug is commensurate with that achieved only after several months of laborious aerobic workout to the stirring rhythms of Reichsvolkmusic at the local S&M health club. After all, to embark upon a cruise equipped with sweat clothes and other spandex delights as compensation for weight gain from midnight buffets, only to return with the newly discovered ability to wrap one's belt 'round one's waist several times and be mistaken for a 1970's Bangladeshi poster man is as would say Martha, a Good Thing. Week after dreary week trotted forth the tales of passengers sickened aboard ship. Two hundred on this liner, one hundred aboard another ship. Ships sailing from divergent ports on different lines. Could it be terrorism? Poor sanitation amongst the L'immigre kitchen help? Perhaps a prophetic sign of the return of Judge Crater? Here's a theory from this unworthy scribe, please and take it with you, to quote the Winkie as he handed the Witch's broom to Dorothy. The first clue was the timing of the illness' outbreak, occurring a few days after an unseasonably abrasive shift in the weather from summer to winter's misery. This was more or less nationwide and in finer times is the type of weather which prompted smart mom's to fit the kids with sweaters and galoshes to ward off all manner of bugs, Mr. Norwalk among them. A dirty little secret overlooked by many, most cruise ship passengers arrive at port of embarkation from elsewhere, usually sallying forth by airplane. Aircraft are notorious high-flying Petri dishes with their recycled air, always dependable for spreading viruses, plagues, and B.O. equally amongst the skybound proles. Over the years as Pan Am Clippers and free Bloody Mary's with which to wash down the prime ribs gave way to Econo-Jet-ny's five-into-three seats, no fluids and a few rancid bunny droppings passed off as 'mixed nuts'. Invariably, your aisle mates transformed miraculously from coat-and-tie clad schoolkids dreaming of scampering about the beach sans coat-and-tie once they and Mom and Dad arrived in their tropical destination, interspersed in and amongst the mandatory coat-and-tie clad executives, into well... . Into more or less obese - as are more and more specimens found to be today - boli of inhumanity, shrouded in layers of faux athletic suits the better to conceal layer upon layer of suet. Athletic clothes comprised of cotton, the better to trap and retain viruses, gonococci, hantaviri, spirochetes, dinoflagellates, sweat, oil of perspiration, nasal discharges, cranial matter expelled during vigorous sneezing bouts precipitated by allergic reaction to dairy products subsequent to imbibing several pounds of cheesecake during office snacktime. Generally, the most devoted of hand-washing, carrot-juice swilling, calorie counting, health vigilantes hasn't a rat's chance in a cat house to remain disease free in this tubular aluminum swill factory whilst journeying to his cruise ship where he will find abundant space, fresh air, good food. Simply put, our hapless journeyman would have been better sharing a seat with Maximum Lieder, none other that El Commandante en Jeffe, Dr. Fidel Castro during his fabled airtrip to New York a couple of generations ago complete with chickens both caged and free ranging in accompaniment. And there's always those chaps somewhere the other side of a quarter ton who - invariably - sit next to you and proceed to pass gas, a welcome break from that freshly showered fragrance augmented by expensive cologne yet ultimately doomed by the vapors permeating epidermal tissue and wafting your way, the aroma of decomposing flesh, gross and catastrophic tissue breakdown which always seem to emanate in generous volume from this sort of gent. Yet at the apex of this pyramid of putrescence we find a lifeform - in the generous sense of the term - so crass, so confident in its mendacity, so obtuse as to truth, the truly, we need register no surprise at its discovery. In addition to previous clues, consider please that other outbreaks of this illness have been reported at landlocked locations ranging from military bases to schools a'plenty. Weigh with discernment the notion that a hundred or so sickies aboard a ship of four thousand is statistically insignificant and would draw no attention from the County Shopper Weekly Flier in any hometown, let alone the Prestigious Prestidigitatory Mainstream Media. And that is the final clue. Yet another story about nothing, just as was the 'rash' , the 'outbreak' of child abductions which weren't during the hot summer of 2002. Amongst other biases, the media seems to have a major grudge against the cruise lines. Research this a bit and see for yourself. No manner of transport is safer, more disease free, more pleasurable that the cruise ships and in many parts of the world they ocean liner is still a means of getting from hither to slither, not merely a optional fun-venture. In the last few years as the cruise lines have enjoyed greater and well deserved prosperity courtesy of delighted passenger, as with the colicky brat that it indeed is, the main-yellow-stream media can only bring you tales of the gal who fell overboard never to be heard from again - one gal - how many passengers since and before was dat agin? The fatuous boufanted buffoons of nighttime tv have sullenly intoned the risks of having one's possessions stolen from one's cabin whilst one is cavorting about the deck a la Kathie Lee. Turns out the possessions maybe were stolen by the passenger's card-shark cad-buddies whom he voluntarily allowed into the room. Or perhaps his possessions were left safely at home, he confabulated the tale so as to collect some much needed insurance loot to put against his phone sex tab before the wife finds......Well, you get the idea. And why would the media do all within its awesome power to dissuade the huddled throngs from putting to sea? Simple as Maximo Aviator, general counsel and consultant to this column would explain. The mainstream press composes its tales from the perspective of city bound New Yorkers. Subway to work, chow down in restaurants, home to the loft co-op. Any deviation from this groupthink is de jure blasphemy, automatic exclusion from the Parties of the Swells, to which all in the media aspire to be as Perpetual Attendants. Look, profit motive might just rear its ugly head here. The press is a business. News stories are designed not to inform, not to provoke, not to incite to uncontrollable retching followed by laughter as are the writings of this wretched scribe. Nosireebop! The press hopes to keep all watching - see under 'Nielsen Rating" - and if you are out at sea, gazing languorously at ocean swells as the realization seeps in that really, you can do without most of what this excuse for a civilization serves up as absolute necessity, why you're not where you should be. Specifically, plopped before some thin-chassis digital version of the Devil's Ocular, dully enjoying the sensation of having your cranial matter sucked out as perky little Katie-twattle is pumped in. |
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