Bonehead awards

From the subgenius@yahoogroups.com list: Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 23:31:32 -0700 (PDT) From: Aurora Earthwalker Subject: Lotsa boneheads for your ammusement -------- The Scorpion King Of Stupidity Bonehead award two goes to a man in China who, wanting to start a scorpion farm, brought 600 scorpions onto a train in nothing more than a cardboard box, according to the train passengers who were left screaming in terror as all the scorpions climbed out from the box during the train ride. The Age (Melbourne, Australia) 19-Jun-03 http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/06/18/1055828390777.html ------- Controlling The Masses -- From the UK Sun See this sign at a crocodile farm that reads, "THOSE WHO THROW OBJECTS AT CROCODILES WILL BE ASKED TO RETRIEVE THEM" http://images.thesun.co.uk/picture/0,,2003271085,00.jpg ------- Some Days Are More Exciting For Firefighters Than Other Days See this picture of a firefighter carrying away a blow up doll from the site of a fire started when a truck carrying a cargo of s*ex toys ignited on the UK's busy M6 motorway. Other items strewn about the highway included whips and plastic breasts. Picture at: http://tinyurl.com/eojr Evening Mail (UK) 18-Jun-03 http://tinyurl.com/emqc -------- We Don't Need No Stinkin' Art! Bonehead award one, a "this ain't art" bonehead award, goes to the Boulder Public Library in Colorado for it's "art" display consisting of pieces of garbage and other items found on the streets of Boulder. The janitor threw it out during the night. He said it smelled. The library director of "cultural programs" pulled the items out from the dumpster, recreated the display and probably wondered why she couldn't smell it. The Daily Camera (Boulder, Colorado) 20-Jun-03 http://tinyurl.com/f2yf -------- They Just Burn Up The Money In Birmingham Bonehead award one, an "unclear on the concept" bonehead award, goes to a Jefferson County, Alabama, deputy who burned up $2,100 in cash because he says he was told to destroy all the evidence in an associated case. "We're rewriting the policy," says the sheriff. "We're increasing the supervision on that, and we'll take the appropriate disciplinary actions to make sure, in a common sense way, that members of my department do not burn up money." The deputy passed a polygraph test. NBC Channel 13, Birmingham, Alabama 12-Jun-03 http://www.nbc13.com/money/2267027/detail.html --------- I'll Pee There Soon Bonehead award two goes to the Channel 10, San Diego, Meteorologist James Quinones who was late getting to the set for his weather report because he was taking a leak but left his microphone turned on while doing his business. Click here to hear James Quinones humming and peeing when his weather report segment begins: http://reeldirt.com/htm/splash.htm --------- We Have Seen The Future And It Is Filled With Signs All Over Like "Warning! No Walking Into Walls. They Will Not Move For You" Bonehead award one, a "stupidest lawsuit in the world," bonehead award goes to an Allentown, Pennsylvania, woman who is suing Montgomery County Emergency Services, Inc., a hospital where, as a patient, she overdosed on drugs that she bought from a pusher who smuggled them into the hospital for her. She's suing the hospital because they don't warn visitors not to bring illegal drugs into the building so, she says, her overdose is entirely the hospital's fault, or maybe even your fault, but it's certainly not her fault. The Morning Call (Allentown, Pennsylvania) 25-Jun-03 via http://www.overlawyered.com http://www.mcall.com/news/local/all-b1_2heroin-2rjun25.story -------- Can't Get Away Because He's Shackled To A Ball And Train Bonehead award one goes to a train groper in Sendai, Japan, who, when his victim screamed, tried leaving the train through the "automatically closing carriage doors" but got the pinch when the doors closed around his scrotum and he fainted from the pain. The doors must have caught him as he was trying to slide past them sideways. Mainichi Shimbun (Japan) 4-Jul-03 http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/waiwai/0307/0704groper.html --------- Lawsuit Becomes Road Kill Bonehead award four, a "stupidest lawsuit in the world" bonehead award, goes to a UK man, Jack Scollay, who tried suing a driver for negligence for hitting him after he had deliberately lied down on a dark section of a busy road because he was angry at his girlfriend. His girlfriend frantically tried warning him to move when she saw the car approaching but Scollay stubbornly remained on the ground. The case was thrown out of court. The Scottish Daily Record 25-Jun-03 http://tinyurl.com/gdy4 --------- Florida state game officials fined Michael McCormick of Tavares, Florida, $180 because he lassoed an alligator that was about to attack a woman while she was holding two infants. You see, it is illegal to have possession of an alligator in Florida, apparently for any reason. When police arrived they made McCormick cut the rope and then the police called the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission to come and catch the alligator, which they never did. A week earlier a 12-year-old boy in Tavares was attacked and killed by an alligator. Maybe even the same alligator. The fine was rescinded after a public outcry. Ananova (UK) 23-Jun-03 http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_793222.html and The Orlando Sentinel 24-Jun-03 -------- BAFFLING AND/OR CLEVER HEADLINES: From the world of soccer (sounds painful): YOUNG BOYS' WANKDORG ERECTION WOE http://soccernet.espn.go.com/headlinenews?id=270580&cc=5901 --------- New York City Admits That Their Citizens Don't Count For Anything Bonehead award three, a "stupidest excuse in the world" bonehead award, goes to the New York City Board of Elections which has said they will not repair the city's 7,000 voting machines that were responsible for some estimated 60,000 lost votes in the 2000 presidential election, most of which would have gone to Democratic candidates, because, according to the Republican commissioner, most of those people whose votes were not counted never intended to have their votes count anyway but only came down to the polling places to make it look like they were doing their civic duty. And, says Republican commissioner Stephen Weiner, fixing the machines would therefore be tantamount to forcing people to vote against their will. Newsday (Long Island, New York) 16-Apr-03 -------- Let's Hope For Boom Times For Orrin Hatch Bonehead award three, a "government as good as it gets" bonehead award, goes to Republican Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah who suggested recently that people who download copyrighted materials from the Internet should have their computers automatically destroyed. But it seems Orrin himself uses unlicensed software from Milonic Solutions on his web site. The owner of Milonic Solutions says two other senators are using unlicensed copies of his software. Wired News 19-Jun-03 http://wired.com/news/print/0,1294,59305,00.html ------- Favorite Headlines Found On The Internet: POLL: MOST HARDENED CONVICTS REFUSE TO SHARE CELLS WITH CEOs Fear Losing Personal Belongings, Life Savings -Borowitz Report (Satire) IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER VOWS BIG CHANGES AT NEW YORK TIMES -Borowitz Report (Satire) RACE TO ESTABLISH TRUTH ABOUT IRAQ BEFORE END OF NATIONAL ATTENTION SPAN -DeadBrain (Satire) THOUSANDS OF HARRY POTTER COPIES STOLEN FROM WAREHOUSE. COPS DESCRIBE SUSPECT AS ONE HUGE-A*SS OWL -Fark (Satire) IN BRIEF: CHENEY "PROBABLY STILL ALIVE" SAYS PENTAGON - DeadBrain (Satire) SECURITY FOR NEW HARRY POTTER BOOKS GREATER THAN SECURITY AT NUCLEAR MISSILE SILOS - Random Perspective (Satire) STANDARD DEVIATION NOT ENOUGH FOR PERVERTED STATISTICIAN - The Onion (Satire) -------- The following was taken from The Edge in The Oregonian. In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to provide a motto for any federal agency. Some of our favorites: • U.S. Postal Service: When It Absolutely, Positively Has to Be There in About a Week or So. • Department of the Interior: Want Fires With That? • Department of the Interior: Oddly, All Our Stuff Is Outdoors. • Department of the Interior: Only YOU Can Prevent Forests. • Legal Services Corp: The Best Defense That $19.95 Can Buy. • National Institute on Aging: Celebrating Our 39th Year! • U.S. Secret Service: Only Five Out of Forty-Three Ain't Bad. • CIA: The White Swans Fly North for the Potatoes. • Department of Homeland Security: If You Feel Safe, We're Not Doing Our Job. • Food and Drug Administration: You Would Think Our Parties Wouldn't Suck, Wouldn't You? • Bureau of Consumer Protection: Got Bilk? • IRS: Complete Workshop A of Form 483 (b) to See if We Care. • IRS: Shock and Audit. • Office of the Naval Inspector General: Yes, We've Heard It. No, We Don't Think It's Funny. • Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service: We Offer Meaningful Conciliations, Unlike the Unreasonable Hammerheads at the National Mediation Board. • National Mediation Board: We Specialize in Realistic Mediation, Unlike Those Meshugenehs at the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service. ===== "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw "You know the type--they don't have issues, they have subscriptions." – Lilith